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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Meetup with difficult MIL and BIL

70 replies

Silencedwitness · 25/12/2019 11:40

So we’re due to see husband’s family later this week. MIL has never been great (ignoring me talking only to husband, offering husband food and ignoring me. The list goes on. It’s civil but that’s about it) and BIL even worse. Two of our kids have autism. Youngest doesn’t really engage with anyone and the other is chatty and happy to engage. BIL hasn’t seen the kids for two years through choice. Last year he was meeting his mother in a town near us and my husband said he’d bring the older kids but BIL didn’t want us to come. According to MIL he finds the kids overwhelming (he’s early 30s and I watch the kids closely so I know they’re not too much).

Anyway, we’re due to see BIL and his husband in a few days. Do we get them gifts? If BIL remembers he gets the kids something but is mostly stuff for very young kids (they’re 10,9 and 7). He doesn’t ask what they want and doesn’t ever remember their birthdays.

So should we get them gifts?

Also, we’re due to meet in a city. BIL is a vegan and has decided he wants to chose where we go except the youngest who is severely autistic has coeliac. I’m also nervous about taking him as he doesn’t cope brilliantly out but I feel I’m being forced into it by my mum and dh. It falls to me to look after the youngest.

So it’s two questions really. Gifts for BIL and do I really have to go for lunch with them?

OP posts:

roisinagusniamh · 26/12/2019 19:33

Please read up on and get help for being a People Pleaser .
Don’t be like your Mum please.
They are deeply bitter people who say ‘yes’ to all sorts of requests and then seethe and rant and rage damaging those closest to them.
It’s the worse kind of passive aggressive behaviour.

sophiestew · 26/12/2019 19:45

I would love not to go but my husband gets a real face on if I mention it

Seriously? So what?

Original poster

Silencedwitness · 26/12/2019 19:59

I hate conflict and atmosphere. I suspect it stems back to growing up and never being good enough. Seeking mum’s approval and I’ve not ever been able to say no. My dh is very blunt to everyone else and for his mum and brother he just isn’t at all. It’s very much double standards. The food combined with the kids doesn’t feel workable and being his brother has zero interest in the kids and his mum isn’t much better I’m not sure why I’m bothering to put myself out.

OP posts:

LikeSilentRaindrops · 28/12/2019 09:19

@Silencedwitness how have you got on with finding a resolution?

Original poster

Silencedwitness · 28/12/2019 09:49

Husband said to his brother pub with its two choices for the kids wasn’t suitable. He’s not heard back from his brother. We’re meant to be seeing them Monday and I don’t have a clue what’s happening. This is typical for them. He wants to know if we have plans with my family and what they are but not when it comes his family.

OP posts:

roisinagusniamh · 28/12/2019 10:11

Passive aggressive behaviour.

Original poster

Silencedwitness · 28/12/2019 10:48

We’ve had a very passive aggressive row as I’m tired and he wanted to go to the gym. And it’s become a whole argument on chores, lack of help with the kids with Sen. So I don’t know how we’ll resolve before Monday. I have explained that I bend a lot for him as I don’t like the potential mood he could be put in. That I need more support with the mental load especially with the two who has autism. His retort at first was that I obviously didn’t like him and then suggesting a family spreadsheet. Which I have no issue with as long as he does some of it. He sees us as a team but I feel he picks what he wants to do and leaves the other half of the team (me) to pick up what he doesn’t.

OP posts:

NoseyBuggerMum · 28/12/2019 11:17

His retort at first was that I obviously didn’t like him

God that's very manipulative. Basically refusing to engage by making himself the victim.

Original poster

Silencedwitness · 28/12/2019 11:25

Yup. That’s exactly what I said to him. I’m not screaming abuse at him I’m asking him for more help. Which apparently means I don’t like him.

OP posts:

Thehop · 28/12/2019 11:31

He’s a tosser. Manipulative and lazy.

MyMajesty · 28/12/2019 11:46

Oh, OP, this is so awful for you.
You're the only one not being selfish, in this situation.

I'd work on the assumption that you and the kids are not going.
If DH gets back to you with a great arrangement that suits you all, you may then choose to go.
Otherwise it's Plan A - he goes on his own.

