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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has my friendship been broken?

75 replies

Lolli26 · 27/12/2019 07:09

Hi, I’ve come here looking for advice and a bit of help.

A little backstory: I hadn’t been well for a while due to the dreaded sickness bug and flu going around, I picked up both and really suffered. I got better thank goodness, met up with some friends to go to a concert at the beginning of December of a band we all really liked, and then around mid-December, I suffered a mini-stroke.

I was rushed to hospital and as you can imagine, it was a really terrifying and stressful time. I had tests done and was kept in for observation and when I showed signs that I was doing better, I was released. I went home to recover and as I have anxiety, I really struggled to keep that under control as I couldn’t help but fear the worst.

I still live at home with my parents, and my mum messaged everyone to notify them of what had happened. My siblings and friends, mostly.

My friends and I all live relatively close by and our families know each other well. We’ve been friends for 10 years now, and despite going to school with each other, it was only when we went to college that we found we had a lot in common.

Two weeks go by, and I hadn’t received a message from my friends. So I sent them a message letting them know even though my mum had sent them a message notifying them about what had happened. She said she didn’t get any message back. I’ve seen the messages she sent so I know they’ve been delivered to them.

Friend 2 sent a message back straight away showing some concern but told me that I should’ve told them as soon as it happened. I told her that my mum had sent them a message but neither of them replied. Friend 2 then went silent. A few hours later Friend 1 went in on me, pretty much assassinating me verbally by saying that I obviously didn’t care about them enough to let them know, and I had to repeat that my mum had sent messages to them and sent them a screenshot of them. Not once did they ask me if I was okay or show any concern, just anger towards them not being told even though I had evidence to say they had been sent messages. Her responses that followed really upset me as I was made out to be the bad guy and how I obviously didn’t care about them enough to tell them myself, not once mentioning the screenshots. Her words and anger sent me into a panic attack and I felt like I couldn’t stop apologising even though I didn’t do anything wrong. She said that it only takes 20 seconds to send a message but I had to repeat a third time that my mum did send them a message.

Friend 1 then said that in those two weeks, I should’ve told them what had happened but there was nothing but silence, completely dismissing my responses. I then countered that by saying that in those two weeks, if they noticed my silence then they at least could’ve check in on me and see if I was okay.

She then apologised but I didn’t respond as I was so hurt. I messaged back a few hours later saying that I was sorry too but hopefully they saw my side. Friend 2 never responded. That was on the 21st Dec. On Christmas Day I sent them a message wishing them a Merry Christmas and asked if either of them were free to meet up in between Christmas and New Year which we usually do, hoping that would mend the bridge. I didn’t receive anything from either of them all day which I understood as it was Christmas Day, but Friend 1 sent a message in the evening wishing me a Merry Christmas but said she was working up until New Year. Friend 2 saw it but didn’t reply.

Since then however, my message has been ignored despite them being all over social media.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. I’m trying. I understand I should’ve messaged them myself, but I was trying to recover and dealing with so much anxiety, and I knew my mum had messaged them.

AIBU to send them a message asking them if I’ve offended them or do I leave it? I’m still hurt that neither of them have checked in to see how I am, I thought we were really close. I’ve always been there for them through everything and I don’t feel supported by them at all especially when I really need their support at the moment. I have social anxiety and they’re my only friends and I’m scared of losing them but I know I deserve better than this.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 27/12/2019 08:27

Think they were looking to dump you as a friend.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 27/12/2019 08:27

I’m sorry. They sound awful. And very immature.

thecatfromjapan · 27/12/2019 08:32

I think there must be more going on here.

I don't know you at all but I am wondering why you have sought out friends who treat you so unkindly? Do you push caring people away because they feel claustrophobic? Because you feel you might disappoint more caring people?

A stroke in your twenties is a big deal. Is your health linked to your social anxiety? Do you have background issues linked to your social anxiety?

The behaviour of your friends is so clearly wrong you really shouldn't have to ask.

So perhaps now is the time to think about you, and feeling better about yourself.

I suspect you have feelings of inadequacy that pre-date this stroke but the stroke alone will have affected your feelings of self-worth.

It's hard if you also have social anxiety but now would be a moment to take steps to work on your mental well-being.

Your consultant and your GP can put you in touch with counselling services that are free.

Honestly, your friends are so way out of line it shouldn't need discussion. So there really must be a bit more going on here.

Good luck with your recovery.

And you really are OK as a human being.

Dozer · 27/12/2019 08:35

Sorry about your health problems.

They let you down very badly. Would avoid them from now on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2019 08:35

Please don’t contact them again. Their behaviour is disgusting. You will get other friends. Chasing them and effectively begging will either put them off further or give them the ammunition they need to treat you like shit again and again.

I know you said you have no other friends (not that these women are friends). However, whilst you’re focusing on these people, you have your back turned away from people, who could make far better friends. Turn around and face away from them. It will take time to find friends and you may be lonely for a while. But you’ll have learnt some great things from this experience if you let it.

Riv12345 · 27/12/2019 08:35

So sorry to hear this OP, when one of my friends had a mini stroke, I was unaware till she got released from hospital. I went round and sat with her and explained about some of her medication she was on etc!! She fully recovered.
Even tho a year later she decided she wouldn't see me anymore, I had a lot on, elderly mother who has since passed away, working 12 hour shifts, plus looking after grandchildren, I didn't get to see her much, so she texted saying we wnt meet anymore!!! But still thanked me for being there when she was ill, I found it a little hard that she didn't want to meet anymore, I still get a Christmas card from her,
I hope she understands that life is sometimes so busy with work etc and I would still be here if she ever needed me, I think deep down she knows that, I hope so anyway.

