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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“I didn’t think we were buying for each other”

58 replies

Sazquatch · 26/12/2019 11:32

Anyone else get this from their ‘D’H this year?

I feel so flat, so sad, so unvalued. It’s not even the gift, it’s the sentiment. He didn’t even think to get a token gift from the kids, or give them money to buy me something.

OP posts:

Iprefergin · 26/12/2019 11:33

Seems to be a recurrent MN theme this year :(

Bluerussian · 26/12/2019 11:33

You're not unreasonable. Why on earth did he think you weren't buying for eachother this year?

AhoyMrBeaver · 26/12/2019 11:34

Had you discussed presents for each other at all before Christmas?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2019 11:35

Did you talk about it beforehand? What did you get him?

GrannyBags · 26/12/2019 11:35

What did you get him? Did you say you were cutting down or something to make him think that?

Original poster

Sazquatch · 26/12/2019 11:39

We had discussed it and agreed we wouldn’t be spending loads, so in my head I had a figure of maybe £100. I spent £160 on him on something I knew he really, really wanted. I had intended to spend less, but I wanted to get him something he’d love. I didn’t expect him to spend a lot, but I did expect something.

I think part of the reason I’m so upset is. Cause I didn’t literally every single bit of Christmas prep. He’s taken even less interest than he usually does. He had no idea what the kids were getting apart from their one main thing, he had no idea what a single wrapped parcel under the tree was.

OP posts:

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2019 11:39

He is either lazy, thoughtless and thinks very little of you or he has misunderstood a previous conversation you have had about it. You will know which it is. If it is that he thinks so little of you then you need to think about if your relationship is meaningful in any way or he just treats you with distain. Maybe it is time to think, new year, new life for you.

HarrietThePi · 26/12/2019 11:39

Dp and I agreed to not buy for each other this year so we didn't. It was definitely agreed beforehand though. We both couldn't think of anything we wanted and didn't see any point in buying for the sake of it. We bought presents for our DD and our families and that was it. We said if we see anything we want in the sales we will get for each other then. I would have been upset if he'd decided that on his own and I'd got him something and not got anything though. Is there a background to what happened with you, or did he just surprise you with the "not buying for each other" thing on Christmas day.

Original poster

Sazquatch · 26/12/2019 11:39

Maybe he thought ‘not spending loads’ was a general statement about everyone’s gifts, so the logical place to cut back was on each other. I don’t know.

OP posts:

Littlepond · 26/12/2019 11:40

DH and I always talk about these things - we went for a low budget this year as money is tight so we discussed that, I also like to ask DH what kind of thing he wants. If we weren’t doing presents we would discuss that too.
We do for every occasion to make sure we are on the same page 😂 “are we doing Valentines this year?” “Is it ok to just do cards for our anniversary, money is tight” etc.
Sometimes overt conversations help!

Original poster

Sazquatch · 26/12/2019 11:42

I think he probably did think he wasn’t supposed to buy me anything. I’m just being childish thinking he should have bought a little gift anyway, because that’s what I would’ve done, but it’s important to me and not to him. I’m probably just reading too much in to it.

OP posts:

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 11:42

Common theme with partners who didn't buy anything for their other halves - complete lack of interest in what is going on. Is there a reason why he might be distracted? Pressure at work? Unhappy about something?

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2019 11:42

Sorry cross posted. Sounds like he took very little interest.

HarrietThePi · 26/12/2019 11:44

I don't think you're being childish. I do think your conversation before hand should have been clearer - you spending £160 is a lot imo! And him spending nothing is not what you agreed at all. More importantly is his lack of interest in general. Preparing Christmas for your DC at the very least should be a team effort.

churchandstate · 26/12/2019 11:45

I feel similar, OP. I bought a few things for DH and thought about some little treats for him. He waited until the last possible minute then had me choose something for myself on a rushed shopping trip with our child. He didn’t even put a label on it or put it under the tree.

HarrietThePi · 26/12/2019 11:46

Oh and I don't think the conversation beforehand not being clear was your fault either, in case it sounds like I do. It sounds like he just dropped out of Christmas entirely. What would he have done if your DC had no presents and your family had no Christmas dinner?

Charlieiscool · 26/12/2019 11:47

The thing is Christmas is a big Disney spectacular for some people and doesn’t mean anything to others. I think you have to be really clear with your DP so he gets how you feel. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you but you need better communication to avoid resentment building up.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/12/2019 11:48

I'm a hard faced cow.

I'd say "oops, got that wrong then, no worries I'll return the gift if we aren't buying for each other this year. We can have a proper chat next year about gifts beforehand so we are totally clear".

aroundtheworldyet · 26/12/2019 11:49

He simply doesn’t really care. And he knows it doesn’t really matter.

HomeAlone39 · 26/12/2019 11:49

There should be a support group for this on MN. At the very least for all the women out there who seem to do absolutely everything for Christmas, at a bear minimum you should get a gift from your partner, even if you agree not to give them one!

FuckOffBoris · 26/12/2019 11:50

OK, so agreeing not to spend loads was a) not clear and b) not a licence for him not to get you anything, that is clear, but you are also being unreasonable to have spent so wildly over what you thought you had agreed (and how much do you spend anyway for £100 to be not much?!) and if you had agreed nothing, would also be unreasonable to buy a gift anyway unless perhaps a token bar of choc and you would have been unreasonable to expect him to break your agreement too.

notnowmaybelater · 26/12/2019 11:56

Is this a communication problem?

Some people really don't buy for each other. Where this is actually genuinely mutually agreed it's great, takes pressure off.

Weird dances of not saying what you mean, and saying one thing but expecting another create misery.

I don't know whether your DH is lazy and thoughtless or genuinely misunderstood. Probably both. You both need to communicate better, not only about presents but about everything by the sound of it. Are you on the same page about the scale of Christmas fuss? Is this an issue specific to Christmas or general day to day life?

Annasgirl · 26/12/2019 11:57

Hi OP, I really do not think you are being childish. Reading your updates it seems as if your DH is distancing himself from the family this year and now you see that he is also distancing himself from you.

Really, we always buy something for each other, even if it is just a token of sweets and coffee pods. This year I found a lovely unusual present for DH and was so proud as usually I buy him posh socks or underwear, which he loves but is not really unique. SO he was thrilled with the gift and I was thrilled that for once I had found the quirky gift and I got my usual chocolate etc - but we had set a budget (50) and he knew that DSis and DD had bought me little things I really wanted.

So, your DH has checked out - and you are right to be upset. Today you need to go out alone with him for a walk or coffee and talk it through.

ChristmasSweet · 26/12/2019 12:01

Take back what you got him then. Get a refund and if you want, buy yourself something.

Don't sit there and take it. If he can be a selfish lazy prick, then he deserves nothing. If you sit there and do nothing, you are letting him know it's fine to treat you like shit. If that's what you're fine with and you aren't going to tell him, then there's no point complaining to us. But you should tell him that it's unacceptable and he has a lot to make up to you for this.

timeisnotaline · 26/12/2019 12:03

It doesn’t sound childish at all. Why wouldn’t you be upset and angry at any of these much less all of them?

doing no prep for Christmas entertaining.
no prep for the dc , doesn’t he love them?
no present for you. He just didn’t bother thinking about any of you.

Return the present to him,if you can’t return it give it to someone else who appreciates you . Tell him he is doing birthday presents this year for the dc, you will sit back. Tell him next year for Christmas he is solely responsible for anything related to his family and part of making Christmas special for his own children. If he’s not on board then you’re not sure why he’s still here.

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