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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to do about this situation

71 replies

Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 16:38

I have a very fraught relationship with my parents, but they don’t see it like that. They’ve always been very controlling and toxic in a lot of ways, I didn’t realise this until I started having therapy as an adult. A lot of my problems stem back to how they brought me up.
Anyway, I’ve come back here for Christmas to stay with them for a week (I moved away 6 years ago). And it’s been difficult for some of the time, as it normally is. We have my one year old with us too , which makes it doubly stressful.

I posted a comment on a toxic parent Facebook page which had quoted something about feeling trapped and overwhelmed at Christmas time visiting family. I thought it was a private group, but I realised I’d posted on the wrong group when my mum just told me she’d seen it and started crying saying how hurtful it was and stormed off. Now I don’t know what to
do. They’ve now said they’re upset and disappointed with me after how much effort they’ve put in and how much they’ve done for us etc etc.
We are here until Sunday as we have a specific train ticket and that was over £100 anyway, so I can’t afford a ticket for an earlier train for us both...

Any ideas? I’m feeling a bit shaken up as I’ve never really approached them about it before, even though the counseller encouraged it.

OP posts:
WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 26/12/2019 16:42

Fb is never private. Even in a private group. Anyone in your family could join the same group and see your comments.

You could use this to have a frank conversation with your parents about your relationship but only if you think they will actually be open to changing things. If they won’t be then don’t even go there. Just apologise that they are hurt and that you hadn’t intended for them to see the comments- and tbh- id find a way to leave.

SauvignonBlanche · 26/12/2019 16:43

Have you deleted it, do that first, then talk to them.

mrsbyers · 26/12/2019 16:43

Use the opportunity to have a chat with your mum , you can’t change the past but you can the future and make for much happier times visiting with your little one

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 16:45

I’ve just tried talking to them and they won’t let me speak, are being very passive aggressive and won’t let me say my piece as usual. Saying how selfish and unfeeling etc I am.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 16:46

Oh no. Flowers

I would have a heart to heart. It might be a good chance to get some things off your chest? Don't let you emotions take over. Stay constructive.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 26/12/2019 16:47

Ok don’t become a child just because you’re back in your parents home. Yes it’s their house and yes they’re your parents but you are actually an adult now and you get to decide when you talk. Not them. Stand up for yourself. Say what you want to say. But also leave.

Cobblersandhogwash · 26/12/2019 16:47

Can you just give up?

Can you walk away after your visit? Detach and hugely reduce contact.

It seems to me you'll never be able to come to some sort of resolution.

For the rest of your time there, I would just carry on being light, easygoing, chatty and friendly. Ignore their mood if they're not willing to discuss anything with you.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 16:48

Just seen update, it might be a bit soon..can you go to the pub or cinema for tonight and talk when they've calmed down?

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2019 16:49

If they won't listen to what you have to say then maybe you need to find a way to leave
and put some space between you. Over time you could try again. They may listen to you another time when they have had time to calm down and think about it.

iforgotthatyouexisted · 26/12/2019 16:50

Tricky with a little one but could you go out somewhere for a bit as the PP said?

Would your parents read a letter? Either now or after you have left, explain how you feel and that you'd like things to be different.

Angrywife · 26/12/2019 16:51

First off apologise that they have seen it and acknowledge how upset they must be.
Secondly tell them you are also upset and you would appreciate the opportunity to tell them why.
If they don't allow you that opportunity, say that you will speak to them when they acknowledge you as an adult and are prepared to listen to them.
Make sure you do all this as an adult, and not revert to whiny 12yr old girl as we all have a habit of doing when around our parents.
It won't be easy, it will be stressful and they won't acknowledge their behaviour but by asking to discuss it they may. . . may start to treat you more as an adult.
Good luck

Angrywife · 26/12/2019 16:52

**prepared to listen to you

Ohyesiam · 26/12/2019 16:58

When they interrupt day “ This. This is one of the things you do. You don’t let me have a voice “.
They will be in denial about it because unless they are psychopaths they will feel guilt.
Stick to b your guns and tell them how damaging it was.

AllergicToAMop · 26/12/2019 16:59

It's not just them who saw it... Everyone on your FB which I assume includes many family members did too. I don't know what happened in your childhood, and I hope you will resolve the issues but I get why they are really angry. Everyone have seen that. And who hasn't most likely had a "omg have you seen x posting about her parents" message. You should leave for the sake of both sides tbh

Zogtastic · 26/12/2019 17:03

Look up “medium chill”. Brilliant strategy to leave their emotions with them and repels any strategies they may use to “hook”. Takes some practice but really works. The reality is is they cared enough about how you felt, they would have taken steps to change already. You would have given off vibes about how you felt for years. They’re probably not capable of what you’re looking for. Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it and you most certainly would have needed it as a child. But, although you naturally want it now, you don’t need it now. Some people have such a toxic impact that even though you don’t want to completely cut ties sometimes meeting in neutral places & not over night helps keeps you emotionally safe.

Not idea if this would work but if you call the rail company and explain the situation, they may have a way of letting you travel on your ticket tonight/tomorrow.

Take care xx

Beautiful3 · 26/12/2019 17:04

Fb is never private. Just delete the comment and apologise. Count down the days until you go home.

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 17:04

The problem is I can’t leave because of the ticket issue. We have money issues at the moment as it is and unfortunately can’t afford a ticket back at this short notice. I just looked them up and they’re £183.00 or £243.00 for us both as we have to go through London.
We just can’t afford that right now.
I’ve gone out for a walk but the tension is unbearable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 17:05

@Zogtastic I’ll look that up. That does sound a lot like them actually.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 26/12/2019 17:08

Give them some space. They are hurt and humiliated.

After a day or two try and talk to them as adults. Do apologize though for the mixup.

Josette77 · 26/12/2019 17:10

Out of curiosity why did you book for a week if you don't enjoy it? Your parents have likely been working hard to feed and host you all week and likely feel like this is a slap in the face.

Mydogmylife · 26/12/2019 17:11

Oh dear op - massive f up on your behalf this time! Learn that any internet posts are NOT private - and yet here you are posting about them again! Please make sure they won't stumble on this thread well.
I get that they may well be toxic as you say, but if it has never been raised with them they must be shocked and hurt. Any chance of using this as a springboard for discussion once things have calmed slightly.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 26/12/2019 17:13

Right well then I agree with giving them some space. Apologise that they saw it, tell them they were never meant to see it and then say “we’ll discuss it later when we’re all calm. Right now I’m going to go out with baby and give you some space.” Pretend you’re the parent. Take charge of the situation. Then when you are ready to talk tell them why youve had to seek out support online- because they won’t let you speak or acknowledge the issues. If they refuse to engage or point fingers at you then accept that is who they are and just be out of the house as much as you can until Sunday. Don’t be drawn into arguments or a Blame game.

JemSynergy · 26/12/2019 17:14

Anywhere you see an earth near any post or page, it means it is public. I never ever post on those pages as everyone on your facebook page will potentially see it.

ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 17:15

They're abusers. They deserve to be hurt and humiliated.

Daisy7654 · 26/12/2019 17:15

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