Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of effort on gift and nothing from DS

54 replies

Loz604 · 26/12/2019 00:40

obviously I've not said anything at the risk of sounding ungrateful....

DP and I each sort our own families for presents Christmas day. And I also sorted DS gifts for his first Christmas.
DP got me a bath set this year and nothing from DS. I know Christmas isn't the same and a big deal for adults but I felt very disheartened about it all day.... aibu? Maybe more sensitive than I need to be as my mum passed this year so I'm already emotional as she is normally with us Chritmas day.

AIBU to have expected a little more thought to have gone into my gift.

OP posts:
Aliceinunderland · 26/12/2019 00:42

YANBU to feel disappointed. I'm sorry for your loss, the first year is always the hardest. Is your DP generally supportive of you?

Original poster
Loz604 · 26/12/2019 00:47

Thank you. I've been strong for a month or 2 but today's emotions came out of the blue at a random time.

Yes we have a great relationship and are very equal I feel. I think it's just (dare I say it) a man thing. He hasn't done it to purposely upset me but a bath set......really?!

OP posts:
paranoidmum2 · 26/12/2019 00:49

Sorry about your mum, OP. Flowers

Doesn't like it was a thoughtful present. What did you get him and was he at all embarrassed or aware that he didn't get you a thoughtful present?

If my DH got my bath set, I would ask him why he thought that was a good idea.

Original poster
Loz604 · 26/12/2019 00:57

I got him a few useful bits and bobs and a night out to see a comedian. Yesterday he said he hasn't got me much actually only one thing to open and when he gave me it he said I am so hard to buy for.

I feel bad as we genuinely have such a good relationship and feel like I'm being ungrateful. But he got his parents some fancy electrical items. Not that this is reason for anything, but he knows I won't get much from my family. Just disheartened I guess x

OP posts:
Original poster
Loz604 · 26/12/2019 00:58

And is s tiny token gift from DS too much to ask for for his first Christmas?

OP posts:
Aliceinunderland · 26/12/2019 01:06

No Loz, it's not too much to ask. Not sure what's gone wrong this time for him not to be more thoughtful. I'd have a chat with him in a few days and explain why his lack of thought was so hurtful for you and hopefully it won't happen again. Sometimes people don't see babies as separate from the mother if that makes sense so I assume it just didn't occur to him to get you a gift from DS. If there's any spare money, I'd treat yourself to something lovely in the sales and take time to be kind to yourself.

paranoidmum2 · 26/12/2019 01:44

he said I am so hard to buy for.

This is a cop out, OP, don't fall for it. He's making his lack of care in choosing a present for you your fault by implying you are the problem here.

I think if he wants to give you such little consideration then you should be prepared to do the same (after having a chat this time to tell him how hurtful it was, as Alice says above). You don't need to be the bigger person here.

Ugzbugz · 26/12/2019 01:52

So sorry to hear about your mum, some may find your DP unthoughtful but it wont be malicious, tbh as a woman I probs wouldn't have even though about it, if hes great normally dont let it eat you up.

Napmum · 26/12/2019 03:11

There's another thread on here about people who are rubbish at buying presents it sounds like for whatever reason your DH is rubbish at buying presents... for you at least.

My sister always used to give thoughtless presents often late. For years I thought she was being thoughtless but actually it was the opposite. She put so much thought into it that she got anxiety about it and then couldn't decide what to get so got a "safe bet". Often a bath set or similar standard gift. Once she started to mention things she'd thought about getting and I reassured her, she became an awesome gift giver.

So you think this might be your husband's issue? Have a chat with him and see. In terms of solutions: I often give my husband a category so this year I asked for t-shirts and he got me a selection of really nice ones which different artists had designed. He's really good at clothes hence why I gave him that idea. I also asked my sister for a smallish handbag which would easily fit my A5 organiser in it, as she's good at getting practical bags and also has great style.

Sometimes people need help and others just need an Amazon wishlist with specific instructions not to stray. As for getting you a present form DS I think I started doing this but DH did it this Christmas and I didn't. If you expect it, then maybe specifically tell him (some people are particularly useless at this and will need reminding again).

I hope this helps, I think it could easily be the thoughtlessness option too but others had already made that point to you so wanted to voice alternative theories ☺️

Original poster
Loz604 · 26/12/2019 03:13

@Ugzbugz oh I wouldn't be malicious. No part of me is thinking of any kind of revenge at all. Just wanted to know in others opinion if I was being too sensitive or not. If I was to say anything it'll be in a few days in a casual jokey manor

It's his birthday next month, I may not be as elloborate with the gifting though. Of course he will get something from DS though.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 26/12/2019 07:09

Not everyone likes or "does' the "gift from baby" thing.

