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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not even bother Christmas next year? MIL just takes over

76 replies

Butttons · 26/12/2019 16:54

AIBU to just not bother next year? Christmas has to be about MIL apparently. Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant.

Every year I look forward to Christmas, plan the DC presents, stockings etc. Every fucking year MIL usurps us by buying them more and more presents. Every year we have to spread the never ending pile out over 3-4 days (yes there are that many of them). This year they got 15 presents each from them. Okay so 10 of them were in a personalised stocking-type bag but still. Sort of threw the stockings we'd done out of the window. What was the point of us even bothering?

Just once I'd like it if Christmas was about what we do for our DC not bloody MIL spoiling them rotten. She's had her chance with her own kids. Why can't we have our chance? I'm sitting here crying in the DC bedroom because they never get to appreciate the gifts we give them. MIL actually took a book I'd chosen for DC6 straight out of her hands before she'd even looked at it because she wanted to look at it.

Poor DH is sick today and has been in bed all day. We went out for the day and when I told her he wasn't going to join us she was really disappointed, not concerned at how he was, disappointed that he wouldnt be spending time with her. She's not asked all day how he is. But she has been talking in such a high pitched voice to the DC that she can only be heard by dogs.

She's so childish, if the attention isn't on her for more than 5 min she practically starts doing cartwheels saying "look at me". The DC dared to open a gift from my parents (DM made them dresses). 5 min later she's on the stairs saying "look at the slinky I got you!!!". Then complaining about how DM can sew and knit (she cant, and feels put out that DM makes clothes for the DC)

FIL has been very sick in the past so I dont think that not spending Christmas with them is an option but I swear I'm going to fucking kill her soon. Thank god they're going on Sunday.

Do you think it would be reasonable to suggest we have 2 Christmases in future? One for her and one for everyone else?

OP posts:

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 16:59

Stick her presents somewhere else and drip feed. Say you didn't want the kids overwhelmed. My sil is the same. Fuck them.

Cryingoverspilttea · 26/12/2019 17:02

Don't let her bring them ffs. Stand up for yourself. And especially don't let her come over around Christmas. Failing that, outright tell her to "fucking well pack it in!".

user1493413286 · 26/12/2019 17:04

My mil does this so this year we told her that she could give DD 2 presents yesterday (same as my DM) and the rest were to be given today. It enabled the gifts I’d carefully chosen to be enjoyed and stopped DD being overwhelmed by them. Having seen today how much she’s got I’m really glad I did it. She might not have been that happy but I got DH on side and it’s worked and I’d say is fair

Original poster

Butttons · 26/12/2019 17:08

Tried that. Every year we tell both sets of parents one gift only. Every year she fucking ignores us. This year she saw the huge pile of gifts after she'd unloaded the car and said "oh that's nothing to do with me!" Maybe I should have just said "in that case I'd better throw them out"

OP posts:

Original poster

Butttons · 26/12/2019 17:10

@Cryingoverspilttea tried suggesting that but with FIL not well every year I think "what if it's his last" and we bottle out of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Butttons · 26/12/2019 17:11

@user1493413286 that's a good idea! My DC are quite fickle and tend to like the first things they open!

OP posts:

Cryingoverspilttea · 26/12/2019 17:14

Imagine after FIL is dead... You'll have her every flippin' year! Deal with it now. Last christmasses mean nothing tbh. Rather have a good rest of the year before I ever pop my clogs. Make the rest of the year good with FIL when they see him and does it really matter about Christmas?

Myyearmytime · 26/12/2019 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 26/12/2019 17:15

Could they delay coming until Boxing Day? You then have Xmas day to yourselves & less time taken up with their visit.

divafever99 · 26/12/2019 17:20

Happens to us every year OP! Dc get overwhelmed and we end up with a houseful of stuff that never gets used. I did get upset the first couple of years when in laws bought more gifts than Father Christmas, but I try these days not to get worked up about it just to keep the peace. You have my sympathies, I have no idea why people do this when 1 or 2 gifts would be more than enough. When I was a child you were given 1 present from family, I'm not sure when all this multiple present buying started!

ASimpleLampoon · 26/12/2019 17:24

My mother is like this. I am NC for many reasons but DC have court ordered contact. I make sure they see her after Christmas whe n their presents from us have been given and the main event is over. D H is taking them the 30th. After the visit I put the plastic tat in a cupboard and only give it if they remember about and ask where something specific is. They never have so it gets donated in february.

woodchuck99 · 26/12/2019 17:24

Your MIL sounds very annoying but I don't think thank you are much better. Surely the main thing is that your children like their presents? Why does it matter if she buys a lot of them?. It saves you money so what's not to like about it?

Elvesdontdomagic · 26/12/2019 17:30

That's a crazy amount of presents! I wouldn't have her over for xmas full stop!

MatildaTheCat · 26/12/2019 17:33

Sounds like death by a thousand cuts.

Definitely have two Christmases. Go to them if possible about a week beforehand and let her have her go. Leave stuff there is possible.

Then go home and have your own Christmas Day in peace.

