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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CFery? Or not? Do I just suck this up?

84 replies

ZenNudist · 25/12/2019 20:08

Long, not to dripfeed.

At PILs this year. Meant to see my dsis day after boxing day and go home that night. However MIL has booked a big group of her friend and all her friends's family to come on 27th. Dsis is unwell and doesn't want to just fit in with the other family. MIL didn't want to add an extra 2 guests to the huge number here on 27th so Ive ended up driving 90mins there and back to pick up non driving dsis and BIL on boxing day for the day. Im also cooking the food in my family tradition. All good so far. I dont want to drive on boxing day but its a choice I made as dsis is so down.

I do resent having this family foisted on me at Christmas when Im not going to be able to see my dps or cousins because MIL has also planned a family party on 28th. Thats a different issue. Im sucking that up this year and next year hopefully make time for my friends and family (who am I kidding I know MIL would be offended if we didn't visit at Christmas but when the boot is on the other foot my family don't get a look in).

MIL has been friends with this woman lets call her Amy, A for short since forever. They have similar aged children and grandchildren who are perfectly pleasant who we see once every 1 or 2 or 3 years. They never usually get involved in our family Christmas celebrations.

So the AIBU. A's family was going to stay over (already Im thinking thank Christ that's not happening, its awkward enough with close friends and family). Anyway A says her dgc were looking forward to "a sleepover" and are disappointed that isn't happening. MIL is a generous host and loves these kids so immediately said they could stay anyway. Apparently without their mum (divorced in case you wonder where the dad is in all this).

This is where Im put out. I dont see why the kids need to stay over. My two are over excited over tired over indulged and strung out. At the end of the day I will just want to get them into bed and I don't want to be dealing with 2 more children than I have to the next day.

MIL got in a huff when I said it was a bad idea and that I didn't want to be facilitating a dc "sleepover" on top of a day of entertaining 10 of A's family on top of Boxing Day buggered up by the A family party plan, on top of Christmas day (children already at fever pitch) on top of the pre Christmas run up which has been busy.

We are only getting a short break from our full on jobs this year and its been monopolised by DH's family. DH is very well mannered and would never take advantage of others' hospitality like this and foist our dc on an A equivalent in the same circumstances. But hes just saying to let MIL get on with it and look after all 4 children.

Thing is MIL isnt a well woman and I'd feel a cow letting her do that. Dh will probably get involved in sorting it out which is not great as he is totally knackered from overwork.

So not looking to get savaged on here. How do I put this? Do I stay quiet or do I state its all a bit much and personally think its better if the dc go home with the rest of their family.

OP posts:
ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 25/12/2019 23:13

The A party has been presented as a must attend.

So? It can be presented any way MIL likes, she's not the boss of you, and you have a prior engagement.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 25/12/2019 23:15

A and her family are basically irrelevant - you just need to follow your original plan.

If my MIL announced suddenly that she was throwing a party on Saturday and DH and I must attend, we'd say no as we have arranged to see my family that day. It's really simple.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 25/12/2019 23:19

Drum "You are in no way obliged to attend family functions if you don't want to, or if it causes any annoyance. It's refreshing to say 'no, it won't suit us'"

I wish. They do stuff for us too but the massive family / friend gatherings are mandatory. She does the same thing again in the summer. I dont mind showing up and making nice usually. The sleepover bullshit has really worn me down. Maybe it'll be OK ...she says optimistically.

Its not martrydom but I do think you do for family (hence the dsis thing tomorrow).

OP posts:
Greenwingmemories · 25/12/2019 23:20

I feel a bit sorry for your DPs. Why do they always have to be accommodating while you jump through hoops for your MiL. Just because she gets in first doesn't mean you have to agree to it. If I were you, I'd just arrange to go to theirs next Christmas or have them at yours.

As for your Dsis, it's tricky that she is unwell but if she won't come to you or invite you to hers there's not much you can do but do what you're doing. I'm not sure that I'd always prioritise her though above the rest of your family.

A seems a bit of a red herring. Of course people will offload their children with other responsible adults if it means a break for them. It's more your MiL's fault for not standing up to them or checking it's okay with you, when you'll have most of the responsibility.

Having said that you do sound a bit of a martyr always taking responsibility for everything, I wonder if you've got that from your accommodating parents. Just to warn you it can end up leaving you resentful and exhausted!

Boom45 · 25/12/2019 23:22

Ok. You don't want to see your family and you've said you wont be expected to babysit these kids. If you don't want to go to the party can you not go home? The kids still sound like a bit of a side issue to the problem to be honest.

HugoSpritz · 25/12/2019 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FraglesRock · 25/12/2019 23:24

Could you rewrite your op? It's really not clear

SleepingStandingUp · 25/12/2019 23:25

They do stuff for us too but the massive family / friend gatherings are mandatory
So what happens if you DON'T go?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 25/12/2019 23:29

Your post is all over the place, very wordy, and largely irrelevant.

The whole thing can be summarised to:
We're staying with inlaws for the next few days and mil has invited a few friends over. She has told one of the friends that she should leave her grandchildren here for a sleepover. Friend has agreed. AIBU to be annoyed about this?

The answer is yes.

Even after all the lengthy, unnecessary, irrelevant details, the answer is still yes.

Summery1 · 25/12/2019 23:29

My children are 7 and 9. Definitely home to their own beds, especially after these social gatherings - they get overtired. It usually means we leave stuff early, but that's where we're at.

I wouldn't do it to my children, not to take them home, and couldn't imagine imposing them on anyone. What are A's family doing? This is all bizarre.

