To want my 3 year old to show some gratitude?

[Saltdoughmuncher]

I know, I know he is only 3. But he is driving me insane at the minute. He was thoroughly spoilt at Christmas, so many toys and presents from relatives and I want him to realise how lucky he is.

He asks for things constantly. It’s a new phase but it’s starting to make him sound spoilt and entitled and I really hate it. We went to soft play for an hour today, explained in the car on the way there that we had just eaten lunch so we wouldn’t be buying drinks and snacks, but that he could have an ice-cream after playing for a while. The whole time we were there he was asking for money for the games machines, snacks, drinks etc. He doesn’t usually scream and shout when told no, but will go on and on about it. If he were older I would say if he asks for anything again we go straight home, but I’m not sure this is fair at his age?

At home tonight he has decided he now loves Octonauts and wants one of the toys. I’ve explained that it has just been Christmas, he had lots of lovely things and that he won’t be getting anything else any time soon. But he has gone on and on all evening!

For reference I never give in to the constant asking or whinging. I’ve not been very well and so my temper is a little shorter than usual but today I’ve really struggled not to shout at him.

Please tell me this phase won’t last long and he will learn to be grateful for what he has?

@ endofthelinefinallyis there any need to be so rude?

I haven’t said I’m punishing him for his behaviour just that I’m finding it frustrating at the minute and I was reaching out on a mums forum to see if others have similar experiences. I didn’t say how do I make this stop, I asked for reassurance it wouldn’t last forever. I understand that he is 3, that he can’t help a normal stage in his development. Surely I’m allowed to be slightly frustrated by it though!

My 3 year old has been very emotional over the past week. Everything has just been more heightened. She’s been high on life but also quick to get frustrated and irritable. I think they are all wound up by Christmas, out of routine and just a bit harder work in general.

Over the past few months, she has asked for something at any cafe connected to an activity. Most of the time I’ve said no but we’ve had some colossal strops When I’ve done so despite her growing out of tantrums a while ago. I think it is just a phase where they are getting more used to asking for things rather than just being given them or not. Eg, you want them to ask for water if they’re thirsty but it must take time to understand that you don’t want them to ask for chocolate if they’re hungry. I can see why that doesn’t make sense to a 3 year old.

You can’t expect him to make the link between having had lots of presents and not wanting something else in a short time frame. Some relatives got mine some money and that has been useful as she can now think about if there’s anything else she’d like and to have some control over the money or we’ve suggested thinking about what she’d like for her birthday.

So, basically I think your expectations are too high.

Three year olds can show true delight in a present, and that's gratitude.

Three year olds can be trained to perform gratitude for things they take no delight in, and that's a little bit grim, though arguably a useful skill.

Three year olds (especially only just turned three year olds) can't cope with too much at once, and if you give them too many presents they won't really appreciate most (or if you're unlucky any) of them because of the overload. They don't understand the money spent or why they have so much at once today but are not allowed to ask for another present the next day.

Agree with @MrsMillerbecameababy Children are egocentric at three and gratitude isn't a real concept in relation to what they have vs others. Be consistent and don't spoil your child and you won't have an ungrateful child. But don't expect miracles if you give into every demand. It's about you, not them!

I’m pretty sure that three year olds don’t do gratitude.

My child thanks people without prompting, when she receives something. She might not understand what it means but she understands that it’s important.

churchandstate that's lovely but it's manners/ observing a social norm, not gratitude.

The OP wants gratitude.

I always found rather than saying 'no' I would just say 'maybe you'll get it for your birthday'. I agree he is too young to understand gratitude etc. But he'll learn it by seeing you model it. Children learn to be generous by seeing their parents model that too rather than always telling them 'no' when they want things. It's completely normal to want things, of course but obviously we can't get everything and not straight away which is why I found the 'you might get it for your birthday/Christmas helps.

MrsMillerbecameababy

Indeed. And it’s an open question whether a 3 year old is capable of feeling it. We know they are capable of expressing it, though.

Suddenly, after showering him with too much stuff - spoiling him - he's told it's not nice to want things and nasty to be spoilt

This.