It's a bit weird. When the child is old enough to be taken to the shop and allowed to choose something for their Mum or Dad, then it's lovely. But from a tiny baby? No need.

YANBU to be a bit meh about a bath set. Does he know what you'd really like?

JustMe9 · 26/12/2019 07:14

WHY someone would need to buy you a gift from a baby?? Besides, Christmas is NOT about the presents at the end of the day. Can you not afford to buy stuff that you want/need yourself? You do sound very childish.

ukgift2016 · 26/12/2019 07:15

The truth is, he could not be bothered. You know each other, it is a cop out.

Somewheredreamingofcheesecake · 26/12/2019 07:18

The bath set is rubbish but I agree on the gift from the baby. We never did gifts from the kids until they could choose. I think that's one you needed to have mentioned to him in advance so that he knew you were expecting something.

TW2013 · 26/12/2019 07:19

Lists are the way to go, some specific items (if it is important you get certainthings), other more general - e.g pyjamas size 12. He might then become a better gift giver tonic not at least you have a few bits to open. With ds explain to your dh what you did with him - 'I went to the shop and showed him two t shirts and he pointed to this one'. Also start young with ds and get him involved in choosing presents for people then he can help dh.

FrangipaniBlue · 26/12/2019 07:22

Does he usually buy you good thoughtful gifts? Just wondering if perhaps in the past he's had help from your mum without you knowing and this year he's struggled?

I lost my DM 17 yrs ago - the Christmas Day emotions never go away OP.

whatswithtodaytoday · 26/12/2019 07:23

It's our baby's first Christmas and it wouldn't even have occured to me to do gifts from the baby. We didn't give him a card either, but half our NCT group did theirs. I thought it was very odd!

A bath set is rubbish, but is he normally good at presents? I know my gift giving hasn't been its best this year, my brain is still full of baby and I couldn't think straight or trust my thoughts.

Sirzy · 26/12/2019 07:24

What are his present giving skills normally like?
If it’s out of character then I get why your annoyed but if he normally isn’t the best then maybe you need to help guide him what to buy

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/12/2019 07:25

The bath set is v disappointing. YABU about the lack of gift from a baby though.

CherryPavlova · 26/12/2019 07:26

I too think presents from babies (or worse pets) is odd. I think a bath set is lazy and a bit mean so next year I’d be sending a list.

fuzzymoon · 26/12/2019 07:26

I'd be upset about that.

It's the lack of thought that hurts. Thinking about what would mean something to you and trying to make it nice.

He may not of got you a gift from the baby but what he got you was given no thought.

He needs to ask for hints if he finds present buying hard. There are ways to help think of thinks.

I would set up a new tradition. The first of December you all write letters to Santa. It'll become a fun family tradition and help him know what he could get you.

itsboiledeggsagain · 26/12/2019 07:31

What we're the "useful bits and bobs"you got him?

Some people aren't into the idea of gifts. It is hard if a relationship is unequal in that regard.

Sorry about your mother xx

PixieDustt · 26/12/2019 07:41

I could have wrote this myself! My partner got me a primark nightie and stupid things like hair grips. I don't wear hair grips... it was all stocking filler things. He must have spent about £15.

In October I asked for this personalised necklace. Oh apparently I didn't. I'm so hurt and ashamed to call him my DP he completely ruined my birthday aswell.

The thing is he kept saying oh I have loads for you. I brought him new clothes. All the blu rays he asked for. Next Xbox games. Personalised glass thing from DS.

We have always done a stocking for each other. He actually put 2 bits in it and his was full and grinning saying 'I feel really bad' clearly you don't as you're grinning!

It just feels like he has done this stuff to really hurt me.
It's not the case of him not having money, he has money.
He's only been like this to ruin my first birthday and first Christmas with my DS.
It all hit me last night that he's a vile prick and i will leave him.

PixieDustt · 26/12/2019 07:43

*new

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2019 07:47

YABU to say "obviously I've not said anything at the risk of sounding ungrateful"

It's not obvious at all! Don't just moan about it on mumsnet, talk to him.

Why the hell should you be "grateful" for a shit present that he put no thought into.

If he's struggling for ideas he could just ask you what you'd like. It's actually not that hard, a lot of men just can't be bothered, and then their partners "obviously" don't say anything so they never bother.