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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my friendship been broken?

75 replies

Lolli26 · 27/12/2019 07:09

Hi, I’ve come here looking for advice and a bit of help.

A little backstory: I hadn’t been well for a while due to the dreaded sickness bug and flu going around, I picked up both and really suffered. I got better thank goodness, met up with some friends to go to a concert at the beginning of December of a band we all really liked, and then around mid-December, I suffered a mini-stroke.

I was rushed to hospital and as you can imagine, it was a really terrifying and stressful time. I had tests done and was kept in for observation and when I showed signs that I was doing better, I was released. I went home to recover and as I have anxiety, I really struggled to keep that under control as I couldn’t help but fear the worst.

I still live at home with my parents, and my mum messaged everyone to notify them of what had happened. My siblings and friends, mostly.

My friends and I all live relatively close by and our families know each other well. We’ve been friends for 10 years now, and despite going to school with each other, it was only when we went to college that we found we had a lot in common.

Two weeks go by, and I hadn’t received a message from my friends. So I sent them a message letting them know even though my mum had sent them a message notifying them about what had happened. She said she didn’t get any message back. I’ve seen the messages she sent so I know they’ve been delivered to them.

Friend 2 sent a message back straight away showing some concern but told me that I should’ve told them as soon as it happened. I told her that my mum had sent them a message but neither of them replied. Friend 2 then went silent. A few hours later Friend 1 went in on me, pretty much assassinating me verbally by saying that I obviously didn’t care about them enough to let them know, and I had to repeat that my mum had sent messages to them and sent them a screenshot of them. Not once did they ask me if I was okay or show any concern, just anger towards them not being told even though I had evidence to say they had been sent messages. Her responses that followed really upset me as I was made out to be the bad guy and how I obviously didn’t care about them enough to tell them myself, not once mentioning the screenshots. Her words and anger sent me into a panic attack and I felt like I couldn’t stop apologising even though I didn’t do anything wrong. She said that it only takes 20 seconds to send a message but I had to repeat a third time that my mum did send them a message.

Friend 1 then said that in those two weeks, I should’ve told them what had happened but there was nothing but silence, completely dismissing my responses. I then countered that by saying that in those two weeks, if they noticed my silence then they at least could’ve check in on me and see if I was okay.

She then apologised but I didn’t respond as I was so hurt. I messaged back a few hours later saying that I was sorry too but hopefully they saw my side. Friend 2 never responded. That was on the 21st Dec. On Christmas Day I sent them a message wishing them a Merry Christmas and asked if either of them were free to meet up in between Christmas and New Year which we usually do, hoping that would mend the bridge. I didn’t receive anything from either of them all day which I understood as it was Christmas Day, but Friend 1 sent a message in the evening wishing me a Merry Christmas but said she was working up until New Year. Friend 2 saw it but didn’t reply.

Since then however, my message has been ignored despite them being all over social media.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. I’m trying. I understand I should’ve messaged them myself, but I was trying to recover and dealing with so much anxiety, and I knew my mum had messaged them.

AIBU to send them a message asking them if I’ve offended them or do I leave it? I’m still hurt that neither of them have checked in to see how I am, I thought we were really close. I’ve always been there for them through everything and I don’t feel supported by them at all especially when I really need their support at the moment. I have social anxiety and they’re my only friends and I’m scared of losing them but I know I deserve better than this.

OP posts:
Oopsypoopsy2020 · 27/12/2019 07:15

They are both fare weather (not sure if that’s the right fare/fair) I hope you have had more support from family and are recovering well!

FredaFrogspawn · 27/12/2019 07:16

I really wouldn’t call them friends anymore. They have let you down badly when you were ill.

How are you now?

LittleCandle · 27/12/2019 07:17

Some friends aren't really friends, and if you've been doing all the running, they don't see the need to do it. I would forget about them. They are not your friends.

I hope you're feeling much better now.

makingmammaries · 27/12/2019 07:18

They don’t sound like good friends, making it all about them when you are ill. Focus on your recovery and give them less head space.

ellesbellesxxx · 27/12/2019 07:20

Believe me, you have done nothing wrong! A good friend would have messaged after your mum’s message to ask after you and see what they could do.
Hope you feel better soon x

richtea12 · 27/12/2019 07:26

These people are not your friends

AlaskanOilBaron · 27/12/2019 07:31

Jesus, so they're upset because you didn't text them personally? Really?

How old are you all, do you mind me asking?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/12/2019 07:34

They are horrible and not your true friends! Real friends, even if they hadn’t received the first message, would have been full of concern for you and want to help, not snipe at you for not being in touch. Drop ‘em. They aren’t worth shit on your shoe.

