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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel my friends have left me out?

72 replies

greenpeach148 · 23/12/2019 21:07

I've been friends with a group of three other women for about a decade.
I'm the only one with a younger (aged 9) child, all of theirs are grown up.
Over the past couple of years, I've sensed that I wasn't welcome as much and that they were quite often doing things and not inviting me.
I spotted a few get togethers on Facebook where I wasn't invited. I was a little hurt, but figured I'm not 14 so should try to get over it! I've also tried to initiate a few things and been blown out.
A few months ago we were all chatting about how cool it would be to go to York for a day out, spa etc... I said I'd never been and wouldn't it be a wonderful day out for us all. I noticed last week that the other three went on this trip. Photos all over Facebook. I was really hurt. I messaged one of them and she said they'd assumed I was busy with my nine year old and school run etc. However my husband is self employed, often does the school run/child related stuff and works from home often, so I don't think 'having a young child' is an excuse to leave me out really. And anyway, they've arranged weekend things to suit one of the others who works full-time and long hours. Surely if they thought my 9 year old would prevent me from going, they'd have just tried to schedule a weekend thing or actually thought to ask me and see if I was free or ask when I could go? (I'm actually very flexible due to my work and husband's work). So, I messaged one of them and said I was hurt. She said she could understand that I'm hurt and asked if I'd like to be added to their group chat. I thought I was already in the group chat. I didn't know there was another group chat which didn't include me.
I just don't think that this is the way friends behave, is it?
I can understand them all wanting to go off and do things with other members of the group without me from time to time, but knowing I wanted to go on this trip and not even bothering to ask.
The friendship feels a bit tainted.
Am I overreacting?
How would you all feel?
Has this happened to you?

OP posts:

2018SoFarSoGreat · 23/12/2019 22:40

so sorry, OP. That is really hurtful. Been there, got the t'shirt.

I think you have to move on, and find some new friends who are actually that. Friends. Leave this group to get on with it.

Grumpos · 23/12/2019 22:49

Sounds very hurtful, id certainly be upset with all these things.

It sounds as though they do not consider you as highly as each other, that’s sad and I’m sure it will really hurt for a while (it’s rejection afterall and that always stings) but ultimately you’d be better off just to walk away and try to establish some more meaningful friendships elsewhere.

It’s really hard to make friends when you’re out of college / uni years but I’d rather have one decent person I know I could count on than several acquaintances who will quite happily leave me out of special events.

Make 2020 a year for finding better people to spend your time and effort on

Getoffmylilo · 23/12/2019 22:52

Ah I'm sorry OP, it's horrible isn't it. Hard as it might be I'd move on if I were you. I did recently, also from a group I'd know for many years. It was the work of one of them mainly, but the other two knew what was going on and went along with things. I just quietly walked away one day, so had already mentally and emotionally left by the time they realised and just never looked back. Not as easy as it sounds but anything I said would've been denied or twisted so not worth the discussion. This link spells things out quite nicely I think........

psychcentral.com/blog/bullying-incognito-deliberate-social-exclusion/

Coyoacan · 23/12/2019 23:04

Yeap, you probably already have better friends, but if you don't, you will.

These people aren't worth wasting your time on.

allthefood · 24/12/2019 02:32

Cut them all off. Stop trying to maintain friendships with them individually too. Don't make their problems your problem.

finn1020 · 24/12/2019 04:04

They don’t see you as a friend. I’d stop bothering with them if I were you, be polite but keep them distant.

Obligatorync · 24/12/2019 05:00

I'd find this really upsetting. I would let them go.

Fr0g · 24/12/2019 05:10

I dropped a toxic friend (rather than a group) a couple of years ago - sometimes she could be kind and thoughtful, but most of the time it was v onesided, and she was always ultra critical, not esp of me, but a restaurant if she'd not chosen it, all of my other friends found her rude/hard work.
Felt so much better for it - I wonder how she is getting on from time to time, but still feel it was a really positive move to drop her.

Move on, find nicer, kinder people to spend time with.
Even if that takes a while, you're better on your own - plan that trip to York in the new year.

dontgobaconmyheart · 24/12/2019 05:22

Oh OP I feel for you, not a nice feeling at all is it.

