Has my friendship been broken?

[Lolli26]

Hi, I’ve come here looking for advice and a bit of help.

A little backstory: I hadn’t been well for a while due to the dreaded sickness bug and flu going around, I picked up both and really suffered. I got better thank goodness, met up with some friends to go to a concert at the beginning of December of a band we all really liked, and then around mid-December, I suffered a mini-stroke.

I was rushed to hospital and as you can imagine, it was a really terrifying and stressful time. I had tests done and was kept in for observation and when I showed signs that I was doing better, I was released. I went home to recover and as I have anxiety, I really struggled to keep that under control as I couldn’t help but fear the worst.

I still live at home with my parents, and my mum messaged everyone to notify them of what had happened. My siblings and friends, mostly.

My friends and I all live relatively close by and our families know each other well. We’ve been friends for 10 years now, and despite going to school with each other, it was only when we went to college that we found we had a lot in common.

Two weeks go by, and I hadn’t received a message from my friends. So I sent them a message letting them know even though my mum had sent them a message notifying them about what had happened. She said she didn’t get any message back. I’ve seen the messages she sent so I know they’ve been delivered to them.

Friend 2 sent a message back straight away showing some concern but told me that I should’ve told them as soon as it happened. I told her that my mum had sent them a message but neither of them replied. Friend 2 then went silent. A few hours later Friend 1 went in on me, pretty much assassinating me verbally by saying that I obviously didn’t care about them enough to let them know, and I had to repeat that my mum had sent messages to them and sent them a screenshot of them. Not once did they ask me if I was okay or show any concern, just anger towards them not being told even though I had evidence to say they had been sent messages. Her responses that followed really upset me as I was made out to be the bad guy and how I obviously didn’t care about them enough to tell them myself, not once mentioning the screenshots. Her words and anger sent me into a panic attack and I felt like I couldn’t stop apologising even though I didn’t do anything wrong. She said that it only takes 20 seconds to send a message but I had to repeat a third time that my mum did send them a message.

Friend 1 then said that in those two weeks, I should’ve told them what had happened but there was nothing but silence, completely dismissing my responses. I then countered that by saying that in those two weeks, if they noticed my silence then they at least could’ve check in on me and see if I was okay.

She then apologised but I didn’t respond as I was so hurt. I messaged back a few hours later saying that I was sorry too but hopefully they saw my side. Friend 2 never responded. That was on the 21st Dec. On Christmas Day I sent them a message wishing them a Merry Christmas and asked if either of them were free to meet up in between Christmas and New Year which we usually do, hoping that would mend the bridge. I didn’t receive anything from either of them all day which I understood as it was Christmas Day, but Friend 1 sent a message in the evening wishing me a Merry Christmas but said she was working up until New Year. Friend 2 saw it but didn’t reply.

Since then however, my message has been ignored despite them being all over social media.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. I’m trying. I understand I should’ve messaged them myself, but I was trying to recover and dealing with so much anxiety, and I knew my mum had messaged them.

AIBU to send them a message asking them if I’ve offended them or do I leave it? I’m still hurt that neither of them have checked in to see how I am, I thought we were really close. I’ve always been there for them through everything and I don’t feel supported by them at all especially when I really need their support at the moment. I have social anxiety and they’re my only friends and I’m scared of losing them but I know I deserve better than this.

It could an excuse to get rid of you from the friendship group.
It's all rather painful to get through. But hope you find new support.

Sorry darling but these are not your friends. Not sure what they are. Toxic that's for sure. Please do not ever contact them again.

Find new ones. Are you still at college? Will you be able to return after Xmas break?

After a TIA your mind isn't completely your own. You are unlikely to have been able to focus on other people's welfare let alone your own.
So letting your friends know you're well/where you have been is not your priority.
Your mum kindly informed a few of your family friends but I'm suprised her message didn't start "two weeks and you're not banging on my door wondering where your friend is because you haven't heard from her?! I'm disgusted in your lack of concern for my daughter, fortunately she's (finally) safe and we'll following a serious condition. If you can possibly stretch to messaging her, she's home now"
I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful and frightening illness and I wish you well.
When you're back on your feet I suggest you go low contact with these people, they are not interested in anyone but themselves.

These "friends" are not doing your anxiety any good, I know it is hard but I would go silent on them, the one who verbally berated you sounds absolutely awful! You do not owe anyone an apology.

I had a TIA November 2018 and as @Savingshoes has said, your mind isn't your own after this, you wonder what the hell has happened and worry it's going to happen again.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to stop stressing over them (easier said than done I know). You really don't need this at the moment. If they had any level of understanding about what you have been through, they would be ashamed of themselves (or should be). Just over 12 months on from mine, I do think back and wonder about what occurred that day.

Please think of yourself in all this, you've been through a lot.

You did nothing wrong, they are not your friends. I would never contact them or talk to them anymore. just concentrate on yourself. You’ll find real friends who are nice and supportive.

I'm shocked at what awful friends they are, and how desperate you are to hang on to them. Please take the advice of pp's and concentrate on finding new friends now.

