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AIBU?

“I didn’t think we were buying for each other”

58 replies

Sazquatch · 26/12/2019 11:32

Anyone else get this from their ‘D’H this year?

I feel so flat, so sad, so unvalued. It’s not even the gift, it’s the sentiment. He didn’t even think to get a token gift from the kids, or give them money to buy me something.

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Yetanotherwinter · 26/12/2019 12:07

He’s not just plucked that thought process of not buying for each other out of thin air. Have you had a discussion about an amount to spend, whether to buy presents etc. If not then you’ve expected him to read your mind re presents. This seems to be a recurring theme on here.

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DickDewy · 26/12/2019 12:08

There are so many awful husbands mentioned on here. I feel sorry for all these women that live with rubbish blokes.

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NorthernLightsInWinter · 26/12/2019 12:08

I would return the £160 gift you got him, frankly, and return it. Selfish arse. And tell him from here on out you'll be giving him half the list for the kids to source and he'll be doing the cooking, cleaning, etc, too.

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WorraLiberty · 26/12/2019 12:09

Sounds like miscommunication to me.

You discussed it and agreed you wouldn't be spending 'loads', yet he seemed to take away from that, that neither of you would be spending anything.

How did that happen do you think?

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notnowmaybelater · 26/12/2019 12:20

There are obviously multiple miscommunications or issues here, but on the specific individual presents one it's absolutely not clear cut that the OP is in the right.

Imagine you'd had a woolly conversation with your sister about not spending much on presents this Christmas and walked away confident you were cutting back on extended family spending and had mutually agreed not to buy each other presents because the whole thing was getting out of hand/ because money was tight for both of you or for whatever reason.

Then your sister rocks up on Christmas Day with a £160 present when you've abided by the decision not to buy for one another.

That's really awkward, but it's the sister who's in the wrong, no matter how nice she is...

The not being involved in the children's presents sounds crap on the face of it, but he was involved in the main presents if I understand correctly? Did he believe that the spending less resolution meant not buying the children lots of presents too, just a main one?

What did the resolution to spend less apply to? Have you ignored it completely while he's taken it seriously?

He probably is lazy, but communication and saying what you mean seems to be the key problem.

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ForkThis · 26/12/2019 12:26

On the flip side, DH and I agreed not to buy for each other this year. We are broke, and had already spent enough doing the kids and obligation family gifts. I felt like proper shit on Xmas morning when he presented me with a gift and I had gotten him nothing.

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HolyGuac · 26/12/2019 12:33

This year you are dissatisfied and disappointed. I don't blame you.
Channel this energy into next year. Write yourself an email / notes page/ letter, with your feelings right now. Put it away for 1st December next year so you can take charge of the situation.
This happened to me quite a few times. Now I write a Christmas list end of November with quite a few items on it, with the understanding that my husband and kids will get me something from the list. I will not wrap my own gifts, they can go off list of they like, but at least I know I will have something I would really like and it makes life easier for them as they have a list of ideas.
This works far better for us, husband doesn't stress about getting me a suitable gift, no one is disappointed at Christmas. It does not have to be expensive. A bath bomb, favourite hair products, book voucher, something for a hobby. Honestly it worked for me!

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LH1987 · 26/12/2019 12:45

I think he probably misunderstood, I don’t think YABU though, I would be really upset. He made the mistake this year, I am sure he won’t do it again! I don’t think it is indicative of him not caring or valuing you though, my DH can sometimes just be a bit thoughtless.

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Oldraver · 26/12/2019 12:49

Sorry but I think he is being a shit, he at the very least could of helped the kids to get you something.

And you are already blaming yourself saying he might of understood. No he didnt give a fuck

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MereDintofPandiculation · 26/12/2019 12:55

How's he taking it? Is he feeling bad because he would have bought you something but refrained because he thought you weren't exchanging gifts? Or was this a defensive reaction to your comments?

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Lunde · 26/12/2019 12:56

Tell him that you can return his £160 gift as he wants to "not do gifts this year" and see how he reacts. He can't have it both ways

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diddl · 26/12/2019 13:00

Not spending loads is £100 which turned into £160?

