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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to protect this money

81 replies

Foxylass · 27/12/2019 00:27

I have been lurking for ages - first post.

In a nutshell - my DH and I have worked hard for years and now are in a position to gift our DC's a good bit of money.
We are thinking chunk of deposit on a flat/small house. We will hold onto it till the DC's are ready to buy, which should not be long..
We are however worried, what if our DC's go off the rails - not likely, they are all quite stable and money savvy - could we protect the 'gift' in some way?
Also, that a future partner or spouse etc..might have some kind of claim on it.
Of course in the long run if a partner/spouse has contributed (financially or in a supportive manner) or if there are children (our grandkids) we would expect them to be secure BUT for the first few years how do we ensure security for our DC's?
AIBU to want to protect the money - should it simply be a gift that we write off after handing it over?

We would never want the money back.

First world type problem I know - but we have worked so hard for so long and we are very lucky to be able to get the kids started in this way - it would be a shame if it all got lost somehow.

OP posts:
paranoidmum2 · 27/12/2019 08:02

@GreenTulips it was called the Help to Buy ISA but the govt stopped any applications after 30 Nov 2019.

GreenTulips · 27/12/2019 09:15

www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/lifetime-isas/

They still exist!! Save £4000 a year and get £1000 bonus

Have to say there nothing wrong in wanting to protect your child’s cash. It better that they have something to show for it if the partnership breaks down surely?

RedHelenB · 27/12/2019 09:31

Yabut. A gift is freely given. My kids are lucky to have some money ( not through me) that will do as a deposit on a house. They mess that up their problem as they are adults. I don't get this controlling aspect at all.

Jinglebellissimo · 27/12/2019 09:41

The thing is - you just don’t know what their life circumstances will be. They may buy a house with a partner who puts in a bigger deposit than yours. They may wish to move to a part of the country where your money won’t help the enough to buy, they may choose not to buy.

BarchesterTowers · 27/12/2019 09:47

If you gift it then it’s hard to put strings on it. You can talk to DC and suggest that they protect it as a deposit when they move in with s partner. They may not want to....

TW2013 · 27/12/2019 09:51

Would a family offset mortgage product suit you? The money remains as yours but the interest you would earn on it instead goes towards your dc mortgage, when they have enough equity they can then remortgage.

Winterdaysarehere · 27/12/2019 09:52

My friend scrimped and saved for her ds a lump sum. He was until then a geeky nerd!!
Age 21 he received 8k and blew it in 10 months.
Not
A
Thing
To
Show
For
It.
Place some stipulations op or don't bother giving him it ime...

Winter2020 · 27/12/2019 10:03

Assuming your kids work and earn enough to get the mortgage they need perhaps you would be better to gift them say their 10% deposit (e.g. 15k depending on where you are in the country) without strings attached rather than more with strings attached.

Don't buy the house jointly (with you). There could be capital gains tax to pay when you sell as you don't live there and you would have to pay more stamp duty as I assume that you already own property.

houseofrabbits · 27/12/2019 10:03

My parents gave my partner and I money for a house, essentially they were our mortgage and we paid off a tiny amount of the loan each month. The only protection was that in my will my parents would be entitled to their money back if I died. When my partner and I got married a few years later they gifted us the remainder of the 'loan' so we are mortgage free now. I think my will still states that my parents are entitled to their money back, but I will probably change that when children are involved (in discussion with my parents).

I am incredibly grateful my parents trusted us with this money as it has been a huge help. I think it was perhaps easier for them as they already knew my partner (and we had been together for a few years) so they were making an informed decision. I absolutely would do the same if we could afford to for our children.

houseofrabbits · 27/12/2019 10:11

Sorry I've realised my post above was incorrect. We actually had no proper legal protection in place until we were married. So essentially my parents just trusted myself and my partner. When we got married we drew up a will that states if I die, everything goes to my husband. On his death, if we have no children, my parents are entitled to their money back. If we have children everything is left in a trust for them.

I will add that both myself and my partner had proved we were very sensible so that gave my parents some reassurance.

TeenPlusTwenties · 27/12/2019 10:14

I wouldn't gift money until I am willing to take the risk of losing it.
It is also one of the reasons we haven't saved in the DDs names.

churchandstate · 27/12/2019 10:16

I agree with Cloudy. Your decision here is whether to gift them money. How much of that money is eventually shared with a future partner is down to them and the law.

