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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset ...

81 replies

inthedarkX · 29/12/2019 13:04

My ex husband wants to take my 5 kids( we have 6 but ones a baby who's breastfed and will stay with me) to his ONE bed flat on New Year's Eve to see the New Years in with his girlfriend and her 3 kids (only one of her kids is my husband) and I'll be at home with baby alone and won't get to see the New Year's Eve in with my children. Also there will be 8 children and 2 adults staying in a one bed flat!! I want to see the new year in with my children!! He's got his new family. Why should I be without my kids on New Year's Eve just because he left me!

OP posts:
mumwon · 29/12/2019 15:00

I bet you have them back early next day (I wouldn't answer the door) & I bet his new partner wont allow a repeat!

Butchyrestingface · 29/12/2019 15:00

Has your ex ever entertained eight little darlings and 2 adults together in his bijou pad before?

Gonna be cosy.

Either way, I’d let him get on with it and turn your phone off.

Straycatstrut · 29/12/2019 15:02

some one on one time with baby and when baby is asleep some blissful adult alone time.

I was just going to mention this too.

I was sobbing Xmas day morning because I had nothing left, absolutely nothing, after doing the whole Christmas thing +everything else - and then both boys started multiple fights over their toys and i just lost it - not angry, just sobbing. Once I'd sorted myself out and we'd managed to have a good day I couldn't WAIT for the boys to go to their dads for a few days.

I'm in the process of blitzing the house (Done the kitchen and bathroom, living room next) sorted the recycling mountain, going to the tip tomorrow, and then going to tidy the boys rooms with all their new gifts in there. I've also applied for things for the New Year - keyboard and singing and swimming lessons for my eldest and work experience in the medical industry that I want to train in. So I'm feeling positive about 2020.

Honestly just the time alone and the quiet is the best thing I could have right now! it's like my work holidays Grin

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 29/12/2019 15:02

My ex, his (possible? OW) and 8 kids crammed into a little 1 bed flat for a day and a night?! Yeah I’d pack all of the kids off to their dad’s no problem! I’d have a lovely night in, watch what I like on the telly, order a takeaway and enjoy the peace quite happily!

But I don’t much care about New Year’s Eve, I could do with a little night off myself and I’m evil and quite like the idea of my twatty ex being crammed into a tiny flat with loads of over exhausted, excitable kids Grin

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 29/12/2019 15:09

I do sympathise- you didn't ask for this and it must feel a world away from the future you had in mind when your babies were born. It's going to take some time for this new reality to feel normal (and it may always feel unfair), but in the meantime you have to plaster a smile on and fake it.

Sell it to the kids as an adventure and stress how lovely it is that their father wants to spend time with them (as time goes by, you may need him to take care of them occasionally, so him wanting them now may be a good sign). Try not to fill them up with fizzy drinks and Haribo beforehand, and send them happily on their way. If your baby isn't old enough to be upset by it, you can quietly weep on your sofa while to cram chocolate into your mouth, if that's what you feel like doing. Or you could have the early night you've probably been longing for, or invite a friend round to watch cheesy DVD's and scoff popcorn. Let him shoulder the burden of responsibility for once, you do plenty.

Try not to think of it as him winning, or forcing you into anything. Kids often get invitations and this is just another one of them. Unless he is a knife-wielding sociopath, the kids will be fine and the worst that is likely to happen is that they are very grumpy the next morning. That many kids in a one bedroom flat sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, but it's his disaster and he will be blamed for it if it all goes horribly wrong.

I'm not saying you can't hope the OW gets food poisoning, the wheels fall off his car and they have a terrible row, just do it in your head instead of out loud! It's normal to mourn for all the family occasions you will no longer have together as a complete family, but you shouldn't let your children see that you are suffering.

nowaypose · 29/12/2019 15:11

Why does he have a baby with someone who also has two children when they live in a one bedroom flat? That’s just bonkers. Also if your youngest is a baby, he has two babies to two different women? Wtf.

