Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my 3 year old to show some gratitude?

59 replies

Saltdoughmuncher · 28/12/2019 19:32

I know, I know he is only 3. But he is driving me insane at the minute. He was thoroughly spoilt at Christmas, so many toys and presents from relatives and I want him to realise how lucky he is.

He asks for things constantly. It’s a new phase but it’s starting to make him sound spoilt and entitled and I really hate it. We went to soft play for an hour today, explained in the car on the way there that we had just eaten lunch so we wouldn’t be buying drinks and snacks, but that he could have an ice-cream after playing for a while. The whole time we were there he was asking for money for the games machines, snacks, drinks etc. He doesn’t usually scream and shout when told no, but will go on and on about it. If he were older I would say if he asks for anything again we go straight home, but I’m not sure this is fair at his age?

At home tonight he has decided he now loves Octonauts and wants one of the toys. I’ve explained that it has just been Christmas, he had lots of lovely things and that he won’t be getting anything else any time soon. But he has gone on and on all evening!

For reference I never give in to the constant asking or whinging. I’ve not been very well and so my temper is a little shorter than usual but today I’ve really struggled not to shout at him.

Please tell me this phase won’t last long and he will learn to be grateful for what he has?

OP posts:
Stickybeaksid · 28/12/2019 19:40

I remember that phase with my first. He wanted everything all the time. He grew out of it but it was a frustrating period. Doesn’t help that his grandparents will give him whatever he asks for and we are a bit stricter

RhymingRabbit3 · 28/12/2019 19:44

If you don't give in he will get over it and stop asking. He is just trying it on. Make sure your partner and other family members, parents etc. are on the same page and also don't give into his demands.

Igottastartthinkingbee · 28/12/2019 19:45

Stay consistent and it’ll pass.

mbosnz · 28/12/2019 19:46

He's three. Gratitude doesn't come into it. Wanting does. They are small, primal, visceral beings, and this is a very overwhelming time for wee ones.

How long the phase will last will depend very much on how you deal with it, and his personality.

Distraction is pretty good. But yes, don't give into the I wants.

bridgetreilly · 28/12/2019 19:46

It's definitely fair at his age.

If you don't want to actually take him home, you can do a shorter, sharper version: every time he asks for something he's already been told he can't have, you take him out of the soft play area for five minutes.

squigglybook · 28/12/2019 19:48

He’s 3. He has no concept of money or why he can’t have what he wants right now. Stop being silly

MrsDilligaf · 28/12/2019 19:49

I've got the same issue so I'm reminding myself that:

DD is only 4
It's been a really exhausting couple of weeks
Christmas is overwhelming for adults let alone kids
She's well out of her routine and its showing Hmm

It will get better. hang in there.

avocadoze · 28/12/2019 19:50

He’s 3. This is their thing, when they’re 3. It’ll pass

Original poster
Saltdoughmuncher · 28/12/2019 19:51

Thanks everyone. He was only 3 a few weeks ago so is so young really. He looks and speaks like a 4/5 year old so I am sometimes guilty of expecting too much from him.

I just really want him to grow up to be kind, and thankful for the things he has.

OP posts:
Kaykay066 · 28/12/2019 19:52

Well you need to teach him how to be grateful he’s not going to just learn all by himself

My children (4) only get toys etc on birthdays and Christmas. We never buy random stuff otherwise. I make sure they thank people for gifts, and take care of them. All toys have been passed down to their smaller siblings and cousins. Be consistent but calm and firm he’ll stop asking when he knows you mean what you say and I’m sure he’s a lovely boy caught up in a time of getting lots and not understanding why it’s stopped.
Hopefully he’ll get his octonaught for a birthday.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 28/12/2019 19:52

3 year olds have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex so they basically react to everything emotionally. They see an ice cream and want it now, see a new toy want it now, if they do get it it will be soon forgotten. They aren't using the logical, long term part of their brain which would say "well I've been very lucky the last few days and mummy doesn't have infinite money". Just stay calm and distract. Ironically having had loads of lovely presents and treats makes kids more emotional and greedy not less so grit your teeth and model calm, reasonable behaviour. It will get better.I recommend the marshmallow test as a really interesting book about the emotional and logical side of the brain and how to develop one over the other!

missmapp · 28/12/2019 19:55

When mine went through that phase, I would take a picture of the thing they wanted and add it to the next list ( Christmas or birthday ). I found that just by taking a photo, the nagging stopped. Might work ??

