The mum that cried wolf!

[Chester1980]

We are on route to my sister’s house for Christmas. It’s a 7 hour drive with a toddler. We had wanted to stay at home to have a little family Christmas for the first time and not needing to travel. But it was important for my parents to see our son, as they haven’t seen him much due to the distance and my dad’s poor health (he had a stroke about a year ago).

My mum is v manipulative and suddenly a month ago said she had severe osteoarthritis, which meant she was crawling up the stairs. She’s been using a stick for a little while, but to be as bad as she’s saying is quite a sudden onset. Over the years she has always used her health as an excuse to get out of things and get attention, when there clearly wasn’t much wrong. I genuinely just do not believe she is that bad on the back of growing up with her manipulation. She now has my dad looking after her....he’s the one that needs looking after. She won’t accept any help. My sister had social services visit because the house wasn’t fit for my dad in his health condition, and she shunned them away. She has lots of money in savings, but will not spend it to improve the house for my dad (despite the fact she NEVER works and never kept the house growing up. She wouldn’t even cook for us, I remember clearly looking forward to going to my nans house to get a nutritious meal).

Anyway. I just heard her in the background make a sarcastic comment about me talking to her. We are in the car on this long journey with a toddler for them, otherwise they wouldn’t see him. We’ve done this journey 4 times this year. Once when he was 8 weeks old.

I feel so resentful to her. I had no help when my son was born despite having a c-section. I know this is bad to say, but I actually dislike her. I want my dad to spend time with his only grandson, but she makes it so tense. I know I should try and be sympathetic to her, but I just don’t trust her. She said she was having a hip replacement in January, as I had said that if it’s that bad, she should be getting one. But she couldn’t give me a date, or show the letter. Surely you’d have a letter by now if you’re lined up for such surgery?

Turn around and go home.

Fuck that shit.

I feel your pain OP. my mother has a track record for using her health as a stick to beat me with.
I’m sorry to say that I would suck it up and go but that’s years of conditioning. I’d love to say be strong and stay at home (that’s what I honestly think would be best for all) but I would (and will) take toddler on a long car journey to visit a manipulative mother whose grasp I can never quite escape.
Whatever you decide please try to embrace your decision and not beat yourself up for not choosing the other option. Be strong and kind to yourself. X

What pp said! ^

That sounds like hard work but I'd stop engaging with the health concerns. She says she's getting a hip replacement? Oh right, let me know how it goes. No making her prove it, that's just feeding the drama.

I don't know what to suggest about help for your dad, could visiting carers be organised or would she be likely to cancel them? What does your dad say about his requirements?

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup my dad is ex-RAF, so I tried to get this charity involved. They can help veterans like him with occupational health. Me and him were quietly doing it on the side, so he was up for getting that help. He sent me his old ID number etc. However, if there is a certain amount of savings in the household, they can’t help. My mum has mote than the cut off, but she very much won’t share it.

Unfortunately for him, she has really ground him down over the years. He doesn’t see his family. If he mentions them, she makes negative comments. I secretly went to a party organised by one of them over the summer! How ridiculous that I feel like he need to go to my elderly aunties party in secret. She found out I did and I had seven missed calls on my phone.

Thank you for the tips. It sounds like a good idea. I will keep it short and change the subject.

Honestly, I’d be turning round and going home at this point. Yes, she’ll make your decision all about her but at least you won’t have to be there to listen to it!

Chicken nuggets and chips and a Christmas film on the telly. Your DS will love it. Give your dad a call later to wish him a Merry Christmas, you can make the trip to see him at a less fraught time.

Thank you @Onekidnoclue. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I can completely understand that feeling of wanting to escape that grasp. It’s the one reason I moved far away. The hope the distance would help x

OP... you have 109% of the voters saying YANBU ! So that must be a sign!

Back to 100% now... as you were

I'd turn around and go home.

I'd pick your Dad up, then turn around and go home...

I'm so sorry, Chester, and I understand. You are doing this for your Dad, not her.

I spent a lifetime doing things for my Dad's sake, not my mother's. She treated both of us badly and as she got older, she got worse. He passed away three months ago and I miss him every day. She'll probably outlive everyone on earth, nagging and complaining and being manipulative till her last breath.

You are already en route and the desire to turn around must be so strong. If you do keep going, though, I hope you manage to carve out a little time and space tomorrow for you and your OH and your little boy, a little peaceful space where you can just be glad you've got each other. 💐

I wouldn't go home as they are now expecting you - but have no qualms about leaving early if she's a pain.

Even though my Dad had reasonable savings, Social Services still came and fitted shower handles, bannisters and I think a rail on the step to the front door.

She cray cray

I'm on the fence. I don't have a great relationship with my mum but I adored my dad (also ex-RAF) and I wanted my kids to have a relationship with him. He was ds's favourite grandparent and ds was devastated when he died last year. For that reason I'd probably try and stick it out. However I was diagnosed with c-ptsd and attachment issues from my childhood earlier in the year so I'm probably not the best person to take advice from.

But she couldn’t give me a date, or show the letter. Surely you’d have a letter by now if you’re lined up for such surgery?

Dh got a phonecall for his hernia op 4 days before hand.

@SingingLily your second paragraph is scarily close to how it is. She will live forever. My biggest fear for years has been losing my dad. It just seems so unfair that this is his life. I’m so sorry you lost your dad :(

@incogKNEEto we wanted to get him to us for our sons first birthday. She had created drama leading up to it, so I said I didn’t want her to take away from my sons birthday. He then messaged me to say that they rely on each other, so he couldn’t come without her. I know that came from her and not him.

Your mother is using your father as bait to draw you in so that she can attack you

I should add, that she did have severe mental health issues. She was sectioned when I was 6 months old. She was diagnosed with a paranoid psychosis. As she is paranoid about all authorities, we have not been able to get her treatment since. She has no insight

This is only going to get worse, you should be thinking about the long-term and what you are prepared to put up with, where are you going to draw your boundaries?
If you have no boundaries she will destroy you

Your Dad has some responsibility though OP in all this.
You are, however, perfectly entitled to dislike your Mum.
Your sister will probably be delighted to see you though, it will probably not be the most relaxing Christmas for any of you.
Stay home next year.

This is ridiculous. My anxiety is building over silly things like me having not put make up on. My skin is a bit spotty an md I know she’ll look at it and comment. I haven’t got clothes on that hide my mum tum either. 😭

I'd pick your Dad up, then turn around and go home... This!

Go back home. Make up your own 'health reason'. Lie to her, and don't feel bad about it.

OP, well done for not living close by.

Cut it short if it gets too much.

Allow yourself the comfort of knowing that if your father passes first you need never see her again.

You do not have to be in contact with someone so unpleasant.

Wishing you well 💐

Thank you, Chester.

Your Dad, sadly, is dependent on her and has to survive in the world she creates so he does what he has to do to get by. It's heartbreaking to watch and to feel so helpless, yet there it is.

Just get through the day as best you can. Remember that your OH loves you, your little boy loves you and your Dad loves you just as you are. That you are a loved and loving woman and mother and that your worth is not dependent on her increasingly erratic worldviews.

She is an unhappy, angry and ultimately hollow person and the only way she can deal with her unhappiness is by dumping it on you and anyone else around her. You, by sharp contrast, bring light and colour and love and laughter to the people around you. And that's worth everything.

My best wishes to you.