TheBouquets · 27/12/2019 08:37

A lot of people who may be friends or even family disappear fast when we get ill.
You are in recovery from a stroke you don't need these idiots for friends and you don't need to waste a second of your time on people as nasty as those girls.
There are better people out there to be friends with.
Hope all goes well with your recovery

TheReef · 27/12/2019 08:40

They are not your friends. You need new ones.

Proper friends would have checked i with you if they hadn't heard from you in the two weeks. Even if they didn't get your Mums message they should have rallied you when they found out, NOT had a go!

Do not ask what you've done wrong, THEY are the ones in the wrong.

Personally I'd cut them off now and not bother contacting them again. They sound vile

LemonTT · 27/12/2019 08:42

This all sounds quite weird.

When you contacted your friends they responded in a way that indicates they didn’t know. Both were defensive or aggressive There are two possible reasons for this

  1. They knew and they don’t care. At the very least they knew when you contacted them. In which case they are really awful people. For some reason they didn’t want to look bad to you or the wider community. If they are like this then you will know it yourself. As will others. This is not a good friendship. Certainly not one to want or give thought to.

Or,

  1. Their behaviour was prompted by the message you sent. It wasn’t a “hi guys, how are you. I’m still not well after the stroke, but looking forward to seeing you soon” message. Instead it was something more accusatory or aggressive. It is possible they didn’t see your mothers message depending on how it was sent. Delivered and read or different things if it came from a source they didn’t recognise. Hence the defensive and angry responses.

I am going to be frank. I find it hard to believe you never noticed that they were horrible callous people in 10 years or that others haven’t warned you. It’s more probable that this is a series of misunderstandings or miscommunication. However you and they have responded in anger to each other rather than with any desire to understand. Not a good sign in any form of relationship. Time to let go for all of you.

NomNomNomNom · 27/12/2019 08:50

I would try and find new friends. They sound self obsessed and nasty.

Prettyvase · 27/12/2019 08:55

So sorry you have been ill, what a scary time for you and your family. Please research mini strokes carefully because the anxiety your friendship group has caused you and is continuing to cause you is extremely detrimental to both your mental and physical health.

This is a time, coming in to a New Year, to reassess what is important in life. You are going to have to be brave here because your so called friends have shown their true colours. As everyone here has told you, they are not kind of caring and therefore calling them friends is a bit of a misnomer.

They are cruel and heartless, you are going to have to stop apologising and view their behaviour objectively.

Secondly, a stroke is like a warning shot that change is needed: either more medication if you have a pre-existing condition or if it's a bolt out of the blue, especially if you are young, a look at your health, exercise and diet and see what changes you can make to guard against another stroke, I am sure your consultant will have advised.

You need to weed out toxic people from your life op to aid your recovery so please take comfort from your family and build yourself up again with new friendships

Good luck op Flowers

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2019 08:55

It all seems very odd. I think it's best for you to move on.

ohfourfoxache · 27/12/2019 09:02

They are not your friends.

Sewrainbow · 27/12/2019 09:07

They are not true friends. And regardless of age sound very immature. I also can't believe pp are in anyway saying you prompted this behaviour in them Shock

I can only imagine they dont realise how serious having a mini stroke (TIA) is. I wouldn't pursue the friendship even if this is explained to them as they have shown their true colours and are not there for you. As pp said a TIA is a warning shot to make changes in your life, let losing them be the first one, they won't help your anxiety and you need to concentrate on every aspect of your own healing.

7yo7yo · 27/12/2019 09:10

Don’t contact them again.
No use to them.

overnightangel · 27/12/2019 09:12

Sorry to be blunt but they’re a pair of hideously self-centred cunts and I’d be deleting and blocking them ASAP. These people are not your friends.
I hope you’re getting better x

Grandmi · 27/12/2019 09:13

They are not good friends at all . It does seem strange behaviour coming from both of them !! Is there more background story? If not ditch them! I hope you are feeling better now.

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2019 09:15

Unless there is some massive backstory you have missed out, I would not want to be friends with these people again and would let the friendship die.

Prettyvase · 27/12/2019 09:15

Could I ask what your general fitness, BMI, diet and exercise routine is?

There will be lots of opportunities for you to set newt people if you join a walking group or go to gentle gym classes or take up gentle swimming, may be go with your mum to get some confidence?

You need to surround yourself with positivity and make mentally and physically healthy choices op, a New Year, a new, healthier and stronger you! Wink

Prettyvase · 27/12/2019 09:16

See new people* Grin

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2019 09:18

They are not nice friends at all. A normal person would have either said, 'Sorry but I didn't get a message from your mum?' Or, ' I know, your mum said...how are you? ' I think you need to stop contacting them. Spend time making new friends, ones that treat you better.

Sushiroller · 27/12/2019 09:18

What @thecatfromjapan said with bells on.

Use this to male a change in your life.
FlowersFlowersFlowers

Starlight456 · 27/12/2019 09:20

I have needed my friends this year for very different reasons. However I have found people who I didn’t even think were interested in anyway have been surprising great.

The a friend in need is a friend indeed is very true.

Dump the lot of them .

I spent my 21st birthday at the hospital because that’s where my bestie was.

I hope your recovery is going well x

Besidesthepoint · 27/12/2019 09:23

Just stop putting energy into them and start finding nice friends.

Spied · 27/12/2019 09:33

I think they were looking to dump you. Sorry.
'Three's a crowd' and all that.
Some people are completely vile. sounds like they are using your predicament, 'misunderstandings' and illness as a way out of your friendship.
In hindsight when you are feeling less anxious it's likely you'll see they haven't been great friends for a while.
Cake