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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to refuse to babysit for in laws anymore?

53 replies

OrdosDeluxe · 28/12/2019 15:19

Hi all, Dad here.

We have a 10 month old, and my wife's best friend (also her sister in law, as this friend ended up marrying her brother) has 2 kids, a 3 year old and a 7 month old.

My wife is a really nice person, but she's lazy when it comes to our home and our baby. I find myself working full time, and also doing the majority of baby stuff when I'm not working. I also end up doing around 80% of housework, and cooking. Truth be told I don't mind, as I know that looking after baby is hard, and I completely understand how tough it can be.

My big issue right now is that because my wife is so nice, she finds herself getting asked to help babysit her sister in law's kids very frequently. I've got absolutely no issue helping out occasionally, but it happens really frequently. This ranges from a full day watching, to popping into their house for an hour or so to allow them to run errands.

For example this week, we've had the 3 year old for most of a day so that his mum can get her house tidied. When I suggest the same to my wife, to let us get caught up on the housework, I get told "no no, I don't want to put them out." They never volunteer to babysit for us of their own accord either, and at the time of writing they have never had our baby.

I understand it's good to build relationships with the extended family, but I'm getting to the point where I'm resenting my wife because she is happy for me to run ragged at home, yet she will happy accept or volunteer to take these other kids (ultimately causing more work for me). Am I being unreasonable if I ask my wife to stop taking these other kids? At least for a while?

OP posts:
WorldsOnFire · 28/12/2019 17:55

Sometimes I think my DH thinks he ‘does most of the housework’ because he does the dishwasher and washing/bins on his days off. I honestly don’t think he realises the dishwasher (table top one) runs twice a day almost every day and the washing machine at least once. All the sides get wiped, food shops done, batch cooking and general tidying.

Maybe just have a convo with your DW about her use of time during the day and see what she says. You may find she does more than you think/ or less, who knows

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 17:57

@UndomesticHousewife
Did you even read my entire post?

The only thing I criticised him for was complaining that he had to parent when he gets home from work.

For everything else, I said he was right and that is was absolutely OK for him to tell his wife he is unhappy with it and to discuss the housework situation. So how am I blaming him because he is a man?

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 17:58

The above post was meant for
@GiveHerHellFromUs

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 18:00

@Lulualla presumably you meant to tag me in your response?

You're having a go about things he already sent weren't an issue. He wasn't complaining that he had to parent. He said he was happy to do so. But you still decided to pull him up on it.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/12/2019 18:01

I can’t do much with 52 stitches in my arse and a 3 week old but I can take care of the baby. If your wife isn’t able to do that then I would suggest you tell her, kindly, that being a stay at home mum isn’t working and you need her to return to work.

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 18:04

He says he doesnt mind but he included it in his post because it's one of those things which piles ontop of the actual problem, and gives him a bit of boost in the feeling annoyed department. He might not mind doing it, like I dont mind taking my kids clothes to the washing basket, but when added to the other issues it becomes part of the problem.

It shouldn't even be added into the calculation. He's a parent. When he comes home from work he needs to parent. He can mention it and then say he doesnt mind when he is clearly using it to add up all the annoyances.

It's getting really quite ridiculous on this site when you cant disagree with one aspect of a post but still support the main point and you're told you're blaming him because he's a man. Do people not understand that you can be supportive of the overall point whilst saying that some things really arent relevant.

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 18:05

*cant

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 18:10

@Lulualla point still stands that he shouldn't be doing ALL the childcare when he gets home. They should still both be chipping in.

I said I agree with most of what you said as well so your end point is null and void because you've done the exact thing you're upset about.

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 18:14

No you didn't. You said I would be right in normal circumstances, implying this isn't a normal circumstance so I'm wrong.
You didn't even touch on the majority of my post, in which I agreed with the OP.

You just wanted to have a go, despite my supporting the OP with the actual problems he is having.

crispysausagerolls · 28/12/2019 18:16

This is bullshit. Part of being a SAHM, especially with only one child, IMO is keeping house. It’s not hard. Tidying up etc during the day and minimising mess/throwing a bit of washing in the machine is easy. My house is spotless Monday-Friday when DH is at work, and I am managing a routine of baby and me. The main issue is the weekend when he is there and seems to quadruple the mess - but he helps out then! Adding on the burden of family member’s children to YOUR workload should be a huge fucking no.

