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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not even bother Christmas next year? MIL just takes over

76 replies

Butttons · 26/12/2019 16:54

AIBU to just not bother next year? Christmas has to be about MIL apparently. Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant.

Every year I look forward to Christmas, plan the DC presents, stockings etc. Every fucking year MIL usurps us by buying them more and more presents. Every year we have to spread the never ending pile out over 3-4 days (yes there are that many of them). This year they got 15 presents each from them. Okay so 10 of them were in a personalised stocking-type bag but still. Sort of threw the stockings we'd done out of the window. What was the point of us even bothering?

Just once I'd like it if Christmas was about what we do for our DC not bloody MIL spoiling them rotten. She's had her chance with her own kids. Why can't we have our chance? I'm sitting here crying in the DC bedroom because they never get to appreciate the gifts we give them. MIL actually took a book I'd chosen for DC6 straight out of her hands before she'd even looked at it because she wanted to look at it.

Poor DH is sick today and has been in bed all day. We went out for the day and when I told her he wasn't going to join us she was really disappointed, not concerned at how he was, disappointed that he wouldnt be spending time with her. She's not asked all day how he is. But she has been talking in such a high pitched voice to the DC that she can only be heard by dogs.

She's so childish, if the attention isn't on her for more than 5 min she practically starts doing cartwheels saying "look at me". The DC dared to open a gift from my parents (DM made them dresses). 5 min later she's on the stairs saying "look at the slinky I got you!!!". Then complaining about how DM can sew and knit (she cant, and feels put out that DM makes clothes for the DC)

FIL has been very sick in the past so I dont think that not spending Christmas with them is an option but I swear I'm going to fucking kill her soon. Thank god they're going on Sunday.

Do you think it would be reasonable to suggest we have 2 Christmases in future? One for her and one for everyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Butttons · 26/12/2019 17:56

@KurriKurri long but very helpful. thank you for the advice

OP posts:
RevolutionofOurTime · 26/12/2019 17:58

I’m sorry but you sound a bit ungrateful. My DCs do not get presents from anyone except us. My parents are dead and DH’s parents don’t celebrate Christmas. It would be lovely for them to receive something from relatives, but my sisters can’t be bothered. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It sounds like most of the presents were small gifts/stocking fillers. We do stockings on Christmas Eve so that spreads the joy over two days. Perhaps consider doing the same?

And since you know MIL is so generous, you can cut back and buy fewer presents in the future.

NomNomNomNom · 26/12/2019 17:59

Your MIL sounds very annoying but I don't think thank you are much better. Surely the main thing is that your children like their presents? Why does it matter if she buys a lot of them?

It would be silly to be competitive about it but I know for my DC if they get a ridiculous big mountain they definitely get overwhelmed and don't really spend time enjoying the gifts. Especially if Mil is always thrusting another one in their face while they're still trying to explore the one they're on.

Pinkblueberry · 26/12/2019 18:01

Charity shop - all still wrapped, I really wouldn’t care less. You’ve said no thank you. She wants to waste her money, so be it.

Limensoda · 26/12/2019 18:04

Sounds to me that everything you are complaining about her applies to you too!
You are an adult!... why does your mil buying them gifts and trying to get attention bother you so much?! Stop taking it personally and focus on something else.....like a real problem.

Bowerbird5 · 26/12/2019 18:04

Could you get her to get tickets...cinema, child ticket for various events to enjoy at another time.

Pinkblueberry · 26/12/2019 18:06

I’m sorry but you sound a bit ungrateful. My DCs do not get presents from anyone except us. My parents are dead and DH’s parents don’t celebrate Christmas. It would be lovely for them to receive something from relatives, but my sisters can’t be bothered.

Those are two opposite ends of the spectrum though and it doesn’t have to be either/or. It’s tough when family don’t make any effort but it’s also annoying when a family member buys so much that it takes multiple days to open everything. It’s not ungrateful to not want more stuff than you can actually store sensibly in your house and it’s completely overwhelming for the kids. I’d be miffed about this too, especially when OP has repeatedly asked MIL not to go overboard. It’s disrespectful - it has nothing to do with generosity, MIL is very much making a point here.

whiskey03 · 26/12/2019 18:14

But they are not your presents to give away unless for some reason they are inappropriate to the age of the child or unsafe.. Its unfair to children who have the right to their things my mother did similar to this 30 years ago and it's still makes me angry when I think about it.

Original poster
Butttons · 26/12/2019 18:23

@RevolutionofOurTime sorry for your situation. I am thankful for their love most of the year. I do try not to be ungrateful at Christmas but its the deliberate ignoring of our requests that gets to me.

OP posts:
Whatnameisgood · 26/12/2019 18:34

I second the people advising to tell her that if she gives more than 1 presents they are goung to a charity shop/children’s refuge, then follow through!

MerchantOfVenom · 26/12/2019 18:57

But she has been talking in such a high pitched voice to the DC that she can only be heard by dogs.

You REALLY don't like her, do you?!

Crying in the DC's bedroom because they got too many Christmas presents is completely ridiculous, sorry, but it is.

I get that this is clearly very frustrating for you, but you are letting yourself get wound up into fever pitch by it, making it all so, so much worse for yourself.

