To Feel Differently about my Friend?

[Reba0706]

I have a friend who I've known all my life but she is driving me mad with social media posting. She documents every area of her life on instagram and facebook...most days there are pictures of what her and the kids and her husband are up to but she seems to be getting more and more desperate for 'likes'. She has told me that she has subscribed to services that chart your instagram impressions and metrics (Don't understand what this is but I think to do with how many people see your posts) and also a service that tells you when someone follows or unfollows. She's not trying to make a career out of social media - both partners have good jobs. Most days the posts are about the kids and how clever they are - they will pose doing homework and smiling sweetly, playing chess (one is 3) or especially when there are merits from nursery, achievement certificates etc....
There are loads of 'boy done good' posts too about her husband and what things he's done.

I'm sure your question is ....and why does this affect you? Well you'd be right to ask because I'm not sure why I'm quite so annoyed by it but really I don't feel like I know my friend anymore....even though I 'know' her more than ever with her life sharing. The posts I see though are just not the friend I once knew...she used to quietly smash goals and achievements without making it so public and I feel like I've lost some of her. She often texts to ask me if I've seen her latest insta and what did I think? At one point I stopped going on facebook altogether last year for about 5 months and she asked why I'd not been liking her posts and I said I was having a break and she actually fell out with me for a few weeks and then admitted after a while that it was because I wasn't interested in her anymore....and when I asked why she thought this she said because I don't comment on her facebook updates.

Am I being a k*ob?

They say the best sign of a happy relationship is one that isn't all over social media.

And I believe that's true. If she's trying to get every one to like what she's doing and she's making such an effort to be out there rather than just enjoying the moments she's spending with her family then something wrong is afoot.

Before ditching her I'd ask her if there's anything wrong. If she doesn't want to open up to you about it you don't have to make an effort if her only prerogative is getting that sweet dopamine hit from seeing those likes.

I have two childhood friends who constantly post that I just stopped contacting. One posting constant workout pics of her amazing body, the other talking about getting a weightloss attempts and eventual surgery. Kept wondering what they thought about each other’s posts.

They seem to have lost interest in friendships outside of social media. Eventually I decided they don’t want friends, they want an audience. Haven heard a peep from either after I stopped engaging online.

I’d tell your friend “Oh I’m off social media because it became unhealthy for me. It doesn’t make me feel good!” See what she says.

I have an acquaintance on Facebook whose child got sick and vomited several times in the middle of the night. She then posted no less than three different photos of the vomit in the bucket, from three different angles (one obviously standing on a chair for better view). I commented that if you don’t remove these discusting photos I will remove you as a friend on Fb. She took them down.

Social media addiction has measurable effects. You actually release dopamine and it's that hit people are trying to get when they ask you to like their posts etc. www.addictioncenter.com/drugs/social-media-addiction/

I'd maybe have one last attempt to see if she is OK and then distance yourself. IME many of the people posting in the way she does are intensely unhappy and in at least one case, in an abusive relationship. Watch out for that, but really there's not a huge amount you can do so just quietly distance yourself.

Same person also posted a sad selfie immediately after a close relative suddenly passed away, before anyone else had a chance to find out personally.

My best friend posts every day trip, events,school plays and holidays on Facebook even pics of kids poorly checking into hospital when attending for appointments

But she's so lovely in real life and her excuse is keeping memories after having bad things happen last few years ....And lack of phone storage......

bloody hell, this sounds exactly like my friend! Her poor son has had every aspect of his life from babyhood posted on FB. Every milestone is Documented with accompanying photo’s and grades. Every Birthday is announced with gushing messages of how proud she is of him, how good looking he is, how incredibly brainy he is etc etc. I’m sure he is embarrassed. He is incredibly shy and humble. He very rarely posts and never brags. Every social night out, every holiday, every death of a loved one is reported as if it was front page news. The views are ‘breathtaking’, the people ‘awesome’, the air smells of ‘exotic palm groves’ etc, etc, she once in a really pouty voice asked why I never ‘liked’ her FB posts. I couldn’t believe she even noticed! I have hidden all her posts now. I think this type of posting is so narcissistic and self obsessed. I must be getting old and boring .

Might it be a fad and she'll get over it? One of my friends went Pinterest crazy for a while begging me to join so she could send me pins. Er, no.

I just kept saying SM is not my cup of tea and refusing. She's forgotten all about it now.

Perhaps you could announce you're coming off all SM? You might find it a relief.

