To think PILs should contribute something?

[Concestor]

We've just hosted my parents for Christmas for 3 days. They brought wine and some other bits and bobs as a contribution.

We often stay with them and take things too. If we visit PIL we stay at my parents' because PIL have turned both their spare rooms into non-bedrooms so there's no room for us.

PIL were invited to come after Christmas to visit. They announced they were coming for 5 days including NYE.

They are not bringing anything to contribute to food. They made us buy the kids' gifts (and wrap them) and give us cash (nice to get something but basically zero thought even though we all do wish lists to make it easier).

AIBU to think that if they impost a 5 day visit on us they should contribute to costs a bit?

DH won't ask them and won't tell them to come for less time either. He was even going to go to work during their visit until I told him to book the time off. They're ok people but just sit on the sofa on their phones all day ignoring the children and us so it's not really very fun. I don't dislike them but I don't especially enjoy their company either.

And if they are staying for New Years Eve, they are there for New Years Day too.

I'd just get DH to call them and change the visit to 2 nights and suck up the cost of that yourself. Less stress all round.

I also would not be asking or thinking they should contribute, it is / was one of those things you should just suck up.

I wouldn't expect family to pay for food when visiting us - unless we were seriously on our uppers and they knew it. My parents fed and clothed me for 15 years. I can stand them a few dinners and a bottle of vino.

Five nights. Jeez OP, do they live the other end of the country and only see you once a year. If not then this is way over the top. Could you have 'just remembered' plans you had made that just fell out of your head with all the chaos over Christmas. This happens me for real so is believable.

Isn't that nice of them. After all the extra Christmas crap some put themselves through, his parents are coming to give you two time together. 😂

Frankly it's rude to turn up to someone's house empty handed. Then there's the fact that they've imposed themselves on you for longer than you anticipated.

You have a few options in my opinion:

1. Tell them (via DH) that five days is too long and suggest two nights (for example). Host as you normally would in that time.

1. Say that you will be doing a big shop before they arrive and ask what, if anything, they would like to add to the list given they'll be there for a few days. Explain that you will be splitting the cost between all the adults.

1. Let them know that you are meal planning for the time that they are there. Ask them if they have any favourite recipes they'd like to cook and tell them that they will need to bring the ingredients.

1. Tell them that you're done with catering and cooking over the Christmas period and intend to eat out as much as possible. On that basis you think that a kitty would be a good idea so remind them to bring cash/cards.

I disagree with PPs saying that it's 'wrong' to ask family to contribute. I wouldn't expect anyone, family or not, to pay to feed me for five days without sticking my hand in my pocket.

Five days is long! You're not the only Mumsnetter to have talked about grandparents being on their 'phones all day. I think it's weird, especially for quite mature people. At their age they should know it isn't good manners to do that when you're in company.

You can't ask them for money towards their 'keep' but they might surprise you and give you something, or buy some shopping. We can live in hope.

@Bluerussian
I hear you regarding phones. My mam would be the first to comment if any of her grandchildren were attached to their phone permanently I.e. have you forgotten how to have a real life conversation or can you cope for more than 5 minutes without that bloody thing in your hand . Mind you I'm almost as bad and I've got about 30 years on her.

But how do you know they won't contribute? These things aren't usually discussed in advance - it's more a case of them bringing something or paying for a lunch out once they're here.

YABU. In my circle it’s polite to bring some alcoholic (if you all drink) beverages and cheese platter type stuff when visiting someone, but I would not expect anyone (friends or family) I was hosting to provide food or contribute to the food shop.

If you go out for a meal, most guests will pick up the tab as a thank you, but I would not be expecting this at all, as it’s my choice to host and I have invited them.

We prefer not to stay overnight with friends/family (prefer hotels), however we will also bring alcohol, chocolates, dessert, snacks etc, depending on what event we are attending at the persons house. This is never necessary or required, but it’s polite to bring something (but not an entire food shop).

I feel you, OP. My MIL is staying with us at the moment and never contributes anything. Ever. Unless you count her contribution to my stress levels. She’s very generous is that respect. We don’t stay with her when we visit her in her country. But wherever we see her she expects to be treated and lavished with gifts, meals and attention. The entitlement is extraordinary. She doesn’t even pretend to reach for her purse if we eat out. I just discovered she’s been using all my cosmetics etc. Somehow used up massive amounts of face cream and other bits and bobs so the bin is filled with empty jars etc. I suspect she’s even using my loofah. Grim. Counting down the days...