Picking up on every little thing she does wrong, regardless of how inconsequential it is, and allowing it to annoy the shit out of you.

You know what she's like. So instead of letting it come at you, either back off, leave her to it, or prepare ahead of time, and deal with it.

It seems to me that you're determined not to like or get on with her, which is always going to make it much worse than it needs to be.

woodchuck99 · 26/12/2019 18:58

@woodchuck99 it's not about the money, it's about what we plan being completely diluted by her.

I know it's not about the money.I'm saying that your main concern seems to be yourself rather than whether your children like their presents and in that respect you're not much different to your MIL.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 26/12/2019 18:59

But they are not your presents to give away unless for some reason they are inappropriate to the age of the child or unsafe.. Its unfair to children who have the right to their things my mother did similar to this 30 years ago and it's still makes me angry when I think about it.

I disagree. Sometimes too much really is too much. Sometimes there's no room for 'more' for the sake of 'more'. Sometimes parents step in when they recognise that an unhealthy someone is using gifts to buy affection, one up others and parents have the right to try to put a stop to it.

Perhaps some parents are just unkind, but I think most have their children's best interests at heart.

Monkeymilkshake · 26/12/2019 19:00

Stand up for yourself. Just say " we said only 2 presents per DC"; pick 2 out of the pile and tell her she can keep the rest.
There are other ways to show your love to your grand children.

MerchantOfVenom · 26/12/2019 19:00

That's very much the vibe I'm getting too, woodchuck.

Majorcollywobble · 26/12/2019 19:03

YANBU
She’s making it all about her . She like the Grinch who takes over Christmas and ruins it in a different way .
We gave our 3.5 yr old GS cash in an envelope and a small under the tree present - he was delighted .

MerchantOfVenom · 26/12/2019 19:04

Sometimes parents step in when they recognise that an unhealthy someone is using gifts to buy affection

Oh for heaven's sake - we don't know MIL is trying to 'buy anyone's affection'!

Taking kids' presents off them as a means of punishing the gift-giver, is beyond Grinch-like.

There is nothing to suggest the MIL, albeit as annoying as she may be, is anything other than a generous granny. Confused

FML, this thread....

woodchuck99 · 26/12/2019 19:08

She’s making it all about her

Just as OP is making it all about her.

VanyaHargreeves · 26/12/2019 19:12

They are OPs DC and presumably gifts she's worked hard to pay for and thought hard to choose, I'm not saying that this is not so of the MIL but the MIL has had these years before, and the OP deserves the joy of her children's faces and the satisfaction of a job well done, no?

newbingepisodes · 26/12/2019 19:14

My mil was the same. I told her over and over again to stop buying so much. It wasn't about the cost or anything to do with what we bought, I just didn't want the kids thinking a massive pile was the norm and I didn't want it all in my house.
When she ignored me yet again. I put it all in a bag and said "these can all be stored at your house", made her take them home. She finally got the message after a couple of bdays when her house was full of crap and the kids don't play with it all cuz they are in nursery / school all week!

Nicknacky · 26/12/2019 19:19

I am so so glad my husband doesn’t mind that my dad buys so many presents for my kids that we have two Santa rooms in our house on Christmas Eve.

It doesn’t take away from the presents we have bought and he gets such joy picking them for the girls. He certainly wouldn’t cry about it.

TonTonMacoute · 26/12/2019 19:26

Take a deep breathe and count to 10, you can only deal with this situation calmly and quietly.

Observe how many presents were wasted, not played with, broke etc. Keep an eye out for signs that the DCs are actually overwhelmed, maybe they will get fed up when she tries to get them to stop what they are doing to come and look at something else.

Every time this happens point it out, comment how there are too many presents and they cannot all be played with, what a waste, oh look they don't seem to be very interested in that.

Just keep gently drawing her attention to the fact that you can give too much and how pointless it is, the DCs aren't going to love her more because of it, then perhaps later next year you can remind her about it all and encourage her to be more sensible.

Don't get upset, it's just not worth it. You will feel crap but it won't change anything.

Wine also helps!

woodchuck99 · 26/12/2019 19:27

They are OPs DC and presumably gifts she's worked hard to pay for and thought hard to choose, I'm not saying that this is not so of the MIL but the MIL has had these years before, and the OP deserves the joy of her children's faces and the satisfaction of a job well done, no?

If they like the presents she will experience "the joy" on their faces.

RuffleCrow · 26/12/2019 19:34

You need to stand up to her OP. No-one else is gonna do it for you. It sounds like she has strong narcissistic traits and there are very few communication techniques that work with these types.

You'll need to learn to be very clear and direct in your communication with her and be prepared to keep coming back to your topic as she Deflects, Attacks and Reverses what you try to communicate.

There are books thay can help: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. You will need to learn to stay on message and use the broken record technique whatever tantrums and accusations she throws your way. Good luck - it will be worth it in the end.

gingersausage · 26/12/2019 19:36

Why on earth are you crying over your kids having loving, generous grandparents? I bet if it was your mother doling out the mountains of presents you wouldn’t be half as bothered.

If you know she’s going to bring loads of stuff, then rather than acting like a child and turning it into a ridiculous competition for your children’s affection, save your own money for something else.