MyDcAreMarvel · 26/12/2019 17:37

So basically she bought them lots of presents and played with them with a slinky.
You are massively over reacting.

KurriKurri · 26/12/2019 17:37

How many children do you have OP? She must have bought an enormous number of presents if they had 15 each. That is crazy and you are right it does spoil it for you, it completely overwhelms children to have that much and means they can't enjoy the presents they have because they are always being urged to open another or 'look at this, look at that' etc.

I think you have to sit her down and speak to her. Tell her you asked for only one present for a reason, because you don;t want the children to be overwhelmed, and you don;t want them to see granny as just a sluce of presents rather than enjoy her for herself (!). Say you feel that she took over Christmas and you weren;t able to enjoy it with your children. You have to be honest and frank or she will keep doing it.
Don;t worry about her going into a huff or saying her feelings sre hurt - she isn;t worried bout upsetting you be constantly ignoring your wishes.

Explain how future Christmases will be one present for each child. Any more presents than that will be taken and donated to a childrens hospital/refuge/playclub or whatever before they get anywhere near your children. If she wants to spend more money she can donate to a charity.

This isn;t about being loving and generous it is about letting you know that she decides the rules when it comes to your children. She is undermining the way you want to bring your children up.
If she throws a wobbly, tell her you will continue the discussion when she has composed herself and can talk sensibly.

I can't abide this kind of overbearing attitude - why the hell shouldn;t you enjoy your Christmas with your children the way you want ti t be. As you said, she did it her way when she had young children (and I bet she didn't buy them any where near what she is buying yours) now it is your turn and if she comes to yours for Christmas it is done the way you want it to be done.

KurriKurri · 26/12/2019 17:39

Sorry - that was massively long.

SparklyChristmasCandle · 26/12/2019 17:39

I feel your pain. I refuse to spend Xmas with my in laws because it's too ott.

Completely ruins it and dilutes any enjoyment of the presents.

We always buy the dc 5-10 presents. Usually a main one and some smaller bits which will include things like books, pyjamas, small selection box etc, useful stuff but they're always really, really happy with their stash. They then get things from other people, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends.

Trouble is if grandparents buy huge present piles it just becomes a circus, the dc get overwhelmed, it's impossible to keep track of who's given what.

I think you should nip this in the bud now.

GreenGrove · 26/12/2019 17:39

You're their parent, start acting like it and stand up for you and your family for goodness sake!

blackcat86 · 26/12/2019 17:41

If the presents are nice then just save your money and buy your kids less. We knew GPs would spoil our toddler so we only got her 3 presents from us. However, if shes just buying plastic crap then I like the idea of eeking them out. MIL is very similar having to be the centre of attention. we refuse to see PIL on xmas day or have them for main events are our house. I have also accepted that PIL are actually not able to have a conversation - like primary school children they just show you things and Dash off to show you something else, talk over people or divert to something about them. Some distance and observing what is happening really helps. Also avoid alcohol because this makes it so much worse!

KurriKurri · 26/12/2019 17:42

So basically she bought them lots of presents and played with them with a slinky.
You are massively over reacting.

No you are deliberately misreading the OP and subsequent posts.

'She's so childish, if the attention isn't on her for more than 5 min she practically starts doing cartwheels saying "look at me". The DC dared to open a gift from my parents (DM made them dresses). 5 min later she's on the stairs saying "look at the slinky I got you!!!". Then complaining about how DM can sew and knit (she cant, and feels put out that DM makes clothes for the DC)'

She didn't play with a slinky with them she used a slinky she had bought to distract away from the present OP's mother had given because she is jealous and attention seeking. A normal person would say ' ooh yes that's a lovely dress your 'other granny' has made you - isn;t she clever, shall I help you try it on?' not 'look at my present instead'

Original poster

Butttons · 26/12/2019 17:48

@Myyearmytime wow that's a bit extreme! I think she is (mostly) lonely and loves the attention too much

OP posts:

VanyaHargreeves · 26/12/2019 17:50

So basically she bought them lots of presents and played with them with a slinky.
You are massively over reacting

No, basically every year MIL goes to great lengths to top anything the children's DM/DF can do, knowing that her DIL has no choice but to be grateful and polite in front of the children

Additionally, she then distracts and detracts at every opportunity from their gifts from "Father Christmas" to her own.

If this is annual then I am not surprised OP is deflated.

I got a taste of Christmas Future myself yesterday, as a family member interrupted every conversation to bring the attention back on to their DC, often for no reason

I'm already thinking in terms of future proofing.

Original poster

Butttons · 26/12/2019 17:54

@woodchuck99 it's not about the money, it's about what we plan being completely diluted by her. She's NC with SIL now but I remember when their kids were similar age to ours it was like a conveyor belt at Christmas time when it came to presents. I get that she loves them but showering them with gifts when we've specifically asked not to is really frustrating.

The attention seeking is also far more irritating

OP posts:

Original poster

Butttons · 26/12/2019 17:55

@MatildaTheCat that is a great idea. She will be placated by the fact we spend time with her in advance and we can leave or lose some presents as needed

OP posts:

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