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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel my friends have left me out?

72 replies

greenpeach148 · 23/12/2019 21:07

I've been friends with a group of three other women for about a decade.
I'm the only one with a younger (aged 9) child, all of theirs are grown up.
Over the past couple of years, I've sensed that I wasn't welcome as much and that they were quite often doing things and not inviting me.
I spotted a few get togethers on Facebook where I wasn't invited. I was a little hurt, but figured I'm not 14 so should try to get over it! I've also tried to initiate a few things and been blown out.
A few months ago we were all chatting about how cool it would be to go to York for a day out, spa etc... I said I'd never been and wouldn't it be a wonderful day out for us all. I noticed last week that the other three went on this trip. Photos all over Facebook. I was really hurt. I messaged one of them and she said they'd assumed I was busy with my nine year old and school run etc. However my husband is self employed, often does the school run/child related stuff and works from home often, so I don't think 'having a young child' is an excuse to leave me out really. And anyway, they've arranged weekend things to suit one of the others who works full-time and long hours. Surely if they thought my 9 year old would prevent me from going, they'd have just tried to schedule a weekend thing or actually thought to ask me and see if I was free or ask when I could go? (I'm actually very flexible due to my work and husband's work). So, I messaged one of them and said I was hurt. She said she could understand that I'm hurt and asked if I'd like to be added to their group chat. I thought I was already in the group chat. I didn't know there was another group chat which didn't include me.
I just don't think that this is the way friends behave, is it?
I can understand them all wanting to go off and do things with other members of the group without me from time to time, but knowing I wanted to go on this trip and not even bothering to ask.
The friendship feels a bit tainted.
Am I overreacting?
How would you all feel?
Has this happened to you?

OP posts:
Fedupofitnow123 · 23/12/2019 21:10

I'd bin them off, they dont sound like good friends to me

halocompanach · 23/12/2019 21:12

Move on, you can make better friends than them.

RNBrie · 23/12/2019 21:13

I reckon it's one of them... who doesn't like you for whatever reason. Probably whoever set up the 2nd WhatsApp group.

Any idea which one it might be?!

Anyway, if you want to stay friends with any of them, start arranging things with the one or two you like best on their own. Sack off the group activities, it's not with it.

iano · 23/12/2019 21:14

You can find better friends OPThanks

puds11 · 23/12/2019 21:15

In the nicest possible way, they obviously don’t value your friendship as much as you do theirs. I’d focus my attention on other friends.

EmmiJay · 23/12/2019 21:15

Nah. That's not nice behaviour from them. Step back and leave them to it.

Original poster
greenpeach148 · 23/12/2019 21:15

yeah, that's what I've done in the past. But if I try to have a coffee with one of them, they always want to invite the others.Despite the fact that they often go and have coffee one-to-one. I think there's one woman in particular who has a problem with me. She can be quite moody and has been stroppy with the others on various occasions in the past. I kind of think my having a nine year old just works as a convenient excuse to assume I must be busy, so they/she can leave me out.

OP posts:
WinterRose92 · 23/12/2019 21:16

I think I would feel pretty gutted too. They could have at least asked you if you could go.
I wonder why they’re behaving this way?
Sorry, it’s really crap. I don’t have much advice really. Could you maybe talk to them and see if there is a problem? I know you messaged one of them but did you get an explanation? There must be a reason, they knew you wanted to go on that trip.
Other than that I don’t know what I’d do apart from step back a bit from them.

PositiveVibez · 23/12/2019 21:16

No wonder you're feeling hurt.

I wouldn't bother with any of them tbh. Agree with PP who said the person who started the 2nd WhatsApp group, is the instigator of leaving you out.

If you're in that group now, check who is the admin.

Boulshired · 23/12/2019 21:17

It depends on what you want next, if you have other friends that treat you well then it maybe time to walk away but if this group is important then they have let you know were you stand it’s up to you to accept at the moment you are not as close ( this may change) or say something and hope it changes. I feel for you, these are meant to be the people you can rely on.

FairytaleofBykerGrove · 23/12/2019 21:18

It’s mean and immature behaviour. It’s happened to me before and it is hurtful. The only thing to do is back off and concentrate on people who treat you nicely. There are better friends out there for you.

thistimelastweek · 23/12/2019 21:19

It has happened to me. I was horribly hurt and couldn't get past it.
It led to the end of the friendship

WinterRose92 · 23/12/2019 21:19

Ah, just saw your 2nd post. There’s the one that has a problem with you but the other two are going along with her and allowing you to be left out? Don’t sound like very good friends to me. I’d walk away. Find some other friends who treat you better than that.

Fatted · 23/12/2019 21:19

These people are not your friends OP. Cut your losses and move on.

GrowingUpIsATrap · 23/12/2019 21:20

They sound like they aren't really your friends. I would be so sad if it was me, especially as they are being so thoughtless (or spiteful) by posting it all over facebook that they've excluded you.
I would honestly cut them off and move on. They aren't very nice people and they don't value you

Panpastels · 23/12/2019 21:20

I would say one isn't keen and the others value that person more than you. It's harsh and sad though. I would ditch them all and concentrate on making better friends.

Lulufluff · 23/12/2019 21:21

YANBU - that is deliberate.
I’m sorry this is happening to you OP, they’re not good friends.

pictish · 23/12/2019 21:21

Yanbu. They are leaving you out. They’re not your tribe.

I agree with a previous poster who said that it might be down to one member of the group who doesn’t like you and who’s pulling the strings.

It may also be that they like you well enough but you’re rather more on their peripheral than in their inner circle.

Only you will know. I’m sorry, it really does hurt.

helpmum2003 · 23/12/2019 21:21

I would feel hurt and agree you should bin them. What nasty women.

bluesteakandcheese · 23/12/2019 21:21

@greenpeach148 you seriously need to distance yourself from these 'friends'. Leave any group chats and just be civil. These people are not your friends. They're being cruel really; life is too short to have people like that surrounding you. Who needs enemies eh!
Good luck x

elmosducks · 23/12/2019 21:24

Please find yourself new friends who value you.

thistimelastweek · 23/12/2019 21:24

Also, 'assuming you can't go ' for whatever reason is a very poor substitute/reason for not inviting you.

Why assume if you can just ask?

icanclearabuffet · 23/12/2019 21:25

I had a similar situation a few years back.
I walked into a local coffee shop to grab a takeaway and they were sat there chatting. All looked very sheepish when I say hello.
I've never got involved with them again except to exchange pleasantries at the school gate.
I've moved on and now have a fab group of friends with no hidden agendas and playground behaviour.
They've all fallen out recently I hear. And one of them has been over friendly and keen to rekindle our friendship now.
Not.A.Chance.
I've had the last laugh 😬
Chin up OP. It hurts but you're best off out of it.

beautifulstranger101 · 23/12/2019 21:26

They are a bunch of horrible bitches. I would honestly dump these idiots and find new friends. Making another group chat? leaving you out on purpose and then posting cosy pics on facebook knowing you'd see them and be hurt? fck them. What they are doing is unkind and cruel. They aren't your friends- friends dont do that to each other. Think of it this way: if you dump them, what you have lost are three spiteful women who constantly leave you out of things, talk behind your back and make you feel hurt and rejected. THEY on the other hand will be losing someone who genuinely cared about them and would have been a loyal friend for years. They are the ones missing out here, not you.

Move on and focus on finding new friends, decent ones and remember: dont treat anyone like a priority when all you are to them is an option.

Monny1 · 23/12/2019 21:29

I am so sorry that you are going through this. They are not friends, they are fake friends. If you can distance yoursef from them and find better friends.