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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to protect this money

81 replies

Foxylass · 27/12/2019 00:27

I have been lurking for ages - first post.

In a nutshell - my DH and I have worked hard for years and now are in a position to gift our DC's a good bit of money.
We are thinking chunk of deposit on a flat/small house. We will hold onto it till the DC's are ready to buy, which should not be long..
We are however worried, what if our DC's go off the rails - not likely, they are all quite stable and money savvy - could we protect the 'gift' in some way?
Also, that a future partner or spouse etc..might have some kind of claim on it.
Of course in the long run if a partner/spouse has contributed (financially or in a supportive manner) or if there are children (our grandkids) we would expect them to be secure BUT for the first few years how do we ensure security for our DC's?
AIBU to want to protect the money - should it simply be a gift that we write off after handing it over?

We would never want the money back.

First world type problem I know - but we have worked so hard for so long and we are very lucky to be able to get the kids started in this way - it would be a shame if it all got lost somehow.

OP posts:

LakieLady · 27/12/2019 10:45

A friend of mine had a similar dilemma.

In the end, she paid off their student loans instead of giving them a lump sum. Not having to make the loan repayments meant that they could save more and borrow more when they both came to buy their first home.

bridgetreilly · 27/12/2019 10:55

I think you need to stop acting as though your DC are still young children. If they are old enough to be buying a house and entering into long-term relationships, then they are old enough to make their own financial decisions.

I would simply tell them that you have this money saved in order to help them buy a house and when they are ready to do so, you will simply give it to them. And if they have something else they would prefer to do with it, then they should also be able to come and explain that to you and again, you give it to them. Not to spend on nonsense, obviously, but if they wanted to set up a business, for instance.

You've done your job as parents in raising them. Now you have to do your job as parents in trusting them and letting them go.

WobblyAllOver · 27/12/2019 10:56

Personally I wouldn't accept a gift with strings from anyone. It will affect any relationship and tbh once married you are entering into a contract to share finances so having a third party involved will always cause problems.

Supersimkin2 · 27/12/2019 11:01

To be honest, the risk of you or DH going into care, and your cash being taken by the local council, is higher than a DC divorce.

Get a lawyer to protect it. But cancel it in a few years as if you or DH go into care & it's still seen as your assets the council will come after the DC's home.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 27/12/2019 11:03

Re-reading your OP, I think the best way to keep the money 'secure' if your kids go off the rails etc would be to give it in the form of a deposit if & when your DC buy property. In this sense it will be safe (except for the ups and downs of the property market) and your children will pay the remainder of the mortgaged, so you've encouraged them to make a sensible investment and build their own wealth.

But don't include any claw back provisions, or have a weird personal loan thing or equity in the house. Just give it and let it go. Let it form part of the marital assets, don't be a third party in your children's relationships and investments.

Also if it's only enough for a deposit on a small house or flat, it's not exactly gold digger kind of money, is it? It's a fantastic start, and wonderful that you can do it for your DC, but I don't think it will attract people who are only interested in money. They tend gravitate towards people with serious money, not people with a 20% equity in a small mortgaged flat.

CrazyToast · 27/12/2019 11:14

My Bro in law had money from parents which he could only use either to buy a place or when he got married. But it was set up in the USA.

Campervan69 · 27/12/2019 11:19

When my dad was dying he wanted to pay our mortgage off but also make sure if we divorced that I would benefit not my husband. So we gave him a second legal charge over the property, and he signed a discharge document for it which he gave to me. So I have the control of the charge.

In your case you could just get them to sign a second legal charge document and hold onto it until you want to discharge it. It will be registered at the land registry and will come second in priority to the mortgage.

CombyourhairNow · 27/12/2019 11:22

You would just have to trust that they have their heads screwed on. If you think they’re likely to blow it etc then don’t give them it.

You could buy a house in your name I suppose and they could live their? Their no one could stake a claim in it as it’s not their money (although they would benefit from it)

If they met someone and bought a house together etc there are ways to ring fence certain percentages for this reason, incase they separate. A solicitor works draw this agreement up.

ChickenNugget86 · 27/12/2019 11:22

I met my husband when I was 17, he was 20. We private rented when I turned 21 for a year to see if we enjoyed living together before getting a mortgage. Got engaged then got a mortgage together.

We used the first buy scheme on a new build house. His parents gave him the money for the deposit (around 8k) as the builders/government put in the other 20%

We were both very grateful as it meant we could use our joint savings to help pay towards the loan from the government/builders and wedding.

When the day came of transfering the money my MIL made me feel like shit. She said it was her money and that she was gifting it to her son, not me. She wanted me to sign a contract to say that it was my DH's house even though both of us were on the mortgage and both paying the monthly payments. I could understand why she may have felt like that but we were about to get married and it really hurt. She had visions of me leaving him and demanding the house ffs.

