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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to sleep with DH ever again?

91 replies

Anywhere0but0here · 24/12/2019 02:11

I have been up since 1am.

He pulls all the covers on or off me.

His boney knees and elbows jab me.

He wakes 3 to 4 times a night to pee.

He snores.

He 'cuddles' me up and falls asleep right by my back so i'm stuck on one side unable to turn cue shoulder pain next day.

He smells of B.O. and stale booze. The bedding smells after he sleeps on it.

I feel his breath on my shoulder which makes me chilly and uncomfortable.

Bristley beard sharp on my shoulder.

He talks gibberish in his sleep.

He kicks his arms and jerks his knees, moves too much.

He sleeps in the middle instead of leaving the middle to turn sides. I have to tell him to move then he sulks and gives the silent treatment.

Takes up too much duvet leaving me with nothing.

The bed is king size with a superkibg duvet.

I hate sleeping together and the way it messes up my sleep i get so crabby from a shitty night's sleep.

He grabs at my body and gropes calling it cuddling up. I sleep naked because its comfortable not because i want sex.

He puts the heating to 23 degrees.

He normally wakes up with 2 alarms at 4am. I need to get up at 6am for work. He leaves the alarms (radio) on while he snoozes. Its at max volume. Doesnt get up and turn it off, no leaves it blasting away while he fake sleeps.

We've been sleeping in separate rooms and he's back in our bed but i really want to kick him out.

I know he is trying to get close to me but all i want is a big, soap smelling guy wearing clean pjs to share the bed fairly, giving me a good night kiss on my forehead before fucking off to the other side of the bed. A guy who doesnt snore, doesnt talk or get up stumbling in the dark tripping on shit and complaining loudly or switching and leaving lights on. Ideally a guy with an amazing internal body alarm.

AIBU to never want to share a bed with him again?!

OP posts:
lifeisgoodagain · 24/12/2019 08:08

Please take it from someone who did not leave, don't waste your life. It seems impossible to be a single parent, you do have to share the kids etc but ending up on your own with adult kids is worse, the wasted years! I'm lucky, I've found someone else who was similarly loyal but as a menopausal woman finding love is not easy, men of our age want younger fertile women! Living separated in the house is an option, I did it for a while but we all deserve long term happiness

Palaver1 · 24/12/2019 08:15

Life is not a rehearsal,we get only one chance.
This is so deep it started as quite tongue in cheek but wow.
What are you going to do long term you can’t feel this way and continue it’s going to grind you ALL down

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 24/12/2019 08:19

I agree with previous posters, you should break up with him. This sounds hideous. That said if you really don't want to you need to make it clear that you are never sharing a bedroom again!

TreeSwayer · 24/12/2019 08:24

Is it just the sleeping together in the same bed that is not possible or is the whole relationship impossible?

Why does he smell so bad at the end of the day?

AntiHop · 24/12/2019 08:24

He sounds awful and you sound very unhappy. He groped you, he sulks. The radio is very selfish. I wonder your neighbours can hear it too.

BertieBotts · 24/12/2019 08:27

If he's lazy, is there a chance he won't bother having DC very often or for long? Some blokes do that. My ex did. And even when he did see him he never could possibly take him alone, had to be with his (sensible) mate, his mum or his latest girlfriend.

differentnameforthis · 24/12/2019 08:47

I'd rather just co parent in the same house but separately. The do that. Take over the spare room as your room and let him have the other room.

You sound very resentful, and I understand why because some of what you posted resonates with me.

DickDewy · 24/12/2019 08:48

Well he sounds revolting.

DonnaDarko · 24/12/2019 08:50

Get a second duvet.

Then find a way to leave him, it's not impossible

scubadive · 24/12/2019 08:50

Absolutely separate rooms from now. When are you less tired you can review your situation.

He has 2 alarms going off at 4am and leaves them playing?????? Waking you up when you get up at 6am. This is a massive red flag, he is a selfish twat with zero respect.

Re separation, he doesn’t necessarily need to have them half the time. Every other weekend us quite common. Children need stability, could you afford two house with enough bedrooms, if he goes to work at 4am, how could he ever take them to school? There are lots of practical reasons why they may need to stay with you.

