Meetup with difficult MIL and BIL

[Silencedwitness]

So we’re due to see husband’s family later this week. MIL has never been great (ignoring me talking only to husband, offering husband food and ignoring me. The list goes on. It’s civil but that’s about it) and BIL even worse. Two of our kids have autism. Youngest doesn’t really engage with anyone and the other is chatty and happy to engage. BIL hasn’t seen the kids for two years through choice. Last year he was meeting his mother in a town near us and my husband said he’d bring the older kids but BIL didn’t want us to come. According to MIL he finds the kids overwhelming (he’s early 30s and I watch the kids closely so I know they’re not too much).

Anyway, we’re due to see BIL and his husband in a few days. Do we get them gifts? If BIL remembers he gets the kids something but is mostly stuff for very young kids (they’re 10,9 and 7). He doesn’t ask what they want and doesn’t ever remember their birthdays.

So should we get them gifts?

Also, we’re due to meet in a city. BIL is a vegan and has decided he wants to chose where we go except the youngest who is severely autistic has coeliac. I’m also nervous about taking him as he doesn’t cope brilliantly out but I feel I’m being forced into it by my mum and dh. It falls to me to look after the youngest.

So it’s two questions really. Gifts for BIL and do I really have to go for lunch with them?

Just don't go.

Ah the old “my mum makes me feel like crap for not putting up with shite from dhs family and being the good wife or doing it for dh” bollocks.

My mum does this too op. I’ve struggled massively with dhs family. I generally leave dh to deal with everything now. But Dm seems to think I’m a bad wife for not just agreeing and going along with it.

When we’re with Fil and his gf they are loud rude and insult everyone and everything. They ignore the kiddos. They lecture. And they moan.

Why put myself through it?

If it were me I wouldn’t go. Just say no.

They don't undestand or want to understand the challenges your children face for that I wouldn't give them my time

If your youngest struggles to the point that he’s likely to end up under the table, why would you put him in that position? Another vote for dh taking the elder 2 or going alone. You and your kids deserve better

Thanks all. I know I need to grow a backbone. On the face of it MIL comes across as a nice sweet lady. But she rarely bothers with us. Her boyfriend used to work weekends and I said to her anytime she wanted to come and spend the day with us she was more than welcome, it doesn’t happen. BIL is just a rude sod. I think he thinks he’s above everyone else and his husband is a bit sneery. I need to broach it with husband as it will be a nightmare. I don’t mind as much with my parents as they get it but not with dh and his mother. She once asked me if the kids would grow out of their autism The pub BIL has chosen has two options for kids. Fish and chips or burger and chips. Eldest (coeliac but no Sen) will eat the burger, middle with autism is unlikely to eat the burger as she has a lot of sensory issues around food and youngest will eat neither. So would mean taking food. We tend to go to only certain places that cater to their coeliac. Not to mention autism.

My mother is a people pleaser and gives a shit about what people think. So over the years I’ve become similar. Argh I’ll be gently speaking to my dh and hoping me and youngest can get out of it. I don’t fancy dragging a poor 7 into a busy restaurant where there is nothing they can eat and They will be surrounded by people they don’t know.

I feel your pain.. Youngest DD 7 has Autism. DHs parents only bother on her birthday and Xmas. So November and December. They are due to collect her today and my anxiety is through the roof. MIL will pass all sorts of remarks on whatever she can pick on. I have asked for no Xmas gifts as I am a widow with 3 DC and struggled a bit more this year. I get so embarrassed when I cannot give gifts but get given gifts. I feel really mean. Even though I have explained my situation and PIL have said not to worry they understood, I been informed they have gifts for everyone and I know MIL will bang on about gifts she recieved from everyone else if you can avoid going dont. I would love to avoid dealing with MIL.

I would say to DH that either he goes with two children or he goes with three. I wouldn't be going if he was going to sit back and relax leaving me dealing with the stress. He therefore decides how many children he takes and he has to deal with them while he's there. He's basically hoping to use you as childcare so he can sit and chat with BIL and MIL.

Do your BIL also have autism even if undiagnosed? (and MIL?)

Often the diagnosis of a child leads families to look back and can then lead to adult diagnosis.

The post stark I recall was 5 other family members across 3 generations all being diagnosed after 1 child was.

@PurpleCrazyHorse you’ve summed him up. He likes to chat so tends to not ignore the kids but not really pay attention.

@peakygal I’m so sorry that must be incredibly tough on you. Especially at this time of year.

MIL has never been great (ignoring me talking only to husband, offering husband food and ignoring me. The list goes on. It’s civil but that’s about it

There is nothing about the behaviour you have mentioned that is civil. You mil is rude.

I’m a fellow people pleaser, so I do get where you’re coming from. But you’re making this too easy for them - of course DH doesn’t want to take them, because he knows it’s hard work, so of course he wants you to come, because you’ll take that hard work away from him.

Seriously, this is so unfair of everyone and you need to take back some control. I would be insisting he takes the kids - ‘i can absolutely see how you want to show off the kids to your family; it will be lovely for you all to spend some time together and I can get a bit of a break after (no doubt doing everything for) Christmas. Win win for all of us, darling!’

