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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to refuse to babysit for in laws anymore?

53 replies

OrdosDeluxe · 28/12/2019 15:19

Hi all, Dad here.

We have a 10 month old, and my wife's best friend (also her sister in law, as this friend ended up marrying her brother) has 2 kids, a 3 year old and a 7 month old.

My wife is a really nice person, but she's lazy when it comes to our home and our baby. I find myself working full time, and also doing the majority of baby stuff when I'm not working. I also end up doing around 80% of housework, and cooking. Truth be told I don't mind, as I know that looking after baby is hard, and I completely understand how tough it can be.

My big issue right now is that because my wife is so nice, she finds herself getting asked to help babysit her sister in law's kids very frequently. I've got absolutely no issue helping out occasionally, but it happens really frequently. This ranges from a full day watching, to popping into their house for an hour or so to allow them to run errands.

For example this week, we've had the 3 year old for most of a day so that his mum can get her house tidied. When I suggest the same to my wife, to let us get caught up on the housework, I get told "no no, I don't want to put them out." They never volunteer to babysit for us of their own accord either, and at the time of writing they have never had our baby.

I understand it's good to build relationships with the extended family, but I'm getting to the point where I'm resenting my wife because she is happy for me to run ragged at home, yet she will happy accept or volunteer to take these other kids (ultimately causing more work for me). Am I being unreasonable if I ask my wife to stop taking these other kids? At least for a while?

OP posts:

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 15:25

Does your wife work. Or is she a SAHM? Because if she is a SAHM then she is doing all the baby stuff whilst you're at work. It's not unreasonable for her to expect you to look after your child and do "baby stuff" when you're at home. If you didn't then you'd never form a bond with your child so remove that complaint from your list. You are a parent and you need to do that job when you're at home.

The rest of it though; if she is volunteering to babysit constantly then leave her to it but dont get involved in it. Tell her what you've said here and tell her that you're simply to not willing to give up your time to mind their kids, especially since they never return the favour. If she wants to say yes then she needs to do it without your help.

Regarding housework, sit down and have a chat. Decide which chores should be done by each of you and how often etc. Come up with some kind of schedule which you both agree with and can stick too. You shouldn't be doing all of the housework so it really is OK for you to tell her that things need to change.

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 15:27

Also, you could just ask them to babysit. Next time they drop their kids off, why dont you say "we've been watching your kids so much that we're actually getting really snowed under with housework. Would you mind watching ours for a few hours next week so we can catch up"

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 15:30

Communicate with them yourself.

If you don't want to look after their kids, leave it to your wife.

If you want them to look after yours, ask them.

You don't need your wife's permission to have these conversations.

patchworkpatty · 28/12/2019 15:36

No sorry you have posted on MN and therefore should go to work, look after baby and cook all meals !

Back in the real world. The answer is NO.

If your wife doesn't want to do 'wife work' fair enough. She gets a job and contributes financially and you get a cleaner in.

I am a a full time working mum who has somehow managed 3 kids and 4 step kids... EVERYTHING is split. Money and house work as well as child care. She can't have it both ways. Stop being a mug

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 15:42

@patchworkpatty
Literally no one has said that.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 28/12/2019 15:59

How does your wife feel about the babysitting?

It might be that she likes it. I always found 2 kids easier than 1 as they play together!

Arthritica · 28/12/2019 16:02

turnaroud at 10 months??

Once they are all toddles, sure, but not as babies.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 28/12/2019 16:09

@Arthritica yes, struggling to remember that far back, but I remember DD never wanting to be put down, but happily crawling around with the other babies at Mum and baby meet ups. Couldn't do much, but being able to sit and chat with a cuppa and cake whilst the babies crawled around independently was lovely!

misspiggy19 · 28/12/2019 16:27

**No sorry you have posted on MN and therefore should go to work, look after baby and cook all meals !

Back in the real world. The answer is NO.

If your wife doesn't want to do 'wife work' fair enough. She gets a job and contributes financially and you get a cleaner in.**

^I agree with this .

mummyway · 28/12/2019 16:34

Make your wife see how the current set up is unfair. And refuse to babysit the next few times so they get the message. Cheeky gits

SarahMused · 28/12/2019 16:40

When she goes to mind the kids at their house does she take your baby with her or leave them at home with you? If she is looking after all three kids herself that is up to her. If not and she is leaving your baby at home I would make sure I had something important to do at that time so she had to mind all three, then she might not be so keen. Likewise at your house, if she invites extra kids round, go out and leave her to it a few times. I think she is relying on you to pick up the slack so she can do her SIL a favour.

crystal1717 · 28/12/2019 16:46

Your wife has a 10 month old baby which she looks after while and so you can work full time.
That's far more tiring than any job.
She also takes on babysitting her friends children which is her own choice.
Point one is obscenely controlling to forbid her from doing this. I bet your DC loves his little friends and your wife loves them round. Happy children are far easier than being isolated with one fractious baby.

Point two is that I bet millions of us are fuming at you calling her lazy. Wife work is mainly hidden and it's v v tiring having a baby. If she's exhausted when you get in, on an evening, it's not laziness. Step up and cook but don't be such an dickhead about it.
Like they tell women, try to be a bit kinder.

nestisflown · 28/12/2019 16:52

Agree with pp that next time your in laws drop off their children you should ask them to reciprocate in person. They really should've offered to have yours and you know your wife won't ask so you'll just have to do it yourself.

