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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Morning vs Night person

90 replies

44PumpLane · 28/12/2019 09:04

I may be entirely unreasonable and happy to hear it but I am starting to find this one trait in my husband quite annoying and want to know if it's just me.

For context he's a wonderful man, does more than his fair share of cooking, cleaning, laundry, parenting.

He is not a morning person, according to him I am a morning person.

This means that when the kids (3 year old twins) wake at 6.30/7 he gets annoyed, which I think is unfair as that's a perfectly reasonable time for kids to wake.

If he gets up with them in a morning, when I finally come down (by about 9am fully dressed and ready), he will disappear off for ages to have a relaxing bath to recover from the ordeal of having been up so early.

Later in the day he may even require a nap as he's so tired- which irritates me.

He then can't sleep until late at night (modnight/1am etc) whereas I will go to bed by about 10pm.

Sometimes we argue and his point is that as I physically can go to bed early and sleep then I should and I can get up with the kids at 7, because even when I lie in I'm usually awake by 8am anyway.

My point is that sometimes I want to stay up late to have some child free time to myself and have a leisurely browse of my phone in the morning.

His constant "I'm tired" has annoyed me so much that I've been up with the kids every day over the Christmas hols as it just feels like the easier option, but AIBU to find this incredibly irritating? Or is this genuinely something that people are afflicted with?

OP posts:

Vulpine · 28/12/2019 09:08

I don't believe in morning and night people. Anyone can change their body clock to suit their lifestyle. When i had kids i started going to bed early and getting up early. He's taking the piss.

LittleReindeer · 28/12/2019 09:13

I totally believe there are morning and night people depending on your biological clock. I can get up at 6.30 if I have to, but I’ll be grumpy and exhausted all day and will need an afternoon nap. I struggle to sleep before midnight no matter how early I got up.

If my DC got up at 6.30 I’d be absolutely beside myself and would start adjusting bedtime to make them sleep till at least 8. If you’ve set bedtime to ensure they get up at a time that suits you then surely you should get up with them? Or if you want your DH to get up with them then adjust their sleeping time later to suit him.

Tumbleweed101 · 28/12/2019 09:13

I think people have a natural preference for morning/night. For example, I’m an evening person and find my 7am work starts and having to go bed a bit earlier a struggle at times but we all have to fit into what our life requires and adapt.

I’m off over the Xmas holidays and have fallen into my natural pattern of midnight bedtime and 8/9am wake up (rather than 5.30am get up and 10pm bedtime).

sunnyshowers · 28/12/2019 09:15

I ve twins and a dd so i TOTALLY get you.
Dh is a night person and i m defiantly a morning one.
Right now it seems lousey HOWEVER my twins are 1 and dd is 14 so over the holidays they stay up late...because dh stays up late i get to go to bed..
Swings and roundabouts but its bliss now

sunnyshowers · 28/12/2019 09:16

10 not 1

my2bundles · 28/12/2019 09:17

Littlereindeer the problem with that is children also have their own natural sleep patterns, it's not easy to make them change to suit us.

Tetran · 28/12/2019 09:17

@LittleReindeer you realise that doesn't work with children's sleep, right? My DH claims to be a night person, as was I before children. The difference is is that he is incredibly selfish and won't ever get up, whereas as an adult with responsibilities I do so the children aren't left crying and lying in their cot screaming. We all make changes when we have children, or should. Tell him to grow up.

BendingSpoons · 28/12/2019 09:18

DH is a night person. Pre children he would rarely be in bed before midnight, later if no work. He finds getting up in the morning hard. I am somewhere in the middle.

With one DC I would do most mornings as I can't really lie in and by the time DH was up I was wide awake. I would stay in bed one morning a week though and SH would always get up when asked. He was never great for the first couple of hours e.g. don't have a big conversation!

