To think that Health visitors are a certain annoying breed generally?

[Moomin8]

I've just had my 4th baby and the health visitor came the other day. I found her really annoying and rude. First of all she came walking into my living room in her dirty boots and got mud all over my newly cleaned carpet.

My youngest before dc4 is 10 years old and the HV said she was going to therefore talk to me as if I'd never actually had a baby she also wanted to look in my bedroom - I told her no.

Then I thought back to my older dc and their HVs and realised they are all pretty much the same whereas midwives, when they visit are really nice and helpful usually and don't speak to you as though you're an idiot. I'm a 39 year old university educated person and I find these people intrusive and annoying.

What is it with health visitors?

• thought that she must have been about 8 when my oldest dd was born. Hence, my feeling this is not an age issue...

Did anyone’s hv ask lots of questions about their husband? Mine asked a lot of personal questions about him which were none of her business. I found it really off-putting having a stranger come into my home and ask prying questions, especially at a time when I felt vulnerable after having a baby.

I couldn’t stand mine and opted out both times. The first one with my eldest DC lied about making important referrals for an entire year, therefore pointlessly holding up my sons SEN diagnosis. The second one turned up at my house and went straight upstairs and said my children having toys was a health risk and then threatened to report me to social services for not having my sons MMR booster jab (it was only four weeks late and was delayed because he wasn’t well). Waste of time and energy in my opinion.

@TulipsTulipsTulips
What sort of questions?

They seem suspicious of everything. Like I mentioned upthread, I casually/jokingly mentioned I was tired and this was noted in my red book. What new mum isn't tired? So second time around, I just told them everything was great...I mean I was absolutely fine, no major issues but I wouldn't show them any weakness as everything is eyed with suspicion.

Did anyone’s hv ask lots of questions about their husband? Mine asked a lot of personal questions about him which were none of her business. I found it really off-putting having a stranger come into my home and ask prying questions, especially at a time when I felt vulnerable after having a baby.

I think they like to check if there is any abuse??

Mine wanted me to book an appointment with her at a certain date where she would discuss this, that, the other, one thing being FGM?? I’m not sure if thats normal? Since it didn’t apply to me at all I thought it was very strange. I never did go to the appointment!

I worked alongside a team OF HVs for 5 years. One was absolutely brilliant, the other 3 were all bloody strange. 1 was terribly rude, always late and came across as uncaring, one had so many issues she just didn't have the headspace for anyone else's issues and the other was a raging snob who laughed at some parents name choices and turned up her nose if she had to visit less than desirable part of town. I strongly feel the money used to fund HVs could be more usefully spent elsewhere.

I had an amazing health visitor for my children, who visited a few times and was very supportive in a lovely way.

My eldest son has now been diagnosed with a medical condition that has similarities with physical abuse, and after suspicions were raised by medical staff, it was the fact that the health visitor knew us as parents and was able to vouch for us that allowed him to return home from hospital with us and not have to spend the weekend supervised in hospital while further investigations were made.

I have worked with quite a few health visitors and the general concept of the role is very worthwhile: highly trained public health professionals providing a universal service for all children aged birth to five. Unfortunately this doesn't always translate into real life. There is poor practice out there and some of the posts on this thread are shocking.

I think that I am correct in saying that there would still be a significant number of HV around who had the old State Registered Nurse training? This was only phased out in the 1990s when degree courses were introduced to transform nursing into an evidence-based approach. My understanding is that this training was far less academically rigorous (although perhaps better for ward nurses - my MIL describes a lot of bed-making!) and I suspect that some practitioners who qualified via that route don't have the skillset to give evidence-based information.

However, I do think that some new mothers are quick to jump to the assumption that a HV is being patronising when they share information/hand out leaflets - it is a universal service and the post-birth visit is the main point of contact for passing on this information. When else would this happen? It is easy to say 'I would look it up/go to my GP/go to clinic', but a lot of parents just don't do that or use unreliable sources. We all know that some of the guff that is written online is far from reliable, biased and sometimes downright dangerous - HV do need to give a clear, evidence-based message and it is better for a couple of mums to be a bit miffed that their baby's sleeping area has been checked than another baby suffer one of the awful sleep-related deaths that have occurred in the last few years :(.

