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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meetup with difficult MIL and BIL

70 replies

Silencedwitness · 25/12/2019 11:40

So we’re due to see husband’s family later this week. MIL has never been great (ignoring me talking only to husband, offering husband food and ignoring me. The list goes on. It’s civil but that’s about it) and BIL even worse. Two of our kids have autism. Youngest doesn’t really engage with anyone and the other is chatty and happy to engage. BIL hasn’t seen the kids for two years through choice. Last year he was meeting his mother in a town near us and my husband said he’d bring the older kids but BIL didn’t want us to come. According to MIL he finds the kids overwhelming (he’s early 30s and I watch the kids closely so I know they’re not too much).

Anyway, we’re due to see BIL and his husband in a few days. Do we get them gifts? If BIL remembers he gets the kids something but is mostly stuff for very young kids (they’re 10,9 and 7). He doesn’t ask what they want and doesn’t ever remember their birthdays.

So should we get them gifts?

Also, we’re due to meet in a city. BIL is a vegan and has decided he wants to chose where we go except the youngest who is severely autistic has coeliac. I’m also nervous about taking him as he doesn’t cope brilliantly out but I feel I’m being forced into it by my mum and dh. It falls to me to look after the youngest.

So it’s two questions really. Gifts for BIL and do I really have to go for lunch with them?

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 25/12/2019 11:42

I wouldn't go. Leave gift buying to your DH.

IggyAce · 25/12/2019 11:45

Agree leave gift buying to DH, I personally wouldn’t bother.
I would all go and meet BIL but only DH and oldest 2 go for food and you do something else with youngest.

Hithere2 · 25/12/2019 11:45

Team do not see them.

Your dh can see them by himself and buy them a present

TheMustressMhor · 25/12/2019 11:48

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't buy them anything either.

You won't enjoy yourself and you'll have to spend money you don't really want to spend.

Pilot12 · 25/12/2019 11:49

Send your DH on his own and he can take a present if he likes.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/12/2019 11:50

Don't see them. Even without Autism and Coeliac I would lean toward saying no but add those on top and it's like setting yourself up for absolute misery. Let your DH spend time with them, you and the DC stay home and have a cosy day.

Original poster
Silencedwitness · 25/12/2019 12:56

I would love not to go but my husband gets a real face on if I mention it. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’m having to watch the youngest whilst he just sits back and relaxes.

OP posts:
Motoko · 25/12/2019 13:15

Let him get a face on. Using his moods to coerce you to do what he wants, is abusive.

Stay home with your youngest, let him worry about getting presents.

Hithere2 · 25/12/2019 13:18

Let him have all the faces he wants.

Your reasonable expectations of being treated like a human being (and for your kids too) are the bare minimum of human decency.

He can pout like a kid all he wants. His manipulative moves don't have to work on you

OneDay10 · 25/12/2019 13:22

Ask him what type of a father he is by letting his children be treated badly? Ask him what type of man does that.

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/12/2019 13:25

So instead of discussing things like an adult he 'gets a face on'
He can't even act like a grown up why would you let him be in charge of anything, make your own decisions, him and his face can fuck off

EKGEMS · 25/12/2019 20:19

Yeah you could address the problems you have with your husband and his "face" and choose not to pander or you can continue to be controlled by him and his family and by extension your children

Cheeserton · 25/12/2019 21:06

Where do these millions of vegans on here live? Why do I know so few when there are apparently so many dictating preferences all over mumsnet? Confused

maddening · 25/12/2019 23:31

Sounds like he is cut from the same cloth as mil and bil, tell him to do one and grow a spine while he's there

maddening · 25/12/2019 23:34

And if you do go I would not entertain a restaurant that your ds could not tolerate just to pander to a petulant fuck of a man, as a veggie you get used to looking out for something that everyone will enjoy, if there is one thing on the menu that I can have (also suffer from food triggered ibs) and it is cool with everyone else that's a winner, so snowflake bil can suck it the fuck up to ensure that his dn with SEN can enjoy the meal in as much comfort as possible.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/12/2019 23:45

No gifts. I’d consider meeting but have an escape plan for the youngest if it’s too difficult. Cosy Club have a GF and a vegan menu and are family friendly.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 26/12/2019 00:36

Don

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 26/12/2019 00:37

Don't go. Life is too short. They sounds awful.

Thatisme · 26/12/2019 00:47

I wouldn't take my children to meet people who don't really welcome them and also spend money in the process. Your DH should go by himself.

Rottnest · 26/12/2019 04:02

By going and buying gifts you are accepting their behaviour and condoning it. It just is not on to treat your family members like this. Personally I would not attend, I am strong and can deal with any fallout, from MIL, Bil or Oh. I would not give them any thought. Life is just too short to waste time with those who do not show respect, no matter who they are. YNBU. Obviously they will continue their behaviour as long as they are allowed to get away with it.
Stay strong and very best wishes to you.

LikeSilentRaindrops · 26/12/2019 04:08

I was going to say don’t go, and keep the kids with you, but then I read about your DH’s mardiness, which puts a different slant on it!

If he’s so minded that the kids go, can’t he take them and you stay at home? If he’s not supporting you (in a v sensible decision), don’t put yourself out to support him - his family, he can take his children to see them.

mediumbrownmug · 26/12/2019 04:08

Don’t go. Your DH’s face is his business, he’s an adult and can handle his own moods without you having to “fix” them for him.

Original poster
Silencedwitness · 26/12/2019 09:22

I’ve offered before for him to take the oldest two on his own. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want to upset his mother. Trouble is my mother also supports that I should go. The stress for the youngest falls on me. We barely see either of them but I’m very sick of having to pander to them when I wish my dh would stand up to MIL and explain the youngest will struggle and possibly end up under a table. They’re okay with people like my parents as we see them several times a week. We haven’t seen BIL for two years plus and MIL we see every three months and she doesn’t make the effort with youngest.

Thanks for everyone’s comments. My mum makes me out like I’m unreasonable and I’m saying I don’t want to go as I’m awful. There is also the suggestion we might end up at MIL’s small house but I haven’t been told the plan as DH doesn’t know and doesn’t seem to care.

OP posts:
tensmum1964 · 26/12/2019 09:35

So you and your children get treated like second class citizens by your MIL, BIL, and OH and your mother puts you under pressure to go? Its not hard, tell them all to Feck off. While you allow yourself to be treated like this it will never end. Let your OH be as mardy as he likes, he sounds like a child. Get a grip OP. Make yourself a new year's resolution that this treatment and behaviour towards you stops now. They can't do this to you if you don't let them.

51Pegasusb · 26/12/2019 09:36

No, don't go at all. My eldest is autistic ( I also have a DD with coeliac)) and this would have been his worst nightmare, when he was younger. We just didn't do this sort of thing, I've had to deal with cold shoulders, stroppy relatives but they can eff off. My DH and I have always been on the same page and have each others back.

Your DH can jog on, organize himself the present and if he wants to take the oldest 2 then he can sort that too, they're his family. Sorry but ignore your Mum stand your ground otherwise it's going to be an unpredictable angst ridden nightmare for you and your youngest. When my oldest was younger we always said, no alarms and no surprises please ! Makes life for everyone much more pleasant and happier !

Hope it works out for you !