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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing my kids to be flower girls

52 replies

Name101 · 27/12/2019 00:11

Long story short, my mums ex husband my step dad has asked my children to be his flower girls. The woman who is due to marry is whom he had a an affair with but more of my issue is he has barely seen my children in the 2 years since the divorce or bothered with me

AIBU in declining as I really don’t want any part of it. I have two younger brothers who really want my kids to be apart but it’s a huge betrayal to my mum isn’t it?!

OP posts:
QuillBill · 27/12/2019 08:24

Good post TellMe.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/12/2019 08:25

Maybe the OW doesn't want the twins as flower girls! I know I wouldn't if my relationship started in the way this one did.

The stepdad is a shit, no doubt about it. The OW isn't great either. But I doubt she's behind asking the 2 girls. I'd even hazard a guess the stepdad isn't too keen, but the boys are pushing for it.

Dozer · 27/12/2019 08:25

“ Its an adult situation that doesn't need to be explained in detail to a 12 year old”

I disagree and think “adult” stuff should be explained, in factual, age appropriate terms. Helps DC to learn about this stuff.

Eg “Dad had an affair with Jen while still married to Mum. So Dad and Mum broke up. Mum felt very bad. I was upset and angry with him, and Jen. Dad also hasn’t seen my small DC Alfie and Sophie much at all for the last two years. So it wouldn’t be appropriate for them to be part of the wedding.”

SpudsAreLife84 · 27/12/2019 08:28

Absolutely yanbu!

As an aside, I actually disagree massively with small children in wedding parties, they often seem really overwhelmed and it seems a bit exploitative to me. My SIL has been married twice and twice wanted my youngest children at the time ( only the ones under 4!) to be flower girls because they will be cute for the photos...told her absolutely no way!

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 27/12/2019 08:44

Your Mum sounds very gracious, not putting you in a position to choose, so I think that doubly cements your decision is correct.

THIS ^

Not many women could so generously put the feelings of others before their own. Especially when it involves an ex attempting to rub their nose in it like this.

He is a total tosser - tree him to sod off! Perhaps on the wedding day you, your mum and your DDs could all go out together for the day to celebrate there being no chance whatsoever that this piece of crap will ever slither back into your lives.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 27/12/2019 08:48

Dozer, you don't need to tell a 12 year old that his parents split up because his Dad had an affair. You can say he left mum. You can say mum was upset that the relationship ended and you can say out of loyalty to mums feelings she can't go to the wedding, and if she can't go her children won't be there. But there is no need to drag a 12 year old child into adult relationships. You are then forcing the child to take sides. You are tainting his view of his dad. You are deliberately planting seeds that are likely to cause upset.

The fact that the brother thinks this might even be a possibility shows the dignity his mother has displayed after the split.

Dozer · 27/12/2019 08:51

Telling DC the truth about affairs need not be any of those things.

Lying by omission isn’t dignity.

Radardodgingninga · 27/12/2019 08:55

Your mum and brother both sound lovely.

There isn’t a definitive right or wrong in this I don’t think. What matters is your gut instinct. It’s telling you ‘no’ loud and clear and I think you should listen to it.

Why not tell your SD and his future wife that it feels disloyal to your mum for the girls to be part of the wedding and you would prefer to just attend as guests or for the evening only? Their reaction should tell you a lot about their motives in making this request.

Whatsername177 · 27/12/2019 08:57

I would definitely talk to the 12 year old. I think you should explain that you are happy for your step dad and wish him all the best, but, as the oldest two siblings, you two both have the job of taking care of a parent each. His job is to look after his dad and make sure his wedding goes smoothly, your job is to look after your mum and make sure she is distracted and happy too. Ask your step brothers for help in choosing a card (and a hideously garish, cheap 'wedding' photo frame that your brothers will think is lovely but the happy couple will hate Grin) and just style is all out with a smile. There is no way the 'hes been your dad for a long time' comment came from a 12 year old, it came from your stepdad, who is clearly a selfish twat. You also need to speak to your step dad. In your position I'd thank him, acknowledge he has been your step dad for a long time and wish him all the best, but inform him you will be with your mum on that day doing something nice. I'd also slip in 'I'm sure you understand that it is difficult for me and I need to put my mum first, even though I'm glad to see you happy.' The nicer and more reasonable you are, the more out of order he will seem.