All you can do though is accept that they don't see you as a friend on the same level - they will have known you wanted to go but didn't extend an invite, they also know you're flexible, you arent in the WhatsApp group and frankly a pity invite into it after saying you were hurt isn't much better. All evidence points to the same thing and that is that they don't feel about you the way you do/did them. I don't think it's about the age of your child.

You can do better than friendships that leave you left out. Leave them to it and focus on other friends who value you and your feelings.

Original poster

greenpeach148 · 24/12/2019 07:34

thanks everyone. It's been really helpful reading your replies. I spoke to another one of them yesterday who seemed sheepish about it and blamed one of the others because 'she organised it' but she could've thought to message me or mention it when she bumped into me a couple of days before they went. The group chat and offer of being added to it after the fact is shit too. It might be a bit awkward as my husband is friend with one of their husbands, but I think I've finally reached the point of no return. I am well and truly done with this shit!
2020 will be a fresh new start for me and focusing on people who actually like me! Thanks everyone and Merry Christmas!

OP posts:

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 24/12/2019 07:37

An excellent approach OP. Have a wonderful Christmas and resolve to have a shit-free 2020

Frenchw1fe · 24/12/2019 07:46

Absolutely, a new you with nicer friends.
This exact thing happened to me and weirdly also York.

It was my suggestion to go and one day a work colleague asked me why I was at work and not with my 3 'friend's going to York.
When I obviously had no clue what she was talking about she was so annoyed on my behalf.
The next day at work I pointedly asked if they had a good time in York and they looked really embarrassed so I knew it was deliberate.

I never bothered going anywhere with them again.

Postmanbear · 24/12/2019 07:47

Good for you OP. Unfollow them on Facebook so you don't have to see their rubbish. Make this your decision to drop them rather than them ending your friendship and you will feel happier without them in your life.
It is crap though and it’s ok to feel hurt 💐

spingly · 24/12/2019 08:12

They're bitches, that's horrible behaviour.

pictish · 24/12/2019 08:34

Although I know it’s hard not to, do try not to take it too personally. It’s not about a dislike of you rather than being wrapped up in each other and themselves. I doubt you’ve done anything heinous to warrant being left out. It’s like you said, you don’t make their radar.

I find friendships can be very transient. I have only a handful of long-standing friends myself. I don’t seem to do well in groups. I am a little quirky so perhaps lack mass appeal or social status sufficient enough to secure my inclusion.

I have learned to value those who willingly seek me out and make a conscious effort not to agonise over those who don’t. It can be hard as the default setting is anxiety and self-loathing...but actually, when you apply logic to the scenario, you understand that really good friends do not typically come as part of a convenient set.

GameChange123 · 24/12/2019 09:46

Well said @Pictish so true!

GlitteryGracie · 24/12/2019 10:07

I'm so sorry op it's a shit feeling and it doesn't really get any better with age/maturity does it? I'm a least liked member of a group of four. It's caused me a few tears along the way but now I've accepted it, I see/chat to them when it suits but I don't put myself out or rely on them in any way. It's helped to understand that there's nothing wrong with me, it's just the way group dynamics work sometimes. Focus on other friends and maybe unfollow on Facebook so you don't have to have their jaunts pushed in your face all the time.

DreamingofSunshine · 24/12/2019 16:07

I've had a very similar thing happen to me this weekend. I called them out on it and they looked really sheepish and said it was a spur of the moment thing (some of them live two hours away so it wasn't). It's shown me their true colours though and I need to find some proper friends. I find it so hard to make new friends though!

Hannsmum · 24/12/2019 16:16

Sweetheart you are not overreacting. Find new friends because you are clearly not wanted .
Bin them. Don't let them feel like they are doing you a favour.
Throw yourself out there. You will find better friends 😘

Coyoacan · 24/12/2019 23:15

This has happened to me more than once but now I have really good friends.

Hazardexhausted · 24/12/2019 23:23

Merry Christmas OP!

Glad your backing away from them they sound rather mean. If you have to see one of the three because of your DH's friendship be polite and breezy and to busy to give a shit!

SoleBizzz · 24/12/2019 23:30

I know ot is difficult but you can start 2020 without these spiteful twats. Cut them out and move on.

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