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AIBU?

To not know what to do about mums alcoholism

118 replies

Subeccoo · 24/12/2019 10:33

My mum is an alcoholic, has been all my life.
It's just an accepted part of the family, she drinks too much and that's the way it is.
Various family members myself included have told her and offered support over the years, my brother and I are virtually tee total to present a healthy lifestyle in front of her.
Our dad likes his beer but in no way to the extent and refuses to engage in discussion about it. I pulled him aside recently after a particularly bad episode but he just says she will not see a doctor or give up alcohol.
She is sick, really sick. Her skin is yellow, she eats nothing, her movements are slow.
There seems to be nothing we can do and I don't know what to do about it, I'm convinced she'll die really soon.
Irony is she's drinking very little at the moment, but has a small glass every day.
Has anyone dealt with a family member going through this?
What do you do? Just watch them fucking die?

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NewtonPulsifer · 25/12/2019 01:28

NACOA is an amazing charity, their 6 C’s are so important
www.nacoa.org.uk/adults.html

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ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 25/12/2019 14:15

Merry Christmas OP Flowers

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Subeccoo · 25/12/2019 17:26

Thanks.
I'm with her today. She's been drinking. She's actually eaten too which is good.
I have a pounding headache, an am trying to lie on sofa, my family are so loud Sad

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NameChangedForTheDay · 25/12/2019 23:30

@Subeccoo Well dine with getting through the day. I'm glad it's been okay, all things considered.

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Shannith · 26/12/2019 13:03

@Subeccoo I'm thinking of you.

It might help the arguments to hand this over to medical professionals.

Please call 111 - the chances are they will send an ambulance.

She may not be in full liver failure, but it can't be far off. Don't stop her drinking. She'd likely go into seizures which can be fatal (this is advice from my liver consultant to my family).

There is lots of emotional support for relatives of alcoholics which I hope you can access in time.

For now I'd strongly advise you to hand it over to doctors and nurses who can give her any appropriate treatment, even if it's just pain relief and sedation.

I am so so so sorry.

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Subeccoo · 26/12/2019 14:20

I'm on my holiday now, I feel ill and miserable but my siblings are there.
I feel like a shit being away but that's that, I can always get back if I really have to and to be honest it's so hard seeing her all the time, I can maybe pretend it's not happening.
I can't imagine a scenario where we call an ambulance until she collapses, if we did it while she's semi with it she'll fall to pieces and I just can't put her through that again. She's got very little dignity at the moment, I can't see her the way she was the other day.
It's so so cruel.

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JustNC · 26/12/2019 14:49

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It's fucking shit having to stand and watch someone you love slowly kill themselves.

My DM is an alcoholic. It didn't start until her early 50s so I didn't grow up with her being an alcoholic. It makes me sad when I remember who she used to be. She's a very horrible drunk. She says and does really spiteful and awful things. Even during her moments of being sober, she takes absolutely no responsibility for her alcoholism. She has a list of excuses to justify drinking. She's gone cold turkey, she's gone to AA, she's had medication. The longest she's been sober is about two weeks. I've been NC with her for almost a year now because I refuse to be her emotional punching bag.

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Subeccoo · 26/12/2019 15:03

Really sorry to hear that. I feel guilty I should have seen this coming. Us kids all have issues with alcohol and the use of it, I've never seen the effects to this extent, just the odd drunken bitch from her over the years and her being embarrassing.
But now she's a frail old lady and it's just awful to see, she's not old, she's 68, younger than loads of my friends parents who are so much fitter and healthier.
Ill never put my kids through this.

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ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 26/12/2019 16:19

Try and enjoy your holiday OP. There is nothing you can do until she is ready to accept help.

You can’t call an ambulance against your DMs wishes while she has capacity as they won’t do anything without her consent.

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Shannith · 26/12/2019 17:15

@Subeccoo I'm glad you have got away. Try to enjoy yourself. There is nothing you could do, wherever you are.

If you have issues with alcohol it might be worth looking at al anon and AA for you.

I bet she thought she'd never put her kids through this. It's an awful, awful disease that kills and destroys lives.

Don't feel guilty. I know that's so hard but you didn't cause this and you can't cure it. That sounds so trite, but I'm an alcoholic and it's true.

It's a terrible way to live and to die. My thoughts are with you all.

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Bluerussian · 26/12/2019 17:38

I am so, so sorry for you, Subecco and for all the others here who have had alcoholic parents and loved ones. I had a friend who died at 36 as the result of alcoholism, she'd been in and out of hospital for a long time and eventually her heart just gave out. It's terribly sad.

You are a strong group of caring people.

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Subeccoo · 27/12/2019 08:13

I will be going to alanon, aa isn't for me as I'm currently a non drinker, but issues I mean I can't handle people drinking at all and am very judgemental (to me everyone is an alcoholic, I can't normalise drinking at all).
But I do go through phases of having a few and being OK with it, then the loathing creeps in. This is what I mean by issues!!

I haven't heard from her while away and I'm gonna keep it that way.

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Fleetheart · 27/12/2019 08:25

@subeccoo, so sad for you that you are going through this. You sound like an absolute caring, kind and thoughtful daughter. Please don’t feel guilty, you have done your best, you didn’t choose this, your mum did. It’s so hard to accept but only your mum ever had any power to stop this. All the best to you. I think Al anon will help. Flowers

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Fieldofgreycorn · 27/12/2019 16:02

Yes you’ve tried your best and you’ll always know that now. You’ve seen how she gets if you try to make her get help and you’ve seen how it’s just not possible. You’ve done all you can.

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Subeccoo · 30/12/2019 10:02

Hi all, I'm still on holiday until tonight, get back really late. My dad has had to call an ambulance, I don't know any details. I'm all alone having a panic attack in a city abroad, meeting husband in an hour so just trying to breathe and find some food as not eaten yet.
I'm so scared.

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WorkingItOutAsIGo · 30/12/2019 10:10

You poor thing. There is literally nothing you can do so use your day today to look after yourself and ready yourself for a difficult time when you get back. Walk in the sun, see something beautiful, eat something lovely, buy something small and delicious. Find somewhere special and pray for your parents.

The world will turn and you will get home and then you can deal with whatever faces you.

Good luck.

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LittleBearPad · 30/12/2019 10:14

Working’s advice is good.
Take care OP

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Flipper1234 · 30/12/2019 10:14

So sorry you’re going through this. Glad an ambulance is on its way. I’ve been sober 8 years now, I was a functioning alcoholic with two young kids. I used to rationalise my intake by thinking “well nobody has said anything so I can’t be that bad”. I hope your mum gets the help she needs in hospital. Keep being honest with her and tell her when you need a break and why. You can’t make her stop drinking but nobody should pretend it isn’t an issue. Sending big hugs your way xx

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bluejelly · 30/12/2019 13:09

Thinking of you Subeccoo...

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DrivingMsCrazy · 30/12/2019 13:42

I'm so sorry for you OP, there are some wise words already said by those who have gone through this. I can only imagine how devastating this must be.

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Subeccoo · 30/12/2019 14:07

I've had an OK day and my siblings and adult children have kept me updated. Theyre in hospital now but still don't know the extent of it.
Gonna be a long night. Starting the trek to the airport now Sad

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SuzieSunshine · 30/12/2019 14:24

You never know OP this maybe the wake up call she needs. Time will tell but I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason so hopefully she will see how ill she is and take heed. Fingers crossed for you OP but it's true until she wants to help herself there is nothing anyone can say or do that will change things.

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Fleetheart · 30/12/2019 14:27

Please be kind to yourself, recognise that you have not caused this, your mum will be looked after, there is nothing that you can do at the moment. Also; you’re not responsible for your mum.

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OhBigHairyBollocks · 30/12/2019 16:06

I'm so sorry OP.

Please try Al-anon. I attend at least once a week, it's my saviour.
Alcoholism is so sad. Its so sad and it affects the whole family, not just the drinker.

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Zofloramummy · 31/12/2019 14:40

How is your mum @subeccoo?

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