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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possible unexpected dinner guest for Christmas

91 replies

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 06:23

We're a family of 4: me, DH and 2 young kids. MIL lives nearby on her own, is in poor health and DH is her carer.

MIL had a partner, who I'll call Tom, who died a few years ago. Tom had a brother, Peter. Tom was ill for a while before he died so MIL, Tom and Peter spent a lot of time together. When Tom died MIL kind of inherited Peter. Peter wanted more from MIL than she did although he used to come to hers often and stay for days/weeks.

They fell out often and he would go home but he'd always end up phoning her from her local pub asking if she wanted anything brought in and would go to hers. He has no other ties to where she lives but came from 30 miles away to go to that particular pub after she'd told him to leave her alone.

In his defence he has looked after her a lot over the past few years taking her to hospital appts, visiting her in hospital daily when she was very poorly, taking her to treatments, getting her shopping etc. At this time DH was working a lot so couldn't do these things. Now DH is her carer he takes her to everything so Peter is no longer required to do that.

Anyway, they fell out again recently and MIL said that was definitely it this time (it always is) however DH went to hers yesterday and Peter had turned up the day before so 3 days before Christmas. He has no family in this country.

He came to ours for Christmas dinner 2 years ago because we found out he was planning on staying in MILs house himself whilst she came to ours. This was right in the middle of him looking after her so we invited him as wouldn't have had him staying at hers alone on Christmas day. Since then though we've found out how annoyed MIL is by him and that he takes the piss when staying at hers.

DH and I have had a rough couple of years and normally host our families at Christmas however this year we wanted it to be just the 4 of us (and MIL). We have been so looking forward to it.

Now we are thinking we'll need to invite Peter as he's rocked up back at MILs with his feet under the table again. I can't help thinking he's done this on purpose. 3 days before Christmas when they haven't spoken in weeks?? MIL had been ignoring his calls/texts. Peter will know that MIL will be coming to ours and if he doesn't go home today he won't be able to go on Christmas day as no public transport. DH will be going to pick up MIL tomorrow and it's likely Peter will be there sitting in her living room and being left whilst she comes to ours for Christmas dinner.

I feel guilty at the thought of leaving him but I also feel he's being manipulative. We want a low key, quiet Christmas with the focus on ours kids which we promised them especially as our house is usually so busy on Christmas day and our focus is normally on hosting.

Would we be unreasonable not to ask him??

OP posts:

Original poster

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 07:47

@HoppingPavlova She tells us she does tell him he's not welcome. She ignores his calls etc for months but then eventually he either just turns up or she answers the phone and he's in the pub near her house so she feels she has to let him come to hers.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 24/12/2019 07:48

How wood you like to be treated when you are older?

JoanBonJovi · 24/12/2019 07:48

She sounds nuts

Original poster

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 07:50

It is quite unhealthy I think. He pisses her off to be frank. But this cycle of him being there for days, fall outs, she says that's definitely it and then weeks/months later it's back to the same.

OP posts:

Straightintoit · 24/12/2019 07:51

But does she let him in because he wears her down and disregards her protests? Because him being unable to take no for an answer is worrying.

Minky35 · 24/12/2019 07:52

Your mil Is giving him mixed messages about the friendship. Why does she still seem to want him / accept him back on the scene? Is it due to the previous help he’s given her with appointments? Does she think she may need to fall back on that again if DH can’t do it in future?

grincheux · 24/12/2019 08:01

The first thing I thought was that this is potentially a safeguarding issue. I'd be inclined to have a robust conversation with him about staying away.

JeezyPeeps · 24/12/2019 08:02

How far away does he live? Could your DH give him a lift home if he hasn't already left?

If you keep inviting him he'll keep assuming it's OK. And it sounds like your mil would be glad he wasn't there.

XJerseyGirlX · 24/12/2019 08:05

You need to sort this.
Ask your DH if he wouldn't mind driving him
Home. Change the key code and give it to your mums nurses. This isn't fair on your mum x

misspiggy19 · 24/12/2019 08:06

Why on earth would you invite him when he's clearly manipulating and abusing your MIL? She doesn't want him yet he's imposing himself on her. Draw a line! Get him out of her house if you can. Absolutely don't invite him for Christmas!

