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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at my husband and his family?

69 replies

Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 12:46

Hi all,

So I suffer with a chronic bowel disease that I really struggle with both physically and mentally. I've been doing reasonably well recently but for some reason past few days it's kicked off again. We went up to visit my husbands family on boxing day and had a nice day but yesterday I woke up in a lot of pain and feeling awful. We were only planning on staying until today morning anyway but I asked my husband to go home last night because I wa sjust in so much pain (in fact I ended up going to a and E last night). Anyway, my husband has made out I've ruined his Christmas family time and I heard him saying to his sister that 'yeah this is what she's like, this is my life now'. And her saying yeah I feel sorry for you. I just feel very sad and low.. I really try my best and can't help being ill. It's an embarrassing illness where you want your own privacy sometimes. I just feel like they don't understand and feel like my husband has a worse time than me :(

Anyway just interested to hear people's thoughts as feel guilty that I'm actually being selfish :(

OP posts:
HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 28/12/2019 13:56

Start as many threads as you want OP but your husband is a total utter cunt and people will respond to these threads telling you that, telling you that you don’t deserve it and you should leave him. That is supportive.

It’s not simple to leave but it is doable. But only if you want to. Which I’m guessing you don’t? That’s up to you.

Ivyr0se · 28/12/2019 14:06

As awful and unfair as it is nursing your terminally ill mother at 18, it is not the same as living with a partner with a debilitating illness.

You overheard him agreeing with his sister that this is what you are like, so that was her observation.

He is allowed be frustrated that your christmas plans are impacted with your poor health and it would be nice if he showed more support for you but perhaps he was receiving support from his family.

It's hard for both of you and is something neither of you choose.

SchoolPanicTime · 28/12/2019 14:09

Wow that's incredibly hurtful. Sorry OP.

letsdolunch321 · 28/12/2019 14:17

If ever he is ill in future, leave him to fend for himself.

Inconsiderate bastard

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 14:17

Thanks. Umm I actually think seeing my mum lose all ability to function and having to get up in the night to help her with her breathing machine and feeding tube for 2.5 years when I was a teenager was worse than what my hubsnad has to do... Just my opinion

OP posts:
AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 28/12/2019 14:27

If you were unwell when you were married, then it is not as if he didn't know that you had this condition. It doesn't come on all sudden-like as far as I know -- does it?

So now he doesn't like the reality of it, and he is whinging. Well, you don't like the reality of it! Do you whinge?

It seems to me that you are the one in pain and with a horrible and embarrassing condition, and he is the one being a brat.

Livebythecoast · 28/12/2019 14:29

I also nursed my Mum through her terminal illness (wasn't as young as you though). It's awful losing a bit of them every day so you have my sympathies there, especially as you were so young.
Regarding your husband, some people cope differently with chronic illnesses. My friends husband is usually a lovely, kind man but when she's Ill he gets really arsey with her. Like she's an inconvenience. It's like he just can't cope as when she's well she does everything around the house as she doesn't work and he works long hours. I can see both sides as even when my Mum was ill I felt some resentment sometimes which made me feel guilty.
I hope you feel better soon Flowers

Minxmumma · 28/12/2019 14:33

With marriage comes all sorts including health problems. He sounds incredibly selfish and childish.

In the new year perhaps you need to take a step back and assess where this is going and what you want. Otherwise you'll be 10years down the line and still in the same situation.

Sushiroller · 28/12/2019 14:35

All the support in the world will not stop him being an abusive wanker or you being the perpetual doormat. If you keep finding excuses to stay with this asshole, then nothing we say is of importance to you.

This x 100.

Your mum dying is very sad but it has precisely fuck all to do with your choice to stay in a relationship with an arsehole.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/12/2019 14:37

He's a knob, but you know that and you won't leave, so I'm not sure why you're expecting anything else.

In the circumstances, if i was determined to stay with him, I'd have got myself home somehow. Taxi/bus/train/drive and he gets a lift, or whatever... he can stay and enjoy his family, you can be home.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 14:47

Yeah I know. Sigh. Im probably just too weak to leave him as don't want the stress and to be left on my own. I would have tried to get home on my own but it was 200 miles away and I was too ill to really get myself back and even if I had he then would have said don't be silly ill take you...

Yes that sounds like my husband... Not. Good at coping. I've seen it from both sides too and I'm not unsympathetic. There were times when I lost it with my mum because I was just under so much pressure but I always apologised and then got on with it.. My husband doesn't seem able to do that. Last night I was in the bathroom crying in pain, worst pain I've ever had and he jst left me saying he was shattered

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 28/12/2019 14:47

OP you have been moaning about him on here for nearly as long as you have been married.

Either, he just isnt coping for with all your illnesses, drama from your dad etc. And needs support himself or he is a dick.

You say you want support. But support for what? People arenr going to support you staying with a man that you say is abusive.

JustASmallTownCurl · 28/12/2019 14:48

OP, regardless of this thread you need to leave this man. You don't have to live like this my love, be is awful.

You've told us previously that:

He turns off the heating when you are cold. He actually turns it off. Unreal.