BahBloodyHumbug · 27/12/2019 08:58

leaving asides the betrayal to your mum and your younger brothers; the man has barely seen your twins since they were born. They don't know him. He has no right at all to ask. Incredibly cheeky.

gingersausage · 27/12/2019 08:58

It sounds like drama for the sake of it to me. The OP’s mum is the only one with a right to be upset and she’s not so I don’t see the big deal. All this talk of “using” is ridiculous. A step-dad asks his step-daughter if her daughters can be in his wedding. The ins and outs of the (Jeremy Kyle-esque) relationships are not the issue. I imagine the OP would have been just as outraged if her step-dad had snubbed her twin princesses.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2019 09:13

@Whatsername177
Those are some very wise words. I agree with everything you say. That’s perfect.

FelicemNatalemChristi · 27/12/2019 09:13

You going to the wedding lets everyone know that he must have done the right thing as look at how cool everyone is about it.

You not going to the wedding shows everyone that he hurt people and you want no part of it.

When people do stuff to hurt others, there should be consequences and not enablers.

Sexequality · 27/12/2019 09:16

Two and a half is still very young to be flowergirls. Too young to be able to sit happily through a wedding service without entertainment, too young to be trotting up the aisle without someone holding their hand/carrying them. Too young to sit through a ‘wedding breakfast’ without support. They will still be needing naps and will be grouchy without them. They will need a parent looking after them the whole time...

nestisflown · 27/12/2019 09:26

Great post @Whatsername177 I would do everything you've said.

ChuckleBuckles · 27/12/2019 09:32

I had planned all along to say no but my brother through me off by saying SD had raised me for many years - he’s 12

You do understand that the comment came from your DB by way of his dad don't you OP, he has been chatting in his ear in the knowledge that little comment would wing its way back to you.

I would explain to db if he makes any more of those comments that these are adult things to sort out and not to worry himself, and that he should wholeheartedly enjoy his day at the wedding but that you and dd's will not be there.

I agree with those pp that say that this is an attempt to make everything seem hunky dory to those outside the immediate family. Your mum sounds lovely by the way, try to do something nice for her on the wedding day, maybe a lunch out for her with you and your dc and some friends of your DM too. Rally the troops a bit.

LittleTinselTown · 27/12/2019 09:50

Put your Mum's feelings first, something that man didn't do. I wouldn't play happy families with that arsehole. When DB is older, he'll understand why you didn't go.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 27/12/2019 09:54

There is no way the 'hes been your dad for a long time' comment came from a 12 year old, it came from your stepdad, who is clearly a selfish twat

THIS ^

But I disagree with people who think the new wife won't really want OP's DD's there - she may be looking to validate the relationship, and look sparkly innocent and clean herself in their sordid shenanigans by having them there.

"Look - even his ex's DD blesses our union - she knows what an unreasonable be-aatch her mother was, and how she forced my beloved into my arms. He's not a dirty, cheating, lying manipulative soda at all, and I am not a spiteful cowbag."

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 27/12/2019 09:57

The OP’s mum is the only one with a right to be upset and she’s not

Really, ginger?

You really think OP's DM is not upset?

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 27/12/2019 09:57

*Whoops - SOD, not 'soda"

Dollymixture22 · 27/12/2019 10:06

Agree he wants cute twins in the wedding. They are also a symbol that he did nothing wrong.

It would be a massive betrayal of your mum, I wouldn’t and would explain exactly why.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/12/2019 10:22

He should have asked you. Going over the parents' head is unacceptable no matter what the circumstances.

In these circumstances, it's absolutely unacceptable.

YANBU.

billy1966 · 27/12/2019 10:29

Good call OP.
Your DD sounds like a twat whom is concerned with the optics of the wedding.

Support your Mum. She sounds lovely.

SnapCackleFlop · 27/12/2019 10:34

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I’d tell him it’s not even fair to ask but actually @Whatsername177 ‘S suggestion is much better and less likely to create a load of extra grief 😄

Your mum does sound great and having a good day with her is definitely the way to go. 💐

foodandwine89 · 27/12/2019 10:45

Wow. I can't believe there is a man so unreasonable out there. Your SD is a fucking twat. The 12 year old will say whatever he hears at home, that's his dad speaking. Say no. Absolutely fucking no.

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