Make it so he can’t say no - it will either be a success, which means you can get another break at another time, or it won’t, which means he’ll listen to you next time.

And ignore your mother, she doesn’t get an opinion on this!

Gift buying - one box chocs, shared between him and his partner, max cost £5. Done.

Going to see them - your choice, but if BIL has history of finding the DCs overwhelming I'm inclined to think he should see that your DH comes as a package with you and the DCs evil

Finally most vegan friendly places do tend to be gluten-free friendly too.

Sounds like BiL has no interest in the kids and isn't a very nice person so I wouldn't bother going. Why has your mum got anything to do with it? I would just ignore her and tell DH no.

Dear OP,
Please don't go. Say you are ill...anything, but do not put yourself (or your children) through this visit
Why does your MIL ignore you?
Why does your DH allow her behaviour to go unchallenged?
As for BIL and husband, not even worth commenting upon.

I had a aunt like your MIL. At worse she made rude/passive aggressive comments about me and my family,at best she ignored me. I finally decided enough was enough and I now refuse to visit her
(she is my only Irish relative in England) or answer the phone when she rings.
It's so liberating.

Wow. Your 'Dear' Husband has certainly taken after his mother and brother, hasn't he? Apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Options. Firstly, I think you really need to show your 'D'H this thread. He sounds like a self-absorbed jerk who doesn't give a shit about his own children or his wife, only himself.

Secondly, tell 'D'H that you'll go but he has 100% responsibility for the kids, you, are doing nothing. Likelihood that this will fail and he will conveniently 'forget' on the day is high.

Thirdly, you can ignore your jerk of a 'D'H's face - if he only pulls a face, that's hardly the worst thing is it - and say you are not going; that is it, that is FINAL.

I suggest you take the first and third options, and especially the third. It sounds like it will be miserable for you and for your DC, and your H doesn't give a shit because YOU cope with it all, he doesn't have to do a thing. So of course, he has a great time. His 'I'm good Jack, fck you' is obvious. You will be miserable (not that your H gives a fck. Your children will be miserable (not that your H gives a fck). It's all what he wants, and you (his wife and mother of his children) and his own children can go to buggery. Right? NO!* Get some ovaries, pull your spine up straight, lock in place. And say definitely, absolutely that you are NOT going, and nothing will change your mind. You and the kids are NOT going.

It's quite simple really. Just have the ovaries to say NO! He can pull all the fcken faces he wants. But you won't change your mind. It is it, it is how it is and how it's going to be. Mean it. He* can accept it, or go to buggery. Say NO! People your children first. Put yourself first. For once.

I'd also consider if you want to stay married to such a narcissistic, self-serving pig of a man who consistently puts your and your children's needs dead last, but that's for another time.

I’ll be gently speaking to my dh

Arrghhh! There is no 'gently' about it! Gently clearly doesn't work with him, that is why you are in the situation you are! Stuff the 'gently'. That is your whole problem. Don't speak to him, TELL him. In no uncertain terms.

No idea why I've got two posts, only clicked once. Sorry.

I would not go.
Tell dh he either takes the eldest 2 and you go somewhere with dc3 or you are staying at home.
He needs to start parenting his children.
How is your dh in general?
Does he manage the dcs behaviour?
It doesn't seem like he has any idea. Why would he agree to meet in such an unsuitable place.
As for the presents, leave it entirely up to deal with.

Totally agree with SarahNade here.

Your DH wants you there because you do the hard work.

This time, get rid of the people-pleasing bit of yourself and put your foot down. No "talking gently" with DH.

Decide what would be best for your DC and say that's what will happen. MIL and BIL don't appear to give a fuck about you and the DC so don't waste time pandering to them.

And ignore your own mum, she can reign her people-pleasing in too.

I spent too many years trying to please others. Not any more, I have zero fucks to give now.

Tell your dh that you don’t want to go because he will leave all the childcare to you, and that he is going to take all 3 kids while you stay home, so that he gets a full appreciation of what it’s like, and learns to do his share of childcare in future. Don’t be gentle about it, get your own face on.

Sit back and wait for him to decide that you and the kids should all stay home.

(Also, what are your dh’s good points?)

Op
Your mother is worried that if you grow a spine and use it with your ILs, you will use it with your mother too when you do not agree with her.

I’ve emailed the pub and there’s only two options that are gluten free for kids. They can’t guarantee no contamination and two of the kids will not eat what is on offer. BIL doesn’t want to go to his mum’s as it’s a bit further (he seems to resent the two hour journey once a year for family but doesn’t mind if it’s to borrow her car for his hobby). Dh has already mentioned what a pain it is taking any of them out to eat so I’m not sure what plan he has. My parents have said they’d have my youngest for me but there’s been a lot of change over the holidays and I don’t ideally want to leave them with their grandparents. Posters are right I need to be tougher. He’s very much that he doesn’t want to be told and yes he can be a real selfish git. I’ve bent a lot to accommodate him for an easy life. I’ve only refused to go to his mother’s once as I didn’t feel well.

You need to start putting yourself and your children’s needs ahead of your petulant husband. Ignore his ‘face’ and tell him you’re not going, what’s the worst thing that will happen?