This big family gatherings look good on tv, (reminds me of an Ikea ad) but I'd be leaving on the 26th myself.
I love all the entrapment though... MiL in poor health, party a 'must'.

FraglesRock · 25/12/2019 23:30

Ah got it now.
I'd stay home with the dc after Boxing Day and let your dh AMF mil sort it all out.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 25/12/2019 23:31

Greenwing thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. You are of course spot on about ending up resentful and stressed.

My parents will get Christmas with us next year. (I have my own issues with them) Sadly DH will still expect us to go haring off to his DPs afterwards as we always do. Basically when its my family's turn I see mum and dad Christmas and Boxing day (sometimes PIL join us!) Then we spend more time at PILs. DSis turns up at my DPs once every 4 years and has been to ILs 3 times in 20 years. More since dc have been around.

I have now got myself stressed. I was relaxed at tbe start of thread!

OP posts:
fedup21 · 25/12/2019 23:31

Your MIL is being a pain.
Your DH and you are being complete pushovers.

I can’t see that the mother of the sleepover children is doing anything other than accepting an invitation.

FraglesRock · 25/12/2019 23:33

Nope you sound like a martyr
I don't want to do it but I'll moan and do it anyway.

Just
Say
No

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 25/12/2019 23:33

Its not martrydom but I do think you do for family (hence the dsis thing tomorrow)

It is martyrdom. You've posted at length about how you won't get to see your own family. How your plans with your sister had to be changed. How your children will be knocked out of sync etc etc etc. Yet you're still go to go ahead and change all plans to suit your mil.

Attendance at a family party is never mandatory. Ever.

What happens if you don't go? What happens if your family have something on that clashes? Do your whole family fit around your mil?

More fool them.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 25/12/2019 23:34

@SleepingStandingUp not going is not an option but we get a choice on dates.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 25/12/2019 23:40

not going is not an option but we get a choice on dates

Why?
What can she do to you if you are unable to attend?

She can't spring an impromptu party on you on 28th December and expect you to be there. Especially after being there for 3-4 days prior too, and having limited leave available.

You should try saying "No, we're not around" more often. You'll find it liberating.

A, A's daughter, or A's grandchildren are the only completely faultless people in this whole scenario.

Bizarre that your anger and frustration is directed at them.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 25/12/2019 23:46

Sorry that should say that we get choice of dates on the summer shindig.

Im tired. Been really ill over Christmas. Bit glued to this thread. Its kind of impossible to paint family situation in a thread. But now i feel roundly shitty about it. Im going to try and positive think my way out of tightness in my chest. Im lucky really.

I wasn't moaning I was trying to give the context as to why sleepover is a problem for me. Are many parents are happy to let their young dc stay over with wider friend network?

I have never let my dc stay over without me or dh there with anyone other than their actual grandparents. I thought it was strange and maybe mumsnet could enlighten me as to what is normal. I only got one response (thanks Summery1!) Would people really leave their dc in these circumstances? Ah well who knows?

OP posts:
Katgurl · 25/12/2019 23:59

I seem to be reading a different thread to everyone else. Can you clarify if I understand correctly -

You are staying at your PIL's for the three (or more) nights regardless? Your sister is also coming and welcome to stay there. You thought you would have a quieter time there but now a party is organised. Your PIL have invited the kiddies to stay the night and the parents and grandparents gratefully accepted. You are not actually being asked to babysit but one of the persuasive arguments by your PIL was that your same age children will be there. You don't want the children staying. You have said this to MIL and been overruled. You wish you had contact details for the mother of the children to tell her you don't want her accepting the offer from the owner of the house you don't live in? You think the mother of children is a CF as she should have ignored the arguments made by the actual host and instead considered you, another guest in the house.

If I have got that right then YABVVU.

If I've misunderstood then i apologise.

fedup21 · 26/12/2019 00:01

Are many parents are happy to let their young dc stay over with wider friend network?

You are missing the point though. They aren’t the reason why your Christmas is sounding shit.

EL8888 · 26/12/2019 00:07

I agree with not your circus = not your monkeys! Confused as to what everyone else is doing. It sounds like you are doing it all. I would take a step back as you are already doing more than your spare share. Next year l would be doing things your way and not accommodating everyone else

Original poster
ZenNudist · 26/12/2019 00:21

@Katgurl that a very cogent summary. Thank you for taking the time. Its not really possible to explain the dynamic suffice to say that youre not quite there.

@fedup21. You made me laugh. Its not been that shit. Yet!

I just went and calmed myself down, then spoke to dh. He agrees we can go home on the 27th. Will stay for a meal with A and her family. Thanks for responses people. Happy Christmas all!

OP posts:
Summery1 · 26/12/2019 00:48

That's probably for the best. I'd simply dread that sleepover. My overwrought children would be exhausted the next day. It would be so unfair on them. Added bonus is a little time together by yourselves.

It does leap out from your post though that your family is expected to comply with ILs plans.

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2019 01:53

the massive family / friend gatherings are mandatory

So who's the person enforcing that, MIL or DH? This is starting to sound like a DH problem given that now he's said you can go home pre sleepover that is apparently doable.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2019 02:05

It would be too too much for me!

Is there any way Dsis would let you drive her home and stay the night? Just you? Because that's what I'd do. Let DH and MiL handle your children on the 26th. You could have a break and a quiet night with your Dsis, then drive back to MiL's the next day (at whatever time you choose).

Hope your parents get 'equal time' next Christmas!