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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not even bother Christmas next year? MIL just takes over

76 replies

Butttons · 26/12/2019 16:54

AIBU to just not bother next year? Christmas has to be about MIL apparently. Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant.

Every year I look forward to Christmas, plan the DC presents, stockings etc. Every fucking year MIL usurps us by buying them more and more presents. Every year we have to spread the never ending pile out over 3-4 days (yes there are that many of them). This year they got 15 presents each from them. Okay so 10 of them were in a personalised stocking-type bag but still. Sort of threw the stockings we'd done out of the window. What was the point of us even bothering?

Just once I'd like it if Christmas was about what we do for our DC not bloody MIL spoiling them rotten. She's had her chance with her own kids. Why can't we have our chance? I'm sitting here crying in the DC bedroom because they never get to appreciate the gifts we give them. MIL actually took a book I'd chosen for DC6 straight out of her hands before she'd even looked at it because she wanted to look at it.

Poor DH is sick today and has been in bed all day. We went out for the day and when I told her he wasn't going to join us she was really disappointed, not concerned at how he was, disappointed that he wouldnt be spending time with her. She's not asked all day how he is. But she has been talking in such a high pitched voice to the DC that she can only be heard by dogs.

She's so childish, if the attention isn't on her for more than 5 min she practically starts doing cartwheels saying "look at me". The DC dared to open a gift from my parents (DM made them dresses). 5 min later she's on the stairs saying "look at the slinky I got you!!!". Then complaining about how DM can sew and knit (she cant, and feels put out that DM makes clothes for the DC)

FIL has been very sick in the past so I dont think that not spending Christmas with them is an option but I swear I'm going to fucking kill her soon. Thank god they're going on Sunday.

Do you think it would be reasonable to suggest we have 2 Christmases in future? One for her and one for everyone else?

OP posts:
Karenisbaren · 26/12/2019 19:37

Am I the only one that thinks its lovely that a nanna wants to spoil her grandchildren?

woodchuck99 · 26/12/2019 19:41

Am I the only one that thinks its lovely that a nanna wants to spoil her grandchildren?

No. The MIL does sound annoying but overall I would be thinking I could save some money.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 26/12/2019 19:43

DM and my aunt used to do this. I told them: "One big present is better than lots of little ones." It's worked. In fact, they both gave them money this year.

FREEM · 26/12/2019 19:46

we have a situation a bit like this with my mum at Xmas... and all other times.
but in terms of her controlling everything not lots of presents but insisting all goes her way.
pisses me off

BlueJava · 26/12/2019 19:48

Why not have 2 Xmas days? One at home just with you, DH and the DCs then another perhaps a couple of days later at MILs? That was you get some quality time with DCs and their stockings and she get her day.

Gentleness · 26/12/2019 19:48

Spoiling a child with love, time, true attention and fun is absolutely fine. Spoiling a child with wrapped presents is nothing like that. A few carefully chosen presents mean so much more than a mountain of stuff that clutters up your living space and your brain. I'm with you on saying a limited number and have had to do the same on both sides of our family. It's taken years, but it is making a difference now, mainly because I started being over honest about how stressful I found the prospect of bringing all the presents home and finding places for them all. And how the kids were learning that things don't matter because there'll always be more. That got through in a way that a direct request didn't. You have my sympathies.

hifolks · 26/12/2019 19:50

Is this person unwell? Has she no comprehension of the world outside?

hifolks · 26/12/2019 19:51

doling out the mountains of presents you wouldn’t be half as bothered.

no kid needs or wants a mountain of presents. Its vile.