Bloody hell!

It's shit though that "cutting back" translated into noting at all for you though.

We rarely buy anymore as we just don't know what to get.

But we do state clearly to each other that we won't be buying!

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ineedaholidaynow · 26/12/2019 13:11

Apart from the main presents for the DC, did he do anything for Christmas? Food shop, cook meal, clear up afterwards?

I think there may have been some miscommunication about spending. £160 is quite a lot, if you had said you weren’t going to spend much. Think it should have been clearer on the amount to be spent.

How is he reacting now?

Does he normally get something from the kids for you?

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AhNowTed · 26/12/2019 13:14

No, no miscommunication.

He saw the 'let's not spend too much' as a barely credible excuse to be a selfish prick.

His Xmas consisted of him having to do fuck all.

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Redkatagain · 26/12/2019 13:16

Last year I had said not to get me anything and he didn't. It actually felt special because he listened to me rather than getting something that I didn't want. I got him something he wanted and liked.
So rather than feel sorry for myself it felt good. He then bought me a beautiful day pair of boots when I saw them- in March.

It's worked out really well for me and I can highly recommend an unexpected and expensive gift when you are not expecting it 😀

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ElbasAbsentPenis · 26/12/2019 13:18

This is why Christmas is a big needless pain in the arse for so many. For some people love = great festive effort, and anything less from a partner is understood as contempt, indifference and/or misogyny. Different people (male and female) have different ideas about the importance of various Xmas traditions, particularly at different life stages, which is why everyone needs to be really clear & explicit with one another to avoid heartache all around.

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FaFoutis · 26/12/2019 13:27

This depends on whether he usually bothers.
It might be miscommunication if he made an effort last year, or on birthdays etc.

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Cuteypye · 26/12/2019 13:27

Know how you feel op. My dh didn’t get me anything either. He peeled some potatoes, but that was all that he did towards Christmas dinner, which was for 12 people. I asked him to write the Christmas cards, or help with wrapping pressies. He chose writing cards and he wrote 2! I am completely wiped out today as never stopped yesterday. He wasn’t feeling well today, so had a long lie in this morning, while I went to visit his dad!

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ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 26/12/2019 13:38

Weird dances of not saying what you mean, and saying one thing but expecting another create misery.

This.

Also, if you agree with someone that you won't spend much on each other, and then you spend £160, you're not being 'nice'. Because all you've done is made them feel like they should have reciprocated to that level.

He clearly hasn't bothered, showed no interest in choosing or buying the kids presents, so why did you build an expectation that he'd suddenly surprise you with a thoughtful gift costing £100?

Yes it was shit for him to get you nothing, but your expectations were odd given (a) his form in the run up to Xmas, (b) your agreement not to spend much (which you interpreted as £100!).

Next year have an explicit conversation about it, and stick to whatever you agree in that conversation.

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maisienminnie · 26/12/2019 13:54

what would happen if you told him how you feel?

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howabout · 26/12/2019 13:55

I don't really understand "buying for each other". DH and I have pooled funds so neither of us have any individual money to spend on each other. In practical terms this translates as each of us finding a couple of things we were going to buy ourselves anyway and wrapping them up so the DC see us having parcels to unwrap. Cuts down on a lot of angst and miscommunication. Also both control freaks who don't like other people choosing on our behalf anyway - which helps.

Op I think you and your DH are as bad as each other. Him for not bothering at all and you for bothering far too much.

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Gfplux · 26/12/2019 13:55

Its at this time of year when you find out that they/she/he are not really into you.

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Oldraver · 26/12/2019 14:06

Its at this time of year when you find out that they/she/he are not really into you.

Exactly..it's not about what has been spent but on the thoughfulness of something you would like.

Though I was excited at being bought some poo

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Cherrysoup · 26/12/2019 14:08

Why didn’t you communicate properly? Set a budget? Speak to him??

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2019 14:09

Take his gift back and get a refund as clearly he wasn’t expecting anything.

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