^I agree.

MachineBee · 24/12/2019 08:06

You and DH need to help your MIL be firmer.
Change the code on the key lock and tell the nurse.
Install call screening on her phone.
Set up a video camera at the front door so she knows who’s there rather than opening the door and finding him pushing past her.
And collect her for Christmas and take him to the pub.

Is it possible for your DH to speak to him directly and make it clear that he is no longer welcome at her house?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2019 08:06

Can your Dh bite the bullet and drop him home if he collects your mil a bit early? I know it’s a hell of a treck. But the roads will be clear. Better still if he drops your mil off first. The other possibility would be to take him home today. Your dh could then have a word with him and tell him to back off.

DinoSn0re · 24/12/2019 08:07

I think your DH should be forceful and get rid of this man from his mother’s life. He sounds as though he is being very manipulative and taking advantage of a vulnerable woman

Exactly this ^

eddielizzard · 24/12/2019 08:10

Your MIL doesn't want him, but he turns up anyway. You can say no and take the pressure off her. If she really doesn't want him coming round, you might have to help her with changing the code etc. He's being v manipulative. Stand firm and put your kids first for once.

5zeds · 24/12/2019 08:16

What was it like when your FIL was alive?

You can get a lock where you buzz people in and can see and talk to them (if you want to) from your chair. She is very frail and very vulnerable and what you are describing is unsafe.

Troels · 24/12/2019 08:23

She doesn't let him in. He lets himself in?
Then Dh goes round, kicks him out and changes the code on the keysafe. followed by calling the carers agency to inform them of the number change. A note next to the key safe saying to call xx number (you and Dh) if your agency didn't give the code.
He's taking advantage of MIL knowing he can let himself in and she won't kick him out.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/12/2019 08:29

It doesn't sound as though she wants him there at all. He just pushed his way in. Your DH needs to help her to feel safe in her own home.

So, go over today and drive Peter home. Then after Christmas, sort out a better lock for MIL's door, that she can operate remotely and buzz people in, or not.

Sparkletastic · 24/12/2019 08:30

DH and MIL need to have a firm conversation with Peter about no longer arriving uninvited. Then DH needs to remove him to the nearest train or coach station. Agree this is a safeguarding concern.

midep · 24/12/2019 08:32

Are you absolutely sure that MIL doesn't want him there, does she relent because she's lonely?

If she's adamant he's not welcome, then it's a police matter.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/12/2019 08:35

He may well just be a lonely, socially inept man, who is deperate for company at Christmas. That doesn't make him your MIL's responsibility, or yours though, given that the way he's behaving makes MIL uncomfortable, annoyed and imposes on her.

CharityDingle · 24/12/2019 08:36

Your husband should get him out, give him a lift if necessary, change the code and give the new code only to those who need it. Everyone then relax, have a nice Christmas dinner, and have a proper chat about the situation afterwards.

twinnywinny14 · 24/12/2019 08:42

Phone mil say I know he’s there but do you want him to come for dinner just say yes or no. Then go from there

lottiegarbanzo · 24/12/2019 08:44

So I think you need to be focusing much more on her safety, wellbeing and happiness, less on your ideal Christmas Day being compromised.

I understand why you've been looking forward to the kind of Christmas you have but you're healthy and able (as far as you've said), so can accommodate an extra person, if that person is actually welcome. I do think that welcoming lonely or displaced relatives, friends, other of your choice, is part of the spirit of Christmas.

I find it a bit odd that you say you've 'only heard MIL's side of the story', as surely that's the only side you need?

Marnie76 · 24/12/2019 08:45

#ohyesiam How wood you like to be treated when you are older?

The OP has no proper connection to him. If you’re so concerned why don’t you find out where he is and you have him over.

sashh · 24/12/2019 08:48

Go round and ask him if he realises there are no busses tomorrow and that you hope he has a happy Xmas whatever he has arranged to do.

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