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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing my kids to be flower girls

52 replies

Name101 · 27/12/2019 00:11

Long story short, my mums ex husband my step dad has asked my children to be his flower girls. The woman who is due to marry is whom he had a an affair with but more of my issue is he has barely seen my children in the 2 years since the divorce or bothered with me

AIBU in declining as I really don’t want any part of it. I have two younger brothers who really want my kids to be apart but it’s a huge betrayal to my mum isn’t it?!

OP posts:
VanyaHargreeves · 27/12/2019 00:15

Massive

Your stepdad is marrying the OW and wants to appropriate his ex Wifes grandkids for his wedding party?

Cheeky Fucker

The ONLY way this is OK is if he raised you from a baby and you call him Dad

Even THEN it's insensitive as fuck

Sn0tnose · 27/12/2019 00:15

If he hasn’t bothered with you or your children in the last two years then I’d think it’s either about wanting two adorable little flower girls for the photos, or wanting to create an image of having a lovely supportive family around him.

You’re completely right not to want any part of it.

Chocmallows · 27/12/2019 00:26

I'd keep it simple, say "no". He hasn't bothered before so he clearly won't bother once he has a clear message that you won't allow them to be props for the day.

DramaAlpaca · 27/12/2019 00:28

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

ConfCall · 27/12/2019 00:29

He’s hoping to use your girls to create a happy blended family illusion. He wants to show how he’s still close with his ex stepchildren and their kids because he’s such a good bloke and it’s all so cool. It’s a kind of virtue signalling.

Awful man.

Don’t play ball.

SexlessBoulderBelly · 27/12/2019 00:29

If he hasn’t given you a date yet.... tell him you’re busy that day.

If he has same rule applies.

Pardonwhat · 27/12/2019 00:33

He’d actually go all the way and humiliate your mum in that way?
What a prick

MsPepperPotts · 27/12/2019 00:33

Just say no and tell him straight.
He's a selfish git and you're right to not want anything to do with him.

It might be a good idea to tell him that you and your mum and dos have booked a proper family holiday abroad that week!

Leeds2 · 27/12/2019 00:35

I would say no. Completely inappropriate, unless there is a back story.

Have you told your mum? What does she think?

laudete · 27/12/2019 00:52

How is your relationship with your younger brothers, who really want their nieces to be part of the wedding - and how old are they and your daughters eg of a similar age? I infer they are probably your mom's sons with your stepfather, so some of her nearest relatives will be at the wedding anyway. I'd also consider who should get the most support around this wedding. (Definitely not your stepfather who is a fully-grown adult. But, possibly not other adults too.) Best wishes for dealing with a sucky situation. x

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/12/2019 01:02

"I;'m sorry but we will be on holiday then"

"I havent told you the date"

"As I said, we will be on holiday then, with my mother"

Original poster
Name101 · 27/12/2019 01:14

Thank you all for confirming, I had planned all along to say no but my brother through me off by saying SD had raised me for many years - he’s 12 and doesn’t quite appreciate the rather tricky situation.
@Laudete they are 4 & 12 - 12 yo is more of the problem. My girls are twins 18 months currently so would be 2 and a half ish by the wedding. Relationship with brothers is great despite huge gap I’m the cool sister with the tech knowledge and school slang in their eyes I suppose!
@Leeds2 my mum said to do it for my brothers sake but there not really my concern, my mum is a very kind person and wouldn’t say not to either way but I know they’ll (bros) will forgive me and understand in time - id hope.

I do think it’s a selfish move on his part but in all honesty it’s how he has played his cards throughout the full divorce.

Thanks again for all of your replies xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Name101 · 27/12/2019 01:16

Please Excuse the grammar / spelling errors silly long Christmas nails!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 27/12/2019 01:26

Your mum sounds lovely.

And, to be honest, I wouldn't be swayed by the opinion of a 12 year old.

Crafting1Queen · 27/12/2019 02:07

Hi Op, I think you have made the right decision, and I'm sure your brothers will understand in time (especially the one who is currently 12). I also think, aswell as the happy, smiley "family" snaps and of course the super cute twins in their adorable flower girl dresses etc, your ExSD wants you there as a convenient babysitter for your two young brothers. Your Mum sounds very gracious, not putting you in a position to choose, so I think that doubly cements your decision is correct.

Blitzen2 · 27/12/2019 02:11

I thought it would be a tough choice until you said he hasn’t bothered with them or you. Then it was an immediate nope!

PicsInRed · 27/12/2019 03:29

It wasn't enough to destroy his wife's trust in men and intimate relationships, he had to also obliterate her comforting family connections and trust in family. To alienate her from her own children and GC - not even his own - the same children and GC he fucked off when he left, with barely a backwards glance.

What a sociopath he is.

(That's a no from me too.)

Topseyt · 27/12/2019 03:34

I would say absolutely no way. He sounds like a cheeky fucker.

Livingoncake · 27/12/2019 04:00

I’m afraid it really doesn’t matter what your brothers want - you are the mother of these little girls and you have every right not to allow them to be used as props for ex-SD’s convenience.

I would tell him no, and tell him why. People like him do shit like this because nobody calls them out on it.

ElluesPichulobu · 27/12/2019 05:47

of course you shouldn't let your kids be used in this way.

do I understand correctly that these younger brothers are actually half-brothers genetically speaking and for them this is about their actual dad's new relationship? if so, obviously their perspective is very different to yours.

stick with your mum. wish your step dad well for his next attempt at finding happiness - it is ok to acknowledge that sometimes relationships don't work out and it is ok to stop and try again a different way. but you don't have to be a cheerleader for him.

Frankola · 27/12/2019 08:03

Wow. What a gem your step dad is Shock

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/12/2019 08:10

Is your step dad your brothers' dad? That makes the dynamic different for them. Also your brothers have probably seen your daughters a lot and THEY would like them at the wedding because they will be there themselves.

A 12 year old can't (and shouldn't be expected to) understand the complexities of this. Its an adult situation that doesn't need to be explained in detail to a 12 year old.

Just decline, say you're not available. I assume you won't be accepting an invitation to the wedding so who exactly would look after 2 toddlers all day?

Just say it doesn't suit. And shut down any conversation with the 12 year old. Kindly.

SubordinateThatClause · 27/12/2019 08:15

YANBU- I guess the OW wants cute twin flower girls. She was partly responsible for breaking up your mum's marriage? She certainly doesn't get to play cutesy with her grandchildren.

Dozer · 27/12/2019 08:21

YANBU, of course. Hope you won’t be attending the wedding either!

If your young brothers are upset or angry, good opportunity to share your perspective and encourage them to think about these kinds of situation.

ASimpleLampoon · 27/12/2019 08:24

I agree with pp who said you will be wanted for babysitting your brothers. Don't go he's only bothering now because he wants a favour

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