The mum that cried wolf!

[Chester1980]

We are on route to my sister’s house for Christmas. It’s a 7 hour drive with a toddler. We had wanted to stay at home to have a little family Christmas for the first time and not needing to travel. But it was important for my parents to see our son, as they haven’t seen him much due to the distance and my dad’s poor health (he had a stroke about a year ago).

My mum is v manipulative and suddenly a month ago said she had severe osteoarthritis, which meant she was crawling up the stairs. She’s been using a stick for a little while, but to be as bad as she’s saying is quite a sudden onset. Over the years she has always used her health as an excuse to get out of things and get attention, when there clearly wasn’t much wrong. I genuinely just do not believe she is that bad on the back of growing up with her manipulation. She now has my dad looking after her....he’s the one that needs looking after. She won’t accept any help. My sister had social services visit because the house wasn’t fit for my dad in his health condition, and she shunned them away. She has lots of money in savings, but will not spend it to improve the house for my dad (despite the fact she NEVER works and never kept the house growing up. She wouldn’t even cook for us, I remember clearly looking forward to going to my nans house to get a nutritious meal).

Anyway. I just heard her in the background make a sarcastic comment about me talking to her. We are in the car on this long journey with a toddler for them, otherwise they wouldn’t see him. We’ve done this journey 4 times this year. Once when he was 8 weeks old.

I feel so resentful to her. I had no help when my son was born despite having a c-section. I know this is bad to say, but I actually dislike her. I want my dad to spend time with his only grandson, but she makes it so tense. I know I should try and be sympathetic to her, but I just don’t trust her. She said she was having a hip replacement in January, as I had said that if it’s that bad, she should be getting one. But she couldn’t give me a date, or show the letter. Surely you’d have a letter by now if you’re lined up for such surgery?

You’re doing so well op! Totally understand the panic attacks and desire to see your dad.
My mother had a similar post partum experience after I was born. I think that’s part of the reason she blames me for everything going.
It’s very empathetic of you to think of this about her decades later but it doesn’t excuse her behaviour. She’s had an awful lot of love and support since then. She’s responsible for her behaviour. Try to not let the hurtful comments in (easier said than done).
You’re in a shit position but cling on to the fact you’re a better mother and daughter and wife than she will ever be or has ever been. She would not have suffered through a journey like you’re doing to make some else’s Christmas better.
You’re a loving person. Don’t let that be used against you. X

I’d be telling her straight, you’re her daughter but you’re an adult OP. “We’re here to see dad, so you just keep your comments to yourself and we’ll all be just fine.”
Then ignore and smile at her every comment and treat her like the bully she is.

Your father is the hostage in this situation, what's the best way to deal with a hostage situation?

Turn around. This is not worth your sanity

I'd be inventing a tummy bug and turning around OP!

As the child of a parent with similar mental health issues I completely sympathise. Unfortunately she probably fully believes she has the health problems she has told you about. My DP told me they'd had an operation to remove a benign brain tumour. It very much wasn't true and confirmed that it wasn't by the care home they're in. Pick up your dad, turn around and go back home when you get there.

Hi, I have a toxic mother too, it sucks. I see her as little as possible, her shit is her shit! She also makes nasty comments about my appearance and what I’m wearing. She is the same with my SIL, I don’t take it personally.

When we do have to put in an obligatory visit we have put in place strategies to deal with her over the years. DH is not emotionally invested so he runs interference by making small talk with her ... there are things that she can talk about for hours if you ask the right question.

When she makes cutting remarks I just reply “well that’s not kind” like you would do with a toddler! The first time I said it her face was a picture, .

When it all gets too much I find a job to do round the house to “help” them. Or pop to the shops for something urgent we simply have to have.

We now treat it like a game ... my husband chuckles when I “must bleach the loo for you mum”.

Good luck. Take care of your dad.

OP, I would be speaking very plainly with your mother. Give her back what she gives you. Have a nice time with your family and explain to her she can be part of it or choose not to but you won’t tolerate her awful behaviour any longer.

Let her cry, shout or whatever. None of this will be new and you have survived her shit so far.

As for your dad, maybe it’s time you and your sister had a talk with him about what he needs - is he happy being with your mother or would he like things to change?

Isnt that abuse of your ddad-controling what he has money etc? sahe cant deprive him f help like that

id get some advice about this

It certainly is coercive control but unless OPs dad specifically says he wants something done there is little that services will do unless her actions cause him sufficient harm.

I would turn the car around and go home now. Tell her the babys been sick so you've had to go home. Go home and order an Indian take away for dinner. You dont have to allow yourself to be manipulated. You can say no and feel fine about it.

And yes, she can deprive him if he comes across as a willing participant

Girlattheback

I am that your mother is so awful that bleaching the loo is better than being in her company.

Sounds like he might be better off in a home near you, where he can get proper care and you could visit regularly.

@Ellie56 maybe my phone comes with me

She is unwell. Her illness might be mental rather than physical but it’s real nonetheless. I’m not saying that makes it ok or that you should have to deal with her nastiness. I didn’t speak to my own mother for a long time for similar reasons so I get it, but for your own well being and sanity it might be easier if you can try and see her behaviour as a symptom of her illnesses

Since your dad had a stroke, does he have a health visitor or social worker that you could talk to? Your mum is obviously unfit to look after him.
Try not to react to any negative comments from her - just smile and nod, or "uh-huh", and concentrate on building the relationship between DC and your dad.

No-one is making you go though? It's up to your dad really to change things with your mother. You can't do it for him.

It sounds like your dad has stayed with her for years- in a passive way bit that is his choice. Now you too also have the choice how to or not to engage with her.

This is from someone who is NC with such a mother, unfortunately my dad also never managed to escape and is still very enmeshed with her despite them being divorced (sigh)

I wonder if you could engineer a holiday where you take your dad but your mum can't go due to her back pain - just to give your dad a break from her. She sounds bloody awful.

If she is restricting your Dad's access to joint funding this is coercive and controlling behaviour.

If my dad was going through this I would be speaking to the local council about an adult safeguarding referral.

Sorry this is so rubbish for you and your dad.

It might be worth having a word with Age Concern - it sounds like she is actually abusing your father by refusing to care for him or allow anyone else to help. they may have some advice.
And sympathies to you. It's even more difficult dealing with people like this at Christmas.

I don't think I'd turn around. I'd go and put up with her for your old dad's sake. I'd take no shit off her, but I would still go. And I agree with a PP above, show very little emotion or interest in her complaints or comments. Simply reply "Mm-hmm, that's nice/that's terrible" but offer nothing else.

Can you urge (beg) your dad to leave her? If he can't live with you or a sibling (and I understand if that's not possible) can he live in some sort of supported flat? If you research and it's feasible and you present it as "Dad, you can really do this. It's within your means, honestly" would he leave? In the US they have Veteran's Homes, some are nice, some are 'so so'. Maybe they have something similar in the UK? I hate to think of any 'old soldier' (or airman or sailor) spending their last years in anything but peace and calm.

Are these savings only in your mum's name? If not, could you arrange (with your dad) to transfer some of it to either his name or a joint account with you?

Your dad is a victim of coercive control and financial abuse. If your mum was hitting him you'd be telling him to leave. This is really no different.

Turn around and go home.

Fuck that shit

THIS.. with festive bells on

Hi. You can get a social services assessment to look at their needs. This isn't savings related, they can then advise you. My mum had a stair rail, special bed, grab rails etc installed for free even though we had to pay for her carers due to her savings. Could you speak to social services and explain the situation as it sounds as if your dad is quite vulnerable?