After Xmas get some legal advice.

Good luck

Andysbestadventure · 24/12/2019 08:52

🤢🤮

I'd divorce any DH of mine if he stunk of BO. That's just grim.

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/12/2019 08:55

YANBU
Separate beds would probably do wonders for your relationship.
The dream man you mentioned doesn’t exist though.

movinggoalposts · 24/12/2019 08:59

There’s a certain grimness growing up knowing that your parents are only tolerating each other because of you. Please don’t do it to your children. They will pick up on the feelings of disharmony, revulsion, distrust and think that’s what a relationship is meant to be like.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 24/12/2019 09:04

Definitely not BU.
Snoring or needing to get up for a wee is not his fault but the rest of sounds so completely disrespectful uncaring of you. If he doesn’t understand that behaving like this night after night is thoroughly unappealing then he also has no common-sense. It’s bloody obvious.
I was struggling to cope with a considerate, fresh-smelling snoring, fidget became I was getting seriously sleep-deprived but we moved house & got a superking sized bed and then he lost 5 stone and the snoring and fidgeting stopped too. It’s been a revelation!
You can’t fix this because it’s not actually your problem. Its his. The question is whether he’s motivated to fix it.

eternallybaffled · 24/12/2019 09:11

OP, do you still live this man?

eternallybaffled · 24/12/2019 09:11

*love

Grrrrr

HouseworkAvoider10 · 24/12/2019 09:25

Your NY resolution should be to finalise a divorce.

Greenglassteacup · 24/12/2019 09:32

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had poor personal hygiene, that’s absolutely disgusting

thepeopleversuswork · 24/12/2019 09:36

I agree that your relationship is unsustainable. Individually, many of the things you've posted about are things which would be forgiveable if you loved him (though not the BO or groping).

But as someone else said, when you get to the point where you feel contempt and resentment for someone there's no going back. Don't think you can make this work for another decade or so for your kids -- they will resent you much more for not leaving than they will leaving and co-parenting amicably. Plus, its no way for you to live.

Foghead · 24/12/2019 09:43

Yuck. This is disgusting.

Show him your list and ask him what he’s going to do about it.

Why doesn’t he shower?
Tell him not to come to bed til he’s had a quick shower before bed or earlier in the evening or he can piss off and sleep elsewhere. It’s not too much to ask.

If he does that then get separate duvets. It’s made such a difference to us. It helps us stay on our side of the bed too.

SpamChaudFroid · 24/12/2019 09:44

OP I grew up in a house with parents who had a dysfunctional and hostile relationship. My own relationships are skewed because of this and I have a really shit moral compass and didn't know how to set boundaries. My siblings have learned the same maladaptive behaviours. Our mental health isn't exactly tip-top.

The hideous bed sharing won't improve as you (understandably) despise the man.

I wish you luck OP

NotTerfNorCis · 24/12/2019 09:52

You need to sleep in separate beds. You can't go on like that.

People can't help what happens when they're asleep, like snoring, but this ( I have to tell him to move then he sulks and gives the silent treatment ) is another league. He isn't considering your feelings at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/12/2019 09:55

Pretty sure OP will have tried to address the lack of hygiene more than once. For whatever reason, this man isn't interested in making her happier. It sounds like neither of them has much respect or liking for the other and, once you get to this stage it's only going to get worse.
OP spend some time doing the relevant research - what could you afford by way of separate homes, how much child support you are likely to get, etc (a lot depends on your respective incomes and whose name your home is in) and then end this marriage. It's doing none of you any good.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/12/2019 09:59

Sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry but all this you can't leave because you don't want your children part time is just so wrong. You get ONE life, your kids will grow up and leave home and then where will you be. They will pick up on your obvious dislike of him, it will impact their future relationships. OP, rip that plaster off and make moves to seperate or believe me in a few years time you will be full of resentment and regret. Don't use the kids as an excuse not to do something that seems scary.

IdblowJonSnow · 24/12/2019 10:03

How old are your kids op? If hes that useless he might not have them very often?
Get back in separate beds, its miserable being sleep deprived. He shouldn't be fucking groping you.
Reevaluate in the NY when you've had some sleep. If you still feel the way you sounded in your OP most of the time you should really split up.