And it's not exactly the HV fault if advice changes, and it doesn't make the advice wrong. GPs will prescribe differently for a given illness depending on the latest advice but nobody says "oh I think GPs are all useless".

I've had loads of contact with the local HVs with my 2nd child (for various sensible reasons. They've been helpful, knowledgeable and supportive, they liaised really effectively with the community nursing team we were under for 4 weeks. There was never any request to see where the baby would sleep, or to see my bedroom. Zero judgement for my house being a bit messy when they came, just support with breastfeeding etc.

I think it's luck of the draw.
When my daughter was first born we had a lovely health visitor, she stayed for over an hour on her first visit trying to help me with feeding and answering all my questions, and then when I went to the GP in crisis with PND and exhaustion he asked her to visit, she turned up when I was in my pyjamas at lunchtime, crying my eyes out while I tried to clean out cat litter trays with DD screaming in her bouncy chair because I just couldn't put her down without her screaming and I'd left them far too long, and she sat with me for two hours while I broke down and didn't make me feel judged at all. She arranged some really good support for me and was very realistic and empathetic.
Then when DD was about 6 months old we moved house, and were assigned a different health visitor. We didn't meet her for a few months and when she came I asked her advice about DD's sleep being terrible since we'd moved. She just told us she should have been in a routine by now and hopefully it would settle, and dismissed it, and then left without any mention of coming again so we thought that was it. Then a few weeks later she knocks on the door early on a Saturday morning, and said she'd been concerned about my mental health after her last visit because I'd got a bit upset while I was speaking to her (I did, being depressed and knackered), so she'd called by a couple of times and nobody had answered, so she was considering referring us to safeguarding! I was long since back at work at this point so nobody was in! Not helpful in the slightest.

health visitors are registered with the Nursing and Midwifery Council as nurses. Some are also midwives. Health visitors are educated to degree level. Many health visitors these days are young women.

The life of a health visitor is pretty grim and it tends to affect them. They become very suspicious, which may account for some of the problems outlined on this thread.

I had a family who had a 12 year old daughter who had a baby and was pregnant again. We suspected she was being abused by her father but she would never disclose what was going on.

I visited another family where the mother had learning difficulties and struggled to care for the baby. Another family I had to visit regularly were drug dealers. Their son was in prison for stabbing his cousin to death, in front of his young son. The senior male in the household told me that the son fucking deserved it.

Another family were paedophiles. Two brothers had been to prison but were out and busy grooming a mother with three young children.

A mother I had to visit once a week had two children. They had bought a puppy and the mother had thrown a kettle of water over it and held a cigarette lighter up to it's eye. She blamed the two year old for these horrible acts.

Another family had two children. They did have a baby but the mother had fallen asleep drunk and smothered it to death.

I had many families who were drug addicts and children. The children were usually open to child protection for neglect.

I could go on but I'm sure you get the idea

^ this is one of the most horrendous things I have ever read. It’s enough to make me ill.

Yet what I probably find more terrifying is that there’s some on here who believe these families should only call if they wanted a home visit and otherwise be left to their own devices if they don’t believe they need any input.
To avoid offending a few because their ‘Annoying breed’ health visitor handed out some leaflets and checked their babies sleeping area (Which could actually prevent a babies death even in a caring well meaning family). I think that makes me even more ill.

My point is why are health visitors doing these vital checks?? Maybe everyone should get a visit from a post natal social worker trained on 80

I don’t really care what the name of the professional is who checks up on new mums and precious newborns.
Just so long as someone does.
I think people would possibly take even worse to a social worker because of the connotations with child neglect/maltreatment and social workers.

I suspect all of these professionals are dammed if they do and dammed If they don’t.
Talk to a new mum about safe sleeping. Risk offending her because she’s university educated and able to research it.