I sympathise with you on the lazy and/or exhausted partner issue. I'm like your wife and my husband got to the end of his tether after a couple of years of that (though the difference is I did 80% of the childcare while he did 90% of the housework). We've now got a very basic weekly Rota that works really well for us (happy to pm you the template). We have the exact same chores every week and except for bedtime routines, we never switch round chores responsibilities. So bins, cooking, cleaning kitchen and hoovering is always DH's responsibility while laundry, mopping, and cleaning bathrooms is always my job. It works well so far and if one of us is away, we take on the others chores. The house is mostly tidy, and somewhat clean (never spotless but doesn't look dirty). But most importantly, neither of us feels hard done by (I used to feel I never got a break from the children and my husband used to think I was a slob and always picked up after me).

Pumpkinpie1 · 28/12/2019 16:54

Your post doesn’t say if your wife is breast feeding & who gets up in the night ?
Having a young baby can be very isolating & it’s good that she is able to socialise with your SIL. Caring for a child isn’t just about chores it’s also learning through play & watching & being with her cousins is more than just babysitting
I think you need to talk about division of chores ,childcare & reasonable expectations. Having children does change priorities and an immaculate house with unhappy occupants isn’t healthy
I hope you find some middle ground

Arthritica · 28/12/2019 17:03

Your problem isn’t the in-laws, it’s your marriage.

You seem cross mostly because your wife’s SIL has a child-free day to clean and your wife “didn’t want to bother them” to reciprocate.
News flash - no, she’d rather be with the children than clean. She’s clearly not interested in the housework side. That’s fine, lots of people feel that way.

Your problem appears to be you have very different domestic priorities and are deflecting the issue to “she’s doing too much babysitting.”
If she didn’t have her niece/nephew over, do you honestly think she’d be cleaning?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:12

Because if she is a SAHM then she is doing all the baby stuff whilst you're at work. It's not unreasonable for her to expect you to look after your child and do "baby stuff" when you're at home.

Bollocks. So she should do baby stuff Monday-Friday 9-5 and he should work those hours and then do baby stuff for the remainder of the time? What a ridiculous suggestion.

SandyY2K · 28/12/2019 17:12

If you posted as a woman, the response would be very different.

If you work full time and do the majority of the baby stuff and the housework...then when do you get a break?
Instead you get a pp saying you never mentioned breastfeeding..why would you.

Many women are lazy...becoming a mum just shows them up more.

Next time she agrees to babysit...go out with your baby and leave her to it.

Once she gets run ragged...she may not be so willing to help out.

UndomesticHousewife · 28/12/2019 17:20

Because if she is a SAHM then she is doing all the baby stuff whilst you're at work. It's not unreasonable for her to expect you to look after your child and do "baby stuff" when you're at home.

So what is she doing when op is at home doing the baby stuff after work? Shouldn't she then be doing 'work' ?

Yes it's tiring looking after babies and children and certainly no one would expect the house to be a show home but people can do bits of housework whilst looking after children literally every single person I have ever known can do this. But not on Mumsnet apparently.

misspiggy19 · 28/12/2019 17:23

**If you posted as a woman, the response would be very different.

If you work full time and do the majority of the baby stuff and the housework...then when do you get a break?**

^This. Your wife is taking the kick.

misspiggy19 · 28/12/2019 17:23

Mick

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2019 17:24

Is it you that ends up looking after all of the children that she has volunteered for?

If yes, then you need to go out as PP suggests with your 10 month old when they arrive.

You will get some odd responses on here, OP, as you are a man. I had a 10 month old and I'm a bit lazy on housework, too. It is possible to look after a 10 month old and clean the house to an acceptable standard e.g. hoovering/dusting once a week, washing up and putting dinner on.

When my 10 month old napped I watched tv and did nothing and then rushed to get dinner ready later before hubby arrived home - and yes, I was breast feeding. But, your child is a 10 month old and unlikelty to be exclusively breastfed!!

And as PP suggested, ask the SIL to reciprocate yourself!

paranoidmum2 · 28/12/2019 17:30

YANBU. You should have a say on babysitting when it affects you too.

Does she expct you to look after her niece/nephew too?

andyjusthangingaround · 28/12/2019 17:31

@OrdosDeluxe
What @patchworkpatty said!

You don’t need to accommodate anyone’s kids beyond your comfort zone in your own home.
No is a full sentence. Not only for women...
Good luck 🍀

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 17:38

@UndomesticHousewife

She should be pitching in with housework and family time when he is home. Not sitting about doing nothing for all the hours he is home.

Which is why further down my post I suggested sorting out the housework issue

In the OP he says he "ends up" doing baby stuff when he is home from work. That's called being a parent. You csnt refuse to parent during your time at home just because you work during the day. He should be doing baby stuff when he's not at work. Just like she should be pitching in and doing housework and family time when he is home.

We've no idea how much work the 10 month old is. Sometimes housework during the day just isn't all the practical. He should be getting some chill out time after work but he also needs to take over baby duty to give mum a break.

Being alone with a baby day in, day out is really hard on your mental health. He might find his job challenging and tiring, but at the end of the working day he has achieved something, overcome a challened and is tired in a good way. Take care of a baby is not the same so when he comes home, he needs to give her a break too. He's talking as if he doesnt think he should be involved with the baby because he works. He shouldn't have had a kid if he didn't want to do both.

She might not have a job but a baby takes a lot of work. When the kids is older, the argument changes because she then really doesnt have much to do.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:42

@Lulualla she's not at home with nobody to talk to but the baby all day because she takes that time to agree to babysit SILs kids.

What you're saying is right in normal circumstances and OP said he doesn't mind any of the things he does in his own home. He doesn't even mind doing 80% of the housework and cooking. It's the babysitting he resents.

You just want to blame him because he's a man when he's already addressed how tiring a baby is.

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