YANBU to ‘want’ him to understand and be grateful - but he won’t until he’s much older. He’s only little at just turned three years old and he wants what he can see. You just have to try and ride it out, either avoiding setting up the expectation of a treat or dealing with tantrums. Sorry! They can be totally adorable and hilarious at that age though so that’s compensation.

Yanbu to want it but it's not going to happen.

One of the parenting books, probably 'how to talk...' but I can't remember, suggests giving them what they want in fantasy. So you could say 'if I could have any octonaut toy I wanted I would choose an octopod that really swam under water, what do you think?`and let him describe his perfect toy / huge ice cream sundae etc.

I've found it effective in the past when I've remembered to do it but perhaps more significantly is a hell of a lot more interesting for you than saying 'no,' 'not this time,' 'just go away and play in the soft play ice oasis to get in you little squirt' etc all day

Ice oasis = ive paid

My twins are four and I find similar behaviours very difficult. Like your DS, they have their birthday quite close to Christmas, so I think there’s a wave of gifts and celebrations that all come at once, which contributes to an expectation that there will always be more coming. What’s interesting is that one of mine is always wanting and asking for more, whereas the other isn’t. He actually asked to write a thank you letter to Santa and has said every day how thankful he is for his Christmas presents.

Tactics that I find that work with the less grateful one are to breezily say, ‘I don’t have money for that today’ when he asks to go on the ride on toys or for other toys or sweets. Since those sorts of things often require cash and I rarely carry any, I’m usually being quite honest! I also suggest that we add toys that they want to a list for their next birthday or Christmas, and help them draw a picture of it. This Christmas I also took them to buy toys and food to donate to toy collections and food banks, and we talked about other families who might not have enough money to buy things like that. I will admit that I sometimes point out that I no longer want to hear sentences that start with the words ‘I want’, but that’s as much about politeness as gratitude.

@churchandstate you can get 3 year olds to say "Thank you", and often if they get a nice gift they'll be genuinely exhilarated but that isn;t genuine gratitude. They're completely egocentric at that age and living entirely in the present. It doesn't matter that they had a cake yesterday or will get one next week they want it now. It won't work to make them feel bad about wanting a cake "when I've already done so much for you lately". There's no point making them feel bad for reacting naturally to the cake that was put there deliberately to look delicious make everyone want it. At 3 you can just be firm, kind and calm. "Oh my goodness it does look yummy, I wish we could have it too but remember we're not having treats today". Then distract and move on ASAP.

Oh gosh, DD is nearly 7 and focuses constantly when we go out - drinks, machines, more machines, more drinks - it's so rare she gets anything but tap water and I've never ever given her £1 for a machine but still it goes on. I don't take her home as it's unfair on her sister and the other children she just wastes a lot of time begging for stuff she'll never get. Her loss and I guess she'll learn eventually but I assume it's fairly normal

My 3.5 year old granddaughter doesn't ask for toys unless she sees them in a shop. She doesn't actually ask, but she assures me that she likes that toy. She doesn't expect it to be bought for her because neither I nor my daughter have bought toys like that on a whim.

I do buy her toys and books throughout the year, but not much for birthdays and Christmas because she gets plenty from everyone else then. I don't often buy sweets or ice creams either - only if we're out somewhere special and we're all having something.

But I do see lots of children who are forever wanting and asking - maybe because they do sometimes get what they ask for? At three, they're not going to think through that sometimes it's yes and sometimes no. They will just want and know that in the past, asking has had its reward.

To be grateful, they have to have more understanding than a toddler has.

NoseyBuggerMummy

I know. I’m teaching her.

An average three year old human has the cognitive ability equivalent to that of a domestic pig....

Pigs are smart.

Mine show gratitude, for gifts but also for being taught how to be decent human beings. They say Thanks and it fills my heart with pride.
They are all late teens/early 20's though
I definitely was not shown any gratitude by a 3 year old, nor would I have expected it.

I want my 13 and 23 year old to show some gratitude .... good luck getting it from a 3 year old :)

You are expecting too much, at three in his mind everything is about him and his immediate wants.

A three year old can learn to parrot thank you but actual gratitude comes later.