Assume she already knows it, don’t mention it, and god forbid the worst happens.
Whatever they do someone will complain.
From what I’ve read on here, fair enough it sounds like some hvs can be rude, but no more than some teachers, gps and many other professionals can be rude/not great, and that should be taken up on an individual level.
But it sounds like a bloody horrible job and I’d bet many can’t win, and I’m really surprised so many people would rather put newborns at risk by no universal service, to avoid feeling slightly patronised.

Mine was horrendous. Asked me why I was still in my pyjamas 11am, said “no wonder you’re depressed when you don’t even get changed in a morning” ... complained that I had no toys visible and said it was concerning ... I shit myself and made a point of putting toys out next time she visited and she then said the toys on the floor was a trip hazard. I’d refuse their input in future

My MIL is one and told me that I was putting my child in harm by co-sleeping and wearing a wrap, she literally would tell me stories about dead babies when I had my tiny newborn in arms.
She also thinks the kids now will be sucked into escalators or abducted if I dont hold their hands for the entirety of a trip around sainsburys.

@Elfthaygotaway I agree with you

Those stories are harrowing especially the poor puppy I cannot stand animal abuse what an evil human being

The thing is with health visitors is that they're invaluable to the families (and children) that need them. There are also reasons for some of the "intrusive and patronising advice";

• wants to see the sleeping space? It's because even though safe sleeping in drummed into new parents, sometimes they get to the bedroom and theres still cot bumpers sleep positioners and velvet blankets present.

• warns you not to shake the baby? Baby deaths have occurred because of parents at the end of their tether who have snapped. Sometimes its helpful to k ow that it's a normal feeling to get frustrated and that it's ok to put baby down and walk away for a few seconds.

• tells you how to make formula? Some people still dont follow the guidelines. Some people put cereal in the bottle.

• talks about toddler safety when your newborn has barely been born? They'll be moving before you know it.

-asking about DV? Obvious.

Etc etc etc.

A health visitors job is to support families and to provide advice in order to allow families access to information to keep their children safe and as healthy as possible. Yes a large part of their role is safeguarding, but safeguarding isnt classist and just because you're middle class and live in a big house doesnt mean that you're not abusive or abused. Unfortunately noone signs a form to declare intent to put children at risk before they have them so its impossible to target vulnerability.

Health visitors also sign post and refer on where there are concerns (developmental, mental health, etc).

There are good and bad health visitors as with all professions.

When I was thinking of feeding solids to my baby, the hv told me not to give him any spicy food! Im Indian! I just glared at her in disbelief. She wrote it in my red book too. I told my mum and she joked that I should've acted disappointed at my fish curry going to waste! 🙄🤣🤣 . Stupid bitch! As if I would.

IIRC We had 2 visits from a HV after DC1. Visit 1 was super brief (I was mowing the lawn while BF). Visit 2 was with DH as I had gone back to work at 3 weeks. Didn’t bother with HVs for DCs 2-4. HVs were perfectly pleasant but we weren’t a priority as we didn’t want / need help.

I find the house inspection thing after having a baby so intrusive. Probably the worst time for someone like that to come noseying around your home.

The ones I've seen have all been pleasant and supportive as were the community nursery nurses who run the weighing clinic. Some of the information was a bit patronising but on the other hand I can see why they have to share information in a very box ticking way.

Mixed experience here. With ds1 HV was meant to ring me a week later as I was borderline pnd. 13.5 years later still waiting for the call (and yes I did have pnd). With ds2 HV she was great when he had brocholitis got me sorted out with doc/hospital etc - a huge relief.
I think like all public services they are over stretched and end up providing a pretty minimal service. I think in my area their efforts are mainly focused on conplex/in need cases.

I'm not sure why it would be taken as patronising to be given leaflets about safe sleep, breastfeeding etc. Surely it's obvious that they have a set of standard info to run through with everybody, so you take it and say thanks. What's the issue?