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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possible unexpected dinner guest for Christmas

91 replies

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 06:23

We're a family of 4: me, DH and 2 young kids. MIL lives nearby on her own, is in poor health and DH is her carer.

MIL had a partner, who I'll call Tom, who died a few years ago. Tom had a brother, Peter. Tom was ill for a while before he died so MIL, Tom and Peter spent a lot of time together. When Tom died MIL kind of inherited Peter. Peter wanted more from MIL than she did although he used to come to hers often and stay for days/weeks.

They fell out often and he would go home but he'd always end up phoning her from her local pub asking if she wanted anything brought in and would go to hers. He has no other ties to where she lives but came from 30 miles away to go to that particular pub after she'd told him to leave her alone.

In his defence he has looked after her a lot over the past few years taking her to hospital appts, visiting her in hospital daily when she was very poorly, taking her to treatments, getting her shopping etc. At this time DH was working a lot so couldn't do these things. Now DH is her carer he takes her to everything so Peter is no longer required to do that.

Anyway, they fell out again recently and MIL said that was definitely it this time (it always is) however DH went to hers yesterday and Peter had turned up the day before so 3 days before Christmas. He has no family in this country.

He came to ours for Christmas dinner 2 years ago because we found out he was planning on staying in MILs house himself whilst she came to ours. This was right in the middle of him looking after her so we invited him as wouldn't have had him staying at hers alone on Christmas day. Since then though we've found out how annoyed MIL is by him and that he takes the piss when staying at hers.

DH and I have had a rough couple of years and normally host our families at Christmas however this year we wanted it to be just the 4 of us (and MIL). We have been so looking forward to it.

Now we are thinking we'll need to invite Peter as he's rocked up back at MILs with his feet under the table again. I can't help thinking he's done this on purpose. 3 days before Christmas when they haven't spoken in weeks?? MIL had been ignoring his calls/texts. Peter will know that MIL will be coming to ours and if he doesn't go home today he won't be able to go on Christmas day as no public transport. DH will be going to pick up MIL tomorrow and it's likely Peter will be there sitting in her living room and being left whilst she comes to ours for Christmas dinner.

I feel guilty at the thought of leaving him but I also feel he's being manipulative. We want a low key, quiet Christmas with the focus on ours kids which we promised them especially as our house is usually so busy on Christmas day and our focus is normally on hosting.

Would we be unreasonable not to ask him??

OP posts:

MedusasButterDish · 24/12/2019 08:50

It sounds as though MIL could jeep him iut much more easily if she moved house. She would be able to get out herself if not in a flat, would be further from "his" pub, and could get rid of the spare room he stays in.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 24/12/2019 08:53

If your MiL really doesn’t want him around then it wouldn’t help her either if you invite him. You will further establish the principle that he’s welcome at yours for Christmas and you’ll make it more likely that he does this again in the future.

AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 24/12/2019 08:57

Could your DH take him back to his house? He'll be stuck there until after Christmas which gives you time to talk to MIL about what she wants to do about him.

And change the key code.

StCharlotte · 24/12/2019 08:58

Could she engineer the usual falling out sooner?

Seriously though your DH needs to step up here.

katewhinesalot · 24/12/2019 09:03

I think dh needs to get himself over there today and give him a lift to the train station. Support mil to assert her boundaries.

Original poster

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 09:06

I've just spoken to DH who called her whenni was in bed last night. He asked her if she wanted Peter to come and she said "I don't know, it's up to you". She said neither of them have mentioned it to each other about when he's going home.

DH doesn't want him here tomorrow but again it's the guilt thing and picking up MIL and leaving Peter sat in her living room with no Christmas dinner. We've done the polite thing with him before and had him over but he's not been around as much and with MIL telling us she doesn't want him around it's difficult to know what to do for the best. She says one thing but then does another so I dont know much is coercion from him, loneliness from her, wanting to keep the peace and also guilt on her part for having to turn him away. Who knows what she's thinking. And today is not the day to get into it with her when he's here.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 24/12/2019 09:11

FGS she’s elderly and frail.
She can hardly say I don’t want him here when he’s already there!
DH needs to protect his mother.
Why would you feel guilty when this random bloke is taking advantage of her?!