He doesn’t let you use your phone freely and kicked off when he "caught" you using it in the loo

Budgeted you £100 then £75 a month to spend on yourself then checks what you’ve bought

He isolates you from your friends and family by being so fucking horrible to be around that people literally have to walk away from him mid conversation

He turns the water off when you run a bath because he doesn't want you to use any

He is an abusive cunt.

You've been posting regularly about how terrible he is for over a year. He is a bully. He isn't going to change.

Please tell me you haven't put his name on the house your parents gave you?

Do you feel any closer to being able to leave? You could have a whole new life! Thanks

peppersaunt · 28/12/2019 14:49

Sympathy from a fellow UC sufferer! Due to a really bad flare my DH was almost solely responsible for the holiday meals/festivities. He’s really lovely but even he was snappish as I had to go back for one of my many steroid-induced naps.

Scarsthelot · 28/12/2019 14:50

I own the house

I hope to god you put something in place to protect it.

Cuteypye · 28/12/2019 14:52

“I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but when you live with someone who is ill (I do, my husband is chronically ill too) sometimes with the best will in the world, your sympathy can wear thin sometimes.”
I’m in this position too (husband shouldn’t still be here) and have been for 24 years. It really can be hard not to feel a little resentful at times. In your situation there’s no children involved to cloud the decision on whether he stays with you or not, but he is still with you so he must really love you despite your illness. Let him know you heard what he said and how upset you were. He was probably just looking (unfairly) for some sympathy and will be horrified you overheard the conversation!

Ingridla · 28/12/2019 14:53

I'm so sorry for you, he sounds like a careless fucking arse tbh. I have a rare blood disorder which impacts my health in various ways & am often poorly despite 'looking fine' and frankly that type of attitude pissed me off massively. You haven't ruined anything you suffer with a horrible condition which makes you feel like rubbish enough without him adding to the pressure. I'd be thinking seriously about my future with him if I were you.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 14:55

The house is just in my name. Oh god yep steroids are awful peppersaunt.

I don't feel any closer to leaving. A few months ago I walked out but then I ended up going back.

I don't know whether he can't cope or whether he's just a child but if he can't cope I'd like to be able to support him and talk about it or maybe he should see someone... But really even though it can be hard for him, it's me that bears the brunt of everything... He stays well clear of my dad and let's me deal with him.

Just to clarify he's stopped the heating and bath thing now

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 28/12/2019 14:57

The house is just in my name. Oh god yep steroids are awful peppersaunt

That means nothing if you are married

KatyCarrCan · 28/12/2019 14:58

Nursing a terminally ill parent and having a partner with a chronic health condition is different. A chronic condition has no end in sight and involved constantly re-evaluating what's possible and what isn't.
Your DH may be horrible. From the other posts on this thread it seems there's a massive backstory. But I don't think it's UR to be disappointed when plans are changed. You're both constantly having to re-evaluate what a relationship is like and what's physically possible. That's primarily difficult for you but it's also emotionally demanding on a partner. I wouldn't expect my DH or DC to miss out because my chronic condition has flared up and I'm stuck in bed. It's also fair to say that most people don't anticipate their life will be curtailed by illness and disability. It's a constant adjustment.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/12/2019 14:59

What an arsehole.

Dollymixture22 · 28/12/2019 15:03

I can sort of understand a rash, irritable comment. I can’t understand his sister agreeing. But really hurtful and unfair. I am so sorry you heard this and can only imagine how low it must make you feel.

Let him know you heard, open up a conversation.

SouthwarkSkaters · 28/12/2019 15:10

I haven’t read the other threads so answering purely based on this one: this would be one of the few things I’d leave DH for. I also have UC and would be devastated if DH saw me as just a burden to carry - and that’s how I’d interpret “ruined Christmas” and “this is my life now”.

I wouldn’t, however, mind if he was playing board games downstairs while I was in bed - but then again I see my flair ups as a lone activity, if I need anything I will ask, otherwise it’s me, my meds and my hot water bottle.

runs to read the backstory

JustASmallTownCurl · 28/12/2019 15:11

The chronic illness is a red herring here OP without the background story which totally changes the dynamics in this

Yes people have a really tough time supporting a partner who is ill.

I have epilepsy myself and constantly feel guilty for the burden of responsibility it puts on my loved ones.

I wouldn't be shocked at someone moaning or being snappy etc.

But your DH is a bully. A selfish, abusive, awful bully who has diminished your confidence so much that you can't see the wood for the trees when it comes to this toxic relationship.

You sound grateful that he's stopped turning the heating off when you're cold. That makes me want to cry.

I really hope you can get out.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/12/2019 15:23

He sounds awful, OP - a nasty, selfish bully who sees you as a malfunctioning appliance. He clearly regards it as your job to look after him and gets resentful when he is expected to do anything for you.

However, you know this. You've heard it all before, and part of me thinks that the sympathy and support you receive on these boards is just allowing you to stay even longer in this stupid relationship. You get affirmation from us that he is the one at fault, and all our posts top you up with the emotional support and understanding that he isn't interested in giving you. Then you feel able to stay with him a bit longer.

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