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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at my husband and his family?

69 replies

Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 12:46

Hi all,

So I suffer with a chronic bowel disease that I really struggle with both physically and mentally. I've been doing reasonably well recently but for some reason past few days it's kicked off again. We went up to visit my husbands family on boxing day and had a nice day but yesterday I woke up in a lot of pain and feeling awful. We were only planning on staying until today morning anyway but I asked my husband to go home last night because I wa sjust in so much pain (in fact I ended up going to a and E last night). Anyway, my husband has made out I've ruined his Christmas family time and I heard him saying to his sister that 'yeah this is what she's like, this is my life now'. And her saying yeah I feel sorry for you. I just feel very sad and low.. I really try my best and can't help being ill. It's an embarrassing illness where you want your own privacy sometimes. I just feel like they don't understand and feel like my husband has a worse time than me :(

Anyway just interested to hear people's thoughts as feel guilty that I'm actually being selfish :(

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 28/12/2019 12:49

That’s awful I’ve had crohns for 20 years and now an ileostomy and my husband is not the most considerate at times but has not once made me feel guilty for the illness impacting on plans etc. You need to tell him that you heard and how hurtful it was , maybe you need to avoid the sort of rich foods that are linked to Christmas though - things like fruit cake etc used to kill me

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 12:51

Thanks, it's nice to hear from a fellow sufferer. I have uc. Yes not sure about the food. Did my best to avoid anything overly rich but who knows. I just feel unsupported like I was in bed in severe pain and they were all downstairs playing board games :( I'm not saying they shouldn't enjoy their time together but I just felt so alone and like no one cared

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 28/12/2019 12:51

Personally - and I really would - send all of dh's stuff to his dis house.
Fuck him op he is a twat.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 28/12/2019 12:51

No words of advice but like you I would have been devastated to hear what you did.It was so cruel and heartless. I am sorry OP... It would take a very long time to get over the hurt of that.

SpudsAreLife84 · 28/12/2019 12:54
Sad
madcatladyforever · 28/12/2019 12:55

Oh yes because you just decided to have a flare up on purpose Hmm
What kind of dickhead is he. My ex was the same though. Every bit of my chronic disability was done to spite him!

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 12:56

Yes it was extremely hurtful :( makes me feel very sad. Just feel like when things are good (ie I'm well) things are good in our relationship but when I'm not good, it falls apart.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 12:56

I couldn’t come back from hearing my husband imply that he’s a poor little victim and imply that you’re a bad wife. I’m sorry OP, but if he’s painting you I’m this light now, then I hope you never have a (excuse the term) more serious and debilitating illness in the future. Do you have kids? If not, then think carefully about what you want and expect in your relationship in the future.

You shouldn’t let this comment go. You need to speak to him about it, as it will just eat away at you, if you don’t.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 12:58

Also the other thing which kind of made it even worse was that our dog had been unwell before we went and was still unwell whilst there and my husband said on boxing day (when I was still OK) that we'd have to go home the next day of dog was still ill.. He was better but then when I was ill, it seemed like I had to stay and suffer... Seems like he cares more about the dog than me

OP posts:
lovemenorca · 28/12/2019 12:58

OP you have started threads and posted multiple times about your
“Selfish”
“Controlling”
“Bully”
“Lazy”
Etc husband

Why not just leave him? Neither of you seem to like let alone love one another

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 13:01

No we don't have kids. Think given my health its pretty unlikely at least in the near future. Yes I feel exactly like that, that he thinks he's the victim. It reminds me of when my mum was terminally ill with motor neurone disease and my dad said it was worse for him Angry

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 28/12/2019 13:01

He is a complete cuntweasel, you need to LTB

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 13:02

It's hard to just end it, it's not that simple. Anyway I'm sorry for straying another thread, was just looking for some support

OP posts:
KitKatKit · 28/12/2019 13:02

LTB.

PinkiOcelot · 28/12/2019 13:05

I can see where you’re coming from OP, but on the other hand, I can see where he is coming from too.
I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but when you live with someone who is ill (I do, my husband is chronically ill too) sometimes with the best will in the world, your sympathy can wear thin sometimes.
Whilst people are calling him a twat, think what it’s like for him. I think he just let his disappointment show a bit. I’ve been the same at times and whilst I don’t mean it, sometimes my disappointment at having to cut things short or not go at all, unless I go alone, shows.
I’m not trying to belittle your feelings at all OP and you must feel absolutely awful at times. Just trying to put a different slant on it xx

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 13:09

It's hard to just end it, it's not that simple. Anyway I'm sorry for straying another thread, was just looking for some support

All the support in the world will not stop him being an abusive wanker or you being the perpetual doormat. If you keep finding excuses to stay with this asshole, then nothing we say is of importance to you.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 13:09

Thanks for the different opinion. I understand what you're saying and I do feel bad for my husband sometimes but I do think he lacks empathy. Also I have been on the other side as I nursed my terminally ill mother when I was 17/18 and that was really hard

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 28/12/2019 13:33

Why is it so hard to leave him if you don't have children to consider? Do you own a house together, share finances? I'd be seeking legal advice to see how best to separate and give each other the chance at happiness as you are both clearly unhappy being together.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 28/12/2019 13:34

Are you planning to leave him?

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 13:37

I own the house. Because we've been getting on well it's just when I'm ill and struggling things seem to go bad. Most of the time I enjoy our life together and I think he would say the same...

OP posts:
CheesecakeAddict · 28/12/2019 13:40

There's being disappointed which can be expected. Then there is bitching about you behind your bag like a complete knob. He is the latter. UC is horrendous, but people seem to think it's like ibs and so don't take it seriously. I would pack his bags and tell him he doesn't need this to be the rest of his life and he can go back to his family.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 13:41

Thanks cheesecakeaddict.. Yes I feel exactly that - that they don't think it's that bad and I'm just a drama queen... His mum even said its not like you have an incurable illness Hmm

OP posts:
oobieloo · 28/12/2019 13:45

I honestly think no amount of "good times" would make up for my partner saying that about me along with his family. It's in sickness and in health not only when things are good or beneficial to either of you.

There's nothing wrong with admitting you're not right for each other and the longer you spend telling yourself you'll be worse off without him and too afraid to be alone, the longer you prevent yourself finding the person who's right for you.

Get your ducks in a row. Find any evidence of this emotional abuse before he has any idea of what you're doing and get legal advice.

You can't spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you like this. You'll be miserable and it won't be fair on the children if you choose to have them with him. They'll grow up thinking it's normal like you did and pick horrible partners who do the same to them... just like you did.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2019 13:46

Anyway, my husband has made out I've ruined his Christmas family time and I heard him saying to his sister that 'yeah this is what she's like, this is my life now'. And her saying yeah I feel sorry for you.

What exactly did your husband say about you ruining his Christmas family time? Because what you quote him as saying is not that. He sounds as if he was offloading to a sympathetic ear and you unfortunately overheard a private conversation.

Anyway, it sounds as if there is an enormous backstory to this and all previous advice has been to break up with him, which should be relatively straightforward since you have no kids together and you own the house. Just show him the 🚪.

OneDay10 · 28/12/2019 13:48

That's very, very hurtful. But seeing as pp pointed out that this is part of how he treats you, then I'm not sure why you are surprised. At some point you have to realise that you are allowing yourself to be treated this way? You know that he treats you badly, what do you expect to change?

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