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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him he’s trying too hard?

53 replies

GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 19:47

Or more would I be unreasonable to do so, as I haven’t said anything yet.

Recently separated but we’re on the verge of getting back together.
I feel like he’s trying too hard to be the perfect partner and father. I don’t want to upset him, he’s being really lovely but it feels too much. I don’t know if I’m just being a moody cow though. And I know if he wasn’t making any effort at all I’d be annoyed too, so maybe he can’t win either way.

But would I be unreasonable to tell him he’s trying a bit too hard and if not, what’s a nice way to say it?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2019 20:59

If you can’t communicate properly there’s no point.

You need to sit down and go:

Ok DH - lets chat about plans for the next few days. When are you seeing your friends? When will we see family. I’d like X day alone with kids, is that ok?’ etc.

If you can’t have proper conversations then seriously, no point.

OldSpeclkledHen · 26/12/2019 21:00

With men, it's no good hinting.

Just say what you want or mean.

I've just asked a bloke see... they're simple creatures.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 21:02

I did @ohwheniknow. When he said he wasn't going, I said it was ok if he wanted to go, I'm meeting my friends tomorrow.

The problem is I feel like we're out of sync and I know how much he wants another chance so he'd probably do about anything I asked right now. I want him to be nice and us spend time together but just normal nice, where he's still himself and doing his own thing too.

I guess that's my question though. Am I unreasonable to say that? And how do I say it nicely?

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 21:02

As far as I'm aware, women possess no greater psychic abilities than men. Hmm

ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 21:03

Was he not nice before? Confused

damnthatanxiety · 26/12/2019 21:07

pinkyredrose what a weird assumption you make

ScarJo · 26/12/2019 21:07

I remember your previous threads where he was controlling and deliberately stopped you seeing your friends even though you were pregnant and then when you kicked him out he caused you so much stress by deciding to just move back in against your will?

I remember because I was in the exact same situation with my ex husband and was so glad you were free.

Why would you want to get back with him? This is all an act to get his feet under the table. Men like that don't change.

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 21:07

Just tell him what you've written!

"Stop trying to perfect"?

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 21:08

Ok I don't remember your other threads...

Sounds like he's trying to reel you back in then?

Nice then nasty cycle?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 21:10

We are going to have counselling in the new year and I do want things to work. We've had some lovely times together recently and we've definitely still got that spark. I wouldn't be willing to try if that wasn't there.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 21:15

That's why you're being so cagey about why you broke up isn't it? Because you don't want anyone to point out that getting back with an abuser will lead to more abuse.

All abusers do the Mr Perfect act to con you into taking them back, but if you're still afraid to speak up then nothing has changed and you know that.

I'm sure you've already been told never to do joint counselling with someone who has been abusive. It's dangerous and no reputable therapist would ever agree to it.

It's one thing to knowingly screw your own life up, but knowingly screwing your kids' lives up is not ok.

No child comes out of an abusive home undamaged. Inflicting that on them knowingly is unforgivable.

Cacklingmags · 26/12/2019 21:17

You split because he was a cunt and now he is being lovely to get you back. Wants counselling, probably to get you to agree he is not such a cunt after all. He is a cunt, OP.

Dozer · 26/12/2019 21:17

Oh dear.

Couple’s counselling isn’t recommended where there’s abuse.

“The spark” isn’t a good enough reason to get back together if you split up because he behaved v badly / tried to control you.

ScarJo · 26/12/2019 21:18

Exactly @ohwheniknow

I can't get my head round how you went from putting a lock on your bedroom door to getting back with him?

My ex did the exact same act and when I didn't fall for it became the world's biggest twat.

Don't do it to yourself

TimeForNewStart · 26/12/2019 21:19

if you're feeling annoyed rather than woo'd it doesn't seem like a good fit

This. There are many men out there!

bigchris · 26/12/2019 21:21

Oh scarjo hit the nail on the head

This is a really sad thread Sad

ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 21:22

When your broken children are asking you why you failed to protect them, "I felt a spark" is not going to cut it.

RandomMess · 26/12/2019 21:32

Perhaps it all feels too much, fake, not real because it isn't the real him...

This is the fake Mr Nice Guy, until Mr Abuser comes back Sad

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 21:38

I don't think it's him being fake or him trying to get his feet back under the table. That wouldn't work anyway, any sign of that previous behaviour (and it was a very short period within a otherwise good relationship) and he knows it's over and he wouldn't get another chance.
I didn't mention the reason, because there's been a awful lot that's happened in that regard for the both of us. This isn't him just saying "yep, I've changed" and me saying "ok then".

OP posts:
ScarJo · 26/12/2019 21:41

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is 0 op. Short space of time or not you know he has the capacity.

But whatever you're obviously gonna do what you want

Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2019 21:42

Most women complain that the OH doesn't make an effort and leaves them to do everything. You complain that he tries too hard. Just appreciate it - it might not last forever.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 21:42

My children won't be broken @ohwheniknow and they won't ever be asking why I didn't protect them. But thank you, that was extreme helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 26/12/2019 21:50

I completely agree @ScarJo and I won't and didn't accept it. But I don't think it's who he is and I'm willing to give him a chance to prove that.
I'm not vulnerable, in fact he's put measures in place to ensure I'm even less vulnerable. I know I can do it on my own and I know I'll be absolutely fine if I have to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 27/12/2019 11:25

I spoke to him last night and he took it very well and we had a good talk.
In regards to the other stuff, I do understand why posters feel disappointed that I'm giving him another chance and concerned for me. I know I would if it was a friend of mine.
But, there was a lot of other things going on and while they don't excuse his behaviour and he knows that. I think they could explain why he was acting so different to the normal him and that's why I'm willing to give him a chance.
This chance is on my terms though and will go at the speed I'm happy with. I'm making sure I'm not in a vulnerable position at all, I'll be returning to work and I have full access to all money. The first sign that his previous behaviour is returning, me and the kids are gone and we won't be back. He knows this.

He's a good dad, very hands on with the children and he's a good partner, take away the issues he's always been very supportive and encouraging of me.

OP posts:
ScarJo · 27/12/2019 14:13

Op I know I don't know you IRL and I think I'm projecting because of my own experiences i just have this horrible gut feeling you'll be back in 6 months time having to start again.

Really really hope I'm wrong but keep your wits about you. You left once you can leave again. Glad the talk went well and i wish you all the best for the future.