RuffleCrow · 26/12/2019 19:54

It's not about spoiling them, it's about maintaining control as though they were her own dcs and rendering the OPs own efforts superfluous. The OP isn't daft, by the sounds of things. We all know how it feels to be around someone generous and we all know how it feels to be around someone controlling. They're not easy emotions to confuse! Hmm

Babybel90 · 26/12/2019 19:58

So this is exactly why we don’t have Christmas with the in-laws, MIL is exactly as you describe, thousands of tat presents and expensive ones that top ours, she actually asks what everyone’s spent to make sure she’s spent the most! One year my Granny sent me £1,000 because she’d come into a little bit of money and wanted to share it, but MIL couldn’t be outdone so she had to give DH £1,500 and make sure everyone knew about it, pathetic!

We see them the weekend before Christmas where she insists on cooking a Christmas dinner, despite the fact she can’t cook and doesn’t like cooking, so it’s always revolting and gives you stomach cramps for days afterwards. She hovers over you stuffing more and more food on your plate and getting upset if you don’t eat it all.

We take the presents home, open them and discard the ones we don’t want DD to have (and keep them to give as presents to birthday parties throughout the year) and rewrap 3 or 4 to give DD on Christmas Day so she’s not overwhelmed.

Stephminx · 26/12/2019 19:58

I think YABU.

I actually don’t think 15 presents is a lot depending on the presents and the age of the kids.

I personally don’t care who gets what for my kids as long as it’s thought out well and appropriate for them. You sound like you are being competitive over the number of presents you get vs then. Surely the important thing is the kids get what they like/want.

And I also dont think it’s wrong for her to want to see the children play with gifts she had got them. If your DM was there and she was activity trying to distract them from her presents that’s one thing, but I always try to focus on the people who are there (for example dressing the kids in outfits bought by the visiting grandparent even if it’s not my taste, playing with toys bought by them etc).

It just sounds to me like you don’t like her.

Karenisbaren · 26/12/2019 20:03

woodchuck99 I would think the same as you lol

Sssneks · 26/12/2019 20:06

Anyone who says you're being unreasonable obviously hasn't dealt with this situation.

This is the exact reason why Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is for me, DH and DD only. We put our foot down and never looked back.

Good luck, OP.

rhowton · 26/12/2019 20:08

My parents LOVE to buy presents. They also have a lot of money! I literally give them a list of expensive presents I know they will love to buy! My kids are absolutely spoilt by them! It's one day! They love your children! They love you! Stop moaning and enjoy that your children are loved xxxx

mbosnz · 26/12/2019 20:10

I remember watching a relative's child crying at the amount of presents they were being (literally) forced to open. It was just too much for them. It was nothing to do with the children, everything to do with the idiot adults. It was cruel, and ignorant.

I'd be another saying - I don't want my kids turned into avaricious entitled materialistic brats, and I'm not prepared to sit here while it's done, regardless of how good your intentions are not.

The rules are that grandparents can buy two presents for each child, up to x amount. Anything more will be withheld, put away, and otherwise disposed of. If you would prefer to buy nothing rather than abide by our wishes, that's absolutely fine too.

woodchuck99 · 26/12/2019 20:18

Anyone who says you're being unreasonable obviously hasn't dealt with this situation.

Rubbish. Some of us are more interested in whether our children have a nice Christmas and are not that concerned with competing for the who can buy the best present award.

Mrsmadevans · 26/12/2019 20:30

She sounds like a histrionic narc tbh , my Mum is one l fear . She's not too bad but everything has to be about her. Crying for attention, has to have her own way, changes every conversation around to her. Hmm
It is very wearing for me, l just let her have her own way because l feel like she guilt trips me if l say anything against her wishes Hmm
Flowers

Myyearmytime · 26/12/2019 22:19

@Butttons
Your SIL is NC
Your mother in law behaves is different
You do not have to this behaver around your kids
Ps i bet she does not have the money to do this either .
@Mrsmadevans
This what think my ex freind has
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

It hard work to be around someone around like and you don't have too. Even though she is your mother.

Littlejets · 27/12/2019 01:02

How old are your DC?? My DC is 4 and after a lot a present opening at my house (all stocking type pressies and she appreciated them all) by the time she got to my parents; she was kind of done. Personally, I'd say just let her crack on, before long they'll get an idea of what she is about anyway. There's no competition apart from her own, revel in that??