RealMermaid · 24/12/2019 09:12

Your MIL is very definitely NOT saying "yes I want him here/to be invited". I think the right thing to do is to tell her that if she genuinely wants him to be invited, you will invite him, otherwise you will take that to mean that she doesn't want him here. Then try to get rid of him. You say that she says one thing but does another - given how vulnerable she is and her lack of control over this man turning up, letting himself into her house etc. I think you need to listen to what she is saying and try to get rid of him.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/12/2019 09:12

It doesn't sound like your MIL wants him so don't invite him, drop him off at the bus/train station after checking he can still travel.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 24/12/2019 09:15

So pick her up as planned, ask him to leave the house and get the keysafe changed, it's not difficult to let the nurse know the new code. Before you know it he'll be claiming squatters rights!

Instatwat · 24/12/2019 09:17

Tell DH to go round today and say right get yourself stuff I’ll drop you of.
Don’t give him a choice.

This x10000

Instatwat · 24/12/2019 09:17

Bold fail 🙄

Scarlettpixie · 24/12/2019 09:20

Some people have up and down friendships/relationships.

What does your MIL want? If she wants him at yours, invite him. If not don’t. If he really isn’t welcome at hers either, could your DH support your MIL in getting him to leave/taking him home?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/12/2019 09:24

No emphatic yes, she wants him there. Definitely get your dh to take him home and have a word with him about arriving through invite only.

DragonMamma · 24/12/2019 09:25

I’d say to Peter ‘right, I’ll drop you back to yours today as we have a lot to do...have a great Christmas and see you after the New Year’ and take the CF home.

FlaviaAlbia · 24/12/2019 09:27

Honestly, your husband needs to step in here. This sounds like your MIL is unhappy and being taken advantage of.

At the very least he needs to get her on her own and have a serious conversation to find out what she actually wants. She sounds cornered in her own home.

Change the key safe number, give it to her nurses so she doesn't have to do it, block his number after telling him not to turn up again.

Original poster

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 09:31

DH is not going to take him home. He lives about an hour from MIL and she's 20mins from us. He can easily get public transport today. I'm working until late tonight so DH would have to take our 2 young kids with him and DH is doing the prep for tomorrow which is why he went to MILs yesterday to ensure she had everything she needed when he knew he'd be busy today.

I don't know if I should call MIL or not but, again, Peter will be there. He will no doubt be going to the pub at some point though if he's planning on staying.

OP posts:

Smelborp · 24/12/2019 09:34

I think your MIL needs help setting her boundaries here too. I would not invite him unless there was an enthusiastic request from your MIL. I also wouldn’t leave him I her house which probably means removing him today so he can still get home.

Blahblahblah12345 · 24/12/2019 09:39

Of he is going to the pub. Pick her up and lock the doors!

Jux · 24/12/2019 09:45

Do not encourage him. Regardless of how hard it may be, just leave him at mil's. Can she bring overnight stuff and stay with you for a dy or two? Maybe dh can then go to her place and tell Peter to go, go home now matend don't come back.

I think he's taking advantage of her, quite possibly is holding things over her head forcing her to let him in. I think she needs help to get rid once and for all, and that's down to your dh.

DogInATent · 24/12/2019 09:47

Now DH is her carer he takes her to everything so Peter is no longer required

I think there may be two problems here. The immediate one you've identified, but also that Peter is lonely and he's found that he can manipulate company through this pattern of behaviour. Whatever you do over the next couple of days, you'll only break this cycle of behaviour if Peter has another companionship group he can turn to.

In the New Year give Age UK a ring - do it from the point of view of the effect this behaviour has on MIL, but perhaps they can help resolve Peter's problem that's underlying this.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/12/2019 09:48

Ok then, you/ DH call MIL, tell her she needs to say 'please could you invite Peter for Christmas Day', or you will understand that she doesn't want you to.

Then tell her he is not invited and she needs to tell him this today - or she can pass the phone to him and you/DH will tell him. Then he needs to catch the bus home.

sonjadog · 24/12/2019 09:50

Could you stop by the house and ask Peter what his plans for Christmas are, which makes it clear that coming to your house is not going to be it? That might get him back on the bus later.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/12/2019 09:54

I can't help thinking that Peter would be gaining a far less sympathetic response here, if you were posting about your young adult DD and a manipulative brother of her ex.

Yet the basic issues, of safety, comfort and women being unable or unwilling to say no to pushy men, are the same.

It's as if a societal obsession with sex blinds us to the reality that bad male / female relationship dynamics are based on power.

Original poster

glitterboom · 24/12/2019 09:56

I've just called her to see if I can get more out of her, I'm more direct that DH and she is quite open with me. She didn't answer, she's likely still sleeping. Will catch her later.

OP posts:

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