MyMajesty · 28/12/2019 11:49

It's clear you are not being unreasonable in any way.
Your main concern is for your kids - and DH's should be too.

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 28/12/2019 11:55

Life is easier if you base more around actions and less around immediate feelings.

It's a bit like teenagers. They can have a cob on, they can think you are mean, they can feel sad, they can feel angry, they can feel hard done by, they can slam doors and mutter. They still have to do the bloody dishwasher and their laundry. You wouldn't dream of pandering to sooth them in that kind of mood. Chores get done, they sort out their own mood.

Channel that attitude with others a bit more often and your life will get easier, after a bit of rough weather as they react to you no longer being forced back into your box so easily by someone frowning.

Original poster

Silencedwitness · 29/12/2019 11:26

So the resolution is...we’re not going. Purely because his mum and her partner aren’t well. I did suggest he could still meet up with his brother with the older two kids but got a mouthful as apparently I’m setting him up as his brother might not have gifts for the kids and I obviously want that to happen. Frankly I’ll be glad when he goes back to work.

OP posts:

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 29/12/2019 13:49

Really interesting how you describe that altercation.

If it were me describing someone be a dick it would be like this

I did suggest he could still meet up with his brother with the older two kids but got a mouthful. So I walked out telling him I wouldn't be spoken to like that. Frankly I’ll be glad when I've seen the solicitor.

Mine doesn't bother repeating his nonsense words and instead describes what I did to control my environment. Your version is all about him, there's no outcome, no description of you, even what you hope for is his choice to go out of the house to work, no agency for yourself at all in your words. It's like you don't see youself as existing as a human being. He's the only real person. It's the him him him show.

I did suggest he could still meet up with his brother with the older two kids but got a mouthful as apparently I’m setting him up as his brother might not have gifts for the kids and I obviously want that to happen. Frankly I’ll be glad when he goes back to work.

Original poster

Silencedwitness · 30/12/2019 10:36

To be honest I feel like I lost my identity years ago. Especially caring for the two kids with special needs. I’m going back to work in the new year after a very long time out. His family is a very sore point. He hasn’t ever wanted to tackle them as his mum would most likely to cry (she comes across as nice and sweet but is quite steely in getting what she wants) and as his dad was sick for a long time before passing away she’s pretty much raised the boys alone. But yes sometimes it does feel it is all about him. He won’t agree though. But out of the two of us despite having two kids with special needs (one has very complex needs and a speech and a sleep disorder) he has never given up his hobbies.

OP posts:

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 30/12/2019 11:01

He doesn't have to agree with the truth for it to be the truth. I bet that new job will be the making of you: you'll find you as you again. Then you will find it easier to make decisions and take stands that seem impossible now.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2019 11:05

^^This

I hope the new job will be the start of a happier New Year and hopefully a happier life for you.

But what support will you be getting with the DC so that you can work?

Drum2018 · 30/12/2019 11:22

Wow, your husband is one selfish bastard. Glad to see you're not going today. Shame it's simply because your mil is ill and not because your husband supported your preference to stay at home with youngest dc. With regards to gifts, that should not have been an issue for you at all. They are your husbands family so it was up to him to get something if he felt he should. Don't involve yourself in that again - not your problem. Let this situation be the catalyst to you standing up for what you want from now on. Fuck his family, if they don't make an effort year round then there's no reason you should have to bend over backwards for them when they decide they have a slot in their diary for you. From now on leave them to your husband. (Note the lack of 'd'h in my post - nothing dear about him!)

Best of luck with your job.

nowayhose · 30/12/2019 12:28

I hope your job will be the beginning of the end of your H's bloody tyranny over you and his total lack of parenting of your DC !

Develop your new backbone and learn to just say 'no'. Without any fanfare, drama or shouting............ simply 'no' to whatever you don't want to do, to whatever doesn't suit you or your your DC, and to whatever you feel is just about what HE wants.

Let him 'have a face on', or sulk, or shout, or whatever he dredges out of his arsenal which has worked on you previously. Let him do it all, while you stay silent. When he has finished...........just say 'no'.

It's impossible to have an arguement / row with only one person, so do not engage until he runs out of steam..........then say 'no'.

I see a very positive future for you and DC, but not until you start calling your H your Ex H. :)

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