Original poster
OrdosDeluxe · 28/12/2019 18:19

Hi all, thanks for the responses, I'll try to address some of what's been raised.

My wife isn't a SAHM, she finished maternity leave in September, and has been back at work part time since then. These issues have been present since before we had our baby and it's only really become a more significant problem since we had our own baby.

For the posts that have picked up on saying "I don't mind doing baby stuff", that's not at all how I meant it to come across. My issue is more that I'd appreciate the time with baby than also having to tackle a load of washing and doing other housework. Now that my wife is back at work I realise that this will be harder to achieve, and I'm very understanding of this - I don't expect her to do it all. My big gripe is that it seems to be fine in her opinion for our house to be a state, while we take these other kids (regardless of which one of us does the chores).

Our baby is formula fed, and I'd say that 90% of the time I'm up in the morning and during the night (this is both pre and post maternity leave). Again, absolutely happy to do this, but not when we get unexpected baggage of additional kids.

I want to reiterate that it's not that I don't want anything to do with the in laws, it's just excessive.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 28/12/2019 18:31

Just speak to in-laws yourself

Oh would it be putting you out if you had dc for a couple of hours Saturday morning?

You’re a person in your own right and can ask the question

Then you can get on with housework etc in peace

Just see if their receptive to it first

I’d be concerned with your wife being “lazy” is she ok mentally and physically?

ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen · 28/12/2019 18:36

You are not being unreasonable. Your in-laws are cheeky fuckers. I would never ask someone with a 10 month old baby to take my 3 kids.

Tell her no. Then tell the in-laws no.

And if you can afford one maybe hire a cleaner?

strawberry2017 · 28/12/2019 18:59

She needs to put her own family and home first.

CakeandCustard28 · 28/12/2019 19:06

I would just have a word with them yourself if she won’t.

RhymingRabbit3 · 28/12/2019 19:29

Your wife has a 10 month old baby which she looks after while and so you can work full time.
That's far more tiring than any job
No it's not, especially for a 10 month old as they sleep for at least 2 hours during the day. I don't see why OP should do 80% of the housework and cooking. Maybe 50/50 but a stay at home parent certainly shouldnt do less than a working parent!
(I have been both)

Lulualla · 28/12/2019 19:30

The OP has clarified that she isn't a SAHM. She works too.

crispysausagerolls · 28/12/2019 20:32

@Lulualla

Ok but then a 50:50 split is fair (although the wife works part time so probably she should pitch in Slightly more as at home more)

carly2803 · 28/12/2019 20:47

single mum here - your wife is taking the piss

i (obviously) do everything,but with a partner its 50/50

if i was part time like your wife, and you full then she should be pitching in more with housework and you at weekends

you should absolutely not be doing 80 percent of it, as it means less time with your child

time to speak to the in laws and your wife!

rwalker · 29/12/2019 09:52

Strange that right or wrong people agree 10 month old hard work and she might not have time for house work . Yet on him returning from work he should do housework and look after baby . If she can't manage it why should he be able to.

ohwheniknow · 29/12/2019 10:02

All these posters falling over themselves to demonstrate they're not "man-haters" by being misogynistic instead. How embarrassing.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 10:05

@ohwheniknow how is it mysogynistic to say she needs to pull her weight with her family before offering to babysit for others?

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 10:07

if she has the energy and will to help out, fine, but she is taking the piss by not doing it at home!

It doesn't matter if it's a wife or husband - the SA HOME parent does the most of the work at HOME. MN in general has different replies depending on the gender, but replace wife /husband by "generic partner" and see what is actually fair in the real world.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 29/12/2019 10:13

OP it might have been helpful to post in the original post that your wife actually does work as it looks like your purposely led everyone to believe she was a SAHM. Based on that you've been given very different answers.

Lllot5 · 29/12/2019 10:26

Surely regardless of sahp or working parent male or female you sort your own house and kids first before tacking any one else’s kids.