@Reba0706 no you are not being a knob! I’d say you are very normal and down to earth. She sounds quite awful. I’m in this exact situation with a friend right now.she posts her every move on Facebook and instagram and I find it pathetic. I unfollowed her because I couldn’t stomach it. She then told me she “feels like we’ve drifted apart because I never say or like any of her posts” Just think about how mental that is!! I told her I hadn’t gone anywhere that I was still here (you know, in real life!) but she always seemed so busy on FB and Insta, that was the reason we didn’t catch up. She’s mistaking actual friendship for fake friendship. I call Facebook fakebook, because it’s a farce. I’d let her go. You’re not compatible anymore.

I'd hate to have a friend like that tbh, I know it sounds harsh but I think she's an incredibly vain and shallow person in the way that she needs the world to say "ooh, look at her lovely house, kids, husband etc". I think she maybe needs a therapist but it's not so much a mental health problem, more like a personality problem. The big problem is that it's becoming increasingly common now to be like your friend, living life so publicly and always clamoring for "likes/follows/karma", it's so sad. You sound like a good friend who has been more than patient, I'd cut ties tbh

People who say they do it to keep a record of their lives and for the memories are talking shite. Plenty of us manage to document our memories without broadcasting them to the world.

Besides, there’s always the ‘only me’ privacy setting 🤷🏼‍♀️

My best friend of 20 plus years expected me to comment on each and every one of her photos which she religiously posted on facebook, and she was posting A LOT. She expected me to constantly make comments about her appearance, kids, whereabouts etc.

I just could not come up with enough comments and I did not have time to check FB/comment that often. I felt she was upset about this and felt like I didn’t care or that I was jelaous of her. I really do care for her and I was never jelaous. If she was happy, I was too.

Anyway, she became a grandmother at 37 years old and made this more about herself than about the grandchild. She often wore “fab gramma” t-shirts and made constant “grandma” references to herself.

In the end, I deleted facebook because I didn’t want her to think I was ignoring her photos by not commenting. She never contacted me again.

She sounds addicted and I can see how it would happen. Have you seen the Black Mirror episode “Nosedive”? It exploits this theme of addiction to social approval for superficiality. I can see how it could lure people in, and I could definitely be one of those people so I avoid Instagram, etc all together. As it is I am furious my Uber rating is 4.85 with no explanation where I lost the .15!

Emmmie a best friend? That’s shocking.

@AutomnRose1

Sadly yes. I think to her, likes and comments are so very important and she thinks I must care so little for her if I cannot comment on each photo. She posts dozen photos per day!

I do not know what to say without sounding like a broken record, even if I did have the time to comment.

I wish her all the best though and I miss her.

@Emmmie

I really feel for you

My best friend has helped me out through illness, injury, bereavement. I don’t know even know how to find her on Facebook because I don’t do Facebook.

I hope 2020 brings you a lovely friend!

Urrrgh she sounds awful! Why is the onus on you to constantly tell her how wonderful her and her children are? Does she ever ask you anything about yourself or does she switch off as soon as the subject is about anything other than her? It is not your job to validate her lifestyle. If she's so narcissistic and insecure to check who has liked her status and get the hump when you haven't shown her due deference then you are definitely best off out of it!

@dancingbadger, I am not sure if you were referring to me or the OP, but my friend mostly talked about herself/family.

I had a miscarriage last year. She did say she was sorry, but then immediately proceeded to tell me about her grandchild’s ultrasound findings😕 I felt like she just dismissed me.

@AutomnRose1, thank you for understanding and lovely wishes💐

@Emmmie I was responding to the op, but it sounds equally true of your 'friend'. So sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

@emmmie 20 years and you never heard from her again? That’s awful and sad. I’m glad you don’t feel animosity toward her and that you wish her well. That’s a very mature stance to take even if it hurts. I had an almost identical situation but that’s a whole other thread. Your friend may well grow out of it, look back and realise what a fool she was.

@ilikemethewayiam, thanks for your kind words.
No,I do not hold any animosity towards her...I actually still love her. She has been through a lot and once told me FB is like therapy to her. Someone mentioned earlier that getting likes on a photo can develop into a form of addiction. Maybe my (ex) friend is in this category.

@Featherweight indeed! Two addicts...the sad thing is that of their three children one is only a toddler so just learning the family way....the girl who is 6 is already asking for instagram and has the bum and boobs out duckface pose perfected (thankfully the mum doesn't post many shots of her posing this way) and the oldest who is 8 is quite a shy boy who is clearly quite uncomfortable with the posing and always manages to look a little awkward and very staged. It's so sad for them

@beautifulstranger101 Yeah! She even 'likes' and hearts her own posts!