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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset?

54 replies

Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 09:19

After losing my dad several weeks ago, being poorly and really struggling emotionally. I tried to pull myself together yesterday.

I thought I did pretty well- I tried to enjoy my food and have a drink.

My husband has this morning told me that I have ruined Christmas because I am miserable.

Aibu to think this is an absolutely disgusting thing to say?

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 26/12/2019 09:21

What a bastard Is he always like this?

maddening · 26/12/2019 09:22

Yes, that's a dreadful thing to say to anyone recently bereaved at Christmas, let alone your spouse who you are meant to love and support, so sorry for your loss OP 💐

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/12/2019 09:22

Tell him l, as calmly as you can, that his selfishness, his complete lack of empathy has made you see him in a new light.

That he has really shown himself up. He should have been helping you cope with your emotions, not judging you for your grief

Flowers
CakeandCustard28 · 26/12/2019 09:24

That’s an awful thing for him to say. Christ I was miserable for nearly two years straight after I lost my sons.. my DH didn’t dare say anything like that to me. Sounds like your DH is the issue not you poppet, sorry for your loss Flowers

PaquitaVariation · 26/12/2019 09:24

You’re not wrong. What a horrible, unsympathetic thing to say. I hope you’ve told him that he can fuck off somewhere else so you can be miserable and not disturb the rest of his holiday.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 09:24

I thought I was holding up pretty well.
After he’s said this I just can’t stop crying.

I just can’t do right at all.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 26/12/2019 09:25

Is he always a nasty piece of work?

CakeandCustard28 · 26/12/2019 09:26

You can do right though! Your dad just passed away, of course your going to be upset especially at this time of year. Is he always this mean to you?

GaaaaarlicBread · 26/12/2019 09:26

How awful . So sorry for your loss and so sorry you’re having to deal with that 💕

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 26/12/2019 09:27

No you're not. I lost my mum several weeks ago too and am heavily pregnant (aka super emotional) too, so it's not been the best for me either. Thankfully my DH is understanding and the children have been supportive too. I can't imagine having to have got through Christmas without their support so my heart truly aches for you my love reading he has said that to you. You didn't ruin Christmas ♥ gosh I wish I could hug you right now, you poor thing. I don't know what to say, I'm bewildered at his lack of empathy and support. X

MagicMojito · 26/12/2019 09:29

So sorry for your loss OP. Hes a selfish arse, yanbu at all x

Wereallsquare · 26/12/2019 09:30

He has ruined it with his misery. You are grieving and he is selfish and unsupportive. The usual dynamics are that you cater to him and his needs, right?

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 09:31

Sorry for your loss @Hellofromtheotherside2020 especially being pregnant that must be so tough.

Both of my parents are gone so this year just felt really weird.
The kids played up all day too which didn’t help.

Unfortunately yes he has history of being absolutely vile.

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 26/12/2019 09:33

I would definitely be rethinking my future with someone so selfish.

It’s not you, it’s him. He’s a twat and a selfish and cruel one.

EugenesAxe · 26/12/2019 09:33

Obviously; you don’t get over the death of a parent in a few weeks.

I’d ask him if anything else has been upsetting him for a while, as his words are very unfair standing alone.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 26/12/2019 09:34

You sound so genuinely lovely too from your posts, I'm so sorry he hasn't supported you. He really needed to step up. No way on earth though have you ruined Christmas just because you're upset (and had a bloody good reason to be). I'm just so sorry he has made you feel like that

orangejuicer · 26/12/2019 09:34

Boot him out.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 09:36

He’s apparently talking the children out.
It’s like a punishment I guess.

I’m starting to see it’s not me, it’s him. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 09:39

He’s just asked why I take everything to heart?

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 26/12/2019 09:39

Sorry; as it occurred to me you might read it another way, my second comment was to try and understand why on earth he might have said it, not to excuse it. It’s not excusable.

Cheeserton · 26/12/2019 09:40

Boot him out.

His unacceptable vileness put aside for one minute, why on earth would you just assume that OP can 'boot him out' of home?? What planet do you live on where you can simply throw someone out of their own home? Real life doesn't work like that most of the time and foolish comments like that don't actually help.

FairytaleofButlins · 26/12/2019 09:42

was it just you?
Was it just both of you and other adults?
then yes, he's insensitive.

Do you have kids and there was an horrendous atmosphere all day spoiling their Christmas?

FairytaleofButlins · 26/12/2019 09:44

What planet do you live on where you can simply throw someone out of their own home? Real life doesn't work like that most of the time and foolish comments like that don't actually help.

adults need to take responsibility for themselves at some point. No, you can't kick someone out of their OWN home like that, but neither should you stay with someone that makes you miserable. You take steps and you move on - or you don't complain about it.

Kids are stuck when they are in an abusive home. Adults are not.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 09:44

It was us and his parents.
No atmosphere- just a bit miserable, but we’ve all had colds/ sore throats etc so to be expected.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 26/12/2019 09:50

He sounds awful. Perhaps it's time to really think about whether this is the life you want. Your parents are both gone so this man really is your main support (supposedly) but does he really add anything to your life? I am so sorry op.