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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel my friends have left me out?

72 replies

greenpeach148 · 23/12/2019 21:07

I've been friends with a group of three other women for about a decade.
I'm the only one with a younger (aged 9) child, all of theirs are grown up.
Over the past couple of years, I've sensed that I wasn't welcome as much and that they were quite often doing things and not inviting me.
I spotted a few get togethers on Facebook where I wasn't invited. I was a little hurt, but figured I'm not 14 so should try to get over it! I've also tried to initiate a few things and been blown out.
A few months ago we were all chatting about how cool it would be to go to York for a day out, spa etc... I said I'd never been and wouldn't it be a wonderful day out for us all. I noticed last week that the other three went on this trip. Photos all over Facebook. I was really hurt. I messaged one of them and she said they'd assumed I was busy with my nine year old and school run etc. However my husband is self employed, often does the school run/child related stuff and works from home often, so I don't think 'having a young child' is an excuse to leave me out really. And anyway, they've arranged weekend things to suit one of the others who works full-time and long hours. Surely if they thought my 9 year old would prevent me from going, they'd have just tried to schedule a weekend thing or actually thought to ask me and see if I was free or ask when I could go? (I'm actually very flexible due to my work and husband's work). So, I messaged one of them and said I was hurt. She said she could understand that I'm hurt and asked if I'd like to be added to their group chat. I thought I was already in the group chat. I didn't know there was another group chat which didn't include me.
I just don't think that this is the way friends behave, is it?
I can understand them all wanting to go off and do things with other members of the group without me from time to time, but knowing I wanted to go on this trip and not even bothering to ask.
The friendship feels a bit tainted.
Am I overreacting?
How would you all feel?
Has this happened to you?

OP posts:

Useful22 · 23/12/2019 21:30

I'm nosey and would need to know. I'd get added to the other chat and flat out ask why theh leave you out. Tell them if one of them has a problem be a grown up and say, and you'll happily leave the group if they all don't value you as a friend.

Phoebesgift · 23/12/2019 21:33

I'd not contact them again. Horrible behaviour from grown women.

TwoOddSocks · 23/12/2019 21:34

They sound nasty. Even if I was 99% sure my friend couldn't come on a big trip or wouldn't want to I would make sure to ask them to make sure they didn't feel left out or to see if there was a way it could work for them.

SecretMillionaire · 23/12/2019 21:37

Even if it is only one of the group who is the reason you are not included, the other two have been happy to go along with it. These women are not your friends.

Surely it shouldn’t need to be pointed out to them that plastering pictures all over Facebook that you can see it going to be hurtful.

theresthepurpleline · 23/12/2019 21:41

Definitely not good behaviour on their part. I had a similar situation about 20 years ago - it left me feeling devalued. Let them get on with it and find better friends. x

PrtScn · 23/12/2019 21:41

I'd message them all on the group WhatsApp and tell them you were hurt by them not inviting you when they know you wanted to go. Ask them why (although you'd get some bullshit story, hopefully you will make them squirm a bit). Then tell them you don't want to associate with people who clearly don't value you as a friend. Leave the WhatsApp conversations and unfriend them on Facebook and any other social media platforms.

Original poster

greenpeach148 · 23/12/2019 21:41

I think the fact they put it on Facebook shows that I'm probably on the periphery of the group, not really on their radar. I'm not sure if they didn't realise I'd be upset or just didn't care.

OP posts:

f83mx · 23/12/2019 21:42

They are not your friends

Original poster

greenpeach148 · 23/12/2019 21:44

their other exclusive get togethers stung a little, but I got over it and figured we don't always have to be joined together as a group at all times; but the fact that I'd expressed a real eagerness to go on this one and they didn't even think of me at all, is shit.

OP posts:

Milsplus3 · 23/12/2019 21:44

They would no longer be my friends. This happened to me many years ago when I had my first dd as I was 18 at the time they were out clubbing etc and no one would involve me in anything. It was hard but I accepted it for what it was. Better to get rid now as even if they began involving you again surely it would feel awkward. It’s better than wasting time on people who don’t respect you

OverByYer · 23/12/2019 21:47

YANBU OP, I would find this very hurtful. Assuming you wouldn’t go is not good enough, they should have invited you. I’d be looking for new friends. These ones are nasty

Thestrangestthing · 23/12/2019 21:49

That's mean of them. We're they friends before you met them though?

BellyButton85 · 23/12/2019 21:52

Sorry to be blunt but it seems they just don't like you

Garlicinyoursoul · 23/12/2019 21:54

I think they probably knew you’d be upset but didn’t care.
They’re not your friends, and you deserve much better. I hope you’re ok OP.

WanderingAimlessly · 23/12/2019 21:54

Oh dear. Of course you’re hurt. This happens a lot. It’s happened to me. I’d give up on them. They aren’t nice friends and as others have said, you can do better. Leave the group and move on. It’s more stressful being on the edge of something like this than to be out of it completely.

ContadoraExplorer · 23/12/2019 21:54

OP, this has happened to me last year, with a couple of "friends" that I've known between 25-30 years. I've had a lot going on but I felt like they invited me to less and less and then they didn't even bother replying when I invited them to something.

I can't deny that it hurts a lot and I still don't know why they did what they did but, having just recently had a baby, I've got far more important things to focus on so I just get on with it and have been making some new friends through baby classes etc. I could ask them but to be honest, if they can do that to me, they're not the real friends I thought they were.

It sounds like your friends are not particularly nice either so, as horrible as it is for you, I would try to make some new friends who appreciate you. Good luck!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 23/12/2019 21:54

Ive got "friends" like this. It fucking hurts. I see them occasionally. We went out fir a meal for my significant birthday. A month after the event. the weekend after my birthday they went for a cheap weekend away. All over SM, but no invitation. Another friend in the group had a not significant birthday in October. They had a weekend in London, a night out for cocktails and another meal out. And they have a group chat I'm not invited to. I don't bother anymore.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2019 22:00

I would bin them off. Life is too short.

NorthernLightsInWinter · 23/12/2019 22:12

I had 'friends' like this. I was dropped like a hotcake when my children moved to a different school.

They're not your friends. Sorry, OP.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 23/12/2019 22:17

It happened to me and I cut them out. Should have done it sooner.

TwoOddSocks · 23/12/2019 22:27

I would add that there are definitely some groups - particularly of women who use leaving others out as a way to bond with each other. It makes them feel exclusive and more valued. It's not a nice dynamic though and you'd do better with a kinder, more considerate group of friends.

Drabarni · 23/12/2019 22:28

Sounds like they haven't considered you as part of the group since you say they changed 2 years ago.
Move on, plenty nice folk out there.

zippyswife · 23/12/2019 22:28

I found myself in a similar position a few years ago. I came off Facebook and stopped contact with those people. I made new friends and stopped thinking about the people that didn’t like me enough to invite me. I have some great friends now. I’m very busy and we do loads together. I am so glad I stopped wasting time trying to be involved with people who really just weren’t into me.

Try not to take it too personally. And try not to let it take too much of your headspace.

Leflic · 23/12/2019 22:29

My friendship group has a similar situation. Our friend us NEVER left out of invites.

BabbleBee · 23/12/2019 22:30

I think you’ll feel better about this once you decide that you deserve to be treated much nicer than this, bin them and move on. It’s really empowering when you make the decision to get rid of toxic people.

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