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2019 19:56

He's three, you're being unreasonable, he's acting his age and within his capabilities. I'm sorry, but you're the one who isn't.

HisBetterHalf · 28/12/2019 19:57

Wow hes 3 ffs

user1493413286 · 28/12/2019 19:58

I think that’s all quite normal; with my nearly 3 year old I’ve taken to answering the first 2-3 times then ignoring further requests and telling her clearly that I’ve already given my answer and won’t keep on repeating myself

bluenoir · 28/12/2019 19:58

"No"
"Let's put it on your birthday list"

Works well for me.

Amanduh · 28/12/2019 19:59

He’s three.
Three year olds don’t have the capacity for gratitude or thinking about why they can’t have what they want.
He’s three.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:59

With my three year old, I teach her to say thank you every time she has something. With treats, we do “one more and then no more”, so she knows when she receives the treat that it’s the only one she’s getting. If she demanded things she would simply and repeatedly be told no.

MrsMillerbecameababy · 28/12/2019 19:59

If you don't want a spoilt child, don't say in the same breath that you want him to be grateful for being spoilt... There are a lot of threads like this atm - I spoil my child. I am upset that my child is spoilt... These things can't possibly be connected...

As others say he's 3 therefore has no understanding of money and has just been given far too many toys and presents. Maybe you encouraged him to ask for things for Christmas by writing a letter to father Christmas/ santa with him? Or asking him what he wants?

Now suddenly it's naughty to want and ask for presents. Suddenly, after showering him with too much stuff - spoiling him - he's told it's not nice to want things and nasty to be spoilt.

It can't make much sense if you're 3, can it?

Gratitude for overwhelming volumes of stuff and confusing mixed messages is also really a completely age inappropriate expectation.

At 3, 3 presents are about right at Christmas or birthday. More are just overwhelming.

Everyone could do with going less overboard at Christmas and adults could do with thinking through the mixed messages and inexplicable to a child expectations they project into very small children.

user1493413286 · 28/12/2019 20:01

Also my DD can’t understand the idea of having something later so saying she can have an ice cream after she’s played wouldn’t be processed unless it was within the next few minutes such as saying we’ll eat lunch then have an ice cream so I think you’re expecting a bit much for him to understand having one after playing for a while

bridgetreilly · 28/12/2019 20:01

Three year olds don’t have the capacity for gratitude

That just is not true. Three year olds who have never been taught to be grateful won't be, but three year olds can definitely learn to be grateful.

endofthelinefinally · 28/12/2019 20:03

MN is bonkers atm.
Not for the first time, I am wishing that a modicum of common sense and a tiny bit of reading around normal child development was compulsory before procreation.

Dipsydoodle · 28/12/2019 20:06

I think three year olds can parrot gratefulness, by saying thank you by rote, but I don't think they can really feel gratefulness properly. They just say what they've been told to say, there's not really much meaning behind it.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/12/2019 20:10

As above, 3 year olds have no concept of money, and very little concept of time. (So an ice cream “later” doesn’t mean that much to them.. they just hear ice cream!) I do remember how frustrating it was, having forked out for soft play, and all they wanted was money for those ride on or grabby machines!
Just remember.. this too shall pass.. but yeah, I found 3 pretty hard work.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 28/12/2019 20:11

That just is not true. Three year olds who have never been taught to be grateful won't be, but three year olds can definitely learn to be grateful.

Usually they're just parrotting thank you - that's not gratitude. A 3 year old won't experience genuine gratitude for Christmas because they have no concept of what was involved to provide them the toys and treats.