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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him he’s trying too hard?

53 replies

GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 19:47

Or more would I be unreasonable to do so, as I haven’t said anything yet.

Recently separated but we’re on the verge of getting back together.
I feel like he’s trying too hard to be the perfect partner and father. I don’t want to upset him, he’s being really lovely but it feels too much. I don’t know if I’m just being a moody cow though. And I know if he wasn’t making any effort at all I’d be annoyed too, so maybe he can’t win either way.

But would I be unreasonable to tell him he’s trying a bit too hard and if not, what’s a nice way to say it?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/12/2019 19:48

Pity he didn't try harder when you were still together. Why do you want to get back with him?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 20:11

It wasn’t really him not trying that caused us to separate pinky.
Lots of reasons, but mostly the two small children we share.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 20:13

It feels a bit like we’re at the start of a relationship, where they want to impress you and it’s all hearts and flowers. Only we have two children and I just want him to be normal.

OP posts:
ElloBrian · 26/12/2019 20:15

Think you need to elaborate an awful lot more before anyone can helpfully comment, OP.

BlueJava · 26/12/2019 20:16

What's changed to make it work this time around OP?

Dozer · 26/12/2019 20:18

Why did you split up?

Do you feel his actions now are genuine, or put on and unsustainable?

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 20:22

Can you tell him what you would like?

As in rather than flowers
I would like you to pitch in and share housework without me asking and for us to talk honestly about how our days has been?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 20:29

Sorry @ElloBrian. I did type out a list of things but it seemed petty, maybe that means I am being unreasonable. But it's difficult to explain as nothing he's doing are things I don't want him to do. I just want him to relax with it a bit.
He's staying over Christmas and it's like every time the Ds needs something or the baby murmurs he's there, same without household stuff, cleaning etc. It's not bad things, but I feel like saying just stop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 20:32

Lots of things have changed and we've talked a lot. We've both had things we needed to work on and I'm aware one of mine is not really making him feel wanted/needed. Which is why I'm cautious about saying anything.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2019 20:35

Can you say just that "it's lovely how proactive you've been but it's fine for you to relax and let me do my share to"

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 20:39

He's doing everything @RandomMess. So it's not like he's only doing the romantic stuff, he's cleaning, cooking, sorting the dc. I told him earlier I just wanted a bit of space and I encouraged him to go watch football with his mates. But he took the kids out to the park and called to get some stuff so he could cook a meal. Only I didn't mean space from the kids and I didn't want a meal tonight. But that would be harsh to say, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/12/2019 20:41

I wouldn't say anything because he can't keep it up forever can he?

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 20:44

It seems like you're still not able to talk honestly with each other?

Are you someone that is perhaps introverted and need "alone time"?

Why aren't you able to say "I don't fancy a meal tonight" or "I need you to go out with your mates I want to veg on my own for a bit"

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 20:44

I've tried subtly @RandomMess. Like today I was encouraging of him going out for a few hours. He just doesn't seem to be taking the hint or he thinks if he stops for a second I'll change my mind. That's why I wondered if it would be unreasonable to just say it's too much and he's trying too hard.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2019 20:47

I think you need to say "I need some space, off you go out with your mates"

I think you need to be able to state your needs? Does he take that as an attack?

chocolatefudgecake17 · 26/12/2019 20:47

I think you sound like hard work.
You dont want him to do everything with/for the kids.
You wanted him to go out on his own.
You didn't want him to take the kids.
You didn't want a meal tonight.

Why don't you try talking to him. It sounds like he's trying. Are you?

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 20:49

"I can see you are putting in 100% effort and trying to do anything and everything that needs doing but I'm finding it stressful how can we find a compromise?"

Honeyroar · 26/12/2019 20:50

Do you think that you REALLY want to get back together? If him being nice and helpful is annoying you? Him trying to be better than he was shouldn’t really be irritating, should it?

ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 20:51

You need to tell him clearly instead of messing about with hints. If you can't do that you shouldn't be getting back together.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 20:52

I wouldn't say I'm introverted @RandomMess. Today wasn't so much about me having a break from him, it was more that I want him to know it's ok for him to still go.
I feel like he thinks if he'd gone off to watch football I'd be thinking he's not bothered about me and the kids, but I wouldn't be at all. But maybe that's just my interpretation, my friend pointed out that he may just not have wanted to go out and instead preferred being with the kids.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 20:54

it was more that I want him to know it's ok for him to still go

So tell him that instead of expecting him to read your mind and trying to read his.

Yetanotherwinter · 26/12/2019 20:55

God the poor blokes on mumsnet. Damned if they don’t try, damned if they don’t.

ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 20:56

Yes, poor men. Boo hoo.

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 20:57

Well tell him that "you know it's still ok for you to go out with your mates/go to Footie. If for some reason I don't want you to go I will tell you I'm not ok with it and why?"

You could do with couples counselling to learn to communicate better. To learn that each other expressing their wants isn't an attack or criticism.

TBH good communication is really hard to learn and instill if you've had past issues.

dudsville · 26/12/2019 20:59

Hmm, I think he's wooing you, and if you're feeling annoyed rather than woo'd it doesn't seem like a good fit.

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