These people are not friends, and whether you realise it or not are probably making your social anxiety worse - you certainly shouldn't be feeling the way you do about this situation.

Some friends are just not worth it. Don’t give them another thought. I had to let go of a friend that I adored and thought the world of but to her I was just a meh friend.

They are absolute fucking wankers. They have the empathy and kindness of a Glastonbury toilet five days in. Drop them and be glad you’re free of people who could behave like that to anyone.

Get well soon

Hi OP,
I noticed you mentioned that you normally meet up with your friends between Christmas and New year. That comment made me think that these people are old school friends that you meet up with a couple of times a year (probably max 4 times). Lots of people have friends of this type - I know I do - and they are important to me - but a long time can go by without seeing each other or being in touch.

With my old school friends a lot can happen between us seeing each other including life events like job changes/illness/babies born, even wedding photos to catch up on when we see each other (wedding abroad/out of our budget). (Although I do live in a different city from my old class mates for context) all of us now have jobs/families that prevent us meeting up easily and our lives are not intertwined on a daily basis. Despite living in a different city I am surprised sometimes that the ones (old school mates) that live in the same village often haven't seen each other between our organised meet ups.

Anyway the point I would like to make is if this is the setting for your friendship group (?) then I would be a bit "put out" if I felt I was "told off" for not being there/stepping up for one of these friends in a crises. I have people I see and chat with day to day, meet up with regularly (for me school run and playdates), help if they are stuck for childcare and ask for the same and these are the people that I would be asking what can I do? if they were ill- like shopping/having the kids etc. It's not because I care about them more just the dynamic of people I only see a very few times a year I wouldn't expect to be involved in the practicalities. In fact an old school mate has had an ill child (on going serious illness) and I haven't been involved outside of a few supportive texts - although I do care. I agree you friends should have been supportive in their texts but are perhaps defensive if your expectations of them are not in keeping with their own.

Only you understand the dynamic of your friendships but if these friends are the "we meet up once a year but it's like we've never been apart" type then I think you may be unreasonable to expect them to rally when you are ill without telling them specifically what you need from them as this doesn't fit the dynamic of the friendship. If you don't have "day to day mates" to call on then that is something to work on if you want them but it seems a shame to fall out with long-standing friends for not acting like "day to day friends" in my opinion. Especially if you would like more friends not less.

I wonder if your anxiety means you are introverted and keep people at arms length/don't want to see people day to day but this illness has made you reflect on who is "there for you" in times of need.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me, it means a lot! Thank you all for your kind words and well wishes. I’m doing a lot better, still taking it day by day and trying not to get too stressed about things out of my control.

It’s definitely been sobering reading your words and I think this whole situation has been eye opening to say the least!

@AlaskanOilBaron: We’re all 26 and I truly believed we were all over the drama tbh. It seems they aren’t as this is usually the norm for them. We knew each other at school but only became friends at college so it’s frustrating that we can’t have a mature friendship.

@BarryTheKestrel: Thank you so much! Your friends are very lucky to have you in their life!

@hazell42: My mum sent the message via Facebook messenger as they’re more active on there. They’re not the types of people to answer their phone, ever. They and my mum usually speak via Messenger and it just seems weird that of all the messages that they claim they didn’t receive, it was that one. I don’t think I’m being dramatic at all, I just expect my friends or who I thought were my friends to be there for me like I am for them.

@KatherineJaneway: I was still recovering and my mum messaged them herself because she wanted to keep them up to date. I wasn’t waiting for them to message me, I was preoccupied with trying to get better.

@snapcrap: Despite my social anxiety, I’ve always strived to not be flaky with them. I’ve always been comfortable with them and enjoyed their company. There have been many times when they’ve excluded me from things because they’ve said my social anxiety would get in the way of them having fun.

@KaptainKaveman: They never answer their phone. My mum did try and ring them but got no answer from either of them.

@StealthMama: Thank you! I’m grateful to my mum for messaging everyone when it must’ve been terrifying for her as well.

@thecatfromjapan: They haven’t always been like this. We’ve definitely had our ups and downs during the years but it’s usually them against me, always. It’s only recently that things have started changing due to personal reasons in their lives. I don’t push people away, I do feel the need to please other people and I’m definitely working on that.

I had a concussion at the start of the year and they believe it could be linked to that but want to do more tests. When I was in hospital with a concussion, I let them know when I was in A&E and they never asked how I was. But I’m generally quite healthy, I exercise regularly and have been quite sporty throughout my life and I eat healthy so this was a complete shock. I do think it could be linked to my anxiety as well.

@Mummyoflittledragon: Thank you! My eyes have definitely been opened and I’m ready to embrace change and find new friends!

@Riv12345: I’m so sorry to hear about your friendship and the passing of your mother. I hope you’re doing well. I’m sure she knows that too, and appreciates you being there for her in her time of need.