Anyway, I think he’s being silly and rather selfish. A one bedroom flat isn’t even big enough for three children let alone eight. They should stay home with you where they actually have room to move and sleep comfortably.

TitsInAbsentia · 29/12/2019 15:15

Why is it the more of a wankbadger a bloke is the more virile he is? Angry

If I were you I'd send them off with blankets and pillows and a selection of the noisiest toys they own and plan a fab night in with your bubba.

Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 15:18

I imagine the idea is that all the children will sleep in sleeping bags on the floor, like camping. Some may like that, others not.

In the op's position, I'd ask the older ones how they feel about spending new year at dad's.

InthedarkX, I am so very sorry about your marriage break up and the added insult of new woman having a baby with your ex so quickly. It must be heartbreaking.

For future 'festive' occasions work out some arrangement whereby you alternate years. However, what the children want must be taken into consideration and, after a while, they'll be doing their own thing anyway.

Flowers
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/12/2019 15:20

We did something similar with my DF when we were children and loved it. There was the four of us and my DF's new girlfriends three children in his one bed flat. We loved it, we made a 'camp' in the living room and had a great time.

He never did it again though Grin

They are both of your children, you are going to have to have a conversation about important events like Christmas and sort out something that is fair for both of you.

BarbedBloom · 29/12/2019 15:24

As difficult as it is and I speak as someone whose ex is now married to the OW, you must separate your relationship and feelings towards him to his relationship with the children. I have friends whose mothers made it difficult to spend time with their father and they resent her for it, not him. You have been dealt a crap hand here, no one thinks otherwise, but sometimes as parents it means putting the children first even if it breaks your own heart to do so.

I suggest setting up an alternating schedule with holidays moving forward.

selmabear · 29/12/2019 15:26

Have you asked your children what they want to do? Who were they with on christmas eve/day? Who did they celebrate NYE last year?

MintyMabel · 29/12/2019 15:43

Sounds like you are more bothered about how it affects you, than how it affects the kids. In which case YABU.

Arthritica · 29/12/2019 15:48

As long as you had them for Christmas morning it would be very reasonable for him to have them NYE

ManonBlackbeak · 29/12/2019 15:50

They are his children presumably, so yes YABU. New Years Eve isn't even that much of a deal so I don't know why you are making such a fuss to be honest?

Dieu · 29/12/2019 16:24

Good god, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but how the fuck can he have a new partner already, when the mother of his children is still breastfeeding their baby?!
I really, really look down on behaviour like this, and these stupidly early introductions to the children.
Hope you're ok OP Thanks

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2019 16:51

Anyway, I think he’s being silly and rather selfish. A one bedroom flat isn’t even big enough for three children let alone eight. They should stay home with you where they actually have room to move and sleep comfortably.

Oh come on, it sounds like an adventure! Apart from the fact you have no idea how big the flat is (some one beds are huge), it's no different to camping for a night in a large tent and some kids absolutely love that! Smile

Lizzie0869 · 29/12/2019 17:02

I think New Year's Eve doesn't mean anything to young children; I don't recall being interested until I was 8 or 9 years old. And they need to be asleep long before midnight anyway.

I can't imagine your ex and his partner will enjoy the experience of looking after 8 kids in a one bedroom flat, so I doubt they'll want to do it again.

Is there anyone you could visit with your baby on NYE so you're able to enjoy it, as it's obviously important to you?

