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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to do about this situation

71 replies

Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 16:38

I have a very fraught relationship with my parents, but they don’t see it like that. They’ve always been very controlling and toxic in a lot of ways, I didn’t realise this until I started having therapy as an adult. A lot of my problems stem back to how they brought me up.
Anyway, I’ve come back here for Christmas to stay with them for a week (I moved away 6 years ago). And it’s been difficult for some of the time, as it normally is. We have my one year old with us too , which makes it doubly stressful.

I posted a comment on a toxic parent Facebook page which had quoted something about feeling trapped and overwhelmed at Christmas time visiting family. I thought it was a private group, but I realised I’d posted on the wrong group when my mum just told me she’d seen it and started crying saying how hurtful it was and stormed off. Now I don’t know what to
do. They’ve now said they’re upset and disappointed with me after how much effort they’ve put in and how much they’ve done for us etc etc.
We are here until Sunday as we have a specific train ticket and that was over £100 anyway, so I can’t afford a ticket for an earlier train for us both...

Any ideas? I’m feeling a bit shaken up as I’ve never really approached them about it before, even though the counseller encouraged it.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 17:16

Are you in the Stately Homes thread, op? You might get appropriate support there.

ohwheniknow · 26/12/2019 17:18

Daisy7654

Something wrong with your ability to read? Or are you just an abuse enabler?

Mydogmylife · 26/12/2019 17:19

@ohwheniknow
Biscuit

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 17:23

@Josette77 I feel bad that they don’t get to see their grandchild a lot because we live so far away.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2019 17:26

Really careless of you to post on a public site. Obviously they may be toxic, but surely the issue is between you and your DPs, not for everyone else who knows your DPs to be reading. Try apologising to them and now it’s out in the open, use it as an opportunity to discuss your feelings with them to repair the matter.

NotSureWhoIAmToday · 26/12/2019 17:30

Is there an AirBnB or hotel nearby that is cheaper than the train excess? £40 per night in a travel lodge for a room for say Fri/Sat night maybe preferable (so £80 rather than £200+). Though tbh I would be inclined to just suck up the train fare if there is anyway you can. Is is £243 for a new ticket - or to change yours?

kateandme · 26/12/2019 17:35

could you write a letter and leave on their pillow to read tongiht.dont be accusing or angry.just explain in really 'loving' yet factual terms.
mention the facebook comment not being hurtful just childhood,life it all brings stuff up when back in the home and not just because of them but who you are and how you felt about things in life.
that you want to talk to them,you hate to ever fall out with them and love them thats why you came.so can you talk.over coffee and lets sort this.because you do love them and need them.
and ask them not to let something written out of every context break things between you.because nothing written down is ever easy to sort throug unless you can now talk.
be honest.

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 17:36

I actually thought it was a private group. I do feel pretty selfish at this point, even though over the years I’ve found our relationship very difficult.

OP posts:
Zogtastic · 26/12/2019 17:37

Look up FOG...fear obligation guilt...you are not responsible for meeting their needs. It is hard to undo a lifetime of believing you must not consider your own feelings but with knowledge and noticing it is possible. Ideally you would do it so it didn’t hurt them but even if you did In the best way possible they’d still be unhappy and not want to understand your point of view.

If I saw my children post on Facebook about how toxic they found me...I would be hurt...but that would not be my priority...helping my child would be. This situation is just highlighting what already exists...your one action hasn’t caused this.

If you were truly truthful...then the truth hurts sometimes. You can only be truthful...but don’t waste energy getting people who aren’t interested in what you feel to understand your point of view...believe me that way stomach churning pain lies...I’ve tried...acceptance is key here. How they are, how that makes you feel. You are no longer a child, you are no longer stuck in this long term.

Call the rail company...keep asking to speak to someone more senior until you speak to someone who has the authority to make an exception for you. Be factual...I’m in a sticky situation, my parents have kicked off, I need to get my baby and me home, I have a ticket but it’s not valid till the weekend, I can’t afford another one, is there a process for exceptional circumstances like this where I can ask someone for a transfer to another train.

