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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think underwear as a gift when dating is as much/more for the giver?

75 replies

Yoshimi2019 · 27/12/2019 08:00

I think that is worded badly! But you get the gist.

Sexy underwear as a present in a dating relationship. I'm a bit pah! about it. I'm not young, I like underwear to be comfortable, i have a lifetime of experience of choosing underwear to know what i like.

I'm not bothered in terms of getting a good present. Any/no gift would have been fine.

Am i being no fun?!

OP posts:
Weffiepops · 27/12/2019 09:20

If the sex is hot, then it's for both of you.

Bufferingkisses · 27/12/2019 09:45

Like anything it is totally individual. We love certain types of undies/accessories and so it's fine in our relationship but that doesn't mean it's ok in someone else's. OP, worryingly you say you feel he doesn't hear you sometimes. That would be a red flag for me.

Original poster
Yoshimi2019 · 27/12/2019 09:47

I don't see it as controlling but possibly him just not quite getting where I am at.
And being a man.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 27/12/2019 09:48

It's usually.so the woman's body is dressed up nicely for the man's penis.

Dipsydoodle · 27/12/2019 09:50

I got some sexy underwear from DH the first year we were together. Eight years (and a couple of stone) later he knows I now prefer some comfy pants instead Grin I did like them at the time though

Whatsername177 · 27/12/2019 09:54

Every time dh buys me underwear (which is rare) it is a gift for him, we both know this and I really don't mind. I wear plain bras in black or white a plain M&S boy short style pants - always in black. I'm 36, I've been married 10 years and I have two kids. I'm happiest in my comfy pants and lounge wear (pjs that look slightly more respectable). Occasionally, I will put the underwear on and let him enjoy it, but 99% of the time, he gets me in my Pjs. 😁

CosmoK · 27/12/2019 09:59

It really depends on your relationship. Me and Dh have a very sexual relationship so buy each other underwear every year. However, it's never our 'main' present.

Lweji · 27/12/2019 10:02

Wait... Not even had sex yet and he's giving you sexy underwear?
LTB.

If you're on a give me time relationship, sexy (or any) underwear is the last gift you want.
And he doesn't quite listen to you?
I'd be ending it well before Valentines day - you might get handcuffs or a dildo, FGS.

BreatheAndFocus · 27/12/2019 10:04

Bearing in mind your update, I think it’s quite an insulting present, OP. Like he’s decided there must be ‘something wrong with you’ that needs fixing - rather than him respecting your wishes.

“Hey! Got no sex drive? [because that’s clearly the problem if you don’t want to leap into bed with me] These tacky knickers will rev you up a bit!”

Maybe I’m being unfair and he has different motives, but it made me feel a bit bleurghh.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2019 10:11

It's very odd that you aren't in a sexual relationship but he's given you underwear.

I'm happy to receive underwear as a gift. If it leads to great sex then it's for both of us. But a random gift, not birthday or Christmas.

LaMarschallin · 27/12/2019 10:13

In the circumstances you describe, it does sound like he's suggesting you move things on faster than you'd like. And a bit cliched.

I don't think underwear per se is a bad thing. My ex and my current partner have both given me undies but have acknowledged it's a present for them. So I get other gifts too.

And if seeing my no-longer-young, scantily clad body is a like having a present for someone I'm in a relationship with... well, I feel good about that.

girlygirl98 · 27/12/2019 10:29

I don't mind it. It's nice to get something else too though that's more for me. My husband bought lingerie, perfume, makeup and jewellery when we were dating so I knew he was trying to cover all bases. My first husband bought me a watch our first Christmas. Bit boring and that sort of summed up the whole relationship. It can be a good gauge to how they see you, the relationship and the kind of man you have. What you do with that information is up to you

northernknickers · 27/12/2019 10:43

My ex husband bought me an iron the first year we were married (our iron had recently broken so he thought I'd be happy with this exciting gift!!!) and a foot spa thing the second year (because I complained so much about the iron!!). He really, really didn't get it 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Year 3 I got an electric sandwich maker (again, because I complained about the foot spa, and apparently he remembered that I loved the toasted sandwiches we'd had on holiday in the summer 😣!). I had to spell it out clearer...'nothing with a plug' and the following year I got a glass vase 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️. We were divorced before there was a 'year 5'.