@LemonTT: It’s pretty much standard in our friendship especially recently that I’m mostly blamed for things they’ve done despite sometimes not having any prior knowledge of it. My message to them was a general - ‘hey I’m not sure if you’ve seen my mum’s message but I was rushed to hospital...’. There was nothing aggressive, and if there was then I would’ve apologised immediately if it came across to them that way.

@Prettyvase: Thank you! I’m definitely going to be looking after myself more and focusing on doing what’s best for me. I’m usually healthy, quite sporty, so it was a complete shock to the system!

@Sewrainbow: I know! I definitely haven’t promoted this behaviour from them and to think that people believe that is quite upsetting. In fact, I think I’ve been too nice to them over the years and have let things slide that I probably shouldn’t have.

Good luck.

And I am just enormously sad you've had so much stress and trouble.

I really hope the coming year treats you far better - and that next Christmas you find yourself in a great place. 💐

They are not your friends! Who the hell behaves like that when a friend has had a stroke? Good friends would have come to visit or call your Mom to see how you were and could they do anything to help?

Dump them

@Sewrainbow: One thing that is concerning though is that strokes and mini-strokes run in both their families, and I would’ve thought that they’d be more concerned and supportive. Thank you! I’ll definitely be taking people’s advice and concentrating on my healing and getting back to myself!

@Savingshoes: I think that’s why I came on here looking for advice, and I’m so grateful that I did. My mum is livid tbh, she’s done so much for them over the years that it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth. I’ve had to stop her from sending a message in the heat of the moment. But you’re right, my mind isn’t my own now and I’m still thinking about them and wanting to sort out whatever is going on when I should be focusing on my recovery.

@PhilCornwall1: I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope you’re doing well! It definitely is easier said than done and I hate conflict. I’ll be taking a step back and will look at the situation with a clearer mind now.

@AtrociousCircumstance: That made me laugh, lol. Thank you!

@Winter2020: We usually meet up once a week depending on whether we’re busy or not. And I think that makes it worse, I think. Ever since we became friends, we’ve always had a Friendmas thing where we exchange presents and cook dinner together, and this is the first year that they’ve ignored it despite me inquiring about it before my TIA and a few days ago. I’ve always been there for them throughout the years and was there for Friend 1 when her mum passed away.

We’re usually really close and it hurts to know that when I needed them the most, they weren’t there for me.

I think I would let your mum have a word if she knows them well, she's got your back and would probably be best placed to say how poorly you are and how much they have let you down.

@Lolli26 how awful. Agree with most on here your friends are vile. If I had a good friend who I found out had been hospitalised Having had a mini stroke i would have been round like a shot. At the very least contacted your mum. I mean what world are they living in. Expecting messages and updates from a person who is ill. I’m so angry for you.

Not sure if this has been mentioned but do your friends have partners/kids? Are/do you?

@Lolli26 Thank you, I'm certainly doing a lot better now. Just remember, you are the important one in all this.

Ditch them

I would try and find new friends. They sound self obsessed and nasty.

I agree with this. I wouldn't be contacting them again, and would instead concentrate on recovering. All the best

I feel for you - it is really difficult to deal with a recovery and a breakdown in personal relationships like this.

From what you have written it seems as if the relationship with these two friends is more important to you than them. I think you have done your bit to get over the little disagreement but one of your friends has rejected your overtures.

I think this friendship especially with Friend 2 looks to be irreparably damaged. It's unlikely that she will contact you back again at this stage. You just need to deal with it now in a way that results in the least stress to yourself as you are still in recovery mode.

Hopefully you have others in your life, family, other friends etc who can show you some loving care at this time. If it was me I think I would leave these two and not contact them again - they should have had it in them to make some effort to reconcile even after your disagreement so its very hard to make amends when one side doesn't seem to want to.

Speak to your mum and, if possible, another family member that you trust. They will know the dynamic with these and help you take the best approach to this - just try to take care of yourself and your recovery. Get yourself out and about and hopefully meetup with others you value in your life.

Just remember this behaviour says more about them than you as true friends would get around the disagreement around the communication of your illness and make an extra effort to meet etc not continue to back off as these friends have done.

If they're not friends with your mum on FB, then they could well have not got her message.

They sound unbelievably heartless, unusually so. And it's the both of them being like this. Did anything happen at the concert?

Good gosh. I had a minor stroke (not a a TIA) in February, which affected my right side and made messaging etc. difficult. I was in hospital for 4 days, I think I messaged a few relevant people on day 2/3.

The day I came home, I had flowers delivered from one, and daily messages from both.

This is a normal reaction I would have thought, and the reaction of your fiends somewhat strange.

It's easy for me to say, but bollocks to them is what I'd be thinking. What a crap way to treat someone. 'Sorry this has happened but the fact that you didn't prioritise telling me over everything else, when your brain is scrambled and only half of you works has really upset me.' That's not friendship. That's school yard girl bitchiness at its best.

Forget them, and concentrate on recovery. Your arm on the affected side btw, support as much as possible while it is still not functioning normally, to reduce shoulder pain in the future.

Speedy recovery, and when you're able, start widening your social circle so that you can make friendships with people who care. Xx