To think PILs should contribute something?

[Concestor]

We've just hosted my parents for Christmas for 3 days. They brought wine and some other bits and bobs as a contribution.

We often stay with them and take things too. If we visit PIL we stay at my parents' because PIL have turned both their spare rooms into non-bedrooms so there's no room for us.

PIL were invited to come after Christmas to visit. They announced they were coming for 5 days including NYE.

They are not bringing anything to contribute to food. They made us buy the kids' gifts (and wrap them) and give us cash (nice to get something but basically zero thought even though we all do wish lists to make it easier).

AIBU to think that if they impost a 5 day visit on us they should contribute to costs a bit?

DH won't ask them and won't tell them to come for less time either. He was even going to go to work during their visit until I told him to book the time off. They're ok people but just sit on the sofa on their phones all day ignoring the children and us so it's not really very fun. I don't dislike them but I don't especially enjoy their company either.

I’d just say when they got there that you haven’t been shopping yet and would they like to come along to pick some bits. Cheeky of them to expect You to host for free.

I don't think you can ask, sorry. Or presume.

Families are just different - what your family do shouldn't be the index for judging them.

I do think they shouldn't dictate the length of the visit (and your DP certainly shouldn't work while they're there - dropping all the hosting on you is not fair!).

I ask my family (and friends) to bring with them what they want to drink alcohol wise and over Christmas I suggested people bring any snacks that we might not have in. My pil always ask what they can contribute. We’re a young family with not a whole lot of cash so I’d rather ask than struggle to pay the bills in January

Sarahandquack I'm not judging them by my family so much as judging them by basic standards of not being a cheekyfucker.

They don't help out at all either while here. I just think it's out of order to come for 5 Days and not offer any contribution. Unfortunately I've done the shopping online already so can't take them to the shops.

But your 'basic standards' are not universal 'basic standards', are they? So you are judging by your family, I think.

Some families would not expect to help out as guests, or to be asked to contribute. In fact, in lots of places (I know this from MN), it is considered extremely rude to allow your guests to help or to contribute.

People are just very different.

I think the only fair thing is to judge them against themselves. Ok, they can't put you up, so it's not a perfect comparison, but while you're there, are you expected to muck in with the washing up/bring a bottle for dinner/do the pudding? If so, then crack on with expecting them to do the same. If not, then it might be they just have different ideas about what hosts do from you.

Make sure you give them plenty of opportunities to pay for coffees/lunches out. Ask them to pick up things from the supermarket when they are out and about (wine). Drive into supermarket carpark and say 'FIL/MIL please can you pop in and pick up x y z. I will wait in the car/park up here'...do not get out of car yourself.

Just say no

Stash decent goodies away and get the basic ranges out...

My in laws sound identical. This has happened to us before too but this year I just told them with the invite. "Oh yes of course you're welcome to stay, we are short on the puddings if you don't mind"

I agree it's CFery and totally short sighted and entitled. I particularly feel this with mine because of the similar situation in converting rooms so we can never stay there.

How do people impose themselves on you for 5 days, you must be an absolute pushover, in my family people would be invited as guests, I can’t imagine anyone saying they would be staying for five days ... .

I think this is one of those things where different families just do things differently. It would never occur to me to expect anyone who comes to stay with me to contribute to food (either in cash or by bringing things) and nor do I normally do that when I stay with other people. But there are certainly families where that would be expected and normal.

I don't think announcing when they are coming, rather than asking/discussing is okay, though. Your DH needs to learn to say no to them, and to issue invitations only when you have both agreed.

I would just make very basic meals like chilli con carnie, pasta, fish pie, stew, and pizza. With no puddings nor alcohol. You can always ask them to bring their own poison.

Ragwort they were invited but DH just said to come after Christmas so they replied with the 5 Days, and he isn't capable of telling them no or suggesting a shorter visit.

I can cope with it I just think they should bring something as it's costing us so much. And I do think it's standard to bring a contribution and to help out.

I always used to help at theirs till I wished up and now I make DH do it.

Your DH should have said five days wouldn’t work as you have other plans and they could come for a couple of days or postpone. Especially if they were there for Christmas.

Yes he should! He even came off the phone shocked at how long they wanted to come for but when I said "did you not say that was a bit long/inconvenient?" He just did his usual blank look while saying No.
They haven't come yet. I still have the pleasure to come after having hosted my family over Christmas and two sets of friends in between.
Roll on Jan 7!!

Tricky, but I’d go out for meals if my parents came, I’d pay one night (if I could get the bill before dad paid!) and they’d pay the next night. Could you try that? Really blatant ie ‘Ooh, we’ll get this, you get it tomorrow when we go to....’.

I honestly think staying for 5 days is bonkers, unless they’re coming from abroad and not expecting to contribute is massively inconsiderate.

I’d never expect family to chip in or bring anything. They sometimes do but I’m hosting them and they are family. I don’t bring much when I go to mum and dads either. Or when friends come and stay I always tell them to just bring themselves.

My pil never contribute and stay often.
I wouldn't mind but when we go to theirs it's a very frugal affair with very basic food.
Pil are very thin but eat like horses when here. .
Fil will often eat 4 or 5 different cereals which even dd comments on, at theirs we get given the box of what we have chosen.
The weirdest thing is that when they have been here for a few days looking after the children, they will sometimes buy some milk or bread after they have eaten mine but then take theirs home when they leave and leave us with nothing I find this very odd and frankly annoying.

I wouldn't expect family visiting me to contribute anything. A little gift maybe when they leave but not a contribution to the housekeeping.
Re them just sitting on the sofa. Do they maybe feel a bit awkward, have you true dti involve them in what you are doing. Suggest they take your children out etc?

I'd never expect family to contribute a penny! I think it's incredibly rude, they're your family ffs! However I do think it's entirely reasonable to come back and say you can only accommodate them for 2/3 days and that 5 days just won't work.

How much cash do they give you?

If I have guests, that's it, I don't expect anything, but I do think It is a family kind of thing, if they bring some drink etc. Did they give you money for the kids presents and then money again. That's what some families do. I wouldn't be offended by it OP.

I do think this is why we see more PIL posts as if you have grown up with a certain way of doing things the opposite will always seem strange. DPs family would be offended if family brought food, whereas mine is very much share the cost.

Nonnymum of course I do! They don't like going out, they don't want to play games, all they do is watch TV really. They're just very inactive people with no interests.

I have a strategy for dealing with it this time, basically go out with the kids and leave them at home on some of the days unless they actually want to come.

It's more that it's a lot of money to do three meals a day for five days.

Someone asked re the money. I haven't had it yet but usually they pay for the children's gifts and give DH and I £50. For me it's that I'd just prefer an actual gift to open, it's not the cost of it.

But this post isn't about gifts. It's about the visit really.

They should contribute something, it’s Christmas for goodness sake, January is a long month, money wise, and having extra people for 5 days is quite a lot extra in terms of your food and drinks bill.
Plus you can’t really do anything, other than with them all week.
My idea of hell 😀