Gatehouse77 · 27/12/2019 10:18

I was gifted money via a discretionary trust and was advised to always be a joint tenant in common (or something similar to that) to protect my investment.
DH and my wills also protect our 50% so were either of us to remarry after death then 50% of the children's inheritance is protected from any future partner.
There was never any expectation that the money would be returned to the trust but that I would be sensible and take legal advice if needed. If you believe that you have armed your children with the right tools then I would discuss it openly with them. For some reason my mother was particularly worried about religious cults.

Original poster
Foxylass · 27/12/2019 10:19

Lots of great advice, thank you.
We are not wanting to have strings or control - we just want our DC's to have the safe benefit of the money for a few years and to not be honey pots.
A friend of mine inherited some money and was suddenly more attractive to lazy men who just wanted an easy life. Luckily my friend was ok and saw what was happening but she was mid thirties.... this will not always be the case, but I want to do my best for my kids.
My kids are between 20 and 30 yrs old.

I am totally happy with future partners/spouses/children being fairly looked after - BUT for the first while I'd like a bit of security.

I am trying to be kind and helpful - to everyone, including looking to the future.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/12/2019 10:21

OP, considering how hard you have worked, it is wise to take advice on how to protect it.

Having had a couple of friends gift huge deposits to their children and then their marriages falling apart in a couple of years and the house sold, I would be very, very careful.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2019 10:23

Just be careful how you word it as it could cause problems between you and DCs and DCs and their future partners.

I won't give my DS unfettered access to his trust fund because l know he will blow it.

wintertime6 · 27/12/2019 10:24

I understand your thinking, but putting restrictions on the money is really saying to your children that you don't trust them to make sensible decisions in the future, either financially or in relationships. You have to consider what effect that will have on your relationship with your children.

My sister and I were lucky enough to have been given money by our parents to help with a deposit and we both bought our first houses when we were single and not in a relationship. We're now both married, my sister has sold her house and they bought a bigger house together, we are hoping to sell next year and buy a new house.

That money from our parents was a gift, to be used to get on the property ladder, and they trusted us to be sensible enough with any decisions we took after that.

churchandstate · 27/12/2019 10:26

Honey pots Hmm

Just keep the money until you can pass it on as an inheritance. Best thing for all concerned.

thecartofhelena · 27/12/2019 10:29

My in-laws always thought and behaved like I was after their money, I found it extremely insulting and it affected our future relationship very badly and they felt that they weren't given their due when the grandchildren arrived, so do be careful how you treat future partners, they are not always money grabbing, the amount we eventually inherited was 10k, not an amount to be sniffed at, but not enough for the aggravation over the years

Umberta · 27/12/2019 10:30

@Foxylass I think one of the main considerations is what your kids are like and how responsible they are. My mum was in a similar situation with my sister where she had a bit to give each of us. My sis has poor MH and has never had a job for more than a few months (and not for many years now), and has previous form for spending large money gifts unwisely. So my mum invests it for her and gives her a monthly allowance out of it. But she gave me my bit to put as a deposit on a flat a few years ago, which grew and I live in a house now with my dh. It's not that she wanted to treat my sis harshly, just that she wanted to make sure it would keep benefitting her for many years. So I guess you need to decide how responsible they are. If they are responsible, I agree with pp, do not try to "protect" the money from their partners and future children...trust your children to have chosen the right partners and keep talking to them

Original poster
Foxylass · 27/12/2019 10:32

More excellent points.
Thank you.
I am so glad I posted as it is making me see things in a much clearer way.

OP posts:
Jinglebellissimo · 27/12/2019 10:35

@Foxylass surely though the issue of how much you are going to give them is only going to come up when they choose to buy a house?

Therefore their partners are to know this until the time comes. My dp’s gifted me £20k when I bought my first home (and no that wasn’t anywhere near the full deposit), and dh and I put up about the same - certainly don’t think he was with me “for the money” as even I didn’t know how much they could/would help.

BanginChoons · 27/12/2019 10:38

I have a savings pot for each of my children, it was an inheritance which I have added to. I will give it to them when they are buying a property and not before. I would also consider giving it towards something else major/life changing, but it will be given for a purpose so no option for glittering it away.

churchandstate · 27/12/2019 10:43

Problem is, by giving money with strings attached what you are really doing is (potentially) warping a normal financial relationship with a future partner. You could easily put your DC in a position where they have financial security, but they aren’t in a position to offer financial security to a potential partner (for example, they have money invested in a property but, because it’s protected by whatever mechanism you have used, they can’t invest as part of a partnership with their future spouse). This just causes issues, and I doubt I would accept money from a parent on this basis.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/12/2019 10:44

We want to do this too but want to protect the house deposit from future spouses so will need legal advice when the time comes. Whilst lots will do the honourable thing and not take what they didn’t put in many won’t sadly.