Now we have 2 DC, and baby DS is a rubbish sleeper. DH does nearly all mornings and has trained himself to cope better. He can also get to sleep a bit earlier, although still doesn't always find this easy. I have also trained myself to go to bed earlier, as my sleep is so disturbed. I do think it is possible to adjust your sleep patterns even if it is not your preferred rhythm. If he has an early morning he needs to just power through and then he can sleep earlier that night.

Cookit · 28/12/2019 09:18

Wow.

I do believe in morning and night people. Even prior to kids I have always been an absolute mess from about 10pm. Ideally I’d be in bed by 9. However, I wake up happily and easily and pre kids even I used to wake up an hour or two earlier than was necessary to enjoy listening to the radio and to do odd jobs.
Now with kids I practically go to bed with them. I am fine with the many (many!) night wakings and get up with them very early.
My DH does a lot of our cleaning up before he comes to bed, quite a lot later than me, so I tend to give him a lie in at weekends. But by a “lie in” I mean 8am. And if he needed a nap to cope with such an early wake up I’d be fuming.
He does a few extra hours in the late evening to me and I do the night shift and don’t complain at 5.30 if a child is wide awake. That’s kind of how the division of labour has fallen in our house.
Your example really doesn’t sound remotely fair.

ferrier · 28/12/2019 09:21

I'm a night person. I wouldn't be able to change that. It wouldn't stop me doing the early shift as required though.

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 28/12/2019 09:21

That’s us! Except my husband isn’t a night person either. Left to his own devices, at the weekend he’d get up at 9am and go to bed around 10pm. Left to my own devices I’d get up around 7.30 and go to bed around 11pm. He needs way more sleep than me. Our children, however get up any time after 5am. The older one stays in her room until 6am, the younger one (6) comes in to us. Today it was 5am, but then he fidgets and chats and generally makes noise, which really pisses my husband off. Some days I send him back to his room, sometimes I get up. Mostly we send them both downstairs to watch to tv (which they can operate themselves). I feel your pain. When they were younger it was sooo much worse. They were obviously a lot more demanding during the day, so I was generally more tired. When they got up, I got up. Like your DH, in the rare occasion that he got up early to sort them out by 9am he was ‘exhausted’ so went back to bed for 2 hours. If he didn’t go back to bed he was mr grumpy for the whole day. I remember feeding the ducks at our local
Park at 6am one morning because DH didn’t want them making noise and wanted his sleep. It was awful. Mostly I’ve stopped being resentful, because it doesn’t achieve anything, and things are much better now. DH resents that I just can’t have a lie in....even if we are away without DC I’m awake with the larks. I did chat to many mummy friends and you really aren’t alone.

TitchyP · 28/12/2019 09:22

I've just read a book called Why We Sleep and it said that there are definitely morning and evening people, and that society disadvantages evening people as work/school is set up for early starts. It's also proven that sleep deprivation (even by a couple of hours a night) can have all sorts of consequences for health.
Evening people can go to bed as early as they like but won't sleep until the early hours.
It's definitely a thing. A fascinating book!

AppropriateAdult · 28/12/2019 09:26

Do you actually have children, LittleReindeer? Because this isn’t always possible, for lots of reasons. Why on earth would you think it’s more reasonable (or more likely to be successful) to force multiple small children to change their natural sleep pattern, than for an adult to adjust theirs to suit the fact that they now have children they need to take equal responsibility for?

I’d be annoyed at this too, OP - nobody truly enjoys the 6:30 wake-ups, but he has children now and he needs to suck it up just as you do.

LizzieSiddal · 28/12/2019 09:26

He needs to do his bit without moaning. It doesn’t matter who’s a morning or evening person, it’s only fair that both of you get a lie in.

So tell him from now on you will ignore him every time he says he’s tired- don’t let it get to you, just change the conversation or leave the room.