Zogtastic · 26/12/2019 17:40

Ps it’s ok to be put yourself first in your own life... viewed at its worst it is only a tiny mistake at most. You didn’t knowingly endanger someone’s life. Humans make mistakes, all the time. You didn’t mean to hurt them, you’re sorry you did...but you can’t take back what you wrote because it’s the truth. Yes it would have been hurtful to them...but their hurt isn’t more important than yours. The pattern of “how dare your emotional needs” be uncomfortable for them is historical...

FFSFFSFFS · 26/12/2019 17:43

pop onto outofthefog.com - you'll get some helpful advice there.

My mother would go full waif if this happened - rather than thinking oh HANG ON - have I done something to make my child feel like this.

This could actually be a great turning point in moving away from them!

FFSFFSFFS · 26/12/2019 17:44

because you do love them and need them

christ. Don't tell them that.

You don't need them. And if they were toxic you very well might not love them either!

andyjusthangingaround · 26/12/2019 17:48

@Namechange2306
Hmmmm... you really screwed it up, didn’t you? 😔

I am with the PPs who say get FB post down, you should have known better! Regardless what happened in the past, based on your post they handed you the olive branch and hosted you and your DC

I have some (—lot—)experience with toxic parents who were not nice people.... and it impacted my life, but can still be civil around them. Be the ‘bigger,better’ person.

I would sit down with them. And this is what I would do if I were you:

  • go for a walk
  • think about what you want to tell them,
  • then find a suitable time (soon) like after tea
  • and ask them to have this chat with you
  • starting with an apology about the post, then following with the reasoning
Without the attitude you have now!

It’s not easy, but as you said you have no option to leave. Why not try to make it better ☺️
Ego never won a war!

Coughsyrupsucks · 26/12/2019 17:54

If it’s a public group, has she now read everything else you’ve ever posted on there? Or did you just post to the wrong group?. If it’s the former you might want to delete everything you’ve put in there, before she finds it?

What has your councillor said about talking to them? Has she given you any strategies?

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 18:02

@Coughsyrupsucks No it’s a one off mistake. I’ve never done it before. I feel awful as it is.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 26/12/2019 18:05

I feel bad that they don’t get to see their grandchild a lot because we live so far away.

If your parents were so toxic that you needed therapy in adulthood, why on earth would you want them having a relationship with your child? Is there a bus service that could get you home cheaper than a train? If you are going to stay you need to tell them how they have affected you. It will be awkward but at least you can leave them with a weight off your shoulder and if they kick off then you'll know just to stay away.

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 18:09

@Drum2018 I think it’s the FOG - so I’ve been told in the past - Fear Obligation Guilt

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 26/12/2019 18:09

That’s not being passive aggressive is being offended.

ChristmasCroissant · 26/12/2019 18:11

What lead you to therapy in the first place, OP, because it doesn't seem to have been your parents?

If you've never spoken to them about your feelings, but now you've posted comments on a FB group that potentially other family members have seen as well as your parents, yes I can see why they are hurt. And you still haven't spoken to them about it but are happy to stay with them?

If you really meant what you said you need to find a way to leave.

AJPTaylor · 26/12/2019 18:14

Coach?

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 26/12/2019 18:14

There's two issues. Your toxic relationship and you posting on a public group. I think you should deal with them separately.

Could you write them a letter or card? Apologise for posting on the group. Explain it was a mistake. You've never publicly criticised them before, you're horrified you did it and you understand how hurtful it was for them. Also add that you bring DC to see them and hope you can be civil to each other for DCs' sake.

Then, if you want, you can add that you're seeing a counsellor and it's brought up a lot of issues that you'd like to discuss with them at some point.

Getoffmylilo · 26/12/2019 18:15

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

As another poster said the Stately Homes conversation on here is excellent and really supportive.

I also think the Medium Chill technique is a good one, if only to try and calm things down. Then if the time is right before you leave you could try and have a conversation with them, but you can't control how they react to anything so be cautious and have a a very clear idea of what you want to say.

3rdNamechange · 26/12/2019 18:21

can you go to the station and see if you can change your ticket ?
Are there any coaches ? usually they are much cheaper .

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 26/12/2019 18:25

You need to suck it up and eat humble pie - you shouldn't post something in a social media page that you wouldn't be prepared to say to someone's face. They have every right to be upset With you.

Original poster
Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 18:30

I do feel awful. But I’m now thinking maybe we should go low contact as we’ve always struggled with our relationship.

OP posts: