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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my husband and his family?

69 replies

Ribbon14 · 28/12/2019 12:46

Hi all,

So I suffer with a chronic bowel disease that I really struggle with both physically and mentally. I've been doing reasonably well recently but for some reason past few days it's kicked off again. We went up to visit my husbands family on boxing day and had a nice day but yesterday I woke up in a lot of pain and feeling awful. We were only planning on staying until today morning anyway but I asked my husband to go home last night because I wa sjust in so much pain (in fact I ended up going to a and E last night). Anyway, my husband has made out I've ruined his Christmas family time and I heard him saying to his sister that 'yeah this is what she's like, this is my life now'. And her saying yeah I feel sorry for you. I just feel very sad and low.. I really try my best and can't help being ill. It's an embarrassing illness where you want your own privacy sometimes. I just feel like they don't understand and feel like my husband has a worse time than me :(

Anyway just interested to hear people's thoughts as feel guilty that I'm actually being selfish :(

OP posts:

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/12/2019 16:00

How long have you been married? In terms of the house, it may make a difference and the more quickly you split up, the more likely you are to be able to hang on to it.

While it's good that he doesn't turn the heating and water off any more, that doesn't make everything okay. Your marriage and your husband should be a source of strength and support for both of you. I don't think that divorce should be the first answer to every marital problem, and I do believe in working it out where possible, but your situation is very concerning and I do think that sometimes the only answer is to get out.

Do you have anyone you can talk candidly to about your problems? I think it might help to see how other people who know you react to what happens in your marriage. Telling at least one person also makes it easier to draw on their support when it is needed.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/12/2019 16:41

Spike all their food and drink with laxatives (especially DH's) so they can have a taste of what you go through with your illness.

Your husband is a selfish fucker. Your illness might ease once you rid yourself of that anxiety-causing prick!

DDiva · 28/12/2019 17:05

YANBU. But it can be incredibly hard putting on a front and being happy and sympathetic all the time. No one thinks about the spouse who is supposed to be unending sympathetic and accommodating without a word. It sounds like your husband was disappointed Christmas was not going to be the relaxed gathering he hoped for and was being cut short. He was letting of a little steam, we all have to do that sometimes. Cut him some slack it works both ways.

MissEliza · 28/12/2019 19:08

Your dh is awful. Yes it can be hard when a member of the family is very ill and life revolves around their illness. But when you love them, you hate to see them in pain or discomfort. You don't care about the inconvenience. I think one of important aspects of marriage is that you are there 'for better or worse' etc. If that doesn't exist, then it's not worth staying in.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 28/12/2019 19:38

I’d be telling him you overheard his comment and let him know that if he doesn’t like his life as it is now then the door is that way =>

SpudsAreLife84 · 29/12/2019 05:41

The house being in your name means nothing OP, its now a marital asset and he would be entitled to half of it. You need to arrange to see a solicitor and take steps to protect it so that you can leave him. Please do this, its incredibly important

KatherineJaneway · 29/12/2019 06:17

You're not selfish but you do need to work on your confidence and self esteem. Your dh is a nasty piece of work, that will not change. I hope you find yourself able to leave him in the near future.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 29/12/2019 07:09

OP, I think you’ve had pretty unanimous advice that your relationship is abusive and toxic. I think it’s clear that when you’re ready, you need to leave this selfish excuse for a man. You aren’t being unreasonable about his treatment of you at all.
Very concerningly though, you posted two months ago about wanting a baby.
For gods sake, DO NOT bring a baby into this abusive clusterfuck.

user1471517900 · 29/12/2019 07:25

FineWords has some very very sensible thoughts above.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/12/2019 07:35

The house being in your name only is unlikely to matter if you are married as it will be seen as a marital asset. Remember this.

However, your husband is not a kind man - at least, not to you. He finds your condition inconvenient TO HIM, without ever worrying about how fucking awful it is FOR YOU.

Perhaps you should offer to show him how it feels - see how he would like the pain. I don't have UC or Crohn's, but I used to have horrific IBS (the sort that would have me grey in the face with pain from it) and that's bad enough, without all the ulceration going on as well. He might find out a bit what it's like if he ever has campylobacter food poisoning, as that causes bowel tissue destruction as well (fuck me, that's painful too!! Had that as well).

But basically he and his family neither understand your condition, nor care very much how badly it affects you. Your MIL's comment says as much.

Maybe you could print out some fact sheets about it - about how often the ulceration is so bad that parts of the colon have to be removed because they're too damaged - and so on. That might help them understand. Biopsy/autopsy pics of ulcerated bowels might help too. Ask them to remember having a mouth ulcer and how painful that could be - and then ask them to imagine how that would feel in their belly!