I can understand why you may be worried in the future but from the other point of view it hurt me and my relationship with MIL has never been quite the same after that. She still makes the odd comment now that it's her sons house.

Id have a chat with your child and say - we have X amount to give you and we would like you to use it on a deposit towards a house/flat when you feel the time is ready for you.

Rubyroost · 27/12/2019 11:28

Personally I think you should trust your children. You cannot control everything they do in life. If you can't then wait to give them the money.

BrickTop999 · 27/12/2019 11:28

This is my worry too. My current partners parents put almost £100k into his house purchase with his ex, and because she bred children, she was trying to claim all the equity, until a Judge put her straight on that.

I have money to give my children and I too am worried future partners may try and take it all ( or waste £30k in costs trying to !)

Campervan69 · 27/12/2019 11:33

BrickTop999 protect your money with a second legal charge. It's simple and effective.

ChickenyChick · 27/12/2019 11:39

FWIW, my parents gave me some moneyas a deposit when I married, and we bought a flat.

I am really glad they did not put any clauses or strings attached, and trusted my judgement and trusted DH for not running off it (or whatever it is you think their future partners may do)

IMO, if you give money you give it freely. If you think your kids are not mature enough to make sensible decisions, don't gift the money until they are a bit more grown up.

Laughterisbest · 27/12/2019 11:40

To be honest, the risk of you or DH going into care, and your cash being taken by the local council, is higher than a DC divorce

I'd be surprised if that's true. Nearly half of marriages now end in divorce. Many people die before they have need of a care home, and not all very old people go into a care home.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/12/2019 11:44

I do trust my children, it’s future partners I don’t trust. That’s very different.

churchandstate · 27/12/2019 11:51

My current partners parents put almost £100k into his house purchase with his ex, and because she bred children,...

I hate people who speak about women like this. Hate it.

WobblyAllOver · 27/12/2019 11:51

The thing I find is that most people who want to put stipulations on gifts didn't have any put on theirs.

It's a bit like prenups when parents suggest them for their children but didn't have them for their own marriage.

I also wonder how they would feel if they say here is £20,000 but protect it and then the child's partner comes along later with a much bigger amount and protects that.

MinnieMountain · 27/12/2019 12:00

Most lenders will not allow second charges in these circumstances.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/12/2019 12:01

I also wonder how they would feel if they say here is £20,000 but protect it and then the child's partner comes along later with a much bigger amount and protects that

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest but I’ve raised my children not to take what isn’t there’s so whether a pre nup or protected deposit they wouldn’t care as it’s not theirs to begin with.

Anyone who has an issue with signing a pre nup or a deposit being protected shows their true feelings with regards to others money imo.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2019 12:01

I am thinking of match funding a deposit when my DC get older e.g I might give them £2 for every £ they save up to a certain amount. That way they take responsibility and save. I think psychologically they might see the money differently if they have had to earn it rather than it being a free gift.

WobblyAllOver · 27/12/2019 12:07

Anyone who has an issue with signing a pre nup or a deposit being protected shows their true feelings with regards to others money imo.

I think a prenup shows that whilst you externally want a marriage really you actually want to stay financially single and independent. Same with buying a house together. But then I only bought a house on my own and then joint when I want to join finances. I certainly wouldn't marry anyone wanting a prenup (and yes I have always earned my own money so I am not the financially lower earner).

Rubyroost · 27/12/2019 12:11

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss but your children's choice of partner and there decisions regarding this will shape whether the partner can get their hands on their money. Eg. My mortgage is in my name and my partner would not try and make a claim if we split up. At some point you have to let go of the reigns and let your children take control over their lives.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2019 12:18

I think trying to tie the money up against a future partner potentially could actually have the opposite effect. An abusive partner might use it to create a “your parents hate me” and a “it’s us against the world” script.

It’s tricky.

WobblyAllOver · 27/12/2019 12:25

Rather than forcing a gift with ties surely it's better to educate your DC about finances in terms of house buying (tenants in common versus joint tenants), legal positions of joint and individual finances e.g. common law partner does not exist in the uk, and how financially vulnerable people are if they aren't married but are SAHP without wills and all the other legal protection.

Then give the gift freely and let the DC decide how they live their life.

SunshineCake · 27/12/2019 12:26

I'm interested in this as I'm on the other side. Before we married but when dh and I were looking to buy a house his parents offered to lend him five figures but in the end bought a house outright which was six. Dh then stated paying them back each month, like a mortgage but to em rather than the bank. The agreement was between FIL and DH and this really hurt me as I was also paying back as we had a joint account and I was working even though by now dh was earning more and could pay without me.

The agreement was changed once dh and I married.

I do understand why they did it like that but it is hard not to take it personally.

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