Original poster
inthedarkX · 29/12/2019 17:03

Thanks everyone for your opinions and thoughts.
Just to clarify a few things

Yes I did make a previous thread about my situation

The reason he has two babies is because we were married had 5 dc then he left me Because he disappeared for hours one night in June 2018, I questioned where he was, he didn't like it so walked out on me

July 2018 he came to me and said he wanted to buy a house with me for the kids sake and then after that we can get back together and work on our marriage so asked me to sign up to the right to buy scheme for our council house

Then October 2018 we got back together ( whilst still looking into buying but hadn't yet bought)

December 2018 I find out I was pregnant and he wanted to abort or he would leave me, I chose to keep my baby and then I find out that actually all the time he said he wanted to work on our marriage he has been seeing this woman and she was pregnant, before me but he said he's letting her keep her baby and will stand by her but wouldn't have anything to do with my baby
After speaking over the phone to this other woman he went on a date with her on the 25th June ( my daughters 12th birthday at the time) and he left me on the 18th June so he just have been seeing her whilst still with me even though he won't admit it

Her baby is 5.5 months old, my baby is 4.5 months old but my baby was 5 weeks prem.

So that's the summary

Anyway back to the new year, he didn't have kids xmas day I did but that was his problems not mine, he made no requests. He also made no request for New Years either. Today he came to me and said that he has planned months in advance that he was spending New Years eve with his gf and her children in his one bed flat but our children can go over as well. I've had a plan to go to my mums before he even made a request today. The thing with him is he won't make arrangements, he does things in a whim last minute.

Anyway I think if he was spending the night with the kids in his flat alone with the children I wouldn't even be writing this thread, I think it's more because my children will see the new year with another woman, I despise that woman ( mainly because she called me a bad mum when she first found out I was pregnant, she doesn't even know me)
But I do understand that's MY PROBLEM. And I have to get over it. Still hurts but I just have to accept her around my kids again.

She lives with her children in a 3 bed house an hour away from me and his flat, his flat is his own and is closer to me and kids but this New Years they are spending it in his flat with everyone.

Also it is my daughters 9th birthday today. We both wanted to see her and spend time with her on her birthday so we went together to a trampoline park but he told me and warned me not to post why picture of the day on my Facebook profile picture and I didn't bother asking why but it's obvious he lied to his gf because I don't think she likes him having any contact with me other then drop off pick ups, she's really jealous.

So yes I guess things are still raw and up in the air and mainly because of him and his failure to do things properly

OP posts:
QueenOfTheFae · 29/12/2019 17:09

looking at your posting history about your ex - he sounds like a complete arsehole for what he put you through at the start of your pregnancy.

let him have the children over the new year, get some sleep and spend some time with your newborn. Be kind to yourself

don't listen to his demands about not putting on facebook where you are, do what you like

chuck7 · 29/12/2019 17:11

Sounds great fun for the kids tbh. Massive sleepover and a late night. Can you arrange to have them next year?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 17:32

Honestly you've open admitted your issue is her, not the kids not being with you. Unfortunately your children have another sibling now and so even if they don't stay together she's a part of their life now.

I know it's tough but let him have them. It'll be beneficial to you when it comes to things like maintenance and when you need a favour.

ExhaustedGrinch · 29/12/2019 17:37

What a massive arsehole he is OP Flowers

I think that they have a child together then your children, at some point, are going to be spending times with her and although it is going to hurt like hell you are going to have to probably allow this. Given that this is a last minute request though I don't think you'd be unreasonable to say no, especially as he seemingly didn't even consider contact over Christmas.

In the new year though you'd both be wise to arrange set days where he sees them because it's not fair on you or the children for him to just pop in and out as he pleases.

Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2019 17:42

He is a pig.

I'd ask the children what they want to do and take their lead.

Also, I'd wait until after new year (if they stay with him) and post the pics of the trampoline party with him there. Don't let him make you lie for him. If he's lying that's his problem and not yours to lie about. What a twunt.

DickDewy · 29/12/2019 20:09

What a mess.

If the kids are excited to do this, I'd suck it up and let them.

And then I'd post the birthday photo.

needanewnamechange · 29/12/2019 20:45

Ready your update op ,your well rid of the lying toad let this woman have him . I hope you get things sorted and have a happier 2020 .

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