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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure what to do about this situation

71 replies

Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 16:38

I have a very fraught relationship with my parents, but they don’t see it like that. They’ve always been very controlling and toxic in a lot of ways, I didn’t realise this until I started having therapy as an adult. A lot of my problems stem back to how they brought me up.
Anyway, I’ve come back here for Christmas to stay with them for a week (I moved away 6 years ago). And it’s been difficult for some of the time, as it normally is. We have my one year old with us too , which makes it doubly stressful.

I posted a comment on a toxic parent Facebook page which had quoted something about feeling trapped and overwhelmed at Christmas time visiting family. I thought it was a private group, but I realised I’d posted on the wrong group when my mum just told me she’d seen it and started crying saying how hurtful it was and stormed off. Now I don’t know what to
do. They’ve now said they’re upset and disappointed with me after how much effort they’ve put in and how much they’ve done for us etc etc.
We are here until Sunday as we have a specific train ticket and that was over £100 anyway, so I can’t afford a ticket for an earlier train for us both...

Any ideas? I’m feeling a bit shaken up as I’ve never really approached them about it before, even though the counseller encouraged it.

OP posts:

IdiotInDisguise · 26/12/2019 18:31

I think you have two options, apologies and do some grovelling or change the ticket. You cannot use/stay with people you openly dislike for the sake of not spending more money.

Madhatterhouse · 26/12/2019 18:32

Can you get a coach back? Will surely be cheaper?

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2019 18:33

Do you think some part of you hoped they'd read your post?

Original poster

Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 18:33

@Idiotindisguise I realise that, it’s a difficult situation and one that’s causing me a lot of anxiety. I have apologised. I have said I shouldn’t have posted it on there, however I also said that I’m allowed to feel those things. I just shouldn’t have posted them online.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechange2306 · 26/12/2019 18:35

My therapist told me to create clear boundaries and to cut contact or go low contact, as some of the things that have happened in the past have been bordering on emotional abuse, I never realised until I started therapy though.

OP posts:

thickwoollytights · 26/12/2019 18:38

My therapist told me to create clear boundaries and to cut contact or go low contact,

Why are you with your parents for a week, bearing in mind the above advice ?

ArranUpsideDown · 26/12/2019 18:44

If you're stuck it might be worth checking YHA for seasonal deal membership and if there's somewhere local you could go (a lot of places have a good discount off the usual price at present).

www.yha.org.uk/

ArranUpsideDown · 26/12/2019 18:46

Agree with 3rdNameChange that it might be cheaper to look at coach options. Is your train ticket non-refundable if you don't use the return part of it?

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 26/12/2019 18:47

Were you trying to prove your therapist wrong?

Was the FB post part of you coming to terms with your therapist being right?

AnyFucker · 26/12/2019 18:49

Medium chill is the way to go

I hadn't realised that there is a name for the way I have been handling my toxic parents for years

GoodDogBellaBoo · 26/12/2019 18:51

They are obviously extremely hurt and humiliated. Everyone has seen it, not just them. You need to apologize. Not many people’s childhood are perfect, something you probably will understand yourself when your child is a teenager or adult. Most people just do their best.

Juliette20 · 26/12/2019 18:51

I don't get why people are telling her to apologise. Sounds like the OP's parents should be apologising for their parenting. If they don't want the world and his dog to know, tough shit, fucking diddums for them. Perhaps they shouldn't behave like toxic shits if they don't want people to think badly of them. Fuck them, OP, and all who sail in them.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 26/12/2019 18:52

It doesn’t really matter if you can afford to leave or not. You are a guest in their home and they might not want you there anymore. So it is not up to you, which it sounds like you think it is.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 26/12/2019 18:53

Get a coach home if possible. Treat the loss of money as what we in this house call a "stupid tax". Stupid to go for a week (or even one overnight) and stupid to post on FB. Not the worst stupids you could have done.

There is a cost now. If you leave then the cost is in money. If you stay then the cost is in mental wellbeing. Which is harder for you to build back up over the next month: money or confidence?

IdiotInDisguise · 26/12/2019 18:54

Love that “stupid tax” analogy.

I guess we need to take responsibility for our own actions.

IdiotInDisguise · 26/12/2019 19:00

Namechange... how qualified is your therapist? She shouldn’t be suggesting those options herself.

As you I have toxic parents but there are two ways therapists deal with it “it is all your parents fault how on Earth did they dare to damage you like that” and “what happened to you doesn’t define who you are, what do you think you can do to feel better or get out of this situation?”

If your therapist is like the former, find another one before they make you perceive your whole life as a bag of shite.

Mydogmylife · 26/12/2019 19:52

@IdiotInDisguise
Totally agree , there's a bit of an element of 'my therapist says' rather than really thinking about what's been said

bigchris · 26/12/2019 20:01

Completely agree, no idea why people are going on about the fb thing when you've coped with emotional abuse it was an accident , dontbeat yourself up, you've apologised xx

GoodDogBellaBoo · 26/12/2019 21:13

OP didn’t even think of it as abuse until her therapist told her. The therapist sounds crap at her job, should not have said it like that.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 26/12/2019 21:14

@IdiotInDisguise spot on.

ChikiTIKI · 27/12/2019 08:29

Sorry about the way you've been treated and about how your Christmas trip has turned out.

I thought advance train tickets could be changed for a 12 pound fee. If your parents cant get on with the visit maybe it would be best to leave. Hope you can come to a solution.

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