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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset?

54 replies

Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 09:19

After losing my dad several weeks ago, being poorly and really struggling emotionally. I tried to pull myself together yesterday.

I thought I did pretty well- I tried to enjoy my food and have a drink.

My husband has this morning told me that I have ruined Christmas because I am miserable.

Aibu to think this is an absolutely disgusting thing to say?

OP posts:
ChasingRainbows19 · 26/12/2019 10:14

My mum died 5 years ago and we weren't even really close. But celebrations are always hard and Christmas well she loved Christmas so it's always tinged with a bit of sadness even years later.

To be honest you tried your best that's all you can do. You can't stop grief. Horrible thing to say when it's all so raw. Hugs OP

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 12:43

Thanks guys.
I think I’m going to go see a solicitor tbh- if I can get legal aid.

I’ve had enough of living like this.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 26/12/2019 13:01

He’s just asked why I take everything to heart? Because you're a normal human being who cares about treating other people decently and is upset if someone suggests you have upset someone?

FaithInfinity · 26/12/2019 13:10

I think you truly learn what other people are like when you’re grieving. My then bf now DH was brilliant, so supportive and understanding. My Mum died at the end of October and Christmas was just bizarre. We were all grieving and didn’t know what to do with ourselves. My so called best friend was rubbish. Barely contacted me! It killed the friendship to be honest.

I think if you’re H can’t be understanding about how you’re feeling now, you do seriously need to consider the relationship. Getting legal advice sounds wise.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/12/2019 13:14

He’s an absolute wanker.

billy1966 · 26/12/2019 13:15

So sorry OP.
He sounds awful.
Christmas time is very hard after a bereavement.

Mind yourself 💐

thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2019 13:30

You know he is BU. Sorry for your loss, you have every right to be feeling low.

Seriously what is the point of a relationship if it doesn’t bring you comfort and support during difficult times? There really is none.

It sounds as if you are coming to this conclusion under your own steam anyway.

I’m totally sure your life will improve massively without this waste of space. Best of luck with the next steps.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 13:42

There is no point but I’m trapped.
I’ve got no where to go, no finances thanks to him.
No job.
No car.
Nothing.

I can’t afford to live here alone even if I worked.

OP posts:
Ihavethefinalsleigh · 26/12/2019 13:44

What a thoroughly unpleasant thing to say. He's an arse of the highest order. Does he always treat you this badly?

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 26/12/2019 13:44

Women's Aid will support you, you are not alone.

maisienminnie · 26/12/2019 13:46

You take everything to heart? Does he have any emotions? This is horrific behaviour and you deserve someone who is not vile to you at all. Ever.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 13:46

Will they?
He’s actually laughing at my upset

Couldn’t make this shit up.

OP posts:
Ihavethefinalsleigh · 26/12/2019 13:48

Women's Aid will absolutely support you. That's what they do.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2019 13:49

I understand how you may feel trapped now OP but there will be a way forward. Is there anyone you could stay with for a couple of weeks while you plan your next move? Do you have any savings at all? Could you speak to a solicitor to find out what your options are? Have you confided in anyone else?

Make a list and take it a step at a time. It’s not going to be easy but once you have something to work towards it won’t seem so impossible.

There are lots of people on here who have been in your position and emerged happy and strong the other side and lots of people will have great practical advice. Keep posting.

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 13:51

I have literally nothing.

Apart from being on the mortgage of this house and being married.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 13:52

I don’t have family here.
Not a single person.

I moved to be with my husband 11 years ago.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 26/12/2019 13:54

It’s not you, it’s him. Losing someone close especially a parent is tough. Sounds like when my Dad died; ex-husband wanted to know why after a few weeks l hadn’t “gotten over it”. He acted like l had a cold or a sprained ankle. Since we split he has lot a few people close to him so now unfortunately probably now knows how l feel

Original poster
Jellybeansincognito · 26/12/2019 14:02

I’ve apparently blown this out of the water which has proved to him my mood hasn’t been helping things.

Whatever that means.

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 26/12/2019 14:04

I'm so sorry for your loss OP Flowers your H sounds really awful, if theres ever a time you needed to be able to lean on him this is it!

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2019 14:19

Wow, he’s an unfeeling wanker, isn’t he? Why is he so nasty? Do you think the relationship has been dead for a while? How old are the dc? If you’re the main carer, you may get residence in the family home. Do go and see a solicitor.

SusieOwl4 · 26/12/2019 14:24

My mil died this year so I knew this time of year would be hard for my husband . So you make allowances. I think his comment shows he has no respect for your feelings at all . I have learnt everyone grieves in different ways and sometimes it just hits you when you hear a song on the radio or when driving quietly in the car . How old are your children ? You could get an hour free with a family solicitor and perhaps just checking your legal position might reassure you a little. But personally I would be sad and angry if someone spoke to me like that.

LagunaBubbles · 26/12/2019 14:30

After my Mum died my DH put up with a lot of me, he was so supportive I couldn't have managed without him. It was a fairytale either, the first Christmas after I lost her was horrific. That's what couples in a loving supportive relationship are meant to do for each other. Your DH not only isn't supporting you, he's actively causing you more emotional grief and turmoil.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 14:34

I can't really say what l think, he's your husband after all.

You are doing fine. You aren't responsible for his feelings. Don't let him make you feel like crap.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2019 14:37

Ahh just seen you are thinking of leaving him - he's a selfish good for nothing low life prick and he's lucky to have a strong woman who held her head up and tried to make the best of it. Kick his sorry arse into touch. It will be tough, but YOU will be fine.

Marlouse · 26/12/2019 14:39

To me this actually sounds very abusive. I’m so sorry for you. You are being treated very mean.
Please get some help. Maybe you can focus on becoming more indepented? Maybe get a job, a better social circle, get more support around you. And then maybe after a while you are in a better situation to get divorced?
Am really feeling for you.