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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think underwear as a gift when dating is as much/more for the giver?

75 replies

Yoshimi2019 · 27/12/2019 08:00

I think that is worded badly! But you get the gist.

Sexy underwear as a present in a dating relationship. I'm a bit pah! about it. I'm not young, I like underwear to be comfortable, i have a lifetime of experience of choosing underwear to know what i like.

I'm not bothered in terms of getting a good present. Any/no gift would have been fine.

Am i being no fun?!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 27/12/2019 08:04

Depends on the nature of your relationship I suppose Wink, my DH gave me ‘lingerie’ once, he could see by my reaction that I was not impressed and never did it again. Grin.

SubordinateThatClause · 27/12/2019 08:13

Underwear given when dating is a conditional gift i.e. I'm giving you this because I want to see you in it. All a bit Envy really.

crosspelican · 27/12/2019 08:15

There are a couple of “sexy” lingerie shops in our local big shopping centre & every year you see guys coming out on Christmas Eve with their shopping looking pleased as punch with themselves. Because what woman WOULDN’T want a wispy red polyester thong & suspenders with Santa’s reindeer sewn on?

Not least because there is a Calvin Klein underwear 5 doors down where they could get their girlfriends something super comfortable in nice colours and faintly trendy too. Hmm

I think sexy underwear is a rubbish gift.

Although turn up with 5 comfy, well-fitting bras & matching big knickers and I’m yours for life!

ChristmassySpice · 27/12/2019 08:17

Yep. Totally all about the giver and what they want.

What have you actually said in response? Sounds like it's making you think a little differently about the person.

Justasconfusedwithnumber2 · 27/12/2019 08:18

Urgh. My husband did this when we were dating. Once. Like PP my facial expression said it all. Fast forward 18 years and I now get slipper socks and PJs Grin

OceanSunFish · 27/12/2019 08:19

I think a carefully chosen set of beautiful underwear which combines comfort with sexiness would be a nice present. But anything tacky (red satin etc) is a definite no from me Xmas Envy

QuarterPastMidnight · 27/12/2019 08:19

Ugh someone I was dating gave me some sexy undies for my birthday once.
He presented them to me in front of my family at my birthday meal!!

I ended it after that. How cringey.

PositiveVibez · 27/12/2019 08:20

I think it's a bit pervy.

Purplewithred · 27/12/2019 08:22

Yup. XDH gave me sexy underwear every birthday and every christmas. But then he didn’t really see me as an actual human being.

That said, in the early shagfastic days of a new relationship I think it’s slightly more acceptable.

MakeItRain · 27/12/2019 08:25

Ugh, I got an awful red and black satin corset type thing once from my exh. He was very put out that I didn't like it or want to wear it. It was revolting. Glad he's an ex now. That gift was absolutely a gift to himself.

AuntieStella · 27/12/2019 08:25

It's the sort of gift I wouid expect between those aged under about 21, when access to each other's underwear is new and exciting.

After that, it should be underwear that will please the recipient (i'like Shock Absorber and Runderwear please, plus Stance socks)

Or sex toys, and of course then it is an intention of sharing 'here's something extra for us' - a separate gift, or a stocking filler. Not the main one for one person to the other,

Original poster
Yoshimi2019 · 27/12/2019 08:27

Depends on the nature of your relationship I suppose one based on....I need to take it slowly, i feel unsure especially about sex but i really enjoy spending time with you! All directly communicated not so long ago.

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/12/2019 08:30

Given the info in your update that gift was definitely a poor choice!

Ceejly · 27/12/2019 08:33

I buy lingerie as a gift for my DP lol, it is defo a gift for him and not for me.

ChristmassySpice · 27/12/2019 08:41

Reading your update, they haven't listened to you and are being selfish. Are they selfish or pushy in other ways? It would probably make me take a huge step back.

BarchesterTowers · 27/12/2019 08:49

Literally just opened my last present from DH, sexy underwear. I’m 50, menopausal, finding sex awkward, we’re having a Christmas hosting dozens of his extended family in awful circumstances due to a death in the family.

Cue ‘just wanted you to know I still fancy you’. He wants more, better sex like we use to have. I tried to look happy with the gift as he’s going through a shit time and trying really hard. but my face wasn’t having it.

Aaaasrgh.

Bingcankissmyass · 27/12/2019 08:53

@AuntieStella I got sex toys in my stocking (as well as sexy undies) and weve been married 10 years, together 20+ (but i've lost 3 stone since june so kinda got my 'mojo' back Xmas Grin) I had to open my stocking whilst the DC were downstairs stuffing their faces with chocolate eating breakfast Xmas Grin

MaryPopppins · 27/12/2019 08:55

Yes totally.

For DHs birthday I bought myself the underwear for him to unwrap.

He's never buy the right size bra so was a better plan.

He was very happy with that as a gift.

Original poster
Yoshimi2019 · 27/12/2019 08:56

There are in fairness mitigating circumstances that would just involve a lot of detail but yes ChristmassySpice I don't feel like he hears me sometimes.

BarchesterTowers that sounds tough. Menopause sounds tough. Flowers

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 27/12/2019 08:58

Op, given your last update , maybe he was trying to say he fancies you, in a clumsy way. That’s great car scenario, Our it could be “ get a move on, I want some action”

NameChangeNugget · 27/12/2019 09:02

I think he’s actually reaching out an olive branch here. Personally, his heart was in the right place.

I like to choose underwear with my DH. I feel sexier in it and it intensifies things for us both.

Flowerballs · 27/12/2019 09:02

Presents are a form of control.

Namestranger · 27/12/2019 09:03

I have a whole drawer of AP undies (hate to think how much it all cost!). I wear the same 10 plain black pants on rotation. Sorry DP! Tbf once I explained to him that wearing the tiny wisps he had bought for work would result in a whole day of discomfort and/or a yeast infection I think he understood. We mostly DTD in the morning at the weekends anyway so I feel far too rumpled and unshowered to hop out of bed and dig out the sexy lingerie!

thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2019 09:03

Tacky, selfish and awful.

Basically buying it is code for: “my sex drive takes precedence over your needs”.

Think it would be a dealbreaker for me.

EenieMeenieHalloweenie · 27/12/2019 09:09

A dealbreaker? As in you'd leave someone if they bought you nice undies?

Married 6yrs, together 13, DH just bought me nice lingerie for the first time ever, I showed him the sort of thing I'd like and he picked something for Christmas. It's put a bit of sizzle back into our relationship- as in we're not just Mum and Dad but a couple ourselves too.

Each to their own I guess.