Lack of effort on gift and nothing from DS

[Loz604]

obviously I've not said anything at the risk of sounding ungrateful....

DP and I each sort our own families for presents Christmas day. And I also sorted DS gifts for his first Christmas.
DP got me a bath set this year and nothing from DS. I know Christmas isn't the same and a big deal for adults but I felt very disheartened about it all day.... aibu? Maybe more sensitive than I need to be as my mum passed this year so I'm already emotional as she is normally with us Chritmas day.

AIBU to have expected a little more thought to have gone into my gift.

[pictish]

Yanbu to imagine you are worth a bit of thought and even a wee gesture from your baby...but the bucket of cold water reality of it is that unless your dh is the type of person to enjoy browsing and shopping, you’re not likely to receive gifts that match up to your nice wee daydream.

[AlaskanOilBaron]

My husband and I don't typically exchange Christmas gifts, I prefer it this way.

How long have you been together? Is he generally a generous person?

[ElbasAbsentPenis]

I have never heard of the present from baby thing except on MN (same with ‘push presents’ and ‘eternity rings’ - I know nobody who follows these traditions and wouldn’t know about them at all if it weren’t for spending so much time on here).
It’s possible your DH doesn’t realise this is a tradition you want to start in your family. You may need to spell it out for him. The bath set is uninspired, but I don’t think it is necessarily thoughtless, particularly if you hadn’t given him any ideas of what you might like; if you look across MN some people’s idea of an amazing gift is other people’s idea of useless tat; some people would love to get their favourite perfume, other people think that’s just lazy and uncreative, and what they really want is a surprise. It really is a minefield, I think, unless you are very direct with one another about what you want. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t know you or love you unless there are other things in the relationship that make you feel that way.

[AlaskanOilBaron]

It's actually not that hard, a lot of men just can't be bothered, and then their partners "obviously" don't say anything so they never bother.

I don't think it's exclusively a man thing! IMO, Christmas presents between two adults who have a completely different aesthetic is kind of inefficient.

[OceanSunFish]

I'd be disappointed by the bath set, but we've never done presents to each other from the baby.

[WeMarchOn]

3 of my gifts from DH & kids was kitchen spray, cloths & hand wash!
I cried last night but haven't said anything 😞

[SingaporeSlinky]

We never did presents ‘from’ the baby either. I didn’t see the point, so your DP may not have realised you were hoping for one. The bath set is a bit thoughtless though. I hate it when people say I’m hard to buy for, and make no actual effort. They could at least try. Next year I’d get in early (around November) and either ask for what you want, or say you’re hoping he puts more effort in this time, and you’d rather he tried and kept the receipts just in case, than not even try at all.

[TeenPlusTwenties]

In the new year have a chat with DH how you want things going forward.

e.g. Mothers Day & Birthdays & Christmas - I expect a card and a present from DS, even if you have to do it yourself in the early days, but involve him as soon as he can scrawl a drawing. It helps me feel appreciated, and as he grows up he will learn the joy of giving presents. Mothers Day and Birthdays I also expect a bit of a 'fuss' as I do so much the rest of the year I would like to be made to feel special on those days.

Then remind him 3 weeks before any of those dates.

[FrangipaniBlue]

The OP has had a baby and lost her mum in the same year - understandably she's feeling a wee bit emotional on Christmas Day so your comments @JustMe9 are totally uncalled for.

DFOD

[Trumpleton]

The first christmas without your mum and first (I think?) with your baby, your husband needed to put more thought into how you might be feeling. Did he ask how you were/are? It's very overwhelming; Christmas, baby, other people's family and the gaping hole where your mum would have been. Regardless of the gifts, I hope he has been considerate of your feelings. And if not, tell him so he can be supportive.

[LittleReindeer]

YANBU. I feel the same, I spent £150 on DH and he just bought me a book. I don’t know if AIBU to be upset though, as he bought me loads for my birthday just a couple of weeks ago?

[AnotherEmma]

"I don't think it's exclusively a man thing! IMO, Christmas presents between two adults who have a completely different aesthetic is kind of inefficient."

It's not exclusively a man thing, no. There are exceptions to the rule. Some women are shit at giving presents and some men are good at it. However, in general it is a gendered issue. Women are socialised to do the emotional labour and wife work of buying thoughtful presents that will please the recipient. Men are not.

[Cornishclio]

We do amazon wish lists as otherwise my DH would get me some totally useless thing which would end up in landfill or the charity shop. Sometimes he gets it right and I can remember some amazing gifts he got me in the past but it is hit or miss.

I think a bath set is a useless present bought without much thought though especially if he got his parents some amazing gifts. I would not bother about the gift from the baby though. That seems odd as the baby obviously couldn't choose it.

My SIL took my DGDs (aged 4 and 1) to choose a present for my DH on his 60th birthday and they chose a giant gummy poo so that caused some hilarity. Awful present but they chose it because they thought it was funny and would make my DH laugh which it did. Is your DH usually thoughtful or is this symptomatic of a general thoughtlessness when it comes to you?