I dread to think what I'd have got if we'd still been together though...season ticket to Leeds United maybe?

Hopoindown31 · 27/12/2019 11:17

Some interesting and quite extreme response to lingerie on here. No better way to snuff out your DH's view of you as a sexual being by being shitty to him about such gifts. I guess that is the intention.

As for OP, I'm not sure be sure it sounds like your relationship is complicated. Of course you have the right to take it at the speed that is right for you, but so does he and if they don't align then the relationship will end. If the relationship has been going on for sometime and is still not sexual despite you both being sexual then it suggests you aren't ready for a relationship yet.

PapayaCoconut · 27/12/2019 11:17

Yes. I do think that the kind of "underwear" men buy as gifts are a poorly veiled demand for man-pleasing, pornified sex. Nobody wears that ugly cheap-looking polyester lace shit outside the bedroom. That's fine if you're both into it, but it's pretty arrogant to assume you'll be thrilled.

PapayaCoconut · 27/12/2019 11:21

Some interesting and quite extreme response to lingerie on here.

You have a point. My ex used to go to Ann Summers rather than Agent Provocateur. There's a bit of a difference there, in my opinion.

InsertFunnyUsername · 27/12/2019 11:22

Yes and No. If DP got me whips and chains and a latex nurse outfit, that would be for his pleasure. Thankfully he knows that's not my thing.

However a set from my favourite shop always goes down well. More of a Lacey bra and thong set. They are expensive, but he knows I like them. Obviously he still will get pleasure from it, but they're something I buy myself and show off proudly to him Blush

Hopoindown31 · 27/12/2019 11:37

You have a point. My ex used to go to Ann Summers rather than Agent Provocateur. There's a bit of a difference there, in my opinion.

Possibly, depends what it is and how it is used doesn't it? To assume that lingerie is just for 'his' pleasure as a blanket statement even if it is only applied to certain shops says more about the state of a particular relationship and individual than it does about the items in many cases.

Clearly there are men out there that treat women badly and view women as sex objects and if you are in a relationship with such a man then you have my sympathy, but the way some people on here have shot down their partners for daring to buy them lingerie is pretty hostile and cold. I bet they'd be pretty fucked off if treated in such a way.

I've really struggled with my libido in the past, but I don't think I was even so brazenly confident in shaming my partner for having a libido and viewing me as a sexual being.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 27/12/2019 11:45

DH bought me underwear at Christmas, my preferred brand and style and the right size. He'd looked at the labels to check size and took a picture of my favourite set so knew what he was looking for, pretty sure he probably enlisted the help of one of the shop staff too, but I got what I like. If he'd bought me what he likes I just wouldn't wear it and if it was Anne summers polyester he'd be taking it back

Honeybee85 · 27/12/2019 11:49

Depends.
DH bought me a silk negligee for my birthday and I genuinely love it.

But would not be impressed if he bought me a polyester see trough thong.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 27/12/2019 11:50

Of course, but I really love what my new BF bought me.

sofato5miles · 27/12/2019 11:50

My new boyfriend shared that he likes red underwear, so I went out and bought some. Because I like sex and like to do something for him. He definitely reciprocates in other ways.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/12/2019 11:52

Sorry Honeybee85. but that is a cracking fail... I am still laughing at a 'see trough thong'...you can most certainly see my trough when I wear a thong...

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/12/2019 11:53

In 37 years of marriage, dh has never bought me anything remotely like that. Tell a lie, on our first anniversary, but I was there and had been admiring it. (Oh for the days of being able to wear a size 12 corset)

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 27/12/2019 11:54

AuntieStella access to each other's underwear is still new and exciting here, as, although we've been best friends forever, we only took the next step just before Christmas. I'm 52 and he's 29. I don't think age has much to do with it, more how long you've been together.

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