@SarahAndQuack but they arent “guests”. They are parents for goodness sake. My PILs are like this and I think it is so rude. You always, always contribute. Or at the bare minimum bring wine, nibbles, sweets etc.

@calmama OMG that is horrific!! My MIL once charged us $25 for her to make us a salad to contribute to Christmas Day. We had travelled for 12 hours with two young children and paid $1000’s of dollars in flights. I basically threw the money at her. I was livid!!!!

Yeahnah2020 !!!

How was the salad in the end?

Perhaps you could do a return visit in the summer and stay at theirs for 5 days and not contribute.

My partner did all the food for my parents and my children over Christmas and he doesn’t complain.hes seen as a hero.

@calmama bloody average!! 🤣🤣🤣 just a standard old green salad with some tomatoes and a bit of avocado. I still laugh about it!

It's interesting @zurala as I would be horrified if grandparents came to visit and expected they'd have to pay money towards shop, or even feel pressure to contribute, especially for only 5 days over the holidays.

Having said that, we have an older family member who comes for 2 1/2 weeks every year to stay with DGP and has never contributed to anything, and I admit I do think she should take out for a meal as a thank you and offer to contribute to shop but that's based on 2 1/2 weeks stay annually with no reciprocation and huge additional costs (special high calorie diet, eats like a whale yet the size of a skeleton).

Maybe menu plan some frugal meals like a vegetarian curry with rice etc., a jacket potato with salad etc. Try to enjoy the visit!

This would not bother me. I would take the view they spent quite a bit of £££ bringing my husband up as a child and 5 days of food is nothing in comparison.

Yeahnah2020 If you don’t laugh you cry.

I thought about posting a blog-style thread in AIBU about my MIL’s antics throughout her (seemingly) endless visit to help take the edge off while entertaining readers about her cocky fuckery.

However, I’m certain I would get flamed by all those posters who don’t mind their visitors leaving them in debt, possible divorce and with a loofah clogged up with their body bits.

So I didn’t. Therefore I will instead cry quietly to myself until she leaves...

You need to shorten the visit and cook really shit food, food that is shockingly bad.
And to PP about ‘owing’ - a grown up child is not responsive for what their parent has spent on their upbringing and what a weird argument that has more wide reaching and damaging connotations?

You did right, calmama - no doubt someone would have come along and played the "I wish my MIL was still alive to clog up my loofah with her old skin" card as well, just to add to the general guilt-tripping.

Some people are just hard work to host.

I had my MIL come to England when I was pg with DS1 - she came for 7 weeks, all in, 3 before DS1 was born and 4 after. I don't remember her paying for anything but she'd paid to come over from Aus, AND she was worth her bodyweight in terms of helping out with cooking, cleaning, washing etc., so monetary contributions, or food gifts, weren't needed as well. She was less of a pain than DH at the time too - SHE didn't expect me to make conversation and drive her around, but he did!! Especially after DS1 was born - I just stayed in bed a lot of the time because he had a TT and was very slow feeding (~2h most of them! ) until the TT was snipped at 2wo.

In the OP's case, I agree, don't go all out to entertain. They want to sit on their sofa and be boring bastards? Just leave them to it. Tell them you're doing X if they want to come and then just go. Have snack meals, eat out while you're out and then don't cook in the evening. Tell them to help themselves to the cookware if they need something cooked . Or DH can cook for them if they've forgotten how.

I wouldn’t dream of asking guests to contribute, though when my family visit me and vice versa the visitor traditionally buys a big takeaway and a bunch of flowers for the host on the last night.

Sounds cheeky to me. Have they deliberately changed two bedrooms so they don't have to put people up, but then expect people to host them?

I wouldn't expect people to pay for anything if they stayed with me but I don't know anybody who would turn up to stay without bringing something.

@Ledkr

The weirdest thing is that when they have been here for a few days looking after the children, they will sometimes buy some milk or bread after they have eaten mine but then take theirs home when they leave and leave us with nothing angry I find this very odd and frankly annoying.

Have you never thought about hiding the bread and milk just as they are about to leave