Tetran · 28/12/2019 09:30

@TitchyP but if you're both night people, why is it invariably the woman who has to adapt and manages to cope for the sake of the children? DH works away during the week and manages to get up at 7am for work everyday without too much drama, at weekends he sleeps until about midday whilst I am expected to get up at 6am despite having been on my own all week doing every morning as well as working full time. DS is always asleep by 7pm, so he gets every evening to do as he pleases when he is actually here, yet sleeps until midday or whenever he pleases just because he is a 'night person' and I have to do everything. He needs to adapt, or make an effort to go to bed earlier rather than having a coffee at 10pm and then rolling in during the early hours.

Original poster

44PumpLane · 28/12/2019 09:32

LittleReindeer the children have a routine to fit into my weekly work schedule and they need to be up by 7.30 at the latest for me to get them out to nursery and then me to be able to get to work (I mostly do nursery run as nursery is 2 minutes from my workplace, DH does nursery runs when I'm in work early).

If we put them to bed late on a Friday night they won't lie in on Saturday, they'll wake up at normal time and be grumpy through the day and all I woiod have achieved is less quiet time on Friday night and grumpy kids on Saturday.

TitchyP thank you I will check out that book as it might help me feel less irritated by the whole thing.

Thank you for all the replies.... Its reassuring to know I'm not the only one who finds/would find this annoying.

I am longing for the days I can have them just turn on the TV and entertain themselves downstairs for an hour.... I don't need it to be a regular thing but just from time to time it would be nice!!

OP posts:

LittleReindeer · 28/12/2019 09:33

Do you actually have children, LittleReindeer?
Yep. Nobody in our house gets up until around 8am. At weekends it’s more like 9-10am. I can’t be doing with early starts, it’s unnatural.

my2bundles · 28/12/2019 09:35

Litylereindeer how are u going to manage on 8am starts when your kids start school?

Original poster

44PumpLane · 28/12/2019 09:35

Shoiod also add that up until this holiday we have always had 1 lie in each at a weekend as I'm no roll over when it comes to my sleep as I love my sleep!!

I just decided this holiday period that my life would be more pleasant this week if I just got up with the kids..... And its been fine. But lying in this morning just got me thinking about how much I do also enjoy my own lie in and made me annoyed about the napping and tiredness theatrics!!

Also... Its true.... I imagine it typically falls to the women to adjust their morning routines rather than the other way around!!!

OP posts:

LittleReindeer · 28/12/2019 09:37

If they don’t need to be up till 7.30 then why are they getting up at 6.30? It just seems unnecessary.

Piixxiiee · 28/12/2019 09:38

You are describing my life! My dh is very much a night person and me a morning person. Over Christmas apart from 1 morning I've got up- it's easier all round. He has to have naps and really is grumpy in the morning. When they were very little I did start to resent him. So I use to get up with them and take them out, make the most of the time I had them to myself. Then I'd go home mid morning wake him and if I'd had a bad night go back to sleep. No regrets on that special time together-he missed out and can now see that.
Make it work for you.
Today I put telly on gave snacks and went back to bed for an hour!

my2bundles · 28/12/2019 09:39

Litylereindeer as toddlers my kids natural wake up time was 5.30 nothing changed that untill they where ready to change that.

LittleReindeer · 28/12/2019 09:40

Litylereindeer how are u going to manage on 8am starts when your kids start school?
We might have to start getting up at 7.45. School doesn’t start till 9. That’s 15 minutes for breakfast, 30 minutes to get ready and 30 minutes to drive to school. Why would you need more than that?

SimonJT · 28/12/2019 09:41

I get up early, I am however not at all a morning person, my face resembles a slapped arse until I have been awake for about two hours.

In the week I have to get up at about 6am, I don’t get to sleep until around 12:30-1:00, same routine for years, zero change in when I actually fall asleep.

At the weekend the rule is that my son can get up whenever he wants, but he can’t come into my room/make lots of noise until 9am.

Tetran · 28/12/2019 09:42

Lmao with that getting ready for school post you're definitely pulling our legs.

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