BarryTheKestrel · 27/12/2019 07:35

You had a mini stroke. You have done nothing wrong. They are awful friends. They were informed about your condition, noticed your absence and did absolutely nothing about it until you contacted them, then they shouted at you. They are NOT your friends.

If you were my friend i would have replied to your mums message, sent you a message, come to visit, picked up shopping, whatever was needed. In short, i would have been concerned and offered help and support as that is what friends do.

Once you're recovered and feeling tiptop again I recommend finding some new friends!

AlaskanOilBaron · 27/12/2019 07:35

They sound like insane drama llamas.

puds11 · 27/12/2019 07:38

Your friends are hideous. I wouldn’t bother with them any more. How you be angry and abusive to someone in recovery I don’t know. You don’t need people like that in your life.

hazell42 · 27/12/2019 07:38

How did your num send them a message?
If, for example, she sent it via messenger and she is not a fb friend, they may not have got a notification.
And you seem to be being incredibly dramatic. While a mini stroke is certainly something you need to be concerned about long term, I don't really think that it is yet time to gather friends and family round your bedside.
Perhaps your anxiety is sending your mind into overdrive

Myheadisamess31 · 27/12/2019 07:40

This is so sad. I hope you are recovering well. I can completely understand why your anxiety must of gone through the roof after dealing with that.

You definitely deserve better friends. If it's playing on your mind a lot which it sounds like it is then message them but please don't apologise to them anymore they are the ones that should be apologising to you Flowers

custardlover · 27/12/2019 07:40

They are dickheads.

KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2019 07:42

Two weeks go by, and I hadn’t received a message from my friends.

Once the were well enough, why did you not message your friends yourself? It sounds like you were waiting for them to contact you, like you were trying to measure their concern for you or something.

WanderingAimlessly · 27/12/2019 07:45

What custardlover said

snapcrap · 27/12/2019 07:49

Firstly I'm sorry you've been so ill and the anxiety will have made it even worse. I wish you all the best and hope you get stronger, healthier and happier soon.

As for advice. I imagine your friends would have a very different story and there is a lot of back story. Whether it's that they think you always back out of things or are a bit flaky, letting them down last minute, calling off sick and this has coloured their view of the situation. Or they simply don't think of you as a close friend anymore. Or the messages from your mum somehow came accross oddly??? I don't know.

None of these things would make it ok not to be kind to you at this time.

KaptainKaveman · 27/12/2019 07:59

Why do people not just make a phone call and talk directly? what is the point of this endless back-and-forthing of texts and so on?

AzraiL · 27/12/2019 07:59

They're idiots. Which person in their right mind is notified that their friend suffered a mini-stroke and then sits there and does nothing? I think the whole 'if you cared about us you would have told us' BS is an attempt to draw your attention away and distract you from how shitty they are as friends and people.

surlycurly · 27/12/2019 08:02

What a shit situation for you. I'm sorry you've been so poorly- and I'm sorry you've discovered that these people are fake friends. Serious illnesses tend to do this- you really learn who will make time for you and who won't. I'm sure you'll make a full recovery but I think you should leave these friends behind; they're not even being gracious enough to worry about how you are now they have heard from you. That's not a real friendship.

Whiskers14 · 27/12/2019 08:06

You had a mini stroke and they're complaining that you didn't make it all about them – what a vile bunch of "friends" you have, OP. Stop messaging them and chasing them and concentrate on your recovery. When you're feeling better and ready to embrace your second lease of life, think about taking up new hobbies where you'll meet much nicer people than these two bitches.

happytoday73 · 27/12/2019 08:09

You had a mini stroke. They were told you had but chose not to contact you.
Friends celebrate each others success and happiness and step up for each other in bad times. They didn't... They aren't good friends.
Please don't apologise again... Suggest a couple more meet ups... Don't chase. Find new friends

StealthMama · 27/12/2019 08:10

@hazell42 she's not being incredibly dramatic at all? A stroke, mini or otherwise in your twenties is far from normal. Where was she rallying round her bedside she exactly? She was in hospital so her mum text, simple.

Op I would leave them to it for while to be honest. Appreciate your social anxiety but you don't really need friends like that.

redcarbluecar · 27/12/2019 08:18

This is weird, especially the part where they didn’t acknowledge that your mum had sent a message. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and hope you’re recovering well from your illness, but (based on what you’ve said), I don’t think you should send them any more messages for now.

Redken24 · 27/12/2019 08:18

Maybe my friends are different but I can't imagine if any of them had something like that happen would we be punishing them for not telling us. I have known them a long time and a 2 week silence would be unusual but not unheard off, university, work, etc. Sorry about your illness, but ditch these crap friends

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