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this unimaginative and unsympathetic sods. Good luck working out how to deal with it

gingersausage · 29/12/2019 07:42

I don’t know the OPs personal back story but I think some posters would do well to have a little more compassion in general!

Finding it hard sometimes living with someone with a chronic illness doesn’t make a spouse a cunt or a twat. It makes them human. I have a chronic and disabling illness and I readily acknowledge how bloody shit it is sometimes for my husband to be stuck with me. This isn’t what he signed up for, but it’s our life now.

In the OPs example where she’s complaining that she was upstairs and her DH was spending time with his family, I can’t see the problem. We are staying with my PILs at the moment; yesterday I felt like death so I spent the afternoon in bed while he watched films with his siblings and our kids. They had fun, I had peace and quiet. Chronic illness doesn’t give you carte blanche to be completely selfish and expect your spouse to dance attendance 24/7.

Radardodgingninga · 29/12/2019 08:14

I don’t think I have read your previous threads so can only comment on this one.

I don’t actually think what he said to his sister was that bad. It could be interpreted as him acknowledging that your illness is so serious that it doesn’t just spoil your quality of life it also has a knock on effect for him and for other family members and that because it is a chronic condition, there is no end in sight. I can sympathise with him because I am in a similar position living with a family member with ongoing (mental) health problems. I do everything I can to support them emotionally and practically and I am fully aware that they suffer much, much more than I do but at times the difficulties and demands their illness places on my life get me down. I would love to have a supportive sibling to confide in or vent to.

You say he lacks empathy but it appears you do too if you can’t see that your illness effects him adversely and he is allowed to acknowledge that in what he thought was a private conversation.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2019 08:36

I don’t think I have read your previous threads so can only comment on this one.

Well if you'd looked at a couple of posts above, you'd see they're pretty relevant.

OP, are you receiving any counselling? I think it would help.

And please get legal advice about your house

Sushiroller · 29/12/2019 08:44

I'd like to be able to support him and talk about it or maybe he should see someone... But really even though it can be hard for him, it's me that bears the brunt of everything...

I don't think I've ever read such martyrish claptrap.
Hes an abusive arsehole - You've been told this repeatedly. You must know the fact the heating and water thing happened at all is batshit behaviour.

I'm unwatching this thread. But I'll leave you with some advice from my granny "The Lord helps those who help themselves".

Stop being a passanger in your own life: Help yourself.

Acheypelvis · 29/12/2019 08:51

Op yanbu. He has acted in a horrible way. However do you think maybe he needs counselling to help cope with your illness. Maybe you do to?
I grew up with my mum who had M.E. and it was so frustrating. She was a horrible person. But because she had M.E you couldn't say she was bad as she would play the disability card. I know this sounds horrible from me. But she was a selfish person and most parents I know who are I'll and very much so still try and do the basics for their kids! Not have 2 more with 2 other men and expect the first born to look after them whenever they are not at school! Or make sure we were adequately fed. She had energy to find a new partner to go on dates and carry through with pregnancies but used her illness to not bother with me.

I'm not saying you are doing this at all. But living with someone else who has an illness can be frustrating and relentless. There is only so much sympathy and empathy you can give. My aunty has a very sever disability and also means she can't have children and can be in bed for most of her daylight hours. Her husband is amazing. He is sympathetic enough but has a let's just get on with it attitude which helps her. If he spent all the time feeling sorry for her she would be in a heap of depression on top.

I think you need to see if either of you or both of you need councelling. And even though I know you are not well we have to kind of just get on with life as best as possible.

He needs to work on his tact though. Shouldn't be bitching about you. You need to have an honest convo with him about it and then decide if seperation is what works for you or not

Acheypelvis · 29/12/2019 08:52

I have just seen you have other threads. I haven't read them so my advice might be useless if it's not isolated to just this

CharlotteMD · 29/12/2019 09:01

Compassion fatigue : care givers and healthcare professionals can develop it over time, Police too. They are offered counselling but many take early retirement or switch roles. And if you're married property is a joint asset.

Fcukthisshit · 29/12/2019 09:20

I have UC too. I don’t think anyone can fully appreciate the pain and misery (and panic when you know a flare is coming) unless they’ve actually had it so I’d guess it’s ignorance on your DH (and his families part).

I don’t think you should leave him, but might be worth having a chat about how he can help when you get flare ups. Have the chat when you are well though - it’s less likely to turn emotional.

Hope you feel better soon op x

Stephminx · 29/12/2019 13:51

Based on the OP alone, I agree with @gingersausage. It’s not a competition to see who has it worse. Your illness can be awful for him to deal with as well as being awful for you.

However, it’s clear from other posts that while I don’t think this particular event is an issue, it’s clear there are other things which are and those may well impact on how you (and others commenting) view this event.

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