[stonebrambleboy]

Leave the baby with him for a few hours and treat yourself in the sales.
If he's a good man the rest of the year then forgive him. Give him a list to pick from of things you would like next year, that way you'll get a surprise and something you want.
You are grieving for your mum and are feeling fragile and that's perfectly normal.

[Loz604]

I know everyone doesn't do gifts from babies as it's not always a thing but I got a birthday gift from him. Never mind that isn't the biggie here 😂
Thank you all for your opinions. He normally isn't a bad gift buyer but will panic buy bits. When I gave him the comedian night out he asked if I was taking him for food first I politely told him no that's his job.
Oh Pixiedustt that sounds disappointing. Have a discussion with him, there must be mire going on than Christmas for you to make that decision.

Thank you, I know the real meaning of Christmas which is why I've chosen to discuss this on here. Merry Christmas all xx

[PlanDeRaccordement]

We never did the presents from children to ourselves as mum/dad. Think it’s an odd tradition that creates obligation and guilt in the child when gifts should be optional and freely given.

I would be disappointed in bath set. Reminds me of my DHs first Christmas present to me- a new pillow for my bed. I didn’t do any better. I bought him an ice scraper and gloves. Yes we both are terrible at the whole present selection thing. I think because we can only think of practical things. He noticed my pillow was lumpy and I was not very comfortable sleeping. I noticed his hands going blue with cold and that a credit card is not a good ice scraper. The sentiment and effort was there. Just misdirected. Maybe your DH was thinking you’re exhausted with a new baby and a bath set is a you need to slow down and pamper yourself thought.
We had a laugh and decided we will buy our own presents, wrap them, and put them under the tree. We still get pleasure from delaying getting what we really want. Christmas is an excuse to treat ourselves. So, that’s what I do, I buy my own presents and my DH buys his.
We both do our kids presents and trust me, they give us lists and we do not deviate from the list. Ever!

[MiniEggAddiction]

I think perhaps you are bing over sensitive - and it's completely understandable why. DH and I didn't do pressies from the kids when they were babies (we do them now but mainly because it's nice for the kids to pick something and see us opening it). I would just ask DH to do that next time.

[dancingbadger]

I remember feeling like this when my dc were young. My dh is great in most ways but present buying is not his thing. Now I just send a link with the exact colour/size etc to make sure I'm not disappointed on the day. Yes it's not very romantic and I've always fantasised about being surprised by amazing gifts thoughtfully choosen by my little family but in all honesty there are bigger things to worry about in life, I'd move on and just be more specific next time with exactly what you'd like.

[HoppingPavlova]

YANBU to be disappointed with a thoughtless gift from your DH, he should have upped his game and put in effort to show his appreciation.

YABU to expect anyone to buy you a gift and pretend that it is a gift from a baby or child. Beyond odd. Mine are now young adults and teens either at uni or school. They have never purchased DH or I a gift and I don’t want one as they have no money and we basically finance them anyway. Also, I could have thought of nothing worse than some stick figure drawing or macaroni necklace when they were little. Once they have all graduated, got decent jobs, set themselves up and we have retired I will THEN expect a decent and thoughtful gift from them every year. Until then, nope.

[Yetanotherwinter]

I’m so sorry for your loss. This Christmas was never going to be easy and of course you’ll be feeling the loss of your mum every day. It doesn’t sound like he made much effort. I find what helps is to give my husband a list of things I like. This year we are going away in Feb so we gave ourselves a 50 quid budget. If I were you I would wait until next week and tell him how disappointed you actually were. I would explain exactly what your expectations were. That way he has no excuse for future Christmas presents. I wouldn’t say anything whilst we’re still in the middle of Christmas.

[AnnaMagnani]

Bath set is shite - but are you hard to buy for?

Personally I want about a gazillion presents but they are all highly specific things that DH probably couldn't guess. I have had to own that I am very very hard to buy for.

We write lists. Christmas and birthdays got much much better once we did this.

[katewhinesalot]

Pease guys, just communicate. There is no point suffering in silence.
If you don't set your expectations early on in your relationships, you can't complain when things don't change. Especially when things are so one sided.

[ferrier]

If I want something specific I drop unsubtle hints in the run up to Christmas. Otherwise I just accept that he's a useless present buyer and am just occasionally pleasantly surprised when he gets it right.

[80sMum]

If your DH is anything like mine, OP, he'll be a stereotypical "bloke" who has little to no clue about present-buying.

I'm afraid you're going to have to spell it out to him very clearly as to what you expect him to do, even going so far as telling him what to buy.

So, talk to him. Tell him what's important to you. Tell him that you would love for him to buy you x, y or z and that, until DS is old enough to do it himself, you'd like DH to buy something for you on his behalf. Your DH (if he's a decent sort of bloke) will probably be only too happy to be given a bit of guidance.

[NearlyGranny]

Well, anyone with a birthday in January needs to be particularly generous at Christmas time!

He did very well from you, didn't he? I'd be inclined not to ask him what he wants for his birthday and just get him cheapie aftershave and soap set, with perhaps a pair of supermarket socks from DS.

Then next time round give him a menu of 3 or 4 desirable things and tell him not to go off-piste.