BatShite · 27/12/2019 12:10

Am I the only one that thinks its lovely that a nanna wants to spoil her grandchildren?

I think its nice too tbh, though I can see why it would get annoying and maybe feel like shes trying to one up the parents or something.

My aunty used to do this with us when we were young. Had a whole santa sack each full of stuff from her, sometimes 2 each! She was well off, and had no 'family' (she wasn't an actual aunt, she was my grandmas friend, we called all older people aunty/uncle really) or even really friends tbh so she would spoil us rotten. Often we had more off her than from everyone else combined. FIL is a bit like this with my kids now..its a good thing I think. My sister is currently in a situation where her inlaws and that whole side of the family basically ignore her kids at xmas..though of course theres a happy medium between the two!

BatShite · 27/12/2019 12:12

I wouldn't say you were unreasonable as such though. Just..people are different. I can see how some would see it as annoying or whatever. even moreso if its ever been brought up maybe asking her to try reign it in just a little and its made no difference..different strokes for different folks really. Xmas seems a time of heightened stress, at least in our house..so again, can see why it would get so under someones skin if they were annoyed a little by it..

HarrysCode · 27/12/2019 12:28

I think there are two issues here 1) the overbuying of presents which makes the kids overwhelmed and spoils the joy in the presents the parents have bought but 2) and more damaging, the need for OP’s MIL to be the centre of attention and undermine OP and her parents.

I had this issue in my marriage with my SIL who was (and is) a raging narcissist to the point where if I had a party for my kids she would wait in her car outside until everyone was in to make a grand entrance with an outrageously large, ostentatious but usually ill thought out gift (but if there was no party they would get a small cash gift in an envelope weeks late). Even the kids noticed why she was doing it. It’s hard but these people do not improve and it seems like the MIL is giving gifts to make herself the centre of attention rather than from a generous motive. I feel for you OP, can’t you get your DH to stand up to her with you?

ffswhatnext · 27/12/2019 12:35

Mine used to do it. Also ignored the gift limit.
We used to go to hers from Xmas eve to Boxing Day. I’d arrive earlier see the mountain and tell her straight to chose the set amount for each, and she would have to return the rest after Christmas.

First year she came up with a million reasons why not. I made her chose and I packed up the rest. Kids in the house and the excess was taken back to mine and hidden. I gave some away and sold some, the money went into their accounts.

She tried again the following year even though she knew what I had done. She never did it again.

With these people you have to be firm. Have the Dcs out of the house when they arrive and get the excess stashed. Not in the car.

The attention seeking stuff I ignored. Or I would say busy. Taking stuff off the dc’s I would pull her up and tell her to give it back. It’s not nice to snatch things from people

. When the dcs snatched something from her I would say they are copying you, strange how they don’t snatch from others.

Interrupting we would ignore her and carry with our conversation. If she carried on one of us would say, we are talking it’s rude to interrupt.

After the dcs did/said stuff a few times and I wouldn’t pull them up for being rude, it was more manageable.

But in the end the only thing that really worked was going nc with her.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2019 12:37

It's not just the number of presents, it's the monopoly of their attention as well. I can understand it. Take control. When she brings her ridiculous number of presents over, take them and say thank you, as this is a lot of presents and they have a lot to open from everyone let's take a few now and leave the rest until tomorrow 'and don't give her a choice, just do it.

JaJoJe · 27/12/2019 13:29

its MIL money to spend, you dont get a say
its DC gifts to enjoy, regardless of if you like it
and its your own business that needs minding really, dont interfer with the family bonds in you DH family

As long as these gifts aren't wildly inappropriate like cigarettes and pocket knives then there's really no fight to pick, I cant imagine ever taking things away from my DC that where gifted to them without good reason and being 'selfish' and 'jealous' that your not getting the sole praise isn't a good reason.