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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possible unexpected dinner guest for Christmas

91 replies

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 06:23

We're a family of 4: me, DH and 2 young kids. MIL lives nearby on her own, is in poor health and DH is her carer.

MIL had a partner, who I'll call Tom, who died a few years ago. Tom had a brother, Peter. Tom was ill for a while before he died so MIL, Tom and Peter spent a lot of time together. When Tom died MIL kind of inherited Peter. Peter wanted more from MIL than she did although he used to come to hers often and stay for days/weeks.

They fell out often and he would go home but he'd always end up phoning her from her local pub asking if she wanted anything brought in and would go to hers. He has no other ties to where she lives but came from 30 miles away to go to that particular pub after she'd told him to leave her alone.

In his defence he has looked after her a lot over the past few years taking her to hospital appts, visiting her in hospital daily when she was very poorly, taking her to treatments, getting her shopping etc. At this time DH was working a lot so couldn't do these things. Now DH is her carer he takes her to everything so Peter is no longer required to do that.

Anyway, they fell out again recently and MIL said that was definitely it this time (it always is) however DH went to hers yesterday and Peter had turned up the day before so 3 days before Christmas. He has no family in this country.

He came to ours for Christmas dinner 2 years ago because we found out he was planning on staying in MILs house himself whilst she came to ours. This was right in the middle of him looking after her so we invited him as wouldn't have had him staying at hers alone on Christmas day. Since then though we've found out how annoyed MIL is by him and that he takes the piss when staying at hers.

DH and I have had a rough couple of years and normally host our families at Christmas however this year we wanted it to be just the 4 of us (and MIL). We have been so looking forward to it.

Now we are thinking we'll need to invite Peter as he's rocked up back at MILs with his feet under the table again. I can't help thinking he's done this on purpose. 3 days before Christmas when they haven't spoken in weeks?? MIL had been ignoring his calls/texts. Peter will know that MIL will be coming to ours and if he doesn't go home today he won't be able to go on Christmas day as no public transport. DH will be going to pick up MIL tomorrow and it's likely Peter will be there sitting in her living room and being left whilst she comes to ours for Christmas dinner.

I feel guilty at the thought of leaving him but I also feel he's being manipulative. We want a low key, quiet Christmas with the focus on ours kids which we promised them especially as our house is usually so busy on Christmas day and our focus is normally on hosting.

Would we be unreasonable not to ask him??

OP posts:

DarlingNikita · 24/12/2019 10:04

This is really hard. I don’t know what I’d do, tbh, but I think I’d probably invite him to Christmas lunch rather than leave him alone. I’d make clear that it was a lunch invite and that from 3pm on (or whenever) was quiet family time but we’d be glad to drive/walk him back.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/12/2019 10:06

It is a tricky one and you have my sympathy. It's possible that MIL is relenting and allowing Peter back into her life because she's lonely, and the company of a dickhead is better than none - but it's equally possible that she gives in because he wears her down - whether that's by being forceful or by boohooing about how lonely he is.
As a PP said, it's compounded by the way women, in particular, are socialised to be 'nice' and put other people ahead of themselves, particularly men, so your MIL, if she's elderly, will be so used to giving men what they want it will be really hard for her to say no to him.

It''s probably the case that she wants rid of him and can't bring herself to say so, and she might be grateful for your DH taking control, turfing him out and changing the key code etc. But you will need some sort of confirmation from her. Otherwise, if the situation is more that she likes to moan about Peter but will take him back into her home because she's lonely/she's used to him/he's all right really, then changing key codes will just be a waste of time and effort.

nicslackey · 24/12/2019 10:12

"The OP has no proper connection to him. If you’re so concerned why don’t you find out where he is and you have him over."
Wow just wow. What a charitable lot you are. Really getting into the spirit of the season. And before you start slabbering, I am putting my money where my mouth is and welcoming people who would otherwise be alone to share my family's meal. Not a stealth boast, just think I could not see somebody on their own at what can be a difficult and lonely time of the year. But whatever. God forbid anyone should put themselves out or show a little compassion to your fellow man. I sure you all genuinely think you are nice people ( as long as it doesn't involve actually doing anything which might affect your lives) If this situation has been going on so long and you are so concerned about mil, you have taken a long time to address it. I wonder why she feels so lonely / vulnerable when her son and his family only live 20 minutes away. Before you all start flaming me, take a moment to remember what day it is tomorrow. I am an atheist but even I recognise the irony given the Christian story involving there being no room at the inn. Or maybe it is all just about food, presents etc?

Hayhayleigh · 24/12/2019 10:25

Do not ask him, sounds like a freeloading wierdo

allthefood · 24/12/2019 10:25

He's letting himself into her apartment without permission and taking advantage of her safe/key code? And she feels she can't get him out. Why is no one calling the police?

FraglesRock · 24/12/2019 10:31

I think she needs help.
Tell her he's not invited for Xmas, so he should make travel plans home today.
Get dh to change the key safe and inform carers
Could she also change her phone number

csxiot · 24/12/2019 12:24

@nicslackey Totally agree with everything you've said. I'm really taken aback by all the v. uncharitable comments! Yes, it's a bit inconvenient, and not exactly what you wanted but to deliberately leave someone alone on Christmas Day is unnecessarily harsh, imho.

FlaviaAlbia · 24/12/2019 13:02

It's good to being kind, but not if you're being kind to this man at the expense of a woman who is owed more loyalty and is equally deserving of kindness.

Jux · 24/12/2019 13:13

csxiot I disagree. I don't see the difference between leaving him alone on Christmas day and leaving him alone any other day. He is a parasite on op's mil and she needs help getting rid of him.

csxiot · 24/12/2019 13:33

Of course OP shouldn't put his comfort before that of her MIL - I didn't mean to imply that. I was just replying on the basis that OP's MIL seemed not to care either way, else surely she would have said no when asked? Also, OP mentions him taking her MIL to appts, treatments, etc.. while her DH was still working and thus presumably saving her money by her not having to pay a professional carer, etc?

Blahblahblah12345 · 24/12/2019 22:33

What did you do in the end OP?

TrueCrimeFan · 25/12/2019 03:31

He sounds very manipulative

I would support MIL by getting rid of him for good

mummyway · 25/12/2019 05:44

Sounds like he is taking advantage and you would be enabling him if you invited him for Xmas. Please dont

Original poster

glitterboom · 26/12/2019 07:27

Just to update. I spoke to MIL on Christmas Eve, she said she was okay with him coming.

I said he was welcome at ours if she was happy about it and to have a think and let us know.

My feelings were if MIL was happy for him to come then so were we, I wouldn't want him being left alone on Christmas day. If she didn't want him there then that would be a different matter.

So he came and it was fine. Thanks all for your thoughts.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2019 09:02

Good to know. I still think there is a discussion with your mil to be had though...

Original poster

glitterboom · 26/12/2019 11:10

Yes, I think so. It might be a case that she doesn't want him around at all and she needs help to get rid or she is just having a rant each time they fall out and when the dust settles it